Working On Me

A Journey to Self Awareness with Shauna Hoffman

Magical Mornings

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Today’s episode is to awaken your awareness of the world all around you, the world you are a part of. How do we do that? It’s all about crafting a magical, wonderful morning. Not just “I hit snooze five times and rolled out the door with mismatched socks” kind of morning – but the kind that makes you feel like a warm cup of joy with whipped cream and just a little sparkle of wonder on top.

Wonder of everything around you. Wonder of your life.

SHOWNOTES

Hello, beautiful humans! Welcome to A Journey to Awareness, I am Shauna Hoffman.

Whether you’re still snuggled under the covers or already sipping your favorite morning brew, or you’re listening to this in the afternoon or evening! I thought I would share my new morning rituals and see if you are ready to change up your life with your own morning splendidness that will ground you, wake up your senses and maybe even sprinkle a little magic on the rest of your day – one gentle laugh, one deep breath, one intentional thought at a time. This podcast is called a Journey to Awareness. So, today’s episode is to awaken your awareness of the world all around you, the world you are a part of.

How do we do that? It’s all about crafting a magical, wonderful morning. Not just “I hit snooze five times and rolled out the door with mismatched socks” kind of morning – but the kind that makes you feel like a warm cup of joy with whipped cream and just a little sparkle of wonder on top. Wonder of everything around you. Wonder of your life.

I started a new ritual a few weeks ago that has changed my day, my moods and my life. I decided that I would not wake up and look at my phone right away. As a matter of fact, I would put it away till after I enjoyed my new morning sunshine. OK, that wasn’t easy as that phone calls my name the minute, I open my eyes. But I decided to try something new. something out of the box for me. My own magic.

I decided I wanted to take my coffee outside and say good morning to the world! No matter how cold it was! I was going outside to start my day. I layer myself in clothes, beanie on my head, scarf around my neck and take my coffee and cookie outside to my patio to be greeted by everything I see and then greet it all back! Oh, if my neighbors could hear me, they would think I am crazy.

Good morning neighborhood. Good morning plants behind me. Good morning mountains, good morning bamboo. Good morning sliver of white moon still up in the sky. Good morning palm trees on the other side of the fence. Good morning magnificent date tree. Good morning magical mystery plant that we don’t know what you are. Good morning giant majestic towering tree in the distance. Good morning lovey doveys, (the two doves that visit me every morning.)

Next, I look at the Aloha sign we have on our fence and say to the world… “Aloha!”

Then I close my eyes, and I thank Gaia, Mother earth. All of a sudden, I feel a part of it. I don’t feel like I am this human on a mission to just be my lone human with human purposes all day. I feel like part of the world around me and I feel connected. Connected to something I didn’t even know I needed.

So today as I was staring at the sky, I said to myself, I want to share this with all of you! I love this line from the Rascals.

“It’s a beautiful morning… I think I’ll go outside for a while and just smile.”

Let’s play with a few ideas that might help you fall in love with mornings.

First, Morning Magic could Start the Night Before.
Okay, I know this is a bit of a cheat. But let’s be real – future you loves it when present you lays out your clothes, sets the coffee, or puts your journal by the bed. A little prep the night before is like giving your morning-self a warm hug. And who doesn’t like a good pre-wake up hug?

There is nothing that makes me smile more and makes it easier to get out of bed than knowing I already have my coffee ready to just turn on, brew and enjoy!

And can you Wake Up to Something Lovely?
Really, You don’t have to wake up to your phone blaring a techno remix of anxiety. Try waking up to a favorite song, or even better – a light that mimics a sunrise. Your body goes, “Ah yes. I am a plant. Thank you.”

Bonus points if the first thing you see is something that makes you smile. A picture, a quote, your dog’s face. Maybe your own sleepy face. It’s a good face! If you have a phone addiction and it’s right next to your pillow and you really have to look at it, then turn on the camera and look at your own face! Or have an app like the I AM affirmation app on it and soak up morning affirmations and nothing else! No news! No emails! Don’t start texting people or reading texts. I want you to ask yourself, is it really possible for you to honor yourself for maybe a half hour every morning to create wonder for yourself the rest of the day?

