Working On Me

A Journey to Self Awareness with Shauna Hoffman

Passion is your Spark, Purpose is your Soul

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Welcome to A Journey to Awareness, today we are going to have some fun as we kick off this episode as a follow up to the last episode! We are going to play with the space within ourselves where we explore how to live more authentically, more purposefully, and more in tune with who we really are and what brings us happiness. Today’s episode is for anyone who’s ever asked the question: What am I supposed to be doing with my life?

We’re talking about two powerful forces that shape a meaningful life — passion and purpose — and how do we find both?

SHOWNOTES

Hello, and welcome to A Journey to Awareness, I’m Shauna Hoffman. Oh today we are going to have some fun as we kick off this episode as a follow up to the last episode! We are going to play with the space within ourselves where we explore how to live more authentically, more purposefully, and more in tune with who we really are and what brings us happiness. Today’s episode is for anyone who’s ever asked the question: What am I supposed to be doing with my life?

We’re talking about two powerful forces that shape a meaningful life — passion and purpose — and how do we find both?

First, what is the difference Between Passion and Purpose?

Guess what? Passion and purpose are not the same thing. And that’s actually great news.

Passion is what excites you. That spark that makes you smile! That energy that jumpstarts your heart a little or a lot! And it’s creativity! Passion fuels your creativity. It opens your thoughts and mind to think and feel differently. And in the end passion is what fills your heart with joy! It’s the thing you love to do — even if no one’s watching.

Now let’s differentiate this from passion for another person! We are not talking about romantic passion. We are talking about your passion for something, not someone! Unless that someone is you! It’s a passion for something within yourself!

You might love to write, design, cook, hike, teach, or play music, speak, do yoga, play sound bowls, hang with dogs or cats or llamas. That’s your passion — it’s what lights you up, brings a smile to your face and a warmth in your heart.

Purpose, on the other hand, is deeper. It’s the why behind your life. It’s what gives your actions meaning. Purpose is often reflective of your morals, ethics and values. It can show up in how you help others, humans, animals, the planet, yourself. It’s what you stand for, or what you want to change in the world.

So here’s the difference in one line:
“Passion excites you. Purpose is what fulfills you.”

Now back to Passion… so, how do you find your passion? We talked a little bit about this in the last episode. But it can’t hurt to revisit it again today!

You follow your energy! This means that you take some time to become self aware. aware of self! HA! This podcast! A Journey to Awareness!

Ask yourself …When do I feel most alive? What am I doing? Or when I’m doing something I don’t like what do I wish I was doing instead? What feels like that thing that throws a huge smile on your face? Think about it right now and see if anything pops into your awareness.

Sometimes when we revisit our younger self we get clues as to what is still deep inside us that is waiting to come out again.

What did you love before life got serious? Remembering childhood passions often will jumpstart your adventure towards finding passion again. Or maybe it was something you loved when you were young that needs to be tweaked a bit to fit the you of today. When I was young we couldn’t have a dog. I lived in a condo with my mom, three brothers and our beloved cat. One more animal would be too much for a single mom to handle. But my soul longed for a dog of my own. So my best friend and I would walk the dogs in the neighborhood for hours on end! Often these dogs would never have gotten walks if it weren’t for us. Now I have my own dogs and I work with rescue to help dogs all over SoCal. Dogs are a passion of mine!  AHHH but wait! I am crossing a bit into purpose… more on that in a bit!

You may still not know where your passion is. You just may not have found it yet! Try to find it without pressure. Don’t make it a stressful, What is my passion? Why don’t I know, obsession. Because then it becomes a chore. And when passion becomes a chore it will take all of the magic away. Think of it as an adventure! You are going down different paths on the way to finding your pot of gold!

Many of you are still asking,  how do I find it? Where do I find the paths to go down? Here are some more ideas. There is an app called Meetup.com. I have so many of my clients peruse this app to see if there are any local fun groups to try out that spark something inside them to just try out. You meet likeminded souls and you try your hand at different things that may fill a long lost need in you. Or take a class in something that you have always wanted to try. I had a friend that wanted to learn how to make pottery. Talk about sparking her creativity and her creativity being brought to life!

