Shauna

When Your Grown Up Kids Take And Don’t Give Back

April 16, 2025 By Shauna

Today we’re talking about something that’s not just frustrating—it’s exhausting. What happens when your adult child keeps taking and taking from you, with total expectations that that’s what parents should do…continuously give with no expectations of receiving anything back. If you’ve ever felt drained from constantly giving but nervous about what might happen if you say “no,” then this episode is for you.

SHOWNOTES

Hello and welcome to A Journey to Awareness. I’m Shauna Hoffman. Today we’re talking about something that’s not just frustrating—it’s exhausting. What happens when your adult child keeps taking and taking from you, with total expectations that that’s what parents should do…continuously give with no expectations of receiving anything back. If you’ve ever felt drained from constantly giving but nervous about what might happen if you say “no,” then this episode is for you.

Oh and for the record…sometimes it’s not your own children, but you are watching your friend or family member in one of these unbelievably codependent relationships and it hurts you.

So let’s start with the idea that there are Givers and Takers

You’ve raised them, loved them, and probably made more sacrifices than you can count. But now, your adult children are still calling for help—money, time, a place to stay, a listening ear—yet when you need something, it’s radio silence.

Parenting doesn’t come with an expiration date, but at some point, the dynamic needs to shift. Ideally, the relationship evolves into mutual respect and appreciation. But if you’re stuck in a cycle where you’re always giving, and they’re always taking, we need to take a closer look.

Why Does This Happen?

There are a few reasons adult kids might not be giving back:
1 They assume you’ve got it all together. After all, you were the one who handled everything growing up. Why would you need help now?
2 They’re in survival mode. The economy, job stress, and life pressures can make them feel like they barely have enough for themselves.
3 Learned behavior. If they’ve always been rescued, they may not even realize they should be returning the favor.
4 Emotional distance. Sometimes, as kids grow up they pull away emotionally and stop considering their parents’ needs, whether it’s from busyness, guilt, or just plain forgetfulness. Yet when they need you it is of course their instinct to reach out.

But how Do You Change the Pattern so you don’t feel used? So you feel seen by them? So you don’t get caught up in an unhealthy give and take relationship where the help you are giving them hurts more than saying no? WHAT? NO???

1. Check Your Boundaries. If you always say “yes,” they will always ask. You have set up the rules. They are just playing the game. What if I say it’s okay to say no. Repeat after me: “I love you, but I can’t right now.” I understand you need help. I believe in you and know you can figure this out without me.

2. Next let’s look at the probable scenario that you don’t Ask For What You Need. We set up this identity as parents that we are the caretakers and we don’t want them to know when we are vulnerable. Well that made sense when they were children because that made them feel safe. But now that they are adults it’s time to change that behavior. Your kids are not mind-readers! Let them know when you need a favor, whether it’s help with something around the house or just a check-in phone call.

3. What if you actually switched it up and tried to teach them Reciprocity. No matter what age they are or you are, this is possible! If they’re always hitting you up for money or help, flip the script: “I’d be happy to help, but could you take care of [small task] for me first?”. And what if you ask for this help at times they have not asked you for anything? We need to change our mindset that we can’t let our children know we need things. That we are vulnerable at times. You would be surprised when you find out that your children love to help you or do things for you but you never gave them the space to do it.

4. Ok next let’s talk about you Encouraging their Independence. It’s hard, but sometimes the best thing we can do is step back and let them figure things out without us as the safety net. I love to tell parents that you can’t take your kids’ lessons away from them. And you shouldn’t! If they are overspending and you bail them out all the time you are their partner in crime in their never becoming independent.

5. Ahhh. here is a big one… You need to Recognize Your Own Patterns. If giving has been your love language, it can be tough to stop. But love isn’t just about giving—it’s about balance. And parenting is not about saving them, it’s about helping them to grow up and live their own best selves….without you. Ah that is what sometimes is hard! Many parents want their kids to need them. They are afraid if they don’t then they will lose them. Let me just say that need is not love. If you are one of these kinds of parents I want you to do some journaling on what love is.

Now, let’s talk about a common reaction—anger.

When you start setting boundaries, your adult child might not take it well. Why? Because if they’re used to you always saying yes, your “no” feels like rejection.

How Do You Handle Their Anger?
1. Stay Calm. Their anger is about them, not you. You are not responsible for managing their emotions. Again, they are not toddlers anymore.

2. Repeat Your Boundary. “I understand you’re upset, but this is what I need to do for myself. I love you, but I won’t be treated this way. I don’t deserve that anger towards me”

3. Give Them Space. Sometimes, a little distance is the best way for them to process. If they lash out, don’t engage in a back-and-forth.