Or try this!
Before you scroll, before you open the floodgates of everyone else’s lives… jot down three things, or ask yourself these three things while your head is still on your pillow…

  • What is one thing I’m grateful for this morning?
  • What is one thing I’m looking forward to today?
  • I love this one… What is One thing I want to feel today?

It takes less than a minute, and suddenly you’re not just reacting to your day – you’re co-creating it. Like a life artist.

“Write it on your heart that every day is the best day in the year.” — Ralph Waldo Emerson

Oooh, This could be fun…Romanticize Your Coffee/Tea/Toast Routine.

This is your own rom-com moment. Make your coffee or tea like it’s a love letter. Add cinnamon. Froth the milk. What if you could stare wistfully out the window for at least 6 seconds?  Or like me, take your coffee outside onto your patio, or sunroom, or room with a giant window, or your roof! Someplace that connects you to nature. The way you do small things tells your brain, “Hey, we matter. This day matters.”

I personally start my day with Life Is Good Mugs! Nothing like drinking out of your favorite cup! I have 7 different Life Is Good mugs that I rotate out. Each is for a different day. My yoga one is for Sundays and meditation. My hanging in a lounge chair mug is for my Saturdays when my work week is over. My dog mug is for my dog rescue days. My sunshine one, or ladybug one, or daisy one is for all those days I am ready to embrace or maybe need some extra joy in my morning!

Oooh, I love this idea. Move Like You Love Yourself!
Stretch. Wiggle. Dance to one 90s song. I’m not saying you need to do a full cardio routine at 6 am, unless that’s your jam. But even five minutes of gentle movement can whisper to your nervous system: “All is well, gorgeous.” A little yoga! Go outside! Reach up to the sky and sun, stretch and salute the day.

Now I know – sometimes in our lives, it’s not so easy. When you’re walking through grief, anxiety, illness, burnout, or just the quiet weight of everything, the idea of a “magical morning” might feel… out of reach. And that’s okay. This isn’t about pretending things are perfect – it’s about creating small moments of care in the middle of the mess.

Let me repeat that.  This isn’t about pretending things are perfect – it’s about creating small moments of care in the middle of the mess.

A gentle stretch, a warm mug, a sticky note with a kind word – these tiny rituals won’t erase the hard stuff, but they do help soften it. They give your nervous system something steady. They remind your heart that it’s still allowed to hope. And sometimes, that’s all it takes to begin again.

“When you arise in the morning, think of what a privilege it is to be alive, to think, to enjoy, to love.”  — Marcus Aurelius

Whether you are going through struggles or not at this time in your life, what if you had a Dash of Whimsy all around you? Something to jumpstart a tiny smile or a huge one?

  • Fairy lights in the kitchen? Yes.
  • A shower playlist to greet your day?”  I mean, why not?
  • A note on the bathroom mirror that says “You’re doing amaaaaazing.” Hell yes.
  • An aloha sign! A hummingbird bird feeder outside your window. A dream catcher.
    Sometimes the tiniest things are the sparkliest.
  • Say hello to it all!

Now let’s think about this for a moment. The truth is, “magical” doesn’t mean perfect. A magical morning can still include spilled milk, mismatched socks, or forgetting what day it is. But it’s magical because you showed up. With curiosity. With heart. With the intention to treat yourself gently. That’s where the magic lives.

Doing these small things in the morning doesn’t just make your morning better, it shifts your whole day. You’re calmer in traffic. You smile at strangers. You answer that email with a little more grace. You’re not pouring from an empty cup – you’ve already filled it a little. And people feel that. You feel that.

Suddenly your productivity doesn’t come from pressure, it comes from peace.
Your mood? Brighter.
Your posture? Taller.
Your relationships? A little warmer.
And your smile? Oh, it sticks around longer.

That one magical morning moment can be the domino that topples the whole day into goodness.

My granddaughter said to us at 3 years old, “It’s going to be a great day today, Gigi!” Out of the mouths of babes. So now my husband and I turn to each other when we wake up and say, “It’s going to be a great day today!”

Buddha says,
“Each morning we are born again. What we do today is what matters most.” — Buddha

Oh, beautiful listeners, I hope you got a lot to think about from this podcast. And if you know anyone who would benefit from hearing it please share.

