WHAT THIS EPISODES ABOUT…
The willingness to will nothing. As we travel on our journey, there are times when everything we think, we understand all of our tools and our knowing of how to survive. The life’s curve balls seemed to be irrelevant or maybe outdated is a better word or archaic or just plain useless. We find ourselves thinking and thinking about what our next survival tool will be. What will our next step in life be? What should I do now? What will be the anchor in the store? Revelation? Maybe for a moment in your life you are not supposed to be anchored. Maybe your most current upheaval is a new chance at a new beginning. Do we always have to understand why things happen to us? Do we always have to have a plan for our lives. I’ve come to realize that it is the unknowing of life that is the most fulfilling, the deconstructing of a structure that might not have been sound in the first place.
LEARN MORE ABOUT THE CONTENT DISCUSSED…
• Guy Free Podcast: https://guyfree.com
• Guy Free Facebook Group: https://guyfreeworkingonme.com
• Shauna’s website: https://www.workingonme.com
KEYNOTES DISCUSSED:
• I give you complete permission to feel everything that you’re feeling right now without trying to make sense of it. (04:46)
• I just want you to pick up the anchor. I want you to put up the sails. See where the wind takes you. I want you to stop mourning the future, mourning the past, and I want you to live in the moment. (05:25)
• Every mistake you have made, every person you have loved, every person who has hurt you, every person that you have heard, every time you have heard, every time you have laughed, and every time you have cried, that’s who you are today. (06:59)
• You cannot move forward when you’re still focused on your past, but if you try to move forward, you’re going to make yourself feel horrible. So now bring your head back facing forward. (08:56)
• I want you to find the love for yourself under the anger, hurt, and sadness that you feel towards yourself. Anger is an emotion. It is not a healing tool. I have to help you find love of yourself. (16:13)
WHEN DOES IT AIR…
February 22, 2020
EPISODE TRANSCRIPT…
Hello and welcome to Guy Free Working on Me. A woman’s journey to self-awareness. This is a great moment in your life, a moment where you have decided to stop taking care of everyone else and to start to take care of yourself. Stick with me through these podcasts, and you will take the best ride of your life. So, Guy Free Working on Me is not meant to be a permanent lifestyle, whether you’re single or in a relationship. As you listen to these podcasts, this is meant to be a moment in your life where you learn how to stop basing your worth, your happiness, and your self-esteem on having a man at your side. This is going to be an all-out redesigning the who you are, who you want to be, and what you feel inside. Are you ready? Let’s go.
Hello and welcome to Guy Free Working on Me, a woman’s journey to self awareness. I am so glad you’re listening in today. Are you comfy? Are you ready to make these next few minutes? All about you? Are you willing to put your attention on you instead of everyone else in your life just for the length of this podcast? I hope so because I have a really fun concept for us to play with today. I was talking to one of my clients who’s now a year out of a really bad relationship. She said to me that one of the blogs is what helped her turn the corner from sadness to hope, but more than that, it actually gave her a few minutes of peace, so I thought, Oh Hey, let’s make this the next podcast before I read it to you. I want you to think about this. When we are in a relationship, we co-create this script of what our life should be. Sometimes we’re co-creators. Sometimes we let the other person lead the way and we follow along.
Sometimes we put our dreams aside in order to allow the other person to go after their dreams, but we are still co-creators because we have chosen to do that, but when a relationship ends or we lose someone who we co-created a dream of our future with, it feels like there’s something wrong with the universe. I say sometimes it’s like we wrote a script for our future. All of a sudden half of the pages have been ripped out. Now what do we do? The characters of the script are changing. The chapters of the script need to be rewritten and now you are the sole author, but really how amazing and scary and amazing and scary is that and really how the hell do you do it? Okay. The blog was called the willingness to will nothing, so put your future script writing pen down right now and let’s take a listen.
