WHAT THIS EPISODES ABOUT…
On today’s podcast, we are jumping right into the journey of self awareness, but before we do that we have to talk about why we need it. Here’s the simplest answer in a sentence. If you don’t become self aware and look at your piece of how a relationship ended, you are doomed to repeat the same mistakes in the next one and nobody wants that and if your partner has left you or your beloved is passed away, if you don’t become self aware of your hurt, your sadness and your tools to deal with the sadness, your healing will be a very difficult journey. With self-awareness, you’re taking control of your healing instead of feeling like you’re being drowned in the sadness was self-reflection. You’re starting to find the tools to heal your own wounds. This guy free working on me. Podcast is an opportunity for you to delve into the sides of you that you want to change, that you want to grow.
LEARN MORE ABOUT THE CONTENT DISCUSSED…
• Guy Free Podcast: https://guyfree.com
• Guy Free Facebook Group: https://guyfreeworkingonme.com
• Shauna’s website: https://www.workingonme.com
KEYNOTES DISCUSSED:
• Outer focused means that you’re focused on everything outside of you that’s driving your actions. Inner focused means you know what’s happening inside you. (01:58)
• Self awareness means that you’re aware of your body, your fears, your perceptions, your joy, your sadness, your anger, your hope, all of your emotions. (04:47)
•This is truly a journey to awareness. Here’s one of my favorite quotes from colleague Carl Young. Your visions will become clear only when you look into your own heart who looks outside dreams, who looks inside awakes. (06:52)
• She was keeping her true self hidden to keep him happy. So at the end of our self love movement, what do you think her homework was? Where it, where that red jacket, where it out to the store, to your friend’s house, to her kid’s house. The next time she sees her ex, I told her I want her to wear it. (09:56)
• When you are self-aware, you make choices to compromise with peace in your soul because that’s what you want, but when you make those compromises and do not offer your honored yourself through it, that’s when you and your relationship are doomed. (13:55)
WHEN DOES IT AIR…
February 29, 2020
EPISODE TRANSCRIPT…
Hello and welcome to Guy Free Working on Me. A woman’s journey to self-awareness. This is a great moment in your life, a moment where you have decided to stop taking care of everyone else and to start to take care of yourself. Stick with me through these podcasts, and you will take the best ride of your life. So, Guy Free Working on Me is not meant to be a permanent lifestyle, whether you’re single or in a relationship. As you listen to these podcasts, this is meant to be a moment in your life where you learn how to stop basing your worth, your happiness, and your self-esteem on having a man at your side. This is going to be an all-out redesigning the who you are, who you want to be, and what you feel inside. Are you ready? Let’s go.
On today’s podcast, we are jumping right into the journey of self-awareness, but before we do that, we have to talk about why we need it. Here’s the simplest answer in a sentence. If you don’t become self-aware and look at your piece of how a relationship ended, you are doomed to repeat the same mistakes in the next one and nobody wants that and if your partner has left you or your beloved is passed away, if you don’t become self-aware of your hurt, your sadness and your tools to deal with the sadness, your healing will be a very difficult journey. With self-awareness, you’re taking control of your healing instead of feeling like you’re being drowned in the sadness was self-reflection. You’re starting to find the tools to heal your own wounds. This Guy Free Working on Me Podcast is an opportunity for you to delve into the sides of you that you want to change, that you want to grow.
The fact that you’re even listening today tells me that you’re on a beautiful journey to finding the most genuine, healed, strong, independent and happy you. Okay, so what the heck is self-awareness? Self-awareness is the ability to become inner focused versus being outer focused. Okay? Let’s think about that for a second. Out of focus means that you know what’s going on around you. You know what’s happening in the room. You know what’s happening with that person that you’re talking to. You know that you have a meeting in an hour. You know that you have to get ready in the next half hour or you’re going to be late. Outer focused means that you’re focused on everything outside of you that’s driving your actions. Inner focused means you know what’s happening inside you. You know what you’re feeling is you get ready for that meeting. You know that that meeting is making you feel nervous or excited or anxious.