I hope that you take loving care of yourself. Wake up gently! See the beauty all around you. Connect with Gaia, mother nature.

I hope you see the beauty in yourself both inside and out. I hope you drink lots of water, eat nourishing foods, have lots of fun and surround yourself with loving beings.

Thank you for letting me in your life this week and I look forward to popping back in again next time.

 

They Cheated On Me, Should I Stay Or Should I Go?

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Today we’re digging in on love, relationships, and all the beautiful and very often messy, messy things in between. Let’s talk infidelity. Yep, that gut-punch, world-turned-upside-down moment. You are in shock, you are hurt, you are angry, you feel terribly betrayed.

Would you believe me if I said – you can get through this betrayal, and yes, some couples even come out stronger?

Listen in and learn how!

SHOWNOTES

Hello and Welcome to A Journey to Awareness, I’m Shauna Hoffman.

Oh, today we are digging in on love, relationships, and all the beautiful and very often messy, messy things in between. I’m hoping this podcast will help you navigate the tough stuff with a little wisdom and a lot of heart.

Today’s topic? Oh boy, it’s a big one: infidelity. Yep, that gut-punch, world-turned-upside-down moment. You are in shock, you are hurt, you are angry, you feel terribly betrayed.

Would you believe me if I said – you can get through this betrayal, and yes, some couples even come out stronger?

Here is the gnawing question for most of you who are going through this right now. Should I stay or should I go? ‘Is my marriage or relationship over? Or, is there a path forward? Stick with me for just this podcast and let’s talk about how to heal, asking yourself can you rebuild trust? And in the end decide what’s best for you.

First there is the initial shock – I want you to Give Yourself Time from the minute you find out.

So, you just found out your partner cheated, you’re probably feeling everything at once. Rage. Hurt. Disbelief. Maybe even guilt. That’s normal.

Your brain is in survival mode, trying to make sense of something that makes no sense. It’s like there is a glitch in your heart. How can this be true? Here’s my first big piece of advice: Don’t rush into a decision.

Right now, you don’t need to know if you’re staying or leaving. You don’t need to explain yourself to anyone. Big one…you don’t owe your partner forgiveness, and you don’t owe anyone an answer. You just need space to feel and process.

But that question is nagging at you! Do I fight for this relationship, or do I flee and save myself while I can.

It’s typical fight or flight! FIGHT- Do you stay and work on your relationship? Or flight – do you walk away?

Here’s the truth – there is no one-size-fits-all answer. But I do have some questions to help you get clarity.

Let’s start with Reasons to Consider Leaving:

Is your partner remorseful – or defensive and dismissive? This will tell you so much about how he respects you. And also, what to expect moving forward, if you stay. Unless he has some level of remorse you have a long road ahead of you. One where you and your feelings will be dismissed. And sometimes that is a bigger hurt than the betrayal.

Next- Was this a one-time betrayal or part of a pattern of lies? If this is a pattern you can probably expect that it will never change unless they seek help. If they keep repeating the behavior with no consequences, they have no reason to change.

Ask yourself this. Do they take full responsibility, or are they blaming you? Oooh, blaming is truly the game of someone with Narcissistic tendencies. “I did this because of you. It’s your fault I cheated on you. You don’t take care of my needs.” Now. I will talk about your responsibility in a minute. But if your partner is ONLY blaming you without taking any responsibility it becomes almost abusive. And if you stay, I need you to look at yourself and your own codependent behavior.

Have they cut ties with the person they cheated on you with? If they don’t want to… there is a lot to ask him as to why. Maybe co-worker, family, friend; either way you need to find out whether they want to keep that person in both of your lives. This would be asking so much from you that I am not sure you would be able to navigate without more hurt. Many people find this to be the strongest reason to leave the betrayer.

Big one– Has there been any abuse – emotional or physical – in the relationship? If the answer is yes, HANDS DOWN LEAVE! This is a conversation for a whole nother podcast. But, I want you to immediately seek help to get away from any abusive relationship. And if you would stay I want you to have a good therapist, helping you understand why you accept ongoing abuse.

Now ask yourself… What does your gut tell you? Is your gut telling you, I will never feel safe with this person again? The deep work is to ask yourself why.