4. Don’t Feel Guilty. HARDEST PART FOR CODEPENDENT PARENTS! Setting a boundary doesn’t mean you don’t love them—it means you love yourself enough to say enough is enough. Remember, their anger doesn’t mean you did something wrong. It means you’re doing something different.

When Grandkids Enter the Picture

Now, let’s talk about a next-level challenge—when your adult child uses your grandkids against you. Maybe they limit visits when they don’t get their way, withhold time if you don’t give them what they want, or make you feel like seeing your grandkids is a privilege instead of a natural family bond. Or they turn your grandkids against you.

Nothing cuts deeper than being shut out from your grandchildren, especially when it feels like punishment for something you didn’t even do. And when an adult child holds your grandkids over your head—whether it’s to get money, control the relationship, or just out of spite—it can feel like a whole new level of betrayal.

How Do You Handle This?

1. Refuse to Play Their Game. If they’re demanding money, gifts, or favors in exchange for time with your grandkids, shut it down. You are a grandparent, not a vending machine. Think about these statements.

“I love my grandkids, but I won’t buy my way into their lives.”
“I’m happy to help when I can, but my relationship with my grandkids shouldn’t depend on that.”

2. Set Firm Boundaries.
“I’d love to spend time with the kids, but I won’t be manipulated.”
“If we have an issue, let’s talk about it like adults—don’t use the kids to punish me.”

3. Be the Safe, Steady Presence. Even if they’re limiting your time, make sure that when you do see your grandkids, it’s positive and loving. Never badmouth their parents in front of them—just be the safe, steady presence they’ll always remember.

4. Seek Mediation If Necessary. If the situation is serious and you’re being completely shut out, consider family counseling or mediation. In some cases, grandparent rights might be an option, but that depends on where you live and the circumstances.

The Hardest Truth of All

Sometimes, all of this boils down to one thing: an ungrateful adult child.
Not all adult kids are like this, but when they are, it stings. If your child takes you for granted, refuses to acknowledge all you’ve done, and gets upset when you stop enabling them… that’s emotional manipulation. And at some point, you have to protect yourself.

You are more than what you give. You deserve respect, appreciation, and a relationship that isn’t based on conditions or transactions.  You cannot control other people’s behavior. You can only control your own.

Let’s write these two statements down!
I am more than what I give!
I cannot control other people’s behavior.

If this resonated with you, share it with someone else who needs to hear it. And remember—setting boundaries isn’t mean, it’s necessary. Your love is valuable. You are valuable.

Oh beautiful listeners, please take care of yourselves this week. Drink lots of water, get lots of rest and have lots of fun! Surround yourself with loving beings and most importantly, love yourself!

Thank you for letting me into your lives this week and I look forward to popping back in again next time.

Stop Screwing Up Your Life

May 15, 2024 By Shauna

Today we are back on the idea that when we are willing, we can change up the Rhythm Of Our Lives. We have talked about looking at yourself and deciding something has to change. Well, for the next few podcasts we are going to talk about the pieces of our psyche, our thinking and our habits that stop us from doing that. Today is a big one. It’s what I talk about in my book as the rebellious child/free child. When that side of us is healthy it is incredibly creative. It’s the side of our personality that thinks outside the box, rocks the boat for change. It’s the artist, it’s the creator. It’s the side of us that loves to play and have fun! We so need this side of us. It’s also called the creative child. But there is a challenge, when it goes overboard it’s the side of us that can totally screw up our lives.

SHOWNOTES:

Hello and welcome, I’m Shauna Hoffman. Today we are back on the idea that when we are willing, we can change up the Rhythm Of Our Lives. We have talked about looking at yourself and deciding something has to change. Well, for the next few podcasts we are going to talk about the pieces of our psyche, our thinking and our habits that stop us from doing that. Today is a big one. It’s what I talk about in my book as the rebellious child/free child. When that side of us is healthy it is incredibly creative. It’s the side of our personality that thinks outside the box, rocks the boat for change. It’s the artist, it’s the creator. It’s the side of us that loves to play and have fun! We so need this side of us. It’s also called the creative child. But there is a challenge, when it goes overboard it’s the side of us that can totally screw up our lives. I mean really. It’s the side of us that goes overboard.

Rebellious spirits lives a life of action with no fear of consequences.

As you can imagine as an artist or anyone who’s trying to create something, you have to think outside the box. You can’t put boundaries on your thinking, creations or your dreams. A matter of fact, for those of us who don’t live in that state, the word can’t or the fear of what others think is what stops us from being creative. Creativity is thinking outside of the known to create the unknown. It’s an exciting, exhilarating and adventurous endeavor.

It’s taking actions with no fear of consequences!