You know that the boss reminds you of your father or teacher and that’s making you even more nervous. You are in touch with your future dreams and how this meeting can launch you closer to what you want. Here’s a bonus of self-awareness. You are aware of your body and the way that it’s showing you. It’s anxious. Your heart is beating a little faster. You’re holding your breath. You’re not as concentrated as you’d like to be. You have a pit in your stomach. When you really work on yourself and become self-aware, you become not only aware of your emotions, but you become aware of why you feel the way you do and how your body reflects that. Sometimes being physically aware is the very first step becoming self-aware. It’s when you get a headache from the stress that you check on yourself and you see why.
It’s when you get ulcers or stomach aches that leads you to look at the emotions that are driving your body to react that way. When you then become aware of your emotions, you can also get in touch with a really big emotion. Fear. So, when we talk about this meeting, you can ask yourself, is this coming from my past fears? Is this coming from my lack of belief in myself? Is this coming from my excitement for what could happen if the meeting goes well? You become a, you’re aware of your defense mechanisms. Defense mechanisms are going to be what we’re going to attack in the next podcast. So, hang on that one for a little bit. We’ll come back to that in the next podcast. But for this instance, let me explain. If you’re getting ready for this meeting, are you aware that when you get nervous, you talk too much, that’s a defense mechanism or you get quiet or your hands sweat or you tap your foot, you become aware of the things you use to self soothe before or after the meeting.
So, my favorite self-soothing thing has always been a big old piece of chocolate cake. I actually became so aware of this that I made sure that I had a slice of cake in my house when I knew that I had an important meeting. Then I also learned to make sure that it was not a big goal, whole cake because you know I would eat the whole thing. I at least was aware of my self-soothing habits. Self-awareness means that you’re aware of your body, your fears, your perceptions, your joy, your sadness, your anger, your hope, all of your emotions. But my favorite one is that self-awareness means that you become aware of your dreams. And the last podcast, we talked a little bit about how our dreams change after a split from a relationship or after you lose a relationship. When you’re really able to sit with your emotions, deal with your emotions, grow from your emotions, release your emotions.
You can finally give yourself a space to become conscious of your dreams, not someone else’s dreams but yours. Self-awareness means that you become aware of what you believe. Okay? This is a huge growth. After a breakup, often your needs and desires revolve all around the other person’s needs. That’s what we do when we’re in a relationship, but it’s also one of our biggest ways of individuating. A really big psychological word there. It means that it’s the day that you can differentiate your beliefs from those around you. That is the day that you grow exponentially. When you’re finally in this beautiful place of being alone, you have the freedom to delve into your beliefs and then see if they align with your true soul. You can ask yourself if they’re your beliefs or were they given to you, stamped on you by your parents, your mates, your church, your temple, your teachers, your society. The quiet times after a loss of a relationship is an opportunity to look within, to check in on yourself, to map a way to your own self-growth. This is truly a journey to awareness. Here’s one of my favorite quotes from Carl Young. Your visions will become clear only when you look into your own heart who looks outside dreams, who looks inside awakes.
You got to love that on this journey of finding the real you. Things may come to you overnight and other things may take years. I say all the time, ask yourself, are you a Democrat, Republican, socialist, Christian, Buddhist, Jewish, gay, straight, outgoing, introvert, a leader or a follower? Because that’s what you truly feel inside, or have you claimed that label because without it, you’d better not shut up. Show up for Thanksgiving dinner with your family. Oh, I love this story. I wrote this story in my book. It’s called the red jacket. I’m going to read it to you. It’s really, it’s one of my favorite life examples that came from a woman who’d been happily married for 40 years or at least so she thought. Then one day, shockingly, her husband came home and told her he was leaving her for another woman and the relationship.
