Working On Me

A Journey to Self Awareness with Shauna Hoffman

67 A Worldly Adventure Called Choice

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Hello and Welcome, I’m Shauna Hoffman.

Thanks for joining me today on this deep dive into why I hate the word, “Habits”.  And most importantly that I have learned that travel is the best way to rethink the way we live our lives, the choices we make and the “HABITS” we have created. It all started because I downloaded this cool app that was supposed to help me set up goals to change my habits. I started it a month before I took a trip to Canada. I had been dedicated to this app trying to get me to change my habits. Then all of a sudden here I was on my trip, waking up in a different bed, looking at a different view and it didn’t’ take me long to realize I felt like I was being nagged to death by an app! Oh, it’s a really pretty app with really great audio content and opportunities for changes in your thinking. Lots of it… but when I didn’t do what they wanted me to do it made me feel bad. And here I was on vacation and guilt was the last thing I wanted traveling with me. Fair enough, I was the only one putting guilt on myself! But it was time to dump the app.

I realized that there was one thing better than an app to change my habits. Travel. I realized that travel and change in your environment force you to relinquish certain habits just long enough for you to rethink their worth in your life! Whether it’s the food that you eat every morning that is not right there in your hotel room, or cruise ship cabin, or whether it is that morning ritual of reading your emails before you get out of bed yet here you are out to sea and you have no internet! When you travel habits have no choice but to be challenged!

And when we challenge a thought process or lifestyle choice we give ourselves the opportunity to morph! To grow! To expand! To live, and to breathe in ways we have never breathed before. It’s funny because at first, it is a bit uncomfortable. “Wait! Canada doesn’t have my favorite coffee? Can I really start my day without it?”

Uh… yeah! And how glorious it is to experience something new if we open our consciousness to change and choice! Ahhhhh the word “choice”!

All habits, negative habits or positive habits are truly just choices! Today I choose to do the app. Today I choose to drink water. Today I choose to do my yoga. Today I choose to binge-watch TV and do nothing. Today I choose to try a new coffee and sit on a balcony in Canada and read a book and not look at my emails or texts or social media and just breath!

And with that statement, my life changed!  I realized that I hated the word Habits and I loved the word choices!

Let’s break down first what habits are. They are those behaviors that we repeat so much that they no longer involve conscious thought. In other words, they are behaviors that we engage in by HABIT! But the truth is it started with Choice! I had to choose to take part in that behavior first! There was a conscious THOUGHT that spurred my behavior.

Now, think about these two statements and see which will empower you more. I will get into the habit of drinking water today. Or  “I choose to drink water all day today.” Bam! That is so empowering! No guilt! Choice!

OK- I do think there is something to the idea that once our choices become a lifestyle for us then they become a subconscious choice versus a conscious one.  We no longer have to think about something we want to do. We no longer have to consciously choose to do it or not. Our subconscious takes over the motivation and then the behavior. But it all started with conscious choice.

And then one day you find yourself in a new place, a houseboat, or a cruise ship cabin, or a friend’s fold-out couch, and all of a sudden your subconscious choices are blaring right in front of you because you can’t participate in them, and you can’t count on them. And at THAT moment you either adapt or you have an anxiety attack! HA!

It’s the moment that you choose to adapt and look at this situation differently that your whole world has the opportunity to change!

Lifestyle is exactly what travel challenges you to go beyond.

But what happens when you are back home? Your old habits are screaming to take over again. And there it is. You can choose to go back to the same rituals or you can bring all the new behaviors and thought processes and experiences you learned while away back home with you. And this is when my favorite words come in. Self-awareness!

In order to make positive choices in our lives, we have to be self-aware. We have to be able to check in with our minds, bodies, and souls to see what we need. We need to ask ourselves if I felt better, or happier, or healthier when I was away than when I’m home?  And if so what new CHOICES do I want to embrace and claim for my new lifestyle now that I am back?  When you open your eyes in the morning and reach for your phone you need to ask yourself am I about to lose the joy and self-awareness that I gained on my last adventure? Or am I going to go back to the lifestyle I had before I learned what truly makes me happy? Because the answer is…..yep, I’m going to say it…you have a Choice!

Change, whether it’s travel or a new coffee in the morning gives us the opportunities to turn off remote control in our lives and live in the moment. And at that moment I promise you that life will feel more genuine, more creative, happier, and more fulfilling.

We can make the choices that either empower our lives, help us stay healthy, surround us with positive relationships, release our creativity and most importantly bring us happiness, or we can go back to remote control.

Take a nice easy breath and think about this. What choices can you make to honor your true self just today? What choices can you make to show yourself that you are worthy of self-love? What pieces of your past do you want to leave outside the door the next time you walk back in? And then ask yourself, what new coffee do you want to try tomorrow?

Here is a lovely quote by John Maxwell. Life is a matter of choices. And every choice you make makes YOU.