It’s also the side of us that makes us fun-loving, carefree. Think of some of the creative people you know and reflect on how much fun they are to be around! The rebellious/free child taps into a side of the human spirit that almost screams exciting energy. And they don’t care about what other people think. Rebellious child, creative child, free child.

Another wonderful side of rebellious/free creative spirits is the ability to be spontaneous and not stick to expected behaviors, routines or the ideas of others. It’s truly living expect the unexpected! My last podcast episode. If it’s raining outside, they come up with something else to do. They see unplanned opportunities as a way to go beyond obstacles. They throw out all the rules and create new experiences! And there again is the word… create.

Now here is how rebellious/free child spirits screw up their lives. It’s when the wild side of them goes overboard! I always say this is very much the teenager times in our lives. That’s why we call teenagers rebellious. Because they’re trying to break out of the norm and figure out who they are, and create their own rules for life. This state is what we call the Me state. What do I want to do? Where do I wanna go? So when the rebellious child state goes overboard it’s all about “what I want for myself” with little or no thought about the other person.

So how does it screw up your life? When you live your life with very few boundaries and in the Me state, it becomes way too easy to overindulge in just about anything. Drink too much. Hang out with your fun friends and do drugs. It’s the state where people have affairs, because again its action with no fear of the consequences. They’re not looking at the consequences of drinking too much on their health, on their life, on their marriage, on their parenting, on how it’s affecting their job. If they’re having affairs it’s because they’re looking for that fun, that high that they think they are not getting in their marriage. And they’re not looking at the consequences of how it’s gonna hurt someone else or destroy their relationship.They slip into the me state and escape.

We see this with so many of the most brilliant artists, musicians actors, writers, producers directors. They are extremely creative, and this side of them has helped get them to where they are in life. But it’s the negative side of the rebellious child that takes many of them down.

There is a huge danger in your life if you are nurturing an unhealthy rebellious child spirit. Combine this with another side of this state, wild spontaneity and chances are they jump into total denial. They have to deny the possibility that there is a negative outcome to what they’re doing. They deny that it’s harmful or hurtful and they let go of all of their boundaries… and boundaries are what keeps you safe.

Here is another dangerous side of when the rebellious/free child goes overboard. There’s very little guilt involved. So the rebellious child spirit can create a scenario that makes it OK for what they’re doing and they have no guilt of how it’s affecting anyone else. Guilt would mean they would have to change something. And when a rebellious child spirit goes overboard that’s the last thing they want to do. Change.

Now let’s talk about the free spirited side of rebellious Child/free child. It’s when the free spirited person becomes two free spirited. It sounds harmless, right? We love free spirited people. I love to see someone who dresses just the way they want to dress without caring what others think. It’s OK to be different. All of that is the healthy side of a free spirited rebellious child spirit. But when the free spirit goes overboard, they lose perspective on what is safe for them and around them. Like a woman who skips the beach alone, not even noticing that a man is following her. Or someone who puts their child in danger because they wanna break all the rules. This is when free spirited becomes reckless and logic goes out the window in favor of the adventure or rule breaking thinking of the rebellious/ free child state.

There’s a beautiful side of this kind of spirit and that is that they speak up for themselves. That’s what we practice as teenagers that gets us into trouble. But when it becomes overboard, then there is a chance that they become over emotional. That free spirited person who is so overboard that they want everyone to hear their voice! You’ve been around those kind of people where drama is the name of their game.

Emotional, rebellious, free spirited people, creative people, are more in touch with their emotional side. When it goes overboard it’s when the emotion gains control of them over the logic of a situation. Their emotion turns from you or us or the situation to me, me me.

So how do you know if this is you? The first question to ask yourself is is there a side of you that goes overboard that is affecting your life? Are you drinking too much? Are you doing too many drugs? Are you blowing off work? Are you having an affair outside of your relationship? Are you doing other dangerous things like driving too fast or over eating or eating tons of junk food. Here is a big one! Spending money with no fear of the consequences of overspending! Do your emotions get out of control?

Take a look at yourself honestly, with no denial, and ask yourself where is your rebellious free child going overboard? And then ask yourself how is it screwing up your life?

I always say that the first way to change is to make the subconscious conscious. Once you do that you can look at what you need to change in order to change the rhythm of your life. A bigger piece of this is to ask yourself, is there a creative side of you that you are not tapping into? Is there a fun loving spirit in you that is desperately needing attention? Are you working so hard that you’re rebelling in other ways? Are you an artist or a musician or a writer who has let that side of you go in in order to live a less creative life? Are you so rigid in so many other things in your life that the only way you can break free is going overboard with something unhealthy?

We all desperately need this side of us. But we need it healthy. Without a creative outlet, fun, spontaneity, playfulness, our subconscious is going to find quick and easy ways to experience it. And I can almost guarantee you that one way or another you will pay with the consequences that you’re not looking at.