Big picture…

If your partner is unwilling to acknowledge the pain they caused, refuses to change, or keeps breaking trust – leaving might be your healthiest option. Because forgiveness is one thing, but trust? That’s beyond imperative in a relationship, it is sacred, and it is earned!

Now let’s talk about Reasons to Consider Staying and Rebuilding:

Is your partner deeply remorseful and transparent? I love this word. Transparent. Can they be truly transparent moving forward in the relationship? That means; transparent in where they are at given times, social media accounts, phones, etc. Where this becomes hard is that some people think transparency means they have to tell you all the gritty details of the betrayal. I am not one that thinks this is a good idea. In fact, it can be harmful because then you have images in your head you can’t get out. But if you DO want to know every detail just know that your healing is going to take longer because the wound is much deeper.

Another thing to ask yourself if you are considering staying is…

Was this out of character…something they regret and are committed to fixing? To me this is the crux of the reason to hope. People make really bad decisions sometimes. If it is not usually in their character to cheat, then they need to get into a therapist and work on themselves. Then you can work together on fixing it all.

Were there underlying relationship issues that need healing, and are you both willing to do the work? This is when I want you to look at the challenges that were showing in the relationship BEFORE the betrayal. I call every relationship a co-created relationship. Not that you would ever condone infidelity, but what got you both to this moment in time? Is there work that needs to be done to make sure that the relationship is so strong, honest and real that no one feels the need to look outside to fill a need ever again.

Oh, here is a telltale question…

Do you still feel love and connection beyond the pain? This is when I need you to take some time and not make any decisions. When you’re first hurt you likely don’t feel love. You are angry and wish you didn’t have to look in their eyes, hear their voice, or see their face! Remember… anger covers hurt, hurt covers sadness and sadness covers love. You have to see if under the hurt there is still love.

And lastly,

Can you envision a future where trust is rebuilt?

If your partner is taking full accountability, showing up differently, and willing to do the hard work – then staying and rebuilding is absolutely possible! There is hope!

So, let’s say you decide to stay. Can trust be rebuilt? The answer is Yes. But it’s not about slapping on a ‘forgiveness’ sticker and moving on. Trust is earned over time through consistent, transparent, and patient effort.

Here’s what real trust-building looks like:

*No more secrets. Full transparency – no hiding, no defensiveness.

*Access to devices, locations, or social media (if that helps you feel safe).

*Open communication about triggers – because you will have them. For instance, if you see a movie where someone cheats, can you talk about it. If you go someplace where the betrayer took the other person you will need to talk about it. Love letters or cards you got from your mate that you saved and now you question the truth in them! So many triggers. What are you both ok talking about to get through these? You WILL be triggered!

*Commitment to therapy. Individual or couples therapy can be a game-changer. Everyone deserves to share their voice. With a good therapist you have hope.

*Time. Healing doesn’t happen on a deadline. Your emotions will have ups and downs, and that’s okay. So, let me be clear – if your partner is pressuring you to ‘just move on’ or getting frustrated with your healing process? That’s a red flag. True healing happens on your timeline, not theirs.

Now let’s talk about Setting Boundaries for Healing

Regardless of whether you stay or go, boundaries are essential. Why? Because boundaries protect your peace and allow you to heal. These are YOUR boundaries to consider…

Emotional Boundaries: What conversations are off-limits?
Physical Boundaries: Do you need space in the house? Do you need time alone?
Digital Boundaries: Will your partner check in more, or be more transparent online?
Social Boundaries: Do you need to avoid certain places or people?

And listen – your boundaries aren’t ‘too much.’ They’re about safety. If your partner truly wants to rebuild trust, they’ll respect them.

That was all if you stayed. Now What If You Choose to Leave?

Let’s say you realize this relationship is not for you anymore. That’s okay. That’s more than okay – it’s brave.

Leaving a marriage or long-term relationship is not a failure. Sometimes the healthiest thing you can do is choose yourself. If staying would mean constant fear, anxiety, or self-doubt, then walking away is not giving up. It’s choosing peace.

If you do leave, here is a recipe for happiness.

Surround yourself with:

Support. Friends, family, therapy – lean on people who love you.

Self-care. Rediscover who you are outside of the relationship.

