WHAT THIS EPISODES ABOUT…
Hello, Ladies…and a few very hip gentlemen who are listening to this podcast, I’m Shauna Hoffman.
Oh, today is going to be fun. I am sharing with you my favorite most empowering phrase of all time.
Let me give you a little lead-in for it first. You know that moment when you are shocked that you are engaging with someone who is just pissing you off? That moment when you find yourself arguing the inarguable with someone who just won’t listen? Yet, you keep talking? All of a sudden you are dragged into a storm and your mind is screaming how am I going to get out of this? And with some people in your life, this is an ongoing experience? I thoroughly believe …100 %… that there comes a time when you just have to say to yourself, “I don’t do this”. I just don’t do this.
Find out more…listen in:
LEARN MORE ABOUT THE CONTENT DISCUSSED…
• Guy Free Podcast: https://guyfree.com
• Guy Free Facebook Group: https://guyfreeworkingonme.com
• Shauna’s website: https://www.workingonme.com
WHEN DOES IT AIR…
July 18, 2020
EPISODE TRANSCRIPT…
Hello, Ladies…and a few very hip gentlemen who are listening to this podcast, I’m Shauna Hoffman.
Oh, today is going to be fun. I am sharing with you my favorite most empowering phrase of all time.
Let me give you a little lead-in for it first. You know that moment when you are shocked that you are engaging with someone who is just pissing you off? That moment when you find yourself arguing the inarguable with someone who just won’t listen? Yet, you keep talking? All of a sudden you are dragged into a storm and your mind is screaming how am I going to get out of this? And with some people in your life, this is an ongoing experience? I thoroughly believe…100 %…that there comes a time when you just have to say to yourself, “I don’t do this”. I just don’t do this.
We all have our opinions and our desire to be heard. But sometimes, with some people, there is no way to be heard.
You don’t have to say these words to the other person. Just say to yourself with so much kindness in your heart…with so much self-awareness.
- I just don’t do this.
- Yeah…I don’t engage with someone who is unwilling to hear me.
- I don’t engage with someone who is being rude.
- I don’t engage with someone who is disrespecting me.
- I don’t allow myself to be bullied.
- I don’t pretend that it is ok.
- I just don’t do this.
You have to be your own barometer of how much you can take. You have to check in with yourself and know that you are being pushed passed the place that you feel comfortable. Or more importantly, feel safe. But here is an important self-awareness question. Have you allowed yourself to get to a place where YOU are no longer using healthy communication skills? That place where YOU are acting just as unhealthy as the person you are arguing with? Where you’re not being the human you want to be?” It’s at that moment you have to step back and say, “ yeah… I don’t do this.”
Now let’s take this a step further. The most profound place to use this powerful sentence is when you realize that you are stuck in an unhealthy, emotionally scarring relationship; whether with a friend, or a family member or a lover. The most honest and kind sentence you can ever learn for yourself is “I don’t do this.”
So often a woman comes to me and wants me to help her decide if she should stay in a relationship or leave it. Needless to say, that’s never something that I’ll answer for her. But I do help her to find her own barometer to see if she has gone past the place of maintaining a healthy relationship with herself. Is she becoming someone so far from her genuine self that it is time she is honest and says to herself really loud, “I don’t do this? ”
I don’t silence my voice to keep someone else’s ego fulfilled- I don’t do this.
I don’t sit in depression any longer because I am afraid of taking life by the reigns and going for it. I don’t do this.
I don’t keep engaging in this nasty fighting and trying to prove a point to someone who doesn’t want to hear me. I don’t do this.
I don’t spend my life with someone who expects me to take care of them emotionally but they don’t take care of themselves. Someone who chooses drugs, alcohol, any addiction and does not choose their own self-care. I don’t do this.
I don’t stay in a relationship if the only way I can be seemingly happy is to self medicate my own life with drugs or alcohol. I don’t do this.
I don’t want to stay at home and wait for someone who doesn’t care about being with me anymore. Someone who doesn’t honor the gift I bring to their life. I don’t do this.
I don’t give up my dreams for someone else’s dreams. I don’t do this.
Do you get what I am saying?