So if you wanna stop screwing up your life, you actually have to look at your life. No more denial. No more closing off your adult thinking in order to get away with old behaviors. Get in touch with the wonderful and healthy and fun side of creative child. And if you don’t have a creative child, find it.

It might be something more subtle than you know. It might be creating a beautiful garden. It might be changing all of the colors in your home. It might be writing your memoirs or starting a screenplay or, getting out and doing more fun things with your life! Trying something new, going someplace new, and if you need to start very very small, then do so. And most importantly, if you need to look deeply at behavior that you know is screwing up your life, then put on your he, she, or they pants and do so.

In order to change the rhythm of our lives to find happiness and passion then we have to become self-aware and look at the things that are holding us back. Not with judgment, but with hope. Hope that you love yourself enough to make the changes to start you back on a path to your wonderful life.

Here is a perfect quote by Nayyirah Waheed,

There is no healthier drug than creativity!

Albert Einstein said,

Creativity is intelligence having fun!

This season of the podcast is about changing up the rhythms of our lives. But we have to look at what is stopping the music in our souls. So if you can take just a little time to look deep within… I believe you will find the answer. Remember no judgement, just hope.

Oh beautiful listeners, please take care of yourselves this week. Drink lots of water, get lots of rest and have lots of fun! Surround yourself with loving beings and most importantly, love yourself!

Thank you for letting me into your lives this week and I look forward to popping back in again next time.

React or Respond, It’s Your Choice

May 8, 2024 By Shauna

I have said in many a podcast that we really are programmed. It’s as if our brain or our heart has been programmed by our past successes, our past experiences, our past communications and our past hurts. And along with all of that comes defense mechanisms. So what is a defense mechanism? It’s what REACTIONS we have created and even nurtured to defend ourselves against harm.

For instance, if someone had an abusive parent that never listened to them their usual REACTION may be to keep quiet so as not to get hurt, or leave the situation. Defending against harm. So this reaction as an adult may be to just get quiet in a fight, shutting down, shutting off or to and leave and escape the confrontation. That is not communicating or “responding” to the situation. It is reacting.

Join me today as we explore React or Respond, It’s Your Choice. Ready?

SHOWNOTES:

Hello and Welcome, I’m Shauna Hoffman. I hope you have all had a wonderful week. I have this lovely friend that was telling me about an interaction she had with a young, very reactive associate. As I listened to her I was completely in awe of her amazing communication skills. Specifically, how calm she stayed, how she listened and was not reactive. How she stated her own side of the issue with logic and not emotion. And she did it while still being true to herself and her needs. WOW! I’m not even sure I could have dealt with it the way she did. When I said that to her she said she has been working on a very important human communication skill. Responding versus reacting. Then she went on to say that this ability is what separates humans from animals. And in that moment this podcast episode was born!!

If I could help every couple get to the place where each of them could respond versus react, their relationship would change! If I could get every mother and daughter, father and son, parent and teen to do this I would happily be out of business.

So what’s the difference? Reacting is usually a more instinctive response to any situation, good or bad. There is an immediacy about it. Almost automatic. And almost always it is driven by old defense mechanisms, ingrained habits and definitely emotions. Its usually a very quick response that comes flying out of us and usually does not involve much conscious thought. It is ruled by emotion. In other words no critical thinking and definitely no self awareness.

So what is a defense mechanism? It’s what REACTIONS we have created and even nurtured to defend ourselves against harm.

Another scenario. If you had a parent that never let you win an argument, that always made you fight harder, scream louder and longer to be heard than chances are that is the defense mechanism you bring into adulthood and any argument you are having with a spouse or friend or neighbor…or or or…. in the present. That auto response to conflict is fight like hard to be heard and WIN! And that usually means you are not listening to the other person. You are afraid if you do you will never be acknowledged as right in the fight. You are reacting and not responding to every thing that is being said.

Now let’s say your defense mechanisms are not from childhood, but actually from the result of a previous bad relationship. Let’s say that you were the quiet one as a child, example one. And you married example two, the fighter and yeller who had to win. Chances are that if you finally get out of that possibly abusive relationship you become the screamer yeller for fear of ever going back to being the quiet one! You swear you will never be harmed again. So, your defense mechanism changes. Often the new mate has to look at these partners and say, “I am not him. I actually hear you, you can talk to me and share your feelings and I will hear you”.

Another scenario, the two screamers and fighters. It is like a perfect storm. A hurricane that can’t be stopped. And the hurtful things that are said cannot be taken back. Again, both are reacting and not responding. And so often when I ask them how they feel afterwards they hate the person that they become in those situations. It’s as if afterwards the awareness finally touches them. They look at themselves and don’t like what they see.