Forgiveness (for yourself). You are not to blame for someone else’s betrayal. Repeat that! You are not to blame for someone else’s betrayal.

The healing process will have highs and lows, but I promise – you will not always feel this way.

So, I want to leave you with some Closing Thoughts:

There are No Wrong Choices, Only Your Choice!

Should you stay or should you go? The answer isn’t in this podcast – it’s in you.

If you’re staying, make sure it’s because you believe in your partner’s actions, not just their words. If you’re leaving, know that you are walking toward healing, not just away from pain.

No matter what, you are stronger than you think. You deserve love, honesty, and peace. And whether you’re staying, leaving, or still figuring it out – you will be okay. I believe in you!

Oh, beautiful listeners, please take care of yourselves this week. Drink lots of water, get lots of rest and have lots of fun! Surround yourself with loving beings and most importantly, love yourself!

Thank you for letting me into your lives this week and I look forward to popping back in again next time.

When Your Grown Up Kids Take And Don’t Give Back

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Today we’re talking about something that’s not just frustrating—it’s exhausting. What happens when your adult child keeps taking and taking from you, with total expectations that that’s what parents should do…continuously give with no expectations of receiving anything back. If you’ve ever felt drained from constantly giving but nervous about what might happen if you say “no,” then this episode is for you.

SHOWNOTES

Hello and welcome to A Journey to Awareness. I’m Shauna Hoffman.  Today we’re talking about something that’s not just frustrating—it’s exhausting. What happens when your adult child keeps taking and taking from you, with total expectations that that’s what parents should do…continuously give with no expectations of receiving anything back. If you’ve ever felt drained from constantly giving but nervous about what might happen if you say “no,” then this episode is for you.

Oh and for the record…sometimes it’s not your own children, but you are watching your friend or family member in one of these unbelievably codependent relationships and it hurts you.

So let’s start with the idea that there are Givers and Takers

You’ve raised them, loved them, and probably made more sacrifices than you can count. But now, your adult children are still calling for help—money, time, a place to stay, a listening ear—yet when you need something, it’s radio silence.

Parenting doesn’t come with an expiration date, but at some point, the dynamic needs to shift. Ideally, the relationship evolves into mutual respect and appreciation. But if you’re stuck in a cycle where you’re always giving, and they’re always taking, we need to take a closer look.

Why Does This Happen?

There are a few reasons adult kids might not be giving back:
1 They assume you’ve got it all together. After all, you were the one who handled everything growing up. Why would you need help now?
2 They’re in survival mode. The economy, job stress, and life pressures can make them feel like they barely have enough for themselves.
3 Learned behavior. If they’ve always been rescued, they may not even realize they should be returning the favor.
4 Emotional distance. Sometimes, as kids grow up they pull away emotionally and stop considering their parents’ needs, whether it’s from busyness, guilt, or just plain forgetfulness. Yet when they need you it is of course their instinct to reach out.

But how Do You Change the Pattern so you don’t feel used? So you feel seen by them? So you don’t get caught up in an unhealthy give and take relationship where the help you are giving them hurts more than saying no?  WHAT? NO???

1. Check Your Boundaries. If you always say “yes,” they will always ask. You have set up the rules. They are just playing the game. What if I say it’s okay to say no. Repeat after me: “I love you, but I can’t right now.” I understand you need help. I believe in you and know you can figure this out without me.

2. Next let’s look at the probable scenario that you don’t Ask For What You Need. We set up this identity as parents that we are the caretakers and we don’t want them to know when we are vulnerable. Well that made sense when they were children because that made them feel safe. But now that they are adults it’s time to change that behavior. Your kids are not mind-readers! Let them know when you need a favor, whether it’s help with something around the house or just a check-in phone call.

3. What if you actually switched it up and tried to teach them Reciprocity. No matter what age they are or you are, this is possible! If they’re always hitting you up for money or help, flip the script: “I’d be happy to help, but could you take care of [small task] for me first?”. And what if you ask for this help at times they have not asked you for anything? We need to change our mindset that we can’t let our children know we need things. That we are vulnerable at times. You would be surprised when you find out that your children love to help you or do things for you but you never gave them the space  to do it.