She’d been a pure nurturer. She had spent their life together satisfying his needs and raising their kids. If he wanted chicken for dinner, they had chicken. If he wanted to watch football all day, she stated his side. She was constantly giving up her needs for his, so when she came into my office, heartbroken and deflated, I knew what we needed to do. We started this self-love movement. I asked her if there was anything that she had suppressed about herself over the years for him, anything she loved to do or wear or be, and then she told me the story of the red jacket one day about 15 years ago, she made herself a beautiful red dress jacket. She worked really hard at picking the color of the material, designing it, cutting it, and then painstakingly sewing it to fit her perfectly. She just loved it. This red jacket made her feel gorgeous and alive.
She had handmade something that represents her and yet you guessed it. He hated it. It was too loud and too young looking. He “forbid” her from wearing it. She was devastated. Always looking out for his needs instead of hers. She took that jacket and she locked it away in her closet. It’s something made her keep it. She kept it in her closet for 15 years looking at it every few months. It was a metaphor for the idea that she was actually keeping her true self locked away in a closet. She was keeping her true self hidden to keep him happy. So, at the end of our self-love movement, what do you think her homework was? Wear it, wear that red jacket, wear it out to the store, to your friend’s house, to her kid’s house. The next time she sees her ex, I told her I want her to wear it.
Put that jacket on and feel gorgeous and feel free at right. Feel free of someone else telling you what you can and cannot do and most importantly, who you can or cannot be. This was a first step to her becoming an individual. Again, a first step to knowing how she defines herself. She defines herself as a red jacket wearing woman, her first moment of self-love. From this moment she redefined herself as an individual. She realized that she was one free thinking soul who could make damn good decisions about herself and for herself. And she looked damn good in that red jacket. Cause you know what I saw? The best part of this story is that four years later she came back to my office in her late sixties she’d found love again. She had found it was someone who honored her, admired her, and respected her.
Why ladies? Because she finally honored and admired and respected herself. So, here’s what I think is the most beautiful part of self-awareness. You know what your dreams are, and you awakened to the real you. You were no longer basing your future on what someone else wants. You’re able to take time to self-reflect, go inward, find out what you really want in life. Seriously, I’m going to have this woman, this other woman, not the one in the red jacket, but this woman on my podcast soon because this woman is someone who found a piece of her that no one would ever have guessed a dream of what she had always wanted for herself. Okay, so I love this story. She’d been a national beauty contest winner. Then she married a Hollywood celebrity. They raised three beautiful children and then they split.
Then she delved into working on herself. It was after so much personal growth and self-reflection that she realized she had this dream to become, are you ready? And African Safari trail guide. Okay, this is a totally true story. She went to Africa and she trained for months and months as a Safari trail guide. I’d have her on the show today, except she’s out in the Bush for the next three months living her dream, but believe me, we’re going to interview her. All right? That may sound extreme, but the moral of the story is that inside you, there are dreams that you have for yourself that perhaps you’ve hidden in order to be what everyone wants you to be. With self-awareness, you begin to discover your dreams. You take a look at what’s held you back from going after them. You address your fears by becoming aware of them, and then you give your dreams the opportunity to come true.
Another woman I knew I had always wanted to live in Florida. Her partner hated Florida. So, the minute she got divorced, she packed up. She went to key West. She got a job. She took up the ukulele and she’d play that beautiful instrument as she hung out on the beach. All right let’s be clear. This does not mean that when we are in a relationship, we don’t make sacrifices or that we don’t compromise. But what it means is that you must do them consciously. You are a co-creator in every relationship. When you are self-aware, you make choices to compromise with peace in your soul because that’s what you want, but when you make those compromises and do not offer your honored yourself through it, that’s when you and your relationship are doomed. Being self-aware means, you are aware of your choices and why you make them. It’s only then that you do not find a reason to resent the other person and more importantly you do not resent yourself.