So what is the answer that will change every interaction you have? You learn to respond and nor react.

Let me be clear. I am not saying that we do not have feelings, or that we are not hurt. It is that we learn how to respond in a healthy way so as to actually protect ourselves with wisdom and not arrows.

There is a beautiful Buddhist wisdom called the Second Arrow Of Suffering. It’s a parable that teaches that being struck by the first arrow is painful. Let’s say that is the arrow that someone is throwing at you. But it’s the second arrow that is even more painful. That is the arrow that you launch that is really striking you.

Buddha says,

“In Life, we can’t always control the first arrow. However the second arrow is OUR REACTION to the first. The second arrow is optional.

Wow. The second arrow is optional. That’s what’s in our control. Are we going to cast that second arrow knowing that it is not hurting our opponent, but only hurting ourselves?

Responding and not reacting.

Take a deep breath and think about this. Responding usually involves a much more thoughtful and definitely deliberate approach. We stop. We don’t auto-respond, we stop to think and feel. We think about what we just heard, or witnessed. We become aware of how it makes us feel. Hurt. Angry. We check in with ourself. Don’t focus on them for just a second. Focus on yourself and STOP what is about to be an old defense mechanism and decide how you can RESPOND in a healthy way. Do not throw the second arrow.

It definitely takes a nice deep breath and true self awareness to see how you do want to respond and think about how you don’t want to respond. You STOP. You think about the situation. You consider what the other person is saying. In other words you HEAR THEM and then you decide how to respond. It doesn’t mean that you agree with them. It doesn’t mean that you don’t share your hurts, or your feelings, or your perception of the situation. It means you do it deliberately instead of as an auto response to what your psyche is perceiving as danger. Defending yourself against harm.

I have another podcast episode, number 41, that’s titled “I don’t agree, but I’m listening”. Now there is a novel idea, to actually listen to the other person and still disagree without letting it trigger old communication styles, or defensiveness.

Self awareness, not reacting, still being true to yourself and your needs, breathing and thinking before your respond.

Don’t shoot the second arrow at yourself.

So how do you be true to yourself in responding?

You acknowledge your hurt, or your feelings to yourself first, and then to the other person. You explain how you perceived the situation in those fabulous I statements. “I saw it this way… I was hurt when you said… I am not feeling safe with you right now. I am sorry.”

Now just because you are responding in a healthy way, sadly does not necessarily mean the other person is. I like to share two analogies with my clients. The first is the wheel of suffering.

When someone is so upset and reacting in an argument they are what I call “on the wheel of suffering”. And usually they will do everything to get you to jump on it with them. Don’t. When you are taking time to respond versus react it is your way of staying off the wheel of suffering. You can’t pull them off of it. But you have the power, with true self awareness, to realize when you are about to jump on it. STOP.

The other is what I call an hallucination. Sometimes you are in a fight and the other person is so reactive and out of control, it’s as if they are hallucinating! Well, I guarantee you that there is no healing to take place when you join the hallucination with them. Stop. Breath, Assess and respond without reacting.

The truth is that you cannot always control the other person in a fight and hope they will respond instead of react. But you can possibly keep the tornado from getting bigger. And you can definitely stop shooting yourself with the second arrow. Self preservation. Sometimes that is all that you can do. But I promise you this, you will have reached a new level of self awareness and peace by doing so. And since this podcast is called A Journey To Awareness you have taken another step on your journey!

I want to leave you with the last piece of the second arrow parable. “Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.”

As this whole season is about changing up the music to our souls, this statement says it all. At the end of the fight, how much you let yourself suffer and replay it over and over is optional. It is your choice. If the disagreement has been resolved, or even if it hasn’t, stop your own suffering. Learn from it. Learn about yourself. Learn about your needs. Listen to your heart. and then let go.

Now imagine how your life would change if you could actually learn this amazing new communication tool, responding versus reacting. Imagine how it will change your relationships your communications, and most importantly how you feel about yourself.

I hope you all have jumped a few steps today on your journey to self awareness. I hope that this next week you become more and aware of your defense mechanisms. I hope you practice responding and not reacting. I hope you honor your truth and give yourself grace.

To my listeners today, I hope you take loving care of yourself. Drink lots of water, sleep peacefully and surround yourself with loving beings. Thank you for letting me into your lives this week and I look forward to popping back again next time!

Expect The Unexpected

May 1, 2024 By Shauna

Expect the unexpected is a way to encourage staying adaptable or flexible in any situation. The first step in staying flexible is to have an open mind! I like to point to a painting in my office and tell my clients not to frame the painting yet! Keep painting! Life is not static. It is also about embracing spontaneity!