4. Ok next let’s talk about you Encouraging their Independence. It’s hard, but sometimes the best thing we can do is step back and let them figure things out without us as the safety net. I love to tell parents that you can’t take your kids’ lessons away from them. And you shouldn’t! If they are overspending and you bail them out all the time you are their partner in crime in their never becoming independent.

5. Ahhh. here is a big one… You need to Recognize Your Own Patterns. If giving has been your love language, it can be tough to stop. But love isn’t just about giving—it’s about balance. And parenting is not about saving them, it’s about helping them to grow up and live their own best selves….without you.  Ah that is what sometimes is hard! Many parents want their kids to need them. They are afraid if they don’t then they will lose them. Let me just say that need is not love. If you are one of these kinds of parents I want you to do some journaling on what love is.

Now, let’s talk about a common reaction—anger.

When you start setting boundaries, your adult child might not take it well. Why? Because if they’re used to you always saying yes, your “no” feels like rejection.

How Do You Handle Their Anger?
1. Stay Calm. Their anger is about them, not you. You are not responsible for managing their emotions. Again, they are not toddlers anymore.

2. Repeat Your Boundary. “I understand you’re upset, but this is what I need to do for myself. I love you, but I won’t be treated this way. I don’t deserve that anger towards me”

3. Give Them Space. Sometimes, a little distance is the best way for them to process. If they lash out, don’t engage in a back-and-forth.

4. Don’t Feel Guilty. HARDEST PART FOR CODEPENDENT PARENTS! Setting a boundary doesn’t mean you don’t love them—it means you love yourself enough to say enough is enough. Remember, their anger doesn’t mean you did something wrong. It means you’re doing something different.

When Grandkids Enter the Picture

Now, let’s talk about a next-level challenge—when your adult child uses your grandkids against you. Maybe they limit visits when they don’t get their way, withhold time if you don’t give them what they want, or make you feel like seeing your grandkids is a privilege instead of a natural family bond. Or they turn your grandkids against you.

Nothing cuts deeper than being shut out from your grandchildren, especially when it feels like punishment for something you didn’t even do. And when an adult child holds your grandkids over your head—whether it’s to get money, control the relationship, or just out of spite—it can feel like a whole new level of betrayal.

How Do You Handle This?

1. Refuse to Play Their Game. If they’re demanding money, gifts, or favors in exchange for time with your grandkids, shut it down. You are a grandparent, not a vending machine. Think about these statements.

“I love my grandkids, but I won’t buy my way into their lives.”
“I’m happy to help when I can, but my relationship with my grandkids shouldn’t depend on that.”

2. Set Firm Boundaries.
“I’d love to spend time with the kids, but I won’t be manipulated.”
“If we have an issue, let’s talk about it like adults—don’t use the kids to punish me.”

3. Be the Safe, Steady Presence. Even if they’re limiting your time, make sure that when you do see your grandkids, it’s positive and loving. Never badmouth their parents in front of them—just be the safe, steady presence they’ll always remember.

4. Seek Mediation If Necessary. If the situation is serious and you’re being completely shut out, consider family counseling or mediation. In some cases, grandparent rights might be an option, but that depends on where you live and the circumstances.

The Hardest Truth of All

Sometimes, all of this boils down to one thing: an ungrateful adult child.
Not all adult kids are like this, but when they are, it stings. If your child takes you for granted, refuses to acknowledge all you’ve done, and gets upset when you stop enabling them… that’s emotional manipulation. And at some point, you have to protect yourself.

You are more than what you give. You deserve respect, appreciation, and a relationship that isn’t based on conditions or transactions.
 You cannot control other people’s behavior. You can only control your own.

Let’s write these two statements down!
I am more than what I give!
I cannot control other people’s behavior.

If this resonated with you, share it with someone else who needs to hear it. And remember—setting boundaries isn’t mean, it’s necessary. Your love is valuable. You are valuable.

Oh beautiful listeners, please take care of yourselves this week. Drink lots of water, get lots of rest and have lots of fun! Surround yourself with loving beings and most importantly, love yourself!

Thank you for letting me into your lives this week and I look forward to popping back in again next time.