Oh, my adventurers on the journey to you, thank you for letting me into your lives this week and I look forward to popping back in again next time.

LEARN MORE ABOUT THE CONTENT DISCUSSED:

• A Journey to Awareness Podcast: https://www.workingonme.com/podcast
• Shauna’s website: https://www.workingonme.com

WHEN DOES IT AIR:
February 19, 2022

66 The Healing Power of Blue Water

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Often my episode ideas are sparked by something going on in my life. Or a conversation I have had with a client. Well as I am heading off on a cruise this week I keep getting pulled back to one topic. The power of water to heal our souls. The ocean! A lake! A river! Rain! Waterfalls! Oh let’s not forget hot springs! Even a calming shower or a meditative soak in a bathtub!

There are so many parts of being by, in or around water that have been scientifically proven to calm our spirits, or heal our souls. Some say that it is the sound of the waves that is so therapeutic. There’s a psychology professor at Southeastern University, William Dorfman, who says that the white noise of waves breaking on the rocks relaxes our brains and stimulates the production of feel-good chemicals in our body, like serotonin and dopamine.

Think about it. Have you ever noticed that so many calming or meditation apps use the sounds of waves to lull you into a calm state? Or the sound of rain! They say that the sound of rain can create the soundest sleep you can have. It’s not white noise.  They call it pink noise. It is a natural sedative. A settling sound that blocks out other sounds that keep your mind from quieting down. Listening to the predictable and rhythmic pattern of rain actually lulls you into an alpha state that’s the same state we strive for in meditation. The alpha state is that early early stage of calm and drifting off that we all crave in order to gently fall asleep.

I don’t think there is one human sense that doesn’t react to water.  For me it’s looking at it that heals my soul. Some say it is the color blue. Oh and the vast blue green colors of the ocean are like looking at a giant mood ring that is changing constantly. If a cloud goes overhead, or the wind is whipping up the currents, or if a dolphin jumps and glides along changing the hue of blue to green you are also suddenly changed!

I gave my little niece a mood ring for her birthday this week.  Remember those? Well on a mood ring chart the color blue represents relaxed, at ease, calm, even lovable. I liked that! Blue green represents your inner emotions, and a more charged but easy state of your mind.

Oh, I loved this interpretation of the color blue from a website called supercolor.com. “The color blue represents both the sky and the sea and is associated with open spaces, freedom, intuition, imagination, inspiration, and sensitivity. Blue also represents meanings of depth, trust, loyalty, sincerity, wisdom, confidence, stability, faith, and intelligence.”

There is a cool website called Bubblewall.com. I love what they say about the aquatic hues.

“We’re naturally drawn to aquatic hues and people associate this color with qualities like calm, openness, depth and wisdom. We are beginning to learn that our brains are hardwired to react positively to water and that being near it can calm and connect us, increase innovation and insight, and even heal what’s broken.”

Ah….the science! Other than just the sound of the ocean, staring at the ocean is another thing that can actually change your brain waves’ frequency. It also puts you into that same alpha, mild meditative state as hearing a wave does.

So it’s no wonder that for thousands of years when people searched for escapes from their everyday lives, vacations or a space to heal… they have been called to spend their time on or near the water.

For me it has been a part of my life since childhood. But everywhere I go and all of the bodies of water I have experienced have affected me differently. I grew up in Chicago 4 blocks from Lake Michigan. Now Lake Michigan never seemed to me a particularly peaceful body of water. It never seemed blue to me. It was more of a grey. It actually seemed like it was so powerful that it always charged my energy. Couple it with the Chicago winds and I found myself contemplating my own power or strength every time I was near it. As a teenager I would walk along the rocks that line the lake and wonder what my life would be like. I think the vastness of it is what brought to me this feeling of mystery. The vastness of the lake and the power of the water hitting the rocks and the wind blowing, always made me contemplate what my own power was and where it came from.

They say that about the ocean, too, that it is a powerful symbol.  When I am out on the ocean on a cruise ship or on my sailboat it certainly feels like the water that surrounds me is filled with mystery. When you think of all of the life that lives below the water that we can’t see you can’t help but feel a part of something so much bigger than ourselves. So much bigger than everything we know. You can see that the endless feeling of the sea is captivating. I love the metaphor that what lies below the water has so much beauty, life, power and sometimes darkness just like our own lives. There is so much that lies deep inside our psyche and our souls. So much mystery. So much beauty. Our journey is to find it.

There is something undeniable about the ocean. It is something that we humans can’t control. It opens us to reflection of our lives and our place on the planet. It offers us peace or shakes us for growth. If we allow ourselves to walk along the sandy beaches it is there for us in our moment of need for whatever our spirit craves.