So let’s get back to the barometer for a second. There comes a time where you have to look deep into your OWN morals, ethics, values, needs as a human, needs as a woman to see if you are living your genuine self. Or are you living a I AM DOING THIS but I so don’t want to life?
Now here is the most important part of that scenario. “I don’t do this” does not mean you sit in total stubbornness and choose not to see if there is anything you need to do to change the situation. I am not talking about escaping any relationship without speaking up and trying to live in that relationship in the most authentic way. I am not talking about jumping ship before you have looked deeply at yourself to see if there is something you need to do to GROW for yourself! I truly believe that every relationship in our lives gives us the opportunity to become self-aware. To look at who we are in that relationship and see if there is something within ourselves that needs to just grow up, or needs to learn how to handle things better, or how to communicate better. Do I need to learn new tools, get therapy, become aware of my own need to change?
The “I don’t do this” statement is one that you have the opportunity to use to claim your truth. First to yourself! Then to someone else. That means that if you are becoming someone that is not who you want to be, acting, behaving in such a way that makes you feel embarrassed, or guilty, or angry at yourself, self-medicating just to be happy or survive a relationship then you first need to look deeply at that. Look deeply at YOU. Can you see yourself clearly? Is it possible you are the stubborn one and you need to learn a way to heal so that the relationship can start anew?
Damn shauna.. you mean I may be the unhealthy one in the relationship?
Sadly, the hardest part is when the relationship that we are in is not conducive to learning how to change. You can look and look at yourself and work on yourself, but if the other person is not doing the same then there is almost no point.
When a couple comes in to me I tell them from the beginning, don’t be here if all you want to do is complain about the other person. Because my work is to get you each to be the healthiest you can be and then see if you can be together. But it will mean a whole helluva lot of self-reflection and desire to change.
You have to listen to your inner heart, thoughts, and feelings and feel the discomfort first. Then you have to see if you can find a way within the relationship to be as authentic as you can, learn your OWN lessons first, and gauge whether the relationship can handle it. Can your partner handle the changes that you want to make within yourself to be a healthier human being? And does your partner have the desire and the tools to change and grow, too? If not you may want to say to yourself, “I don’t do this.”
If there is no more growth for the relationship then you have to check your barometer. You have to be so so self-aware to realize if it’s about ready to bust!
I always say to a couple that my job is to help them become their most real selves…each of them… then they will decide if they still like the person sitting next to them. Or if it is time to leave.
“I don’t do this.”
This holds true for friendships, jobs, relationships with family members. Where you are living, how you are living. “I don’t do this” is the most empowering words if you look at your life to see what fits in your heart and soul for who you are and what needs to change.
Let’s think for one minute about family members. These relationships are the ones that we didn’t choose but were given to us. I like to think that they are actually our biggest lessons in life. Overcoming unhealthy family dynamics and coming to accept who you can or cannot have a healthy relationship within your family is one of the scariest, often saddest and hardest lessons in life. And it is also one of the most empowering realizations and steps to your own individuation! “I don’t do this” can be your freedom.
OK, the family is a podcast for another day. But remember the saying that I use, shared with me by my friend and author, Marianne Williamson? “I’m leaving with love …but I am leaving” It is ok to leave any relationship or put boundaries on any relationship and do it from a loving place. And most importantly a loving place TOWARDS YOUR SELF!
Standing up for yourself means that you are willing to take the first step to your own happiness. No more denial about what your life looks like, what works and what is broken.
Then the fun begins. Because the next step is to ask yourself what you want your life to look like?
Do you stay at this job or find one that fulfills you?
Do you keep trying to have that relationship with a family member, toxic friend, or lover, or do you walk away?
Self-reflection, self-awareness, self-love. These are the steps to finding peace in your lives. True inner peace. Living your most authentic life.
Finally, you get to change the words from “I don’t do this” to
“I DO THIS!” And then you will fill your life with wonder!
“She remembered who she was and the game changed”.
I love this quote from Lalah Deliah who is an inspirational writer and spiritualist. Check out her website and her book Vibrate Higher Daily.
“She remembered who she was and the game changed”.
Everyone, please be good to yourselves, listen to your heart, nourish your dreams, breath deeply, and in peace and I hope. Thank you for listening today and I hope to pop into your lives again next week.