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Couples Fighting 101!

August 28, 2013 By Shauna Leave a Comment

Are your fights getting out of hand? Try this…Couples Communication Rule One- The Art Of Listening! Most people enter into an argument with their own agenda. “I want you to hear my side, agree with me, and admit you are wrong.” Often what accompanies that is a world of bullying, yelling and replays of the past. So, the first thing I teach my clients is to listen to their mate, then acknowledge they hear what was said. “What, Shauna? Acknowledge them? No way! That would give them the advantage in the fight! I can’t do that!” You can and you should! The true goal of couple’s fighting is to work out an issue or fix the problem. Whether you are fighting over money, how to raise the kids, someone hurting someone else’s feelings, it doesn’t matter. You both have a right to speak your side and be heard.

Listening is not an easy thing to do. It takes a level of willingness to step back, breath and hear what the other person is saying. But if you truly love this person and want the relationship to grow, then you can use that as your incentive to let the ego go and LISTEN. Listening does not mean that you agree with them. Listening means that you respect your mate enough to at least hear what they have to say. After all, don’t you want the same respect?

When we let down our defense mechanisms long enough to practice this fine art of arguing, then we tend to stay in the moment, not bringing up the past. We keep our anger under control and focus more clearly on what is being discussed. Listening is not giving in. Listening is the ability to keep your ego in check and fight fair. In the end the scars from the fight are much less, the healing quicker and the answers more of a reflection of what is right for the health of the marriage. RULE #1 LISTEN!

Who am I really angry at?

August 28, 2013 By Shauna

Why am I upset…really? Who am I really angry at? As I came to write this newest blog I decided to reflect back on a lesson in A Course In Miracles that I often share with my clients. “I am never upset for the reason that I think”. So often I have a client that presents that they are really upset with a friend, or a lover over something that they have done recently. But when I question them deeper I find that it is a much deeper sadness that is affecting them. And it is this underlying sadness or hurt from the past that is raising its ugly head and causing them to feel angry in the present. It may not even be connected to the person that they are angry at now. It could be that the recent situation triggers for them the memories of the way an ex used to treat them, or a parent. Whatever it is, it all boils down to the fact that they are not angry for the reasons that they think.

So how do we know what we are really angry at? First you need to check the level of your anger to see if it is truly appropriate for the transgression by the other person. If you can do this and be self aware enough to make a clear judgment that it is an over reaction, then you can take this next step. Now replace the word “anger” with another word. “Hurt”, or “Disappointed” or “Frustrated” or “Wounded”. Anger is an emotional REACTION, a defense mechanism to protect us from deeper hurt, or future hurt. But it is a very broad word that really covers so many deeper emotions. If you can get under the anger to feel the emotion, then you can see where it may be stemming from. We need to calm down the fire to see what caused it. Then I offer you to ask yourself this question….”Is there anything else that this situation reminds me of that may really be present here? IS there someone ELSE that treats me like this that has hurt me in the past? It could certainly be that the person you are angry at IS the person you are angry at! But it could also be because you have never brought up to them a past transgression. I say it is like a coke bottle that gets shaken up. The more you hold in your feelings towards someone, the more they build up. Then eventually something happens and you take off that bottle cap and it blows!

Now let me share with you a tough pill to swallow! Sometimes when you are angry in a situation the person you are angry at is YOURSELF! Sometimes we deflect onto the other person the fact that we are embarrassed about our behavior. Or that we really know we were in the wrong and don’t want to accept it, or fess up to it. Sometimes, just like in the above scenarios, it reminds us of another time we acted the same way and THAT is what we are angry at. So there is a huge healing that can take place if you can also ask yourself, “Is there any part of this situation that I am angry at myself over? Did I do something here to hurt someone else? Do I need to learn something here about myself that I do not want to look at?

Anger is a valid reaction to being hurt. But if we do not deal with the reality of a situation and just sit in anger then we can never move forward or heal. So I offer you now, the next time you are angry, to ask yourself, “Is this what I am REALLY angry at? Is the depth of my anger appropriate for the situation? Am I really angry at this person or someone else? If not, ask yourself why! Then try and peel away the layers and see what you are really feeling. Journal, talk to yourself…do what you need to do to get to the root of your feelings. Then you can take the steps in any situation to move past the anger and heal the true hurt. Or in some instances…just let it go!

I Am My Own Valentine!

February 9, 2013 By Shauna Leave a Comment

I LOVE MYSELF!! WILL I BE MY VALENTINE?

What is Self Love!

So often we hear the phrase, “If you don’t love yourself you cannot love another”. What the heck does that mean? What it means is that if you do not love yourself enough to honor your SELF, then you will be in most relationships to fill a void within you. And yes, you can have a level of love for that person. But it will never be a healthy love. It will be a needy love, a disproportionate love, a lonesome love, or a one sided love. When we work on SELF ESTEEM, then we find a way to see the value in our self. Once you see VALUE in your self than you never let another damage that, or steal from that fabulous WELL of SELF.