Think about it. Expectations are static. But life is far from static. Having an open mind, being flexible is how you use your creativity, your problem-solving skills and your instincts in any situation that arrives to take the next step. Good or bad!

Are you ready for the unexpected? Listen in…

SHOWNOTES

Hello and welcome, I’m Shauna Hoffman. Many of you know this, and some of you don’t know. I own another business called Whodunit. It started as a mystery theater company turned into a mystery cruise company, turned into a giant event cruising business. I have been lucky enough to cruise over 200 times in my life, all over the world. And our Whodunit motto is, “expect the unexpected”! So I thought, what a perfectly fun motto and life hack I have been living for the last 40 years to talk about today.

To expect the unexpected can be anything! The unexpected could be some amazing gift that you receive, or a relationship you never expected to have, or you win the lottery! Or the unexpected could be a glitch in your life, or something went wrong in your day. The unexpected can either be looked at as a good thing or a challenge. Well, I want to kind of look at it today just as the unexpected. Neither good nor bad!

OK, this motto goes right along with living in the present. It means that you stay exactly where you are and expect that you never know what’s gonna happen next. I guess it could also be, expect nothing and see what comes. Or, expect that you will be able to handle whatever comes. Good, bad, challenging, fun, crazy, miraculous.

So how do you take the next step and stay flexible? First you breathe. Then you assess. Then you have to gather all of your mind skills and awareness of the situation to look forward, not back, to change or adjust your plan. Even the best, unexpected events still need us to adjust our day or our thoughts or our emotions or our future.

There is a skill, or perception or attitude that I try to embrace in these moments. It’s maintaining a positive attitude. If I can do this even in the worst circumstances I can remember that I am a resilient person. I always get back up.

This is not so easy for everyone.

OK, this is going out to my listeners who may have depression or anxiety or be Type A personality, who feel more comfortable when they can control a situation. Embracing expect the unexpected will be most difficult for you. Anxiety comes from the inability to control the situation in your mind. And in order to stay open enough to expect the unexpected and be resilient you have to let go of the idea that you can control everything in your life. And for so many of you, this is the biggest challenge. The hardest part for this kind of personality is keeping a positive mindset. And how the heck do you do that if a new situation is making you feel fearful or nervous or anxious?

The first thing you have to do is let go of the idea and expectations that you had of the situation in the first place That situation has changed or it can change at a drop of the hat and there is no going back. While you’re in the situation and trying to manage it, you can’t start playing over all the things you did wrong. Instead you face forward and you open your mind to use all of that creativity and insight we talked about. Stay in the moment you are in and figure out how to take just one step. One step towards handling the situation.

Now here is a whole ‘nother way to think about expecting the unexpected. I always thought my husband worried too much about some thing that was going to happen while we made plans. His answer to me was, a “I’m not worrying. I am preparing for anything that could happen in this situation.” Well that made a lot of sense and I understood that his emotions weren’t wrapped up in preparing for it. He really wasn’t worrying. He was just preparing. So check yourself and see if you’re worried about something that is coming up in your life? Or are you preparing for it? And then be ready to throw everything out the window. Because if you have prepared for it, then it is not unexpected! And this whole episode is expect the unexpected!

Obviously, there are going to be times when the unexpected is something really difficult or heartbreaking, a loss of someone or something profound. Those are probably some of the most unexpected things that happen in our life. So for those situations keeping a positive mindset is very difficult. And I wouldn’t expect it of you. But the tools that you have in that situation are the ones that will help you get through. First you get support from everyone in your life that can be there for you. Next you prioritize your own self-care and mental well-being as you try to navigate this unexpected event. Being adaptable! Realizing that as a human, you really are adaptable even when you feel like you cannot move. Remembering that you have the power and eventually the strength to move forward with the support of your friends and family or professionals and do it with self-care. Eventually, you will have a change in perspective. A Course in Miracles is a spiritual book of psychology and it says that a miracle is a change in perception. You might not have that as you are in the situation but eventually your peace will come from a change in perspective and perception around the unexpected that happened in your life. In times like this, because I study the course, I just sit down and close my eyes and ask for a miracle. I am asking for a change in perception. One that will bring me just a little bit of peace.

OK now let’s have some fun and talk about the mindset behind expecting the unexpected and being ready for wonderful, amazing, miraculous, fun, wildly entertaining things to show up in your life. Things that you never expected. This is the mentality that people have when we say that they look at life with their glass half full instead of glass half empty. Admittedly, I am one of those people. I am always waiting for the miraculous to show up in my life each day. I wake up in the morning and I think to myself what is today going to bring me? I know what I have planned for the day, but the universe works in mysterious ways and my motto is expect the unexpected. So what is the unexpected gonna bring me today? Try it right now! You know what the rest of your day is supposed to be. Now say to yourself, “I expect the unexpected! I can’t wait to see what today will bring me!!”

