WHAT THIS EPISODES ABOUT…
Hello Ladies! I’m Shauna Hoffman. I am so happy you have joined me for this podcast today. This tells me that you are on a journey of self-discovery. And I am so happy to go along for the ride. Today we are jumping into a conversation about what makes a healthy relationship. I have this model of healthy loving relationships that I share with my clients… that I want to share with you. The idea behind this is that if you have a healthy relationship with yourself, you will have an even healthier relationship with someone else. And here is the truth. If the other person does not have a healthy relationship with themselves you have no chance of together surviving in happiness.
LEARN MORE ABOUT THE CONTENT DISCUSSED…
• Guy Free Podcast: https://guyfree.com
• Guy Free Facebook Group: https://guyfreeworkingonme.com
• Shauna’s website: https://www.workingonme.com
KEYNOTES DISCUSSED:
• The beauty of self-awareness is that you save yourself from being in denial about all those red flags that you wish you had paid attention to in the last relationship. (02:28)
• You need to become self-aware of if you will do all the work in any friendship to keep it thriving and alive. If it is then we are looking at co-dependence issues. (05:21)
• The beauty is that once you are in a healthy relationship you can actually be in the same space without NEEDING each other’s attention. (07:38)
• Who wants a relationship if there is no chemical energy. But all I am saying is it HAS to go hand in hand with someone who will be your best friend. (09:25)
• This can mean your values as to whether you WANT a family! How many kids you want! Parenting roles? Male roles? Female roles? Do you want to stay home and raise the kids, do you both want to work? What religion if any do you want to raise the kids with? (17:50)
WHEN DOES IT AIR…
March 14, 2020
EPISODE TRANSCRIPT…
Hello and welcome to Guy Free Working on Me. A woman’s journey to self-awareness. This is a great moment in your life, a moment where you have decided to stop taking care of everyone else and to start to take care of yourself. Stick with me through these podcasts, and you will take the best ride of your life. So, Guy Free Working on Me is not meant to be a permanent lifestyle, whether you’re single or in a relationship. As you listen to these podcasts, this is meant to be a moment in your life where you learn how to stop basing your worth, your happiness, and your self-esteem on having a man at your side. This is going to be an all-out redesigning the who you are, who you want to be, and what you feel inside. Are you ready? Let’s go.
Hello Ladies! I’m Shauna Hoffman. I am so happy you have joined me for this podcast today. This tells me that you are on a journey of self-discovery. And I am so happy to go along for the ride. Today we are jumping into a conversation about what makes a healthy relationship. I have this model of healthy loving relationships that I share with my clients… that I want to share with you. The idea behind this is that if you have a healthy relationship with yourself, you will have an even healthier relationship with someone else. And here is the truth. If the other person does not have a healthy relationship with themselves you have no chance of together surviving in happiness.
But today is a reality check on what your last relationship was like. What didn’t work and what was your piece in that scenario. Or if you are in a relationship right now it is a check in on what you need to change in order to make it last. If you are single I want you to listen to all of the sides of a healthy love so that you can look at yourself to make sure you bring the best most self aware part of you to your NEXT love affair.
Fact- if you listen carefully to this podcast you will also see the red flags as you start a new relationship. You will see the unhealthy parts of the person you are dating that may in the future cause you to come screaming at you to ask yourself what the hell have I done.
Aaaah the beauty of self-awareness is that you save yourself from being in denial about all those red flags that you wish you had paid attention to in the last relationship. Instead, you work on yourself, you grow, and you see if the person you are dating has the capability of bringing the best parts of him to your co-created love.
And lastly, today is about realizing that you need to mourn the reality and not the fantasy of your past relationships. When we get out of a relationship or are considering leaving one we tend to only see the best parts of what was or is there. And we go into denial about the reality. The struggles, the hurt, the pains. Today is about mourning the reality not the fantasy of the last relationship. Or seeing the reality and not the fantasy of any relationship you are in right now.
I want to talk about two of the most important pieces of a relationship. Without these two pieces the relationship is destined for heartache.
The first one is Best friends.
You know as women we tend to fall for all the wrong things first. We fall for lust, passion, sex, excitement. And we don’t take the time to see if this person has the emotional tools to be our best friend or if they have enough things in common with me to make this work.