The willingness to will nothing. As we travel on our journey, there are times when everything we think we understand all of our tools and our knowing of how to survive. The life’s curve balls seemed to be irrelevant or maybe outdated is a better word or archaic or just plain useless. We find ourselves thinking and thinking about what our next survival tool will be. What will our next step in life be? What should I do now? What will be the anchor in the storm? Revelation? Maybe for a moment in your life you are not supposed to be anchored. Maybe your most current upheaval is a new chance at a new beginning. Do we always have to understand why things happen to us? Do we always have to have a plan for our lives. I’ve come to realize that it is the unknowing of life that is the most fulfilling, the deconstructing of a structure that might not have been sound in the first place.
The willingness to will nothing, no thing, no outcome. In some moments that means we hurt and we don’t try to hide it or change it or overcome it. In other moments, the hurt goes away and we feel relief and strength and hope. The unstructured thing of our structure has opened a skylight in our roof and we see things we have never seen before. Then the journey begins again, where we do not know why we do not care who and with whom. It’s yet to be revealed to us, but the journey will continue and it will be magnificent. So all right, that was the blog. So what does all of it mean? It really means that I give you complete permission to feel everything that you’re feeling right now without trying to make sense of it. It means that I offer you the chance to see that this latest massive change in your life may be exactly what you need to write.
Your own script means you don’t have to have excuses for your past or replay it any more in your mind wondering if you should have done anything different. It means that you are willing to let the deconstruction take place so that you can rebuild this life based on your dreams and your hopes and your very own soul. But here’s a real fun. It also means that you don’t have to know what any of that is in this very moment. I just want you to pick up the anchor. I want you to put up the sails. See where the wind takes you. I want you to stop mourning the future, mourning the past, and I want you to live in the moment. You know, we’re constantly being reminded in this world of podcasts and self help books and talk shows and motivational speakers that being present focused is where our piece comes from.
Well, you know what? It’s true, but more than just peace. It’s where our creativity and our dreams can come to life when our today are being affected by thinking about the past or the future. There’s no place for creativity and dreams to come in. I say to my clients, it’s as if you put a frame on the painting before you ever paint it now. All right, let’s be realistic. Your past and those people in your past are how you became who you are today. So I’m not saying to ignore the past or go into denial about your past and the people in it. What I’m saying is not to mourn the past. The beautiful soul that you are today comes from every lesson you learned from every person in your life. The person you are today is because of every success you have had. Every mistake you have made, every person you have loved, every person who has hurt you, every person that you have heard, every time you have heard, every time you have laughed, and every time you have cried, that’s who you are today.
And that woman is who’s starring in your movie. And that woman is who is writing your script. I do these exercises with my clients in my office, I share them in my book. If you’ve read the book, you can see him there, but for right now you can play along. Obviously if you’re driving, you’re just going to think through this. The first one is called the facing forward exercise. Okay? I want you to think about the concept that you’re going to help yourself move forward. You’re taking the wheel, you’re writing a new life for yourself. Ready? If you can do this, if you’re in a place where you can stand up and look straight ahead of you, picture your incredible future. Imagine everything that could make you happy and accepting the unknown as exciting and inviting. Now take a nice step forward. Great. How’s that feel?
Okay, now you’re going to do it again. Actually, I want you to stand up. I want you to look at head at your unbelievable future. Now with your body facing forward. Turn your head back to look at your past, to look at him, to look the relationship behind you. Just your head. Only move your head. Only turn your head back. Picture him and all of your relations history behind you while you are looking behind you. Now I want you to try to take a step forward. Go ahead. You can’t, or if he can take the step. What does it feel like? My guess is you feel really imbalanced. Completely awkward. Do you get it? You cannot move forward when you’re still focused on your past, but if you try to move forward, you’re going to make yourself feel horrible. So now bring your head back facing forward.
Look straight ahead. Center yourself again. Ground yourself now imagine everything beautiful, everything bad, all that was in your past. Put it behind you. It is all behind you and picture it as a soft wind nudging you forward. As you look ahead and see the amazing future that awaits you, now take a nice big step. So I’m a sailor. I love using the analogy of the wind to guide us forward. Imagine this beautiful wind. You’re on the water, your sail is up and you are now moving forward. It really is kind of corny. It is the wind beneath your wings, but your past relationships, your lessons in life, catapult you into the future only if you let them. It’s not meant this exercise to make you forget your past or even ignore it, but it’s here to help you use your past to move into your future again.