Our minds are programmed! And believe me when I say that you can reprogram them! You can reprogram yourself to think positively instead of negatively. You can ask yourself how thinking negatively is helping you in your life and instead you can say, I choose another way. And then start practicing, practicing, practicing every day to look at the world with your glass half full. Then wait for that thing that is going to fill it all the way up!

My mom was a holocaust survivor. She was in Auschwitz from the age of 11 to 13, after her family was all killed. Yet my mom was one of the most joyous and positive people I have ever known. I used to say, “Mom you wear rose colored glasses”. And her answer to me was, “I know, I put them on.” Wow,v that said it all! She could’ve looked at her life as a glass half empty. Instead, she not only looked at it as half full, she looked at it as overflowing.

And thankfully, that is what she taught me!

I think for my mom it came from one word. Gratitude. She had so much gratitude for her life and that she survived, that it kept her looking forward in her life instead of looking back. It kept her staying in the moment instead of living in the past. And it kept her appreciating everything in her life instead of seeing what she no longer had.

To expect the unexpected means that you look for the silver lining in everything that happens in your life. It is also looking towards each moment in your life and knowing that you deserve wonderful things to happen to you.

Wow! Let me say that again! It is looking at each moment in your life and knowing that you deserve wonderful things to happen to you! I love the words, I deserve!

Right now, I want you to say this to yourself, I deserve wonderful things in my life.

I deserve magical things to happen to me today.

I deserve happiness, joy, fun, and miracles!

Then, after you turn off this podcast today, I want you to write a full page of everything that you deserve in life! And remember, you may not believe it yet, but this will be the beginning of reprogramming your mind and putting on your rose colored glasses!

I love this quote by Rhonda Byrne
There is a truth, deep down inside of you that has been waiting for you to discover it, and that truth is this… you deserve all good things life has to offer.

So today if you are going to expect the unexpected, I hope you expect all good things that life has to offer.

My beautiful listeners, please be good to yourself, drink, lots of water, surround yourself with loving beings, get lots of rest, go out and have fun, and expect the unexpected!

Thank you for letting me into your life this week and I look forward to popping back in again next time

Heartstrings and Happiness – The Art Of Giving Back

April 24, 2024 By Shauna

Whenever I have a client who is sad or unhappy or lonely, or still hasn’t found a purpose that brings them joy, or they are new in a town or city and haven’t met new people, and they come to me for help, the first thing I suggest is to find a place to volunteer. I know my clients who are listening to this have heard it from me so many times.

This holds especially true for people who suffer from depression. Why? When you volunteer it is an opportunity, a moment, or afternoon or week to not think about yourself! It gives you just a little time to try and help “a cause”. And by doing that it shifts your focus and perspective to such a huge degree that inevitably it starts to help you feel better. When you are in depression or feel lonely, you tend to circle back to negative thoughts and emotions about yourself And your life. But giving back can change that!

SHOWNOTES

Hello and welcome to A Journey to Awareness, I am Shauna Hoffman. Today is going to be a short episode because I have spent the last week volunteering for the dog rescue that I work with. So I thought rather than not doing one at all, I would do one and wrap it around what an amazing experience it has been for me volunteering this week.

And there is biology behind this! When a person is generous or altruistic, it creates a response in the brain that taps into positive emotions. Doctors believe that the brain produces and then releases neurotransmitters and hormones such as dopamine and oxytocin. All chemicals that help us feel pleasure and happiness.

People think I’m crazy because even though I have three careers, I still volunteer. I am Vice President of Southland Collie Rescue in California. Saving Lassies. Saving animals is a huge passion for me that has personally changed my life, my perspective on the world, and on humanity. It has brought me a circle of friends that I adore and feel are just like me. Without a doubt, some of my closest friends have come from the work that I do in animal rescue.

It seems that no matter how exhausted I am, if I get a text or an email, or a private message about a dog that needs my help I can’t help but find the time to help rescue that collie.

Maybe it’s helping something that is so helpless themself. Maybe it’s my absolute passion with dogs and the joy they bring to our world. Maybe it’s that it gives me a break from my normal routine and business goals and is such a difference from helping humans that it draws me in. But one thing I know for sure, it absolutely takes me away from all of my own issues or challenges, exhaustion from work, worries, stress that I’m dealing with and let’s me focus on something so pure and egoless as a dog. And somehow, miraculously, it actually jumpstarts me and gives me back tenfold the energy I’m putting out. When I see a dog’s life saved, the joy I feel is overwhelming.