I was doing this seminar on women’s self-awareness and I had a woman asked me what’s the difference between mindfulness and self-awareness? She kept hearing about mindfulness and seeing memes and hearing the word on self-help talk shows, so she wanted to know the difference. It was actually a brilliant question. Mindfulness and self-awareness are different but there is this beautiful interaction between the two. You cannot have self-awareness without first finding mindfulness. Let me say that again. You actually cannot have self-awareness without first finding mindfulness. Mindfulness is being in the present moment. It’s the ability to focus your mind on what you were experiencing in the present. Mindfulness is the action of being in the moment. Self-awareness is the results. Let’s play with that for a second. Being mindful means that you’re not running on remote control. It’s the ability to quiet what the Buddhist called, the monkey mind chattering in your brain.
Here is an example of being mindful. Have you ever rushed through your house and hit your elbow on a wall? Now you know this wall, you live in your house, you walk through those halls every day, but this time you were in such a rush to get to the next year room that you were mindless as to where you are going. Now you are a holding your arm, shaking your head and saying out loud. Really? Did I just do that? That was mindless. If you had been mind-ful, you know you were in a rush, you’d know and been aware of what was around you as you tried to get to your desired destination, your elbow would be feeling a hell of a lot better. Right now, mindfulness is being present, focused. Self-awareness is being inner focused. So, when you’re mindful, you’re present focused. But it also means that you’re outer focused.
You’re focused on your environment, you’re in the present, driving down the street knowing that the traffic is bad, and you need to be careful. Mindfulness keeps you present, focused and most often present focused is also considered outer focused. Self-awareness on the other hand is inner focused. So that means that I am aware of my emotions around what is happening. In other words, this traffic is making me feel stressed. That means you’re aware of your emotions and your thoughts around what’s happening in your outer world. So, can you see how you need both? The ability to be mindful gives you a space to check in on yourself. When you take a breath and you stay in the moment, you’re able to become self-aware. So again, mindfulness is the action that leads to the outcome of self-awareness. When you bring your consciousness to the present, you can become self-aware of your thoughts, feelings, desires, and then your hopes and your dreams.
And here’s one of my favorite things about self-awareness. You can find your creativity. I mean, after all, really, where does creativity come from? Creativity is this great connection of living in the moment and the ability to hear the creative messages that are being sent to you by your own spirit, but how can you hear them if you have not quieted that monkey mind? Creativity comes from a space in you where you do not decide on an outcome of something. It’s when you release all expectations and you feel your own flow, your own voice, your creative voice, so obviously, if you’re not present, focused and not self-aware, there’s no opportunity for your own creative spirit to be heard. I love this quote. When I discover who I am, I will be free. That’s Ralph Ellison from the invisible man. Okay, let’s get back to how self-awareness affects your relationships and how will it help you get over the loss of a relationship.
There’s another author named Peter McWilliams. He wrote this poem. To me, it says everything about how the only way to have a healthy relationship with someone else is to first habit with yourself. Here it is. I must conquer my loneliness alone. I must be happy with myself or I have nothing to offer you two halves have little choice but to join and yes, they do make a hole, but two holes when they coincide. That is beauty. That is love. Wow. All right. Let’s think about what that saying. The first line is so profound. I must conquer my loneliness alone. It is of course human nature to want a partner in a mate, but when we seek out someone else to complete us rather than find complete newness within ourselves, then we are searching for a codependent relationship. We are searching for someone to fill our voids, right?
The next line addresses that I must be happy with myself or I have nothing to offer you. Again, when we joined in a relationship expecting or hoping that they’re going to be the one to heal our wounds, to save us, to make our life complete, then we’re doing not only a disservice to ourselves, but we’re doing it to the other person and the relationship. If I said that it’s impossible for another person to heal our wounds, would you believe me when I have a client that tells me that they can’t live without the other person? Then what I’m hearing is that they have not found happiness within themselves. Okay, let me make it clear. I’m not saying that there isn’t such deep sadness at the loss of a relationship that it feels like you can’t go on, but the truth is you can, and you will.