So what makes a good friendship? First, you have to have enough things in common to have fabulous conversations about. You need to enjoy the same things so that you can have fun together. You BOTH have to be the kind of person that is willing to take care of a friendship. If either one of you is the type who makes the other person do all of the work to keep a friendship going then this ain’t gonna work. That one person will eventually become so resentful that they are carrying the whole relationship. And that is a recipe for failure. Think about this. Out of your friends, how many that you call best friends, make you do all of the work to stay in touch? And if they do how do you feel about it?
Now apply this to a guy. When you are dating watch for the red flag that you are the one driving the time you spend together, or the conversations you have, or the fun you have. This will actually make you really aware of your co-dependence and how far you will go to keep a new man in your life. This is such a huge sign of something you need to look at within yourself. You need to become self-aware of if you will do all the work in any friendship to keep it thriving and alive. If it is then we are looking at co-dependence issues. That is a whole NOTHER podcast for another day. So, let’s just make this clear. I don’t want you to be the one doing all of the work in a new or existing relationship! If he is not stepping up and contacting, you to see him… RUN! And if you are not doing the work to keep the relationship moving forward you have to ask yourself why.
Being present! Ok best friends want so much to be present for the other person. They want to be a support. What you have to look at in your past relationships, present ones or future ones is if this person CARES ABOUT YOUR NEEDS. How do they show it? Are your conversations two way? Were they in your last relationship? Did you do all of the caretaking and they did none?When you go into the next relationship you need to see what they are willing to bring to the table.
Ok- Here is the hard part for many women. They love the role of caretaker so much they don’t ALLOW the other person to take care of them. Oh, we women! We have been trained as I said in the last few podcasts to put everyone else’s needs first. But in a friendship that is not what we do. In friendships I hope you have learned to walk away from friends who suck you dry and make you do all of the work. Then I want you to see in a love relationship if you need to do the same.
Here are some fabulous buzz words to think about…. Present! What does that mean? In a healthy friendship when you are with the other person they are not constantly on their phone, or in a headspace that doesn’t include you. That also means YOU. In a healthy relationship you both choose times that you are PRESENT with each other. Of course, its not all of the time. A matter of fact, the beauty is that once you are in a healthy relationship you can actually be in the same space without NEEDING each other’s attention. But let me be very clear. These are agreed upon times. So, when you go out to dinner, are you both focused on each other? Having great conversation? Enjoying your environment? Or are you on your phones? What goes along with this is the word RESPECTFUL. Are you respectful of the time you share with each other? We are going to talk more about respect in a few minutes. But trustworthy, honest, respectful relationships whether in love or friendship are how you feel safe.And that is the best and most beautiful part of a loving relationship. So do a check if you both practice being PRESENT with each other.
We have talked a little bit about your GENUINE self. This is something we are going to delve into more and more as we go along through the Guy Free Podcasts. But let me just say this. If you are in a friendship or a love affair where you cannot be your GENUINE self, you are playing a game. One that is probably about taking care of someone else instead of taking care of yourself. Our goal through these podcasts are to help you find your genuine self and then find love that honors that beautiful woman that you are sharing with the world.
So now do you see why all of us therapists try and get you to become friends before you become lovers? OK, reality check. It’s really hard in this day and age of dating. Most women will try to become friends along with seeing if there is a sexual excitement with the other person. I get that. Who wants a relationship if there is no chemical energy. But all I am saying is it HAS to go hand in hand with someone who will be your best friend. THAT is what will make a divine relationship! Sex and best friend?!! If not. Get out now because it won’t last.
So here is one of the biggest sides of a healthy relationship that I want you to think about. Do you both have the same morals ethics and values? Let’s think about this for a few minutes. Morals! If you are a person that doesn’t cheat on your taxes and the other person does, you have different morals. This will never work in a relationship. You can pretend you don’t care but eventually being with someone who can choose to manipulate things to work in their favor is going to come back to bite you. Honesty, cheating, lying is the number one moral that splits up a couple. On the other hand, if you both cheat on your taxes, or value stealing and want to rob a bank together, it may work! Hell, you can be Bonnie and Clyde together. All I am saying is that you need to see if you and your partner share the same morals.