Animal rescue is only one way of giving back to humanity and the world. Volunteering and finding what moves your heart and soul is different for everyone. It could be something saving the planet that grabs your heart. It could be working with the elderly or foster children, or even a youth basketball team, or community project. it could be volunteering for your church or temple, it could be making food for the homeless. It could be getting kids out on a golf course and teaching them how to golf.

And it doesn’t have to be something so altruistic that it may change the world. When we take our dogs on Sunday mornings to walk in our town, we always come across this couple who are walking the pathways with one of those grabber tools and a bag picking up trash. Nobody has asked them to do it. They’re not getting any accolades for doing it. They’re doing it because it makes them feel good. I have a group of friends who are accomplished sci-fi writers. They have started podcasting and sharing all of their knowledge of writing for free, Hundreds of podcasts teaching writers how to accomplish their dreams.

Giving back to people, or your community or our world doesn’t need to be with an organization. It can be you buying a bouquet of flowers and giving it to a stranger, or your elderly neighbor, or a police officer or mailman you see. It is a selfless act of giving.

For a long time, before I had time to volunteer someplace, I would fill bags that I had gotten at a convention with all kinds of stuff a homeless person may need. I kept it in my trunk and if I saw someone I would stop and give it to them. Often they never said a word and just took it. That was fine! I wasn’t doing it for me. I was doing it for them. Not everyone has time to volunteer. But everyone, no matter who you are or where you are can give back. Even if it just trying to make someone smile today.

Another thing I love to do during Girl Scout cookie season, when they are selling outside a store, is to buy a box and tell the Girl Scout to give it to the next person they see that looks like they need to smile. I love to watch them search someone’s face to see who needs a smile. I got back! The Girl Scout got back and the person who got the cookies got back!

The idea of volunteering means you are not getting paid. You are choosing to be someplace and offer your energy with no expectations of anything personally in return.

But you do get so much in return. Like Connection, Community. Volunteering allows you to connect with like-minded individuals who share your passion for making a difference. It’s one of the best ways to meet people that you would have something in common with. Without a doubt it’s such a wonderful opportunity for someone who doesn’t feel like they have a support system in their life or friends that they have something in common with. Or they just feel a bit lonely.

We have talked so much about finding our purpose in life. Well, very often our purpose has nothing to do with a vocation. Often times our purpose is fulfilled by looking at what brings us joy and sharing it with others. Or, we look at what we feel needs to change in the world and try to do our part to help make that happen.

This episode is not about lecturing anyone to go out and volunteer or give back. But once again it’s an opportunity to become self-aware if there is something missing in your life. Or becoming self-aware that the things that you’re doing to bring down your depression or anxiety, or loneliness aren’t working and you need something else. And maybe just maybe giving back to someone, some thing or some cause is all you need.

There is another situation or personality type that could benefit from giving back. Maybe you’re one of those who has become so wrapped up in your own ego and life, belongings, and stuff that you need a reality check. You need to find some level of compassion or increased empathy. Maybe you need a new understanding of the challenges that someone else or a different community might be experiencing. Sometimes we just have to get out of our cushy lives, our quote unquote perfect self to see firsthand the struggles and needs of others. And I can’t think of any better way to do that than volunteering. There is nothing more eye opening than having a change in perception about your own life by seeing how others live.

So here in lies the joy of volunteering. You are not only doing it for the cause, You are actually doing it for yourself. You’re doing it because somehow that one place where you’re volunteering, or giving back is making you feel just that much better about your life, your purpose, and your perception of the world.

I also believe wholeheartedly that volunteering sets an amazing example for your children and those around you. My grandchildren watch me do rescue work all the time. We had been saving coins for my grandson to do something special like a karate class or buy something for himself for his birthday. And when that time came around, I asked him what he wanted. And at eight years old, he said to me, I think we should give it to a dog rescue. You can imagine the look on my face; pride, shock and unbelievable love. That gesture was going to bring him more pleasure… than a toy.

Compassion can be taught to our children. Each person’s life that you touch when you volunteer starts to heal our world.

Martin Luther King said,

“Life’s most persistent and urgent question is what are you doing for others?”

Elizabeth Andrew says,

“Volunteers do not necessarily have the time, they have the heart.”

If this episode has touched you in anyway or sparked any curiosity about how you can give back then jump on the internet and search up volunteer opportunities in your town. Or, list all of the things that you are passionate about and love to do and see if there’s a way to share it with someone else…FOR FREE!.

So my last quote today is one of my favorites by Sherry Anderson,

“Volunteers don’t get paid, not because they’re worthless, but because they’re priceless.”

To all my beautiful listeners, be kind to yourself, take care of your body, and your mind and your heart! Surround yourself with beautiful beings, give and see how much you receive in return!

Thank you for letting me into your life this week and I look forward to popping back in again the next time.

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