Another body of water that touches me deeply and in a totally different way is a stream or a gently flowing river. Have you ever hiked on a trail and all of a sudden you hear the sounds of a stream? There are all of these great words that describe it… ripples, trickles, babbles. All of a sudden you are called to it! It is almost like there is something familiar about it. Like you know it intimately and now you must stand by its banks and watch it flow. You are called to wonder at its beauty.

I could watch a river flow for days! The way it makes its way around a rock or a piece of wood floating along with it.  I love the analogy… that a flowing river feels no lack. If you dig a whole on the river bank the flowing river will fill it up. I say that all of the time when people talk to me about lack. I say if a river finds a spot along its path that is empty it fills it. If you feel something that is lacking in your life. Know that you are a river. If you believe in your power, you too will fill the void and it will be magnificent.

After my beloved Soul Dog Ransom passed away I found myself with a broken heart for months. I wasn’t even aware that was why I had this deep heaviness in me. It was just there. A heavy heart as they say. Ten months after he passed I went on a yoga retreat to Esalen in Big Sur. It is situated on the most magnificent property. On one side you are on a cliff looking out over the pacific ocean. And inland there are paths and flowers and a beauty that leaves me speechless. On one of those paths is a most beautiful river. I went to Esalen with the full intention of doing yoga with like minded souls for three days. And just as a retreat like this is supposed to do, and the magic of Esalen brings…my tears and my sadness finally came to light. I never made it to the rest of the yoga classes. I spent this time reflecting on the vast ocean. Reflecting on life and loss. I could feel my dog by my side as I walked the trails by myself. And then I knew what I needed to do. I needed to say goodbye to him again. I needed to do a ritual to have the closure I never had after he passed so quickly.

So I searched and searched the grounds to see where I would do it. The ocean seemed logical. But then again it seemed too huge, too far away. Too powerful.  It was when I came upon the most beautiful flowing river that I knew this was it.  It was stronger than a stream, but not rushing or chaotic feeling.  It was peace.  And so I made my way out onto this beautiful rock that sat in the middle of the river. And I built a tiny memorial of stones to sit on top of it. And then I cried. And I cried some more. And more! Until the sounds of the river babbling and the beauty of the water making its way around rocks and tree trunks and my sitting rock finally brought me peace. And then I smiled! And I picked up the top stone from the little memorial and with so much love I tossed it into the river and imagined it floating away. I said good bye to my precious soul dog knowing we will meet again.

For me being near water is my sanity. When we are not on our sailboat or walking the sandy Santa Barbara beaches, or in the middle of the ocean on a cruise ship my PLACE is my bathtub! And even there I am listening to the calm app with rainwater trickling over the meditation. Water water and more water. When I told my husband I wanted to speak about water he reached into his vast collection of thought provoking books and brought me out this wonderful book called “Blue Mind”. It is written by Wallace Nichols with a foreword by Jacque Cousteau’s granddaughter Celine Cousteau. The cover says “BLUE MIND, The surprising science that shows how being near, in, on or under water can make you happier, healthier, more connected and better at what you do.”

Seriously, who wouldn’t want that?

My bathroom is filled with mermaids. Sometimes I feel like I am one stranded here on land. So I leave you with one of my favorite quotes by Anais Nin. These words truly represent my own journey to awareness.

“I must be a mermaid. I have no fear of depths and a great fear of shallow living.”!!!!

To all my wonderful listeners. May you find yourself by a body of water contemplating life, love and your own happiness.  May you honor your dreams, but most of all may you drink lots of WATER!  I am excited to let you know that I will be bringing a small group of women out on the ocean on a beautiful cruise ship on Valentine’s weekend 2022 with another amazing Therapist and Coach, Molly Lyda. We will celebrate life, self love and the healing power of the sea. If you would like to join us, swim on over to workingonme.com and take a look under events for more information.

In the meantime, Thank you for letting me into your lives this week and I look forward to popping back in again next time.

LEARN MORE ABOUT THE CONTENT DISCUSSED:

• A Journey to Awareness Podcast: https://www.workingonme.com/podcast
Shauna’s website: https://www.workingonme.com

WHEN DOES IT AIR:
OCTOBER 20, 2021

65 A Writer’s Seafaring Journey To Awareness

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Hello and Welcome back to a Journey To Awareness, I’m your host Shauna Hoffman.

There are journeys in travel and travel journeys of the soul. And sometimes they coincide. I just got off a cruise with the most lovely group of writers on the Writing Excuses 2021 Retreat. They were mostly SciFi fantasy writers who were there to expand their knowledge, kick start their writing again and meet other like-minded souls.