You know, we cannot go back and change the past. We can’t change the choices we made, good or bad, but we can use our past, our past energy and all that we learned or didn’t learn to move us forward. All right? Okay. Here’s another one. I call it driving forward the driving forward exercise. Imagine you’re driving on a street, you’re facing forward and you’re driving head safely. Now imagine that while you’re moving forward, you turn your head to look at what was behind you, what is behind you. You have the foot on the gas, you’re in drive, but you’re looking backwards. What happens? You swerve, you lose control, you crash. This is what we do to ourselves when we’re focused on our past. While we’re trying to move forward. We do need to go in reverse sometimes, but there needs to be a conscious healthy reason for it.
The only time we need to go in reverse is to change our direction on purpose. In other words, you make a conscious choice to look at your past in order to learn from it so that you can make a change and move forward in the present. So ladies, the first step to moving forward is to face your future, not your past. I was at a seminar and one woman asked me, so how do I accept where I am in the present? I am so angry and I am so hurt. So this is what I said. I’m in no way expecting you to stop feeling all the feelings that are consuming you right now. You have every right to feel them. Heartbreak, sadness, anger, fear. Though I reminded her that many women in this exact same audience also felt relief, joy, and even hope. But the answer to how you accept it is clear.
You have no choice, right? The present is here in this very moment that we are in and you’re here listening. You can’t change the present. You can’t change the past, but you can be gentle to yourself right now. You can take a deep breath, acknowledge all those feelings. You can give them a break for just this amount of time during this podcast to calm your soul. Then in the present with a clear head, you can find a moment of peace that is using all of your power to be in the present and start the healing. So then the same woman said to me, well, what if I don’t want to stop being angry at him? Okay? I said, well, then, fine. If that’s where you are in this present moment, then go for it, but all I want you to ask yourself is, is it serving a good purpose for you?
Sometimes the anger or the hurt, isn’t it impetus for you to stay away from a harmful relationship? Sometimes the anger is what empowers you to leave or to never go back. But sometimes the angers not just at the person that it yourself. They heard us, we heard them back, or it could be the other way around. We heard them and then they strike back and hurt us. So in this instance, the anger might not all be at the other person. It could actually be at ourselves. Why did I stay so long? Why didn’t I listen to what other people told me about him? Why did I forgive him so many times? Why did I believe his lies? Then there are those of you who are listening who haven’t lost a relationship, but you’ve lost a partner to death, the same anger at yourself as so often what follows?
Why didn’t I love him more? Why? Why didn’t I take off that day of work to be with him? Why didn’t I listen to him when he complained? Why didn’t I show him how much love I had for him instead of complaining all the time? There’s still all of those same emotions and feeling stirring in that woman. The anger at herself. Look, we all make mistakes in relationships. We do things to hurt them after they’ve heard us or sometimes before they’ve heard us or before they have left us, whether in life or in death. Remember this was a co-created relationship. So here and now I remind you of what I said in the past podcast. You did the best that you could at the moment with the tools that you had, and here’s the artist. So did he. Okay, let’s go back to feeling present, focused.
Now you’re in the present. You’re feeling so many things. Let’s tackle the inner for a minute. There is a model that says this anger covers, hurt, hurt, covers, sadness, and sadness covers love. Think about that for a second. You’re really angry because they hurt you. The hurt that you feel is truly deep sadness and the only way that you could feel this level of sadness is if there was so much love there in the first place. Damn, we hate that. The last thing that we want to feel is that we loved this person that hurt us. Let me make one very strong clarification in this. This is not necessarily true in an abusive relationship, so don’t take those words that I just said. If you were abused and got away, I don’t want you to feel angry at yourself, but that’s a whole discussion for another podcast.
Okay? Now, if you are angry at yourself, I need you to do the same thing. I need you to find the love for yourself under the anger that you feel towards yourself. Let me say that again. I want you to find the love for yourself under the anger, hurt, and sadness that you feel towards yourself. Anger is an emotion. It is not a healing tool. I have to help you find love of yourself. Again, that’s the work we’re doing in these podcasts. Finding true self awareness is the first step to finding self-acceptance and then finding self love. Okay. Let’s talk about self awareness for a few minutes. Self awareness is the ability to look at yourself and know in that moment what you’re thinking, what you’re feeling. It’s the ability to check in when you’re becoming emotional and be able to control your thoughts because you’re aware of where they’re coming from.