How you will look deep into your heart, you will find self-awareness that how you got to this place. You will look at what worked in the relationship and what didn’t. You will look deep into your own patterns and behaviors to see where your pieces of the downfall of the relationship or maybe it wasn’t you that did the damage. Then you’ll look deeply at yourself to find the strength, beauty, and love for yourself to never allow that kind of treatment again in your life. This is how the next relationship will be the healthiest one you have ever had. All right, the last line of the poem, but two holes when they coincide, that is beauty. That is love.
I just love that so much. When you healed all of your wounds, when you have worked on your spiritual, psychological and emotional growth, then you’re going to find a like-minded soul. You’ll be attracted to a healthy person and they will be attracted to you then and only then is when two holes can coincide and you will find true love, not codependent love, not unhealthy love, but true, profound love. So now do you see why you need to be self-aware. With self-awareness comes your opportunity to look at yourself, to see your weaknesses in your strengths, to work on both of them, to look at your dreams with or without a mate, to see your beauty, to see your flaws and to love them all. Self-awareness is a path to self-healing, self-love and this beautiful word, two words, genuine self-aid. That grand. Okay, I have a few self-awareness quotes because I know that for me, quotes and affirmations really make a difference.
When I’m going through a self-learning time or I’m struggling with something, so I’m go on the Guy Free Working on Me Facebook page and I’ll be posting a bunch of these quotes and affirmations for you there, but let’s just take a listen now. Okay. This is from the books of the fabulous Jane Eyre. I am no bird and no net ensnares me. I am a free human being with an independent will. Okay. How do you not just want to plaster that up on your wall? Here’s one from the amazing Ayn Rand from Fountainhead to say I love you. One must know first how to say the I. I’m going to say that again to say I love you. One must know first how to say that I. And I love to tell people on holidays like Valentines and birthdays to go out and buy yourself a love card.
Then you are loving the I in the I love you. How’s this one for looking within? This is Herman Hass. I have been and still am a seeker, but I have ceased to question stars in books. I’ve begun to listen to the teaching. My blood whispers to me that to me says everything we have our answers within. If we become self-aware, there’s a woman that you should read if you haven’t already. I have a feeling that I will be quoting her a lot. See joy, ballsy. She calls herself a philosophical essay is called cultural critics, spearhead thinkers, science writer, business investor, counselor, mentor and author. I’m going to put a link to her website on the Guy Free Facebook page because I could read her work all day long. Here are some of the most beautiful words that I hope you hold dear to your heart.
The person in life that you will always be with the most is yourself. Because even when you’re with others, you’re still with yourself. When you wake up in the morning, you are with yourself lying in bed at night. You are with yourself walking down the street in the sunlight. You are with yourself. What kind of person do you want to walk down the street with? What kind of person do you want to wake up in the morning with? What kind of person do you want to see at the end of the day before you fall asleep? Because that person is yourself and it’s your responsibility to be that person you want to be with. I know I want to spend my life with a person who knows how to let things go, who’s not full of hate, who’s able to smile and be carefree. So that’s who I have to be. Go to the Facebook group, and I’ll have a link to her. She’s amazing ladies. I offer you that. The only way you can learn who that beautiful woman is self-reflection, self-awareness and self-love.
Thank you for joining me today on the Guy Free podcast. My hope is that you leave this podcast inspired, fired up and ready to take that next step on the magical journey of self-awareness, and then you come back and join us again. Oh, and if you can do me a quick favor, please leave me a five-star review over on iTunes. I gained so much from reading the reviews and getting feedback from my listeners. Each week I’m going to choose one special person who’s left me a review to win my book Guy Free Working on Me. That was the book that started it all. Make sure you add your name to the review, and I’ll reach out to you if you’re the winner. Thanks again for spending your time with me today. Be sure to visit me on the Guy Free Working on Me Facebook page, and on WorkingonMe.com for past episodes and insight into the fabulous journey to you.