As I watched them board the ship 8 days ago I could see in their eyes excitement, and nervousness, definite confusion, and mostly this hunger… this hope. I could actually feel the hope more than I could see it. They were there to learn and be inspired by a few of the most egoless instructors I have known. The instructors were established and well-known authors and one was an editor/agent extraordinaire. What the students didn’t know is that their instructors were each on a journey of their own. You see wherever we are and whatever we do we are each on some sort of journey to expand our consciousness, heal our souls and connect with other humans. Maybe it’s one human, or maybe it’s a beautiful classroom filled with a vibrating energy emanating from all these other humans that have chosen to accompany you through the next days of personal growth. And maybe more than personal growth…. maybe even some soul searching enlightenment!

I also saw something that I know to be true. Sometimes with the disconnecting from the people who are normally in our day-to-day lives that makes the space for us to reach out to someone new. A void that allows us to fill it with the unknown.

For many of the students, it was truly an expansion of their comfort zone. They weren’t traveling with anyone they actually knew. Solo travelers on a joint quest to unlock their most hidden talents and dreams… writing. It took an even stronger will and commitment for these writers to show up on a trip where they didn’t have a friend or family member to lean on. For these individuals, their journey to self started the minute they made the decision to come on this trip alone/solo. It was their belief that their dreams deserved to be honored that empowered them to book this event.

This particular trip was quite the adventure for all of us. It was the first travel for many of the group since BC- before Covid. The ship had protocols in place to make everyone stay safe. Our entire group was vaccinated and Covid tested before we could board. Actually, the whole ship was except the children aboard. There wasn’t a question that it took time to shed the fear to stand next to someone, or talk to them without a mask on, to sit in a classroom and just breathe. As the days progressed the obvious care that the ship took to keep everyone safe caused this beautiful thing I call a peeling of the onion. I watched everyone slowly find comfort in their surroundings. I watched them start to enjoy the ship. And with that came the connections to each other. I watched the nerves fade away and the creativity start bursting out from all of them. I watched the seasoned travelers who had taken previous Writing Excuses cruises gently lead their fellow newbies to find comfort in everything from the classes to the ship. They too did it with no egos, just a desire to be there for their fellow writers.

I believe this all could happen because the Group Leaders, the Instructors had given them a safe haven to ask questions, not be perfect, expand their capabilities with no judgment, and more importantly they welcomed them with the most genuine warm smiles every time they met. I witnessed how the instructors left their egos aside to share the wisdom and the passion they had for and about writing. And the beauty was they made it clear that just because they are saying something doesn’t mean it’s necessarily true. I watched as the instructor’s own perceptions about writing grew from their interactions with the students. There is something freeing that comes from remembering that even those teachers around us that we think are bigger or better or more accomplished than we are, are also on their own journey. And it may be that today you teach them something about themselves.

On this cruise, the Writing Excuses Instructors, Dan Wells, Mary Robinette Kowal, Erin Roberts, and DongWong Song made space for each student’s own creativity to be sparked. And they let them all know that they too, were once newbies. And even though this group was made up of students… they were more than that…they were WRITERS!

It’s funny when you are given permission from others to be exactly where you are in life. Permission to not judge yourself but still open your consciousness for growth. In a perfect world, we should all be like this every day without permission from someone else. But we fight these voices in our heads. The ones that tell us we are not good enough. The ones that compare ourselves to others. The ones that squash our own dreams because that critical voice in our heads is louder than the nurturing one. When I talk in my other podcast episodes about being in the present this is exactly where present-based thinking helps most. It is acknowledging where I am today and that it took a helluva lot of living to get here. And I am grateful for every lesson that taught me along the way. And I love myself for surviving them. And today I am grateful for just being here. And today with gratitude and honoring my self I will learn the lessons that today brings me with no judgment. I will embrace today exactly how I woke up! You know that morning innocence where we open our eyes and see the morning light and then remember that it’s a new day.

We are all struggling with that even more in these Covid times. Because there is a weird feeling of Groundhog day. So it is even more important for us to wake up and see that the light is different outside today and my body feels different today and the opportunities I give myself today can be…if I let it… totally different than yesterday!

In one of the discussions, I heard a few of the writers say that they had loved the beginning of lockdown because they had written so much. Then as time went by they just stopped. They didn’t know why. It wasn’t writer’s block it was a lack of motivation. And the choice to come on this cruise was their first step to giving themselves a space to jumpstart their writing again. Well, we all can’t jump on a cruise ship with other like-minded souls and incredibly positive inspiring teachers. But we can make a space for ourselves to quiet our judgemental minds, breathe deeply, listen to our hearts and just start. Start whatever it is that is stirring inside you waiting to be born. And for some who have already started quote-unquote “IT” then it just means to start TODAY. Just start today with the passion and the compassion for yourself to touch that part of you, whether tiny or huge, that is calling out to you.

The journey to self-awareness, as I always say, starts with going inward. Listening to yourself…becoming self-aware. So if the only thing you START with today is your own moments of self-awareness then you are on the most magnificent journey! It may be to something creative or it may be to a moment of self-care that you need. It may be to reach out to someone to talk to or hold hands with or cry with. But it starts with that moment you wake up and realize that it is a new day. If you choose to… you can make today different than yesterday. Today you can write your own story.