Self-awareness when you have just left or lost a relationship. Yeah. Is the ability to be aware of your emotions, your needs, and here’s a big one. Your fears, fears the biggest emotions in regards to the loss of losing a relationship. So for a few minutes we’re going to talk about the biggest fears that do come into play for some people. The first is the fear of being alone will hell, of course. Let’s go back to that script again. You’ve written, that’s gripped starring two people, a buddy movie, if you want to call it the two of you on the adventure of your lives together, then it happens. You split and you’re alone or it feels like you’re alone. The first thing that I want to reframe for you is that you are not alone. You’re just no longer with that person that you called your mate. But you have a world of humans that want you to come out and play.
You probably have a support system that you’re choosing to not see because your world has revolved around your partner. So for a minute, I want you to think and I want you to fill in these blanks. I am not alone because I have my best friend. Who is it? I’m not alone because in my family I know I can count on my, who is it? Brother, sister, aunt, uncle, godmother, godfather. Who is it? I’m not alone because I have my beautiful children named those children. I am not alone because the people I work with are my friends and they care about me. Name them. I’m not alone because I have my relationships and community it church or temple or my music club or my hiking club or my women’s group or my dog walking friends or the nonprofit I work with or my neighbors fill in the blank right now.
I’m going to give you a few seconds. I am not alone because I have these relationships. Go for it. So I hope that you see in your silence that you’ve really looked around you and you see why you are absolutely not alone. That’s the number one fear that comes up when a relationship ends. Okay? Here’s the next fear. Fear of survival for many women, the end of a relationship means that all of a sudden you have to support yourself in ways that you have not had to do before. Wow, okay. This is an absolutely valid fear. It’s true. Two people paying the bills makes life easier, or if you are a stay at home mom, now you have to go back to work to survive. Fear can be daunting. I’m going to talk about that in a moment when I talk about your identity, but facing the reality that you’ll have to make changes to your lifestyle can create so much fear and anxiety.
The most important part of this is that I can help you, that if you realize that no matter what changes take place, if you are true to yourself, you will make it happen. That means if you go from a three bedroom home to a one bedroom apartment, you do it in a way that honors who you are. I want you to plaster those walls with art that you like. Oh, all right. Here’s one of my favorite stories. I love that. One of my listeners told me she did this. She put up a poster of a bull on her wall and she told herself all day long, every time she walked by it. I am strong like bull, so we can make changes in our perception as long as we choose them. I want you to fill that role refrigerator with the foods that you love.
Seriously. Oh often. You didn’t make your favorite foods because your partner didn’t like them. Get that favorite flavor of ice cream that you love. Get the seven grain bread and dump your partner’s white bread. Get the mayonnaise brand that you liked, that you grew up with instead of what he wanted. I want you to make the space that envelops you now is honestly you as you can. The colors that make you happy. Pinks, purples, baby blues, yellow, bright orange. Change your environment to reflect you and for God’s sakes, get new sheets and bedding. Seriously. Big fluffy, comfy ones. I love that one woman got giant overstep pink polka dots, throw pillows and she covered her bed with them. Are yours blue covered in unicorns. Seriously. What would make you so happy seeing on your bed instead of him? I want you to be in the moment, not in the past, which means I don’t want you to look at what you think you are losing, but what you will now create for yourself.
You have the wheel, you are in control. You can mourn the loss of things in your life or you can look at the journey that you’re about to take. You may have to move from city to a suburb. You may have to give up something like the gym or art class or going out to dinner all the time. You may have to rethink it. Everything about how you spend your money, but guess what it is you and only you making these decisions. Now you can look at it in fear or you can take it as fact and see how you can control it instead of feeling that it’s controlling you. So let’s be honest here. For some of you who are negotiating or living on agreed upon payments for a partner, this feeling can equate to feeling like your ex is controlling your happiness. And your money.