Here is a value – Monogamy, marriage or open relationships? In today’s day and age, I will never judge if a couple chooses a different lifestyle. As long as both partners agree. If you both value open love, then so be it. If you both value monogamy, then so be it. It is when one wants one thing and the other chooses something else that someone’s heart is going to be broken. And then the possibility for lying and cheating come into play. So, your job is to see what YOUR values are when it comes to this. Be genuine and most importantly be HONEST. There are people out there that want what you want. You just need to find them.
This holds true for weed, drugs, alcohol. If you and your partner are on the same page as to how medicinals play a role in your relationship you are good to go.But when one person values one thing and the other doesn’t you are in for a rocky life. This is a whole podcast for another day. But as you meet someone new take note. Do you have this same value when it comes to medicinals or not. Don’t compromise. This is one of the number one things to ruin a good love affair.
Money!!! Wow! This is a big one! I think I hear some grumbling going on out there in Guy Free podcast land. THIS ladies is one of the most challenging pieces of a relationship. Do you both see the way you SPEND money, SAVE MONEY value money the same way? Does one of you believe in keeping a high debt on credit cards when the other believes in paying it all off every month? Does one want to save for retirement and that is when they want the financial freedom to play hard? Does one want to retire at 50 and the other never? Does one want to drive a Mercedes when the other is happy with a hot red Toyota? Don’t think that if you get together you will change the other person. This is one of the major issues that breaks up a couple.
So bringing this back to YOU… look at the past relationships, present ones or ones you want to go into and see where you can see the red flags, where you saw the red flags and denied them in the name of LOVE. And how you want to move forward differently.
OK, here is one that can divide a couple in an instant. Family values. This can mean your values as to whether you WANT a family! How many kids you want! Parenting! Roles! Male roles, female roles. Do you want to stay home and raise the kids, do you both want to work? What religion if any do you want to raise the kids with? Are you hands on parents or do you want your kids to be more independent? Nanny’s and private school or stay at home schooling?
Let’s look at your relationships and see if you can identify issues that had to do with your family values. Do you hang with your parents and brothers and sisters in big family get togethers and you want you partner to love that? Or do you both want to spend your weekends alone. DO YOU EVEN WANT KIDS!!!
Here are a few other morals ethics values to think about! Your work ethic. Your values around education. Your political values. Your spiritual values. There are so many.
The reason we are talking about all of this is because it is when you lose your self-awareness or don’t know your genuine self; what makes YOU happy, what YOU believe in and why, as you go into a relationship you tend to be swept along for the ride. Then you make compromises that do not agree with or represent your genuine self.
I want you to look at your past relationships or present ones to see if your morals ethics and values are the same. I want you to be so aware of the RED FLAGS of how you may be different than the person you are dating as you go into the next relationship.
Ok, we will never find someone who is the exact same as us. I mean how impossible and really how boring would that be? But the core of our morals, ethics ad values need to be the same in order to last in love. I promise you. If you think you can change someone in regard to this you will be very sad and very hurt.The only person you can change is yourself. So, if you are interested in a relationship where their values are different than yours, take the time to see if you could grow, or be happy changing yours. If not, be very honest if the relationship can last without it.
So here is your work. I want you to replay your relationships and see what was missing in regard to true friendship. And what was incongruent with your morals, ethics and values. Most importantly I want you to think about what is important to you in the next relationship! And if you are in a relationship right now, I want you to look at where the work is to get you to be best friends. And if you have the same morals, ethics and values or what you are compromising for the other person.
We are living breathing changing beings. We can change. We should change! But we need to make these changes based on our own deepest most self-aware choices. Ones that will empower us to be the healthiest and happiest we can ever be. It is then and only then that we can find a love that honors our own truth.
Thank you, ladies, for being with me on today’s podcast! And if you haven’t signed up for future podcasts please do! Now go on out there and be good to yourselves!
Thank you for joining me today on the Guy Free podcast. My hope is that you leave this podcast inspired, fired up and ready to take that next step on the magical journey of self-awareness, and then you come back and join us again. Oh, and if you can do me a quick favor, please leave me a five-star review over on iTunes. I gained so much from reading the reviews and getting feedback from my listeners. Each week I’m going to choose one special person who’s left me a review to win my book Guy Free Working on Me. That was the book that started it all. Make sure you add your name to the review, and I’ll reach out to you if you’re the winner. Thanks again for spending your time with me today. Be sure to visit me on the Guy Free Working on Me Facebook page, and on WorkingonMe.com for past episodes and insight into the fabulous journey to you.