You could join a group. Explore. Passion comes from action, not just desperately searching inside you to see what fits your soul. It can be like a dormant seed waiting to push up out of the dirt. Just water it and you will see it’s beauty! But you have to water it!

Try these journal prompts:

  • What do I get lost in?
  • What would I do if no one was watching?
  • I love this one…What makes me feel like me?
  • What is someone else doing that I am kinda jealous of… or wishing I could do?

You don’t have to commit forever. Just get curious. One tiny thought at a time. Then one tiny step to discover if you can find a spark in something you are journaling about.

Now let’s talk about purpose — the meaning piece.

Purpose usually grows slowly. Don’t rush it. Let it unfold. Your purpose does not have to be altruistic to the world. It may just be altruistic to you. Someone who grew up in an unhealthy family finds purpose in creating a beautiful safe home for their children. Someone who fought an illness and survived finds purpose in enjoying and giving thanks for every breath they take, every day they live now. For a survivor finding a purpose of filling their life with joy is absolutely not a selfish purpose. It is a much deserved purpose that brings the world one more smiling soul. And then the ripple affect occurs! Their smile ignites another person to smile and on and on!

Your purpose can be as small as feeding all the hummingbirds in your neighborhood. Maybe you have a passion for those tiny creatures and now they have given you a purpose to help them survive. And that brings me back to my love of dogs and how I turned my passion into a purpose by working in dog rescue during one of the hardest times in rescue history. One of my passions that is now one of the most profound purposes I live for. Don’t get me wrong! I have so many passions! Sailing! Travel! Lunches with my besties! But the one that I have combined into my purpose is animal rescue.

Look at your story.

What have you overcome? Often, purpose is born from pain, healing, or transformation.

Ask what you care about deeply.

What breaks your heart or fires you up? That’s a hint.

Think impact, not job title.

Your purpose isn’t limited to a career. It’s what you’re here to give, sometimes to others and sometimes to your self…

Here are some Journal prompts:

  • What do I want to be remembered for?
  • Who do I feel called to help?
  • What injustice or need moves me to act?

Here’s something people don’t say enough:
Your passion and your purpose can and probably will change. What you loved at 25 might not fulfill you at 45 or 60 or 80. Your purpose may evolve as you grow, face loss, become a parent, or change careers, experiment with life and new experiences, retire, get divorced, have kids!That’s being alive. We are not stagnant beings. In fact when we are stagnant is when depression creeps in!

When pickle-ball became the rage I watched a friend in her 40s find a new passion! When a client of mine got divorced in her 50’s she tried ballroom dancing and all of a sudden she is consumed with it in the most wonderful ways. And she lost 20 pounds dancing it away! Her new passion. But it became her purpose, to heal her soul after divorce and show others that it may do the same for them.

You’re allowed to outgrow things. You’re allowed to pivot. You’re allowed to rediscover yourself again and again and again.

Let yourself evolve. Passion and purpose aren’t final destinations — they’re living, breathing parts of your journey.

Here is the wonder…

When your passion and your purpose align? That’s magic.
Here are some Examples:

  • A photographer (passion) who captures stories for nonprofits (purpose)
  • A teacher (purpose) who brings theater into the classroom (passion)
  • A gardener (passion) who teaches people how to grow their own food (purpose)

Not everyone gets there overnight. And not every passion needs to become your purpose. But when the two touch — it can be profound. But let’s be clear. They do not have to coincide. You can find your passion in one place and your purpose somewhere else.

OOOOH. Now let’s look at the science behind it all! First Purpose!

This isn’t just feel-good talk — science backs it up.

  • People who have a strong sense of purpose live longer.
    One large study found they had a 15% lower risk of death — even when accounting for age, income, and health status.”

Let’s look at mental health and resilience:

  • Purpose doesn’t just add meaning — it acts like a buffer.
    It protects us. People with purpose have lower rates of depression, anxiety, and even substance abuse.
    It’s like an emotional immune system.”

Physical health! 

Want to hear something crazy?