Okay, so maybe he is controlling your money, but he’s not controlling your happiness. You are. How you look at it is how you can take back your control. Remember the unconstructive of something that was not solid in the first place. This is usually part of it. Now you can control your finances and how you spend your money. We hope whether you make it yourself or you get it from him, it is still your money. You have the control is how you’re going to spend it. Okay. Here’s some examples from some of my listeners. Yes, and my seminars and a few of my clients. One woman decided she was finally banning cigarettes in her house and on her property. She was tired of smelling it. Her mom had died of cancer and her ex never cared to stop smoking cigarettes be gone. They were no longer going to be in her domain.
One woman decided that all of her guests need to take off their shoes before entering her home. This was what she wanted. And she set up an altar of all her most joyous statues, quotes, religious icons, and heroes in her living room. I love this one. One woman got out all of her jewelry making materials and filled her dining room table with them. And when she ate by herself, she created so many beautiful things and she never cleared off that table. She finally had space to do what she loved so much. One woman finally went out. She got that great Dane puppy. She was always wanting, and her partner wouldn’t allow them to have it. Think about it. She knew that with every inch that pup was growing. So is she, do you want a kitten, a puppy, a parrot, and a Guana turtle rabbit, a rescue mot or some other magnificent living thing to come home to go out and get it.
Love it, and let it love you. Okay? I want you to take a minute right now and I want you to think about what you want to change, what you want to change in Europe environment to make it be the most authentic you. What will bring you joy right now? Plan for it and do it. A woman sent in a question to me, she asked me if this was acting selfish, well, my answer was hell no. It’s self love. Imagine that. Sell love. Here’s another fear. I’m afraid I don’t know who I am in this world anymore. I was his wife, I was his lover, I was his person. Identity is a huge shakeup to the structure of how you see yourself and how others see you. You’ve been part of a couple in a relationship with fill in the blank. Many of you have relationships based on that.
Your friends are his friends, your families all know each other. Spend holidays together. You’ve based your work or home life on a shared coexistence. So then how do you create this new identity and how do you share it with the world and most importantly, who’s going to support you in creating this new you in? I guess the first step is to accept that the person that you are is actually still the exact same person. Maybe you’re more wounded or stronger or maybe wiser or even happier, but the essence of who you are is still the same. It’s that out our identity that’s changing to the world. The inner one is definitely you just on a new journey and that journey is a personal one, so you were the only one who can put new identity labels on you. And the first one to accept is, of course I am single or divorced or maybe a widow, but that the outside is not going to be what to finds me.
What you decide to label yourself is up to you. Let go of your identity fears and think about who you are. Take a minute and fill in this blank. I am a woman who is, I am a woman who is, here’s a few, a woman on amazing new journey. A woman who’s rebooting her life, a woman who was finally living for her needs and not someone else’s. A woman who is willing to look at herself to see what I am willing to learn through this loss. A woman who’s maybe willing to seek help. I am a woman who has dropped dead gorgeous from the inside out. I am a woman who feels deeply and won’t ignore my own happiness. I am a woman. So I hope that you got some really great things out of today. I want you to accept yourself. I want you to free yourself from the burden of needing someone else to accept you. Think about that against one of my favorite quotes when I accept myself just as I am, I am freed from the burden of needing you to accept me. And here’s a quote from my book. You can’t find your soul mate until you found your own soul. So be good to yourself today. You are love. I’d love you to go over, throw me some of your favorite quotes and affirmations that make you feel good. Put them up on my Guy Free Working on Me Facebook page. Be good to yourself. You are loved.
Thank you for joining me today on the Guy Free podcast. My hope is that you leave this podcast inspired, fired up and ready to take that next step on the magical journey of self-awareness, and then you come back and join us again. Oh, and if you can do me a quick favor, please leave me a five-star review over on iTunes. I gained so much from reading the reviews and getting feedback from my listeners. Each week I’m going to choose one special person who’s left me a review to win my book Guy Free Working on Me. That was the book that started it all. Make sure you add your name to the review, and I’ll reach out to you if you’re the winner. Thanks again for spending your time with me today. Be sure to visit me on the Guy Free Working on Me Facebook page, and on WorkingonMe.com for past episodes and insight into the fabulous journey to you.