 

Stop Screwing Up Your Life

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Today we are back on the idea that when we are willing, we can change up the Rhythm Of Our Lives. We have talked about looking at yourself and deciding something has to change. Well, for the next few podcasts we are going to talk about the pieces of our psyche, our thinking and our habits that stop us from doing that. Today is a big one. It’s what I talk about in my book as the rebellious child/free child. When that side of us is healthy it is incredibly creative. It’s the side of our personality that thinks outside the box, rocks the boat for change. It’s the artist, it’s the creator. It’s the side of us that loves to play and have fun! We so need this side of us. It’s also called the creative child. But there is a challenge, when it goes overboard it’s the side of us that can totally screw up our lives.

SHOWNOTES:

Hello and welcome, I’m Shauna Hoffman. Today we are back on the idea that when we are willing, we can change up the Rhythm Of Our Lives. We have talked about looking at yourself and deciding something has to change. Well, for the next few podcasts we are going to talk about the pieces of our psyche, our thinking and our habits that stop us from doing that. Today is a big one. It’s what I talk about in my book as the rebellious child/free child. When that side of us is healthy it is incredibly creative. It’s the side of our personality that thinks outside the box, rocks the boat for change. It’s the artist, it’s the creator. It’s the side of us that loves to play and have fun! We so need this side of us. It’s also called the creative child. But there is a challenge, when it goes overboard it’s the side of us that can totally screw up our lives. I mean really. It’s the side of us that goes overboard.

Rebellious spirits lives a life of action with no fear of consequences.

As you can imagine as an artist or anyone who’s trying to create something, you have to think outside the box. You can’t put boundaries on your thinking, creations or your dreams. A matter of fact, for those of us who don’t live in that state, the word can’t or the fear of what others think is what stops us from being creative. Creativity is thinking outside of the known to create the unknown. It’s an exciting, exhilarating and adventurous endeavor.

It’s taking actions with no fear of consequences!

It’s also the side of us that makes us fun-loving, carefree. Think of some of the creative people you know and reflect on how much fun they are to be around! The rebellious/free child taps into a side of the human spirit that almost screams exciting energy. And they don’t care about what other people think. Rebellious child, creative child, free child.

Another wonderful side of rebellious/free creative spirits is the ability to be spontaneous and not stick to expected behaviors, routines or the ideas of others. It’s truly living expect the unexpected! My last podcast episode. If it’s raining outside, they come up with something else to do. They see unplanned opportunities as a way to go beyond obstacles. They throw out all the rules and create new experiences! And there again is the word… create.

Now here is how rebellious/free child spirits screw up their lives. It’s when the wild side of them goes overboard! I always say this is very much the teenager times in our lives. That’s why we call teenagers rebellious. Because they’re trying to break out of the norm and figure out who they are, and create their own rules for life. This state is what we call the Me state. What do I want to do? Where do I wanna go? So when the rebellious child state goes overboard it’s all about “what I want for myself” with little or no thought about the other person.

So how does it screw up your life? When you live your life with very few boundaries and in the Me state, it becomes way too easy to overindulge in just about anything. Drink too much. Hang out with your fun friends and do drugs. It’s the state where people have affairs, because again its action with no fear of the consequences. They’re not looking at the consequences of drinking too much on their health, on their life, on their marriage, on their parenting, on how it’s affecting their job. If they’re having affairs it’s because they’re looking for that fun, that high that they think they are not getting in their marriage. And they’re not looking at the consequences of how it’s gonna hurt someone else or destroy their relationship.They slip into the me state and escape.

We see this with so many of the most brilliant artists, musicians actors, writers, producers directors. They are extremely creative, and this side of them has helped get them to where they are in life. But it’s the negative side of the rebellious child that takes many of them down.

There is a huge danger in your life if you are nurturing an unhealthy rebellious child spirit. Combine this with another side of this state, wild spontaneity and chances are they jump into total denial. They have to deny the possibility that there is a negative outcome to what they’re doing. They deny that it’s harmful or hurtful and they let go of all of their boundaries… and boundaries are what keeps you safe.

Here is another dangerous side of when the rebellious/free child goes overboard. There’s very little guilt involved. So the rebellious child spirit can create a scenario that makes it OK for what they’re doing and they have no guilt of how it’s affecting anyone else. Guilt would mean they would have to change something. And when a rebellious child spirit goes overboard that’s the last thing they want to do. Change.