  • Having purpose is linked to a 33% lower risk of stroke or heart attack. That’s right — it’s not just good for your soul. It’s good for your heart.”
  • Your brain is literally wired for meaning.
    When you’re connected to your purpose, studies show your brain’s reward centers light up — and so does your decision-making and self-control.”

Now let’s talk about passion:

Passion brings its own benefits, too.

  • People who regularly engage in something they love show higher life satisfaction, greater persistence, and less burnout — especially if they do it for the love of it, not just the outcome.
    It’s a kind  of passion that fuels joy, not stress.”

I love this!

  • People with purpose report higher quality sleep, according to the Sleep Science Journal.
  • College students with a clear sense of purpose are less likely to suffer from academic burnout, and more likely to report better mental health.
  • In a 2022 Gallup survey, only 20% of people said they feel passionate about their work — but those people were 3x more likely to report high overall well-being.
  • A study of retirees found that those with a sense of purpose were less likely to develop mobility issues or disability over time.

It always comes back to the mind- body connection!

🛎️ So here’s what I want you to contemplate from this podcast:

  • Passion is what excites you.
  • Purpose is what fills your soul.
  • You don’t have to figure it all out at once.
  • You’re allowed to change your mind.
  • You are becoming — as this podcast is named… you are on a Journey to Self Awareness!

You just need a little curiosity and a little courage.

I love this quote by Mark Twain.

“The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why.”

— Mark Twain

If this episode helped you, share it with someone who might be in a time in their life that would benefit from hearing it, too.

Now, beautiful listeners… go forth and have some fun! Play, learn and keep listening to the whisper inside you. It knows the way.

Have a fabulous week! And don’t forget to drink lots of water, eat nourishing foods, and surround yourself with loving beings.

Thank you for joining me today,.. and I look forward to popping into your life again next time!

It’s Not The Relationship. It’s The Missing Piece Inside Yourself

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Today we’re gonna talk about something that is extremely common and also can be very enlightening. You are in a relationship and something in you feels off. You feel tired, you’re drained. You might have some level of depression. There is something that’s missing in you and you don’t know why. You might find yourself crying for no reason. You’re getting short with the person you’re supposed to love. And all of a sudden you begin to wonder, am I unhappy because of them? You start imagining leaving them. Maybe that will fix it. Maybe once you’re free of this person, once you are free of the weight of this relationship, then the sadness, and the emptiness will lift.

Well, what happens when you leave and the weight is still there? Guess what? It was never the person in the first place. It was the part of you that you’ve been ignoring! You weren’t sad because they weren’t enough. You were sad because you weren’t enough! You weren’t enough for yourself! Let me say that again… you weren’t sad because they weren’t enough. You were sad because you weren’t enough for yourself!

SHOWNOTES

Hello and welcome, I’m Shauna Hoffman. Today we’re gonna talk about something that is extremely common and also can be very enlightening. You are in a relationship and something in you feels off. You feel tired, you’re drained. You might have some level of depression. There is something that’s missing in you and you don’t know why.  You might find yourself crying for no reason. You’re getting short with the person you’re supposed to love.  And all of a sudden you begin to wonder, am I unhappy because of them? You start imagining leaving them.  Maybe that will fix it.  Maybe once you’re free of this person, once you are free of the weight of this relationship, then the sadness, and the emptiness will lift.

Well, what happens when you leave and the weight is still there? Guess what? It was never the person in the first place. It was the part of you that you’ve been ignoring!  You weren’t sad because they weren’t enough. You were sad because you weren’t enough!  You weren’t enough for yourself! Let me say that again… you weren’t sad because they weren’t enough. You were sad because you weren’t enough for yourself!

Could it be that when you entered into this relationship you stopped chasing your dream! You buried your ambition in the soft comfort of the relationship and then you got mad at the other person when it didn’t fill the hole in your soul? Maybe your dream was music or writing, starting that nonprofit, going back to school, traveling, opening that amazing bookstore that you always talked about. For whatever reason you didn’t follow that dream and now you think what is missing is in the relationship when what is really missing is a longing deep within you.