After 8 nights the cruise came to an end. The faces that I had seen who were nervous or scared, some of them timid or quiet had changed. I saw smiles! I saw that they felt safe now in the presence of so many like-minded, generous and kind souls. I saw them open up. And I saw them writing! They wrote everywhere on the ship that they could. They had given their dreams life again. Most importantly they had given their strength and hope and creativity more power than their fears. Let me say that again…. they had given their strength and hope and creativity more power than their fears. They were not just inspired. They were home. Not a physical home, after all, they were on a cruise ship. But a most beautiful, peaceful home… within their souls.

Now as I reflect on my own journey on this journey it’s a little different. After over 200 cruises, the cruise for me IS a second home. I figured that I have spent over 3 years of my life aboard a ship. So for me, this trip was a way of coming home after 18 months of lockdown. A way for me to nourish my own soul out on the sea as I watch for sealife jumping or the moon glistening over the ocean. It was my opportunity to invite others to be my guest in my second home and experience all that I love about being out to sea. My way to make sure that they are nourished and feel safe. My way of honoring something that I love so much and sharing it with so many people willing to take that leap of faith and sail with me. And the outcome for me? My own jumpstart to creativity as I record another podcast to share with all of you.

You see just like Dorothy says in the Wizard of Oz…there’s no place like home.

My hope for all of my listeners is that today you just make it today. That you check-in and listen to your mind, body, and soul and you honor all that you hear it say. My hope is that you surround yourself with loving beings who believe in you and your dreams. May you eat nourishing foods and drink lots of water! May you rest if you need to or dance if your soul is dancing! May you be gentle and kind to others, but most importantly to yourself.

Thank you for letting me into your lives this episode and I look forward to popping back in again next time.

LEARN MORE ABOUT THE CONTENT DISCUSSED:

• A Journey to Awareness Podcast: https://www.workingonme.com/podcast
Shauna’s website: https://www.workingonme.com

WHEN DOES IT AIR :
OCTOBER 09, 2021

64 I Saw the Child in My Mom Traveling the Streets of Budapest

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Hello and welcome, I’m Shauna Hoffman.

Today I am sharing my journey back to Hungary with my mom and the joys and the lessons I learned. My mom was born in Miskolc Hungary, a large city outside of Budapest. She lived there until the Nazis killed her mom, dad, and baby sisters and took her to Auschwitz during World War Two. She was 13 years old. I have so many lessons that I have learned from my mom, a woman that survived that kind of horror. But one of the most important ones I have learned from her is hope. My mom lived with what she called rose-colored glasses. And she always said, she “put them on”. So let’s all don our rose-colored glasses and head off to Budapest! I will take you along on the journey where my mom saw Hungary again for the first time since the war.

Our traveling companions were our friends Doc Liza and her beautiful partner Connie. You may remember Doc Liza from my podcast on traveling to Machu Picchu! Let’s just say that I could not have done this trip without them. My brothers weren’t able to come and I sure needed some help with my senior mom! Besides the fact that they are the best traveling playmates ever! 

Without a doubt, I can say that some of our biggest lessons come when we travel with other people. What would you like to do today? No, you? Are you up yet? We need to get going! Eh…I’m sleeping in. Wait what?  And on and on and on!  Thank the traveling Gods Connie and Liza travel as we do! I am a believer in let’s see what happens next. Plans change! We can figure out just about anything when we let go of expectations and choose fun over stress!  Thankfully the four of us got along great. And they were saints helping take care of my mom.

So why am I sharing this trip with you today? Why was it such an important part of my own journey to self-awareness? Because this trip taught me… that inside our parents, no matter what age they are, there is still a child that is begging to be touched. And if we are lucky enough… we’ll be able to see it. Often it’s a side of them that they have not seen or experienced or touched in years. For some, it is a child spirit that was wounded. For others, it’s a child spirit filled with a light that we haven’t ever seen in our parents because of the responsibility they carried raising us.

My mom always had that light happy spirit even in her darkest hours. It was hard to believe that she lost everyone in her life and lived the horrors of concentration camp.

It was on this trip to Hungary when I saw my mom’s child truly show up! She hadn’t been back to Hungary since she was a young 13-year-old girl. This trip was magical! It was as if time stood still and she was seeing Hungary now through those same 13-year-old eyes. The first time she walked down the streets of Budapest she stopped to read every Hungarian sign she could see! It had been over 60 years since her native language was on display on every corner of every street! It was so cute and hysterical to hear her translate storefront names, and street signs, and restaurant menus! The little girl in her jumped out and she felt at home for the first time since the war. It then occurred to me that I never understood how much the English language is such a part of my own identity.