Now let’s talk about the free spirited side of rebellious Child/free child. It’s when the free spirited person becomes two free spirited. It sounds harmless, right? We love free spirited people. I love to see someone who dresses just the way they want to dress without caring what others think. It’s OK to be different. All of that is the healthy side of a free spirited rebellious child spirit. But when the free spirit goes overboard, they lose perspective on what is safe for them and around them. Like a woman who skips the beach alone, not even noticing that a man is following her. Or someone who puts their child in danger because they wanna break all the rules. This is when free spirited becomes reckless and logic goes out the window in favor of the adventure or rule breaking thinking of the rebellious/ free child state.

There’s a beautiful side of this kind of spirit and that is that they speak up for themselves. That’s what we practice as teenagers that gets us into trouble. But when it becomes overboard, then there is a chance that they become over emotional. That free spirited person who is so overboard that they want everyone to hear their voice! You’ve been around those kind of people where drama is the name of their game.

Emotional, rebellious, free spirited people, creative people, are more in touch with their emotional side.  When it goes overboard it’s when the emotion gains control of them over the logic of a situation. Their emotion turns from you or us or the situation to me, me me.

So how do you know if this is you? The first question to ask yourself is is there a side of you that goes overboard that is affecting your life? Are you drinking too much? Are you doing too many drugs? Are you blowing off work? Are you having an affair outside of your relationship? Are you doing other dangerous things like driving too fast or over eating or eating tons of junk food. Here is a big one! Spending money with no fear of the consequences of overspending! Do your emotions get out of control?

Take a look at yourself honestly, with no denial, and ask yourself where is your rebellious free child going overboard? And then ask yourself how is it screwing up your life?

I always say that the first way to change is to make the subconscious conscious. Once you do that you can look at what you need to change in order to change the rhythm of your life. A bigger piece of this is to ask yourself, is there a creative side of you that you are not tapping into? Is there a fun loving spirit in you that is desperately needing attention? Are you working so hard that you’re rebelling in other ways? Are you an artist or a musician or a writer who has let that side of you go in in order to live a less creative life? Are you so rigid in so many other things in your life that the only way you can break free is going overboard with something unhealthy?

We all desperately need this side of us. But we need it healthy. Without a creative outlet, fun, spontaneity, playfulness, our subconscious is going to find quick and easy ways to experience it. And I can almost guarantee you that one way or another you will pay with the consequences that you’re not looking at.

So if you wanna stop screwing up your life, you actually have to look at your life. No more denial. No more closing off your adult thinking in order to get away with old behaviors. Get in touch with the wonderful and healthy and fun side of creative child. And if you don’t have a creative child, find it.

It might be something more subtle than you know. It might be creating a beautiful garden. It might be changing all of the colors in your home. It might be writing your memoirs or starting a screenplay or, getting out and doing more fun things with your life! Trying something new, going someplace new, and if you need to start very very small, then do so. And most importantly, if you need to look deeply at behavior that you know is screwing up your life, then put on your he, she, or they pants and do so.

In order to change the rhythm of our lives to find happiness and passion then we have to become self-aware and look at the things that are holding us back. Not with judgment, but with hope. Hope that you love yourself enough to make the changes to start you back on a path to your wonderful life.

Here is a perfect quote by Nayyirah Waheed,

There is no healthier drug than creativity!

Albert Einstein said,

Creativity is intelligence having fun!

This season of the podcast is about changing up the rhythms of our lives. But we have to look at what is stopping the music in our souls. So if you can take just a little time to look deep within… I believe you will find the answer.  Remember no judgement, just hope.

Oh beautiful listeners, please take care of yourselves this week. Drink lots of water, get lots of rest and have lots of fun! Surround yourself with loving beings and most importantly, love yourself!

Thank you for letting me into your lives this week and I look forward to popping back in again next time.

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Shauna Hoffman is a Marriage Family Therapist and Speaker in private Practice in Santa Clarita, CA. She gives workshops and seminars in Newhall, Valencia and all of Southern CA.

FOR APPOINTMENTS

Appointments may be made by calling (661) 714-5137 or emailing Shauna@workingonme.com