Wow this realization can hit like a wave. You’re not heartbroken because the relationship is wrong. You’re restless because you’re off course. Here is a fact! Your soul doesn’t care who’s next to you in bed If you’re not waking up to something that lights your own fire.  When we don’t find what sparks us, we project our disappointment on the people closest to us. And often it’s our partners that bear the weight.

So what now?  You don’t have to blow up your relationship. You don’t need to walk out. But you do need to walk toward something! Pick up that dream and dust it off. Look your partner in the eye and say I have been thinking about the fact that I’ve blamed you for something that’s actually about me. I wanna find my spark again. I need to find my spark again and I hope you’ll support me! And if they are the right person they will. Because it was never about escaping them, it was about returning to you.

One of my clients asked me how do we do that if we don’t know what our passion is. We don’t know what our spark is. We have been so involved in being a mom or a dad, paying the bills or filling the roles that other people want that we really have no idea what little message is gnawing at us wanting to be brought to life.

It’s perfectly normal to be unsure. I’ll give you a personal example.  Before I became a therapist. I had a thriving cruise business, theater company, happy marriage. But then all of a sudden I felt like something was missing. I started to blame everything around me for my unhappiness instead of realizing that there was a piece inside me that I wasn’t listening to.

First of all, I’m going to say that I think there are so many sides of our personality, our dreams.  I loved owning my own business, working for myself. I loved to travel.  I had fulfilled that by starting a theater company that I could actually take on cruise ships because I love the ocean. I love being on the water.  But then I realized that everything was about me and I needed a way to give back. At that point I was producing videos on A Course in Miracles with Marianne Williamson, so spirituality and spiritual psychotherapy was fascinating to me. But I still wasn’t giving back one on one. So I searched and searched for a place to volunteer and decided to start tutoring children struggling to learn how to read.

Then one day I was tutoring this 12 year old boy and I realized that I was working really hard to get him to believe in himself. We were spending time in front of a mirror saying, Repeat after me. I’m smart. I’m smart. I’m smart. I can do this. His parents were very cruel and put this little boy down so much that he had no belief in himself. And all of a sudden I realized I wasn’t tutoring him, I was doing therapy with him! And that’s when it hit me. I think I wanna become a therapist. So owning a business, having a life filled with husband and animals, travel and acting, writing, directing, and everything that I was doing I still decided to go back and get my master’s degree. I knew it was going to be a long haul and I hadn’t been back in school in 12 years, but I did it anyway. I decided to take it day by day and see if this would fulfill my soul. And now here I am… it did.

Now I have so many different businesses it’s ridiculous. I have a Therapy business. I have a podcast. I have a travel business. I have a speaker trainer business, I have a theater company, I rescue collies and I love all of it and now every piece of me is being honored.

Ok, enough about me…the point is you might not know where your passion is leading you or what your passion even  is!

But I’m gonna tell you this.  You’re not behind!  You’re on a path!  Each step that I took, each revelation that I had, brought me to a different experience. And each different experience helped me realize what my heart was longing for. And in the end, it was never about being happy with my relationship, my home, the town I lived in. There was nothing I needed to escape from. What I needed to do was go towards something! Not leave anything behind, but move towards something on a path that would bring me happiness.

I know there are many of you that have no idea what your passion or purpose is. First of all, I’m gonna say your purpose and your passion might not be the same thing. And because of that, it’s a whole ‘nother podcast and subject to delve into. So for now  I wanna bring it all back to what we started to talk about. And that is, that often times when we feel like something is missing in our relationship. It might not be the relationship. It’s something that’s missing inside of you.

Ask yourself… What piece of me feels empty? Am I sharing myself with the world in ways that bring me joy? Is there something about myself that I am longing for? Something to learn? Something to do? Something to share? Then sit back and listen! Listen to your heart! Journal about what you dreamt of as a child? Look around you and see what makes you happy! Do you want to go back to school? Write a novel? Or just learn how to grow roses? I love this idea…Go to a bookstore and peruse the magazine section and see which one you want to pick up! Photography? Gardening! Astronomy? Hiking? A magazine on reptiles or dogs or llamas!