Now, Where my momfinally felt at home walking these streets, I felt like a visitor seeing this country through her eyes. Though I had always been proud to call myself Hungarian American I really didn’t know my heritage at all! Ok, other than Chicken paprikash and all of the amazing food my mom would cook!

On the first day, we toured all of Budapest where much of her family had lived. She was like a child in a candy shop remembering the times she was there with her family. But it was the next moment that I will never forget. We were in Hero’s Square and there was a quartet playing classic Hungarian music.  My mom ran over to them! Next thing I know she was singing every word along with them! The joy on her face was like light beams shining from the sun! She said she hadn’t heard that song since she was young! Watching her at that moment I saw the child in my mom’s heart. She was transported back to the days when her mom and dad and baby sisters were all alive and they would sing that song together. The days when there was peace in Hungary. The days before the war.

Over the years I had taken on a different role with my aging mom.  The caretaker role. The one, along with my brothers, making sure she was safe and healthy. It is a reverse role that we all take on as our parents age. But this experience in Budapest was different. She wasn’t the mom who needed my help to be safe. Though we did have to make sure as she scurried through the streets with excitement that she didn’t fall! But, she was the girl who she had been before the Nazis infiltrated Hungary. It was a joy I had never seen in my mom before. It was something so personal to her I almost felt like a voyeur watching her experience those moments again. A step back in time. A step back before her world fell apart.

We talk often in the therapy world about how children become parentified. How they are put in situations when they are young to act like the parent and no longer the child in the family. This happens with alcoholic families and abusive families. It happens when a couple gets divorced and a child takes on a caretaking role in the family. It happens when one parent passes away. For my mom the moment her own mom and sisters were dragged away and she was left alone, she became her own parent. She had no choice at 13 to do anything but grow up. But in Heroes Square the child was alive again!

There was another moment I saw parts of my mom I had never seen before. But this one tore at my heart. We went to the Holocaust Memorial Center in Budapest. It’s in a renovated synagogue from the 1920s that serves as a memorial and museum honoring the Hungarian Jews, Gays, and handicapped that were murdered during the war. Though I have heard stories, seen movies, and read everything about the Holocaust, experiencing any of the Holocaust museums takes you through a world that is hard to comprehend. This day broke my heart. It was one I was not expecting to witness. It was the first time I saw the devastation of the loss of her family in her eyes.

We were walking among these huge pictures that were hung in the aisles of the museum. All of a sudden I saw my mom start running from one photo to the next searching in the faces of the men that were being pictured. The Hungarian men who had been taken by the Nazis. She was desperately searching for her father in the images. It was like this little lost child searching for her parent. It was too much for me to bear. I had to leave. I couldn’t see my mom that hurt. She had hidden it for so long. But there it was.  Truly the little girl lost. Thank heavens for Connie and Liza.  They stayed with her through her search. A search that gave her no more answers to what had happened to her dad after the Nazis took him.

Here I was, my mom’s little girl who could not witness the pain of the little girl in my mom. It is a memory I will hold forever.

I think what I want to share with all of my podcast family is that deep in the hearts of our own parents are wounds and joys and lessons we may never understand. Perhaps if we can find compassion with them, we will be lucky enough to see those childlike moments they are willing to share. I was lucky enough to see them with my mom on this trip. I think if we hadn’t gone to Hungary, I would never have seen them. I was given a glimpse into the soul of the woman who I called my mother.

The rest of the trip was wonderful and filled with so many joyous moments for my mom! We all ate the best Hungarian foods! We traveled to Tokaji and savored the very special sweet wines of the region!  We went back to the village where her Grandpa lived and where her Uncle, Adolf Zukor, who founded Paramount Pictures lived. The Mayor welcomed her with open arms and she felt at home there!

The little girl in her smiled at every turn. But it was the beautiful older Hungarian woman, my mom, who finally found peace. It was a trip to her homeland that brought both sides of her together finally… after all these years. The little girl that was left behind and the beautiful woman that she finally became.

I hope that this journey sparked something in your own consciousness to think about. Whether it is being able to see your parents in a new way, or whether it is a reminder to yourself to always be in touch with that beautiful child within you.

Here is a quote from Mary Ritter Beard that put into words perfectly my experience on this trip.

Certainly, travel is more than the seeing of sights; it is a change that goes on, deep and permanent, in the ideas of living.

To my listeners, May you always be in touch with your own inner child! May you strive to see the child that your parents once were and see if you can heal from their lessons. That’s a heavy ask. Let me repeat it. May you strive to see the child that your parents once were and see if you can heal from their lessons. May you travel and seek a truth that you can only find when you start on your own journey to self-awareness!

To my podcast family, thank you for letting me into your lives this week and I look forward to popping back in again next time!