There are many reasons that we lose track of SELF LOVE! Possibly we were never taught how wonderful we are as a child. Or possibly a loss or a tragedy made us question our own worth, which in turn stole from the WELL. Often abuse, either physical or verbal emptied the well of Self Love. But here and now I say to you, whatever emptied it, or never caused it to be filled…you can fill it now! YOU CAN FILL OR REFILL your own heart. You can add the words I LOVE MYSELF to your identity. You can filter out the people that steal from your well. And YOU can decide that self-love is not selfish! By doing so, you will open the giant door to all of the ways to learn to love your self. But you must decide WANT to love yourself first.

So here are a few exercises for this month of February. Valentines Month!

THE SELF LOVEFEST CHALLENGE!
TRY TO DO THIS ENTIRE LIST BY THE END OF THE MONTH!

*Write YOURSELF a love letter and tell YOU how fabulous you are.

*Make a Self Love Inventory. List everything that makes you an amazing and lovable person.

*Sing Love Songs to yourself and about yourself.

*Surround yourself with loving people that love you as much as you love them.

*Buy a gift for YOU.

*Do another love inventory! The WHAT I WANT TO CHANGE ABOUT MYSELF TO LOVE ME MORE list.

*Remember that Valentines Day is only about love. What better place to start than with your SELF!

Changing Families at the Holidays

November 8, 2012 By Shauna Leave a Comment

With the Holidays only weeks away I am beginning to hear the affects of changing families. The usual ol’ fears of how to deal with Crazy Aunt Sarah at Thanksgiving dinner have changed to “Will I see my kids this year?” Now that I am single, where do I go?” Whether the change comes from kids growing up, new babies being born, new in-laws in the mix, divorce, break-ups, loss of a beloved, or just plain I NEED a change, change is inevitable. Herein lies the peace! Change is inevitable. We can either let it bring us down, or we can embrace it and recreate our lives around it.

The first thing we need to do is allow old rituals to have a new face. The holidays are usually tied up around rituals that our families have created over many many years. From the exact time of the holiday meal to what is on the table, we find comfort in keeping them intact. But when change has happened in a family dynamic our psyche can’t handle having these rituals without all of the players there or when new players enter the picture. So what do we do? We change the ritual! Instead of a potluck dinner at 3, how about a giant brunch, or a beautiful candle-lit sit down dinner? Or how about eating out at a magnificent restaurant? If you go into the holiday knowing that you WANT to make new rituals then there is a whole new level of excitement to planning for the holidays. You can either feel the sadness of what was, or you can feel the passion of what can be.

But what if you are alone this Holiday season? It is true that this can be a time when people feel the loneliness of not having family near. Many people decide to hide away and pretend that here are no holidays. My experience is that THAT WILL BACK FIRE! If you hide away you are only re-enforcing that you are alone. DON’T! Sitting around and feeling sorry for yourself won’t make you feel better! Reach out to neighbors and friends and ask if you can join them. Get past the feeling that you are pushing yourself on them. Usually they have not even considered you may want to be there. And when they find out that you DO, they welcome you with open arms. Or get out and volunteer somewhere! There are so many places that need help at the holidays! When you see that your presence makes a difference in someone’s life it is all worthwhile! So your choice is to reach out, or hide away. I say to reach out and start new rituals in your life!

Now for those of you who have no changes in your family, I offer you to STILL shake up your rituals! Imagine the joy on your family’s face when you throw in a new, wild and fun aspect to the day! Go online and look up new ways to entertain your guests! Go for a laid back dinner with paper plates instead of the typical formal affair. I have friends that add a theme to the event and make everyone get involved! From movie themes to song titles they shake up their holidays every year. Last Christmas was Beatle’s songs and someone brought their version of Jello Submarine! If you have new guests at your table this year, ask them to share one of their rituals with everyone! With a Brit as a new member of our family we have added new foods and new British rituals to our Christmas Day! Include new members by letting them share a piece of their history with you!

These Holidays will be all that YOU MAKE THEM! Change is everywhere, and change can be fun. If you let yourself CHANGE your PERCEPTION who knows what your life will bring!

Reflections on Today

October 8, 2012 By Shauna Leave a Comment

In our lives we are handed many joys and challenges, hardships and happiness. Often we rush through our life without the growth that comes with reflecting on how these occurrences have impacted our life, or how they could impact our life! That is right, could impact our life! Think about it. Look back on something that happened to you this summer that brought you joy. Reflect on it. That means see the reflection of it on YOU. How has it changed you? What was your piece in making it happen? What can you do to bring joy like that back in your life more and more often? When we experience life and merely move on without the growth that is offered us, we miss out on a world of SELF AWARENESS. What an amazing things it is to look back on a joy and see your piece in the process. What an amazing thing it is to realize that you may be able to make it happen again!

Now let s look at a challenge that you have experienced. Do not merely look at the pain, or sadness involved in the incident. Reflect on how it has impacted your life and how it can impact your life! This is much harder to do, but oh so important to do. The idea in reflection is not to relive our sadness. The idea in reflection is to grow from every experience. So ask yourself what was your piece in the event? How has it changed you FOR THE BETTER? What have you learned that makes you stronger, or clearer in your life’s intention? Do not wallow in the sadness, or hurt. Use the past to gain SELF AWARENESS in how it can change your future. Even the deepest losses can have a positive impact on our life if we let it. It is often in these moments that we experience a new awareness of our heart, soul and path in life.

Reflect, live, love and learn. Enjoy the Journey!!

Shauna

*Remember that Valentines Day is only about love. What better place to start than with your SELF!

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