Follow Your Energy

As yourself: When do I feel most alive? What tasks feel like a “yes”?

2. Look Backward

Childhood clues — what did you love before people told you what you “should” do?

3. Explore Without Commitment

Try a class, volunteer, shadow someone, dabble.

4. Journal Prompts to Reflect On

What would I do if I knew I couldn’t fail?
What do people ask me for help with?
What have I always secretly wanted to try?
I like this one. What do you feel slightly jealous of that someone else is doing? This is a great clue as to what you long for in your life!

My friend Marianne Williamson says “When we are centered in joy, we attain our wisdom.”

And I want to take that a step further and say …when we are centered in the wisdom of our soul, we will find true joy.

Again…when we are centered in the wisdom of our soul, we will find true joy.

Oh beautiful listeners, take tiny steps to find what touches you deep inside!  It will be your next step on your glorious journey to self awareness!

I hope this episode has sparked something in you that you didn’t know was missing, or was hiding in the deep spaces of your heart. I hope this helps you continue on your journey! I hope you do so with gentle kindness towards yourself!

Please take wonderful care of yourself! Eat nourishing foods, drink lots of water and surround yourself with loving beings.

Once again, thank you for letting me into your lives this week and I look forward to popping back  in again…next time!

Magical Mornings

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Today’s episode is to awaken your awareness of the world all around you, the world you are a part of. How do we do that? It’s all about crafting a magical, wonderful morning. Not just “I hit snooze five times and rolled out the door with mismatched socks” kind of morning – but the kind that makes you feel like a warm cup of joy with whipped cream and just a little sparkle of wonder on top.

Wonder of everything around you. Wonder of your life.

SHOWNOTES

Hello, beautiful humans! Welcome to A Journey to Awareness, I am Shauna Hoffman.

Whether you’re still snuggled under the covers or already sipping your favorite morning brew, or you’re listening to this in the afternoon or evening! I thought I would share my new morning rituals and see if you are ready to change up your life with your own morning splendidness that will ground you, wake up your senses and maybe even sprinkle a little magic on the rest of your day – one gentle laugh, one deep breath, one intentional thought at a time. This podcast is called a Journey to Awareness. So, today’s episode is to awaken your awareness of the world all around you, the world you are a part of.

How do we do that? It’s all about crafting a magical, wonderful morning. Not just “I hit snooze five times and rolled out the door with mismatched socks” kind of morning – but the kind that makes you feel like a warm cup of joy with whipped cream and just a little sparkle of wonder on top. Wonder of everything around you. Wonder of your life.

I started a new ritual a few weeks ago that has changed my day, my moods and my life. I decided that I would not wake up and look at my phone right away. As a matter of fact, I would put it away till after I enjoyed my new morning sunshine. OK, that wasn’t easy as that phone calls my name the minute, I open my eyes. But I decided to try something new. something out of the box for me. My own magic.

I decided I wanted to take my coffee outside and say good morning to the world! No matter how cold it was! I was going outside to start my day. I layer myself in clothes, beanie on my head, scarf around my neck and take my coffee and cookie outside to my patio to be greeted by everything I see and then greet it all back! Oh, if my neighbors could hear me, they would think I am crazy.

Good morning neighborhood. Good morning plants behind me. Good morning mountains, good morning bamboo. Good morning sliver of white moon still up in the sky. Good morning palm trees on the other side of the fence. Good morning magnificent date tree. Good morning magical mystery plant that we don’t know what you are. Good morning giant majestic towering tree in the distance. Good morning lovey doveys, (the two doves that visit me every morning.)

Next, I look at the Aloha sign we have on our fence and say to the world… “Aloha!”

Then I close my eyes, and I thank Gaia, Mother earth. All of a sudden, I feel a part of it. I don’t feel like I am this human on a mission to just be my lone human with human purposes all day. I feel like part of the world around me and I feel connected. Connected to something I didn’t even know I needed.

So today as I was staring at the sky, I said to myself, I want to share this with all of you! I love this line from the Rascals.

“It’s a beautiful morning… I think I’ll go outside for a while and just smile.”