LEARN MORE ABOUT THE CONTENT DISCUSSED:

• A Journey to Awareness Podcast: https://www.workingonme.com/podcast
• Shauna’s website: https://www.workingonme.com

WHEN DOES IT AIR :
JULY 31, 2021

63 A Journey to Awareness on the Streets of Havana

By

Hello and Welcome, I’m Shauna Hoffman,

Thank you for joining me again on this podcast as I share my journeys to self on my own journeys around the world! This next adventure was one that took me on a self-awareness experience that I did not know I needed.

I always thought of myself as a world traveler, lover of all things cultural and different. I never saw myself as a tourist. I always saw myself as the type of person that soaked up everything different about the culture I visited. But most importantly, I soaked up the faces and lives of the people in the places I went. The locals. I would eat off the vendor’s carts on the streets, talk to the children, look into the eyes of the elders as I learn of the love of their homeland. My world of expansion and self-awareness was always drawn to different experiences and in meeting those who live in the countries I visit.

Have you ever traveled somewhere and felt this strange feeling like you’ve been there before? This feeling like, oh. I’m home! Or just had an amazing connection to the culture or the people, or the sounds and smells? For me this place is Cuba. The cities, the tiny towns and villages, the culture, the people, and mostly the hope. It was only perfect that my first visit to Cuba was one of the best learning lessons in all of my travels. Let me share with you this article I wrote for the Huffington Post in 2017.

It was titled “How I went to Cuba and almost missed it.”

There it was. Havana. I was about to step foot on the forbidden island. The hidden gem of the Caribbean. The island of controversy and music, art, and cigars. The land of classic cars that’s the dream of every car collector in the US. The day had come. I could finally travel legally to Cuba. Having been in the cruise industry for years, I had dreamed of docking in the port of Havana. Cruise after cruise, we would sail by the island on our way to the typical tourist ports of Jamaica or the Bahamas when the Captain would announce from the loudspeaker “Now on the port side is the island of Cuba.” Passengers would flock to the decks to see the only thing we were allowed to see. There on the horizon was the outline of a country caught in the past but begging to be recognized and loved by Americans.

People to People Cultural Exchange! President Obama set it into motion. US citizens were allowed to go to Cuba as long as we were engaged in meeting the Cuban people and learning of their culture. So, my husband and I jumped on the first cruise ship allowed to travel from Miami to Cuba. Fathom Adonia. We wanted to see as much as we could in the 7 days we had. Ship was the way to go. And Fathom had planned it right. In accordance with all of the regulations, Fathom had arranged tours for us that met all of the PTP requirements. We read all about it for weeks. We dreamed of what it would be like to walk the streets of Havana. We swore we would not be tourists. After all, we always travel like the locals. We eat on the streets of third-world countries and talk to the natives in our broken attempts at their languages. Cuba would be no different. But I have a confession. After the initial tears of realizing we were about to dock in Havana, I was like every tourist I was not supposed to be. As the Havanese were waving to us from the dock, my camera was locked on the old Chevys whizzing by in bright pink and turquoise, as they cruised along the Malecon. I could hear the music emanating from the dock and all I thought about was dancing in the streets of Cuba. The first-day excursion took us through art galleries and churches, memorials, and grave sights. We saw the streets of Cuba. I was overwhelmed by Old Havana. It was beautiful.

Finally, the tour ended, we jumped back on the ship, cleaned up, and were ready for our free time in Havana. Yep, we could go off on our own in this mystical city and explore.

Having made a reservation at a Paladar, a privately owned restaurant versus a Government-owned restaurant, we headed back into Old Havana. The sun was setting and the mood was romantic. The Paladar was only 4 blocks from the ship. It was exquisite. When we arrived the gentleman at the front rang a bell to let them know we were coming. As we ascended the stairs, the most beautiful music was playing. My senses were on high alert! All I could dream of was real Cuban food and a real Mojito in the real Cuba.

We were seated at a charming table near the wide-open patio doors with wrought iron railings. I felt like I was in Tuscany or Paris. It was enchanting and exciting. The waiter took our order and the anticipation grew. Lobster in a pineapple brandy sauce called out to us. And of course the mojito. I was in Cuba. It was all I had dreamed it would be. Then it happened.

After the young waiter brought us our drinks, he stopped for a moment at our table. Then as gentle as a man can speak he asked us in his broken English, “Are you from the US?” We said, “yes” not really thinking much about it. What happened next has changed me forever. He touched his heart and broke into the sweetest smile. Then he slowly said, “We are so glad you are here.”
I almost burst into tears. How had I missed it, as I walked through their city, looking into the faces of the Cuban people? How did I become the tourist that searches for Cuban cigars and takes pictures of old cars? How had I not gazed into the eyes of the Cuban people? That moment changed me. I still cry when I think about it.

Next, I scoured the room looking at everyone’s faces. I noticed that all the waiters were looking at us with the coyest smiles. The Americans were here! I would gently catch their eyes and smile back. It is not like they have not seen Americans before. But for the first time they were seeing us with hope. And for the first time, I saw them. I saw the faces of the Cuban people. I then realized the opportunity we have all been given. Not to go there and change them. But to go there and see beyond cigars and cars and into their hearts. And maybe, just maybe, they would change us.

I wrote that article for the Huff Post right after President Obama opened travel to Cuba for US citizens in what was supposed to be People To People exchanges. Well, it took me a moment to make sure that was what I was there for! A People to people experience!

A lot has changed since then. And I have changed. I talk so much about self-awareness and that it starts with becoming inner-focused versus outer-focused. It’s funny, I had been so conscious of the enormous privilege it was to step foot on this gorgeous island. And to be one of the first Americans to do so legally in over 50 years! I knew about the politics that got us there in history and the politics that was true at that moment. My heart and my soul was so passionate about finally being there. I cried as we pulled into the channel in Havana. I cried, even more, when I saw everyone waving the American flag in one hand and a Cuban flag in another.

So what happened?

How did I turn from this socially conscious world traveler into someone who was a typical tourist the minute I stepped foot on the island? I have thought a lot about this. And all I can think of is that I was caught up in the moment. The stuff! The outward experience. I was not seeing the people because I was not in touch with my genuine self. I was not looking within at my own motivations or the soul experience I wanted to have. I was outside of myself LOOKING for the things that represented Cuba to me. The things I had dreamt of. The only things I knew because I had yet to look into the eyes of the Cubans themselves.

I am not mad at myself for this. It was a perfect moment of growth for me. A Course In Miracles says there is the Ego and the Soul. I was definitely living in a moment of ego… self-gratification! “I want a Mojito and to dance to Cuban Music!” There is a book called 2150 AD where they describe two ways of being in the world One is the Macroworld which means you live your life looking at how you are part of the bigger picture… of humanity. And then there is the Microworld. You guessed it. When your thinking and life revolve around the micro or small-minded self. Well, my thinking at that moment was definitely small-minded Micro thinking!

But my world and perception changed once that beautiful Cuban Man gently welcomed my husband and me into his country.

I am so in love with the Cuban People.

I have been back many times now. The restaurant I spoke of in the article is named Los Mercaderes. I have become friends with the amazing owner Yamil. I have learned of the farm-to-table life of the Cubans. How he helps the farmers and they supply him with the most amazing foods for his delectable dishes. I have been in touch through these very difficult times. Food is now a difficult scenario in Cuba. And Covid has not helped. But the Cuban people help each other.

I went back for the 500th anniversary of Havana. It was a sight that would never take place in the US. Hundreds upon hundreds of people lining their capital building awaiting any glimpse of the festivities. And not one person pushed or shoved to get in front of anyone else. It was the calmest most cordial event I had ever been at. It was as if the Cubans were living in a Macro world and sharing this unbelievable experience with each other. No one was out for themselves. This time… I joined them in their Macro world. This time I was aware of the people, the humanity, and myself as I stood with them, not as a tourist but as an American friend.

I have made beautiful friends there. I am blessed. I am grateful for the opportunity I have had to learn from them and share in their world. And I am grateful for my own desire to look within. To acknowledge when I am not coming from my soul. And to learn how to self-correct.

This journey to awareness is a lifelong adventure. When we put ourselves in new and unknown worlds we are always challenged to redefine ourselves. If we allow it. If we allow ourselves to NOT be tourists of our own lives living in the micro-world.

Now let’s be clear! I love me a yummy mojito listening to amazing Cuban music and eating plantains on the top of a Havana rooftop! But I hope to do it again surrounded by my beautiful Cuban friends. Because there is where I have found true happiness.

Ernest Hemingway spent much of his life living in Cuba. So I thought it was perfect to leave you with a Hemingway quote. It’s one that I love to embrace when I think about travel and all that it gives us on our own journey to self-awareness.

“Live the full life of the mind, exhilarated by new ideas, intoxicated by the romance of the unusual”.

To all of my listeners, May you be surrounded by new experiences that challenge your thinking, awaken your spirit and surround you with new cultures and people to help you on your own travels to becoming amazing humans.

Thank you for letting me into your lives this week. And I look forward to popping in again next time.

 

LEARN MORE ABOUT THE CONTENT DISCUSSED…

• A Journey to Awareness Podcast: All Episodes

• Shauna’s website: https://www.workingonme.com

WHEN DOES IT AIR… 
JULY 10, 2021

Privacy Policy/Disclosure

Shauna Hoffman is a Marriage Family Therapist and Speaker in private Practice in Santa Clarita, CA. She gives workshops and seminars in Newhall, Valencia and all of Southern CA.

FOR APPOINTMENTS

Appointments may be made by calling (661) 714-5137 or emailing Shauna@workingonme.com