Let’s play with a few ideas that might help you fall in love with mornings.

First, Morning Magic could Start the Night Before.
Okay, I know this is a bit of a cheat. But let’s be real – future you loves it when present you lays out your clothes, sets the coffee, or puts your journal by the bed. A little prep the night before is like giving your morning-self a warm hug. And who doesn’t like a good pre-wake up hug?

There is nothing that makes me smile more and makes it easier to get out of bed than knowing I already have my coffee ready to just turn on, brew and enjoy!

And can you Wake Up to Something Lovely?
Really, You don’t have to wake up to your phone blaring a techno remix of anxiety. Try waking up to a favorite song, or even better – a light that mimics a sunrise. Your body goes, “Ah yes. I am a plant. Thank you.”

Bonus points if the first thing you see is something that makes you smile. A picture, a quote, your dog’s face. Maybe your own sleepy face. It’s a good face! If you have a phone addiction and it’s right next to your pillow and you really have to look at it, then turn on the camera and look at your own face! Or have an app like the I AM affirmation app on it and soak up morning affirmations and nothing else! No news! No emails! Don’t start texting people or reading texts. I want you to ask yourself, is it really possible for you to honor yourself for maybe a half hour every morning to create wonder for yourself the rest of the day?

Or try this!
Before you scroll, before you open the floodgates of everyone else’s lives… jot down three things, or ask yourself these three things while your head is still on your pillow…

  • What is one thing I’m grateful for this morning?
  • What is one thing I’m looking forward to today?
  • I love this one… What is One thing I want to feel today?

It takes less than a minute, and suddenly you’re not just reacting to your day – you’re co-creating it. Like a life artist.

“Write it on your heart that every day is the best day in the year.” — Ralph Waldo Emerson

Oooh, This could be fun…Romanticize Your Coffee/Tea/Toast Routine.

This is your own rom-com moment. Make your coffee or tea like it’s a love letter. Add cinnamon. Froth the milk. What if you could stare wistfully out the window for at least 6 seconds?  Or like me, take your coffee outside onto your patio, or sunroom, or room with a giant window, or your roof! Someplace that connects you to nature. The way you do small things tells your brain, “Hey, we matter. This day matters.”

I personally start my day with Life Is Good Mugs! Nothing like drinking out of your favorite cup! I have 7 different Life Is Good mugs that I rotate out. Each is for a different day. My yoga one is for Sundays and meditation. My hanging in a lounge chair mug is for my Saturdays when my work week is over. My dog mug is for my dog rescue days. My sunshine one, or ladybug one, or daisy one is for all those days I am ready to embrace or maybe need some extra joy in my morning!

Oooh, I love this idea. Move Like You Love Yourself!
Stretch. Wiggle. Dance to one 90s song. I’m not saying you need to do a full cardio routine at 6 am, unless that’s your jam. But even five minutes of gentle movement can whisper to your nervous system: “All is well, gorgeous.” A little yoga! Go outside! Reach up to the sky and sun, stretch and salute the day.

Now I know – sometimes in our lives, it’s not so easy. When you’re walking through grief, anxiety, illness, burnout, or just the quiet weight of everything, the idea of a “magical morning” might feel… out of reach. And that’s okay. This isn’t about pretending things are perfect – it’s about creating small moments of care in the middle of the mess.

Let me repeat that.  This isn’t about pretending things are perfect – it’s about creating small moments of care in the middle of the mess.

A gentle stretch, a warm mug, a sticky note with a kind word – these tiny rituals won’t erase the hard stuff, but they do help soften it. They give your nervous system something steady. They remind your heart that it’s still allowed to hope. And sometimes, that’s all it takes to begin again.

“When you arise in the morning, think of what a privilege it is to be alive, to think, to enjoy, to love.”  — Marcus Aurelius

Whether you are going through struggles or not at this time in your life, what if you had a Dash of Whimsy all around you? Something to jumpstart a tiny smile or a huge one?

  • Fairy lights in the kitchen? Yes.
  • A shower playlist to greet your day?”  I mean, why not?
  • A note on the bathroom mirror that says “You’re doing amaaaaazing.” Hell yes.
  • An aloha sign! A hummingbird bird feeder outside your window. A dream catcher.
    Sometimes the tiniest things are the sparkliest.
  • Say hello to it all!

Now let’s think about this for a moment. The truth is, “magical” doesn’t mean perfect. A magical morning can still include spilled milk, mismatched socks, or forgetting what day it is. But it’s magical because you showed up. With curiosity. With heart. With the intention to treat yourself gently. That’s where the magic lives.

Doing these small things in the morning doesn’t just make your morning better, it shifts your whole day. You’re calmer in traffic. You smile at strangers. You answer that email with a little more grace. You’re not pouring from an empty cup – you’ve already filled it a little. And people feel that. You feel that.

Suddenly your productivity doesn’t come from pressure, it comes from peace.
Your mood? Brighter.
Your posture? Taller.
Your relationships? A little warmer.
And your smile? Oh, it sticks around longer.

That one magical morning moment can be the domino that topples the whole day into goodness.

My granddaughter said to us at 3 years old, “It’s going to be a great day today, Gigi!” Out of the mouths of babes. So now my husband and I turn to each other when we wake up and say, “It’s going to be a great day today!”

Buddha says,
“Each morning we are born again. What we do today is what matters most.” — Buddha

Oh, beautiful listeners, I hope you got a lot to think about from this podcast. And if you know anyone who would benefit from hearing it please share.

I hope that you take loving care of yourself. Wake up gently! See the beauty all around you. Connect with Gaia, mother nature.

I hope you see the beauty in yourself both inside and out. I hope you drink lots of water, eat nourishing foods, have lots of fun and surround yourself with loving beings.

Thank you for letting me in your life this week and I look forward to popping back in again next time.

 

They Cheated On Me, Should I Stay Or Should I Go?

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Today we’re digging in on love, relationships, and all the beautiful and very often messy, messy things in between. Let’s talk infidelity. Yep, that gut-punch, world-turned-upside-down moment. You are in shock, you are hurt, you are angry, you feel terribly betrayed.

Would you believe me if I said – you can get through this betrayal, and yes, some couples even come out stronger?

Listen in and learn how!

SHOWNOTES

Hello and Welcome to A Journey to Awareness, I’m Shauna Hoffman.

Oh, today we are digging in on love, relationships, and all the beautiful and very often messy, messy things in between. I’m hoping this podcast will help you navigate the tough stuff with a little wisdom and a lot of heart.

Today’s topic? Oh boy, it’s a big one: infidelity. Yep, that gut-punch, world-turned-upside-down moment. You are in shock, you are hurt, you are angry, you feel terribly betrayed.

Would you believe me if I said – you can get through this betrayal, and yes, some couples even come out stronger?

Here is the gnawing question for most of you who are going through this right now. Should I stay or should I go? ‘Is my marriage or relationship over? Or, is there a path forward? Stick with me for just this podcast and let’s talk about how to heal, asking yourself can you rebuild trust? And in the end decide what’s best for you.

First there is the initial shock – I want you to Give Yourself Time from the minute you find out.

So, you just found out your partner cheated, you’re probably feeling everything at once. Rage. Hurt. Disbelief. Maybe even guilt. That’s normal.

Your brain is in survival mode, trying to make sense of something that makes no sense. It’s like there is a glitch in your heart. How can this be true? Here’s my first big piece of advice: Don’t rush into a decision.

Right now, you don’t need to know if you’re staying or leaving. You don’t need to explain yourself to anyone. Big one…you don’t owe your partner forgiveness, and you don’t owe anyone an answer. You just need space to feel and process.

But that question is nagging at you! Do I fight for this relationship, or do I flee and save myself while I can.

It’s typical fight or flight! FIGHT- Do you stay and work on your relationship? Or flight – do you walk away?

Here’s the truth – there is no one-size-fits-all answer. But I do have some questions to help you get clarity.

Let’s start with Reasons to Consider Leaving:

Is your partner remorseful – or defensive and dismissive? This will tell you so much about how he respects you. And also, what to expect moving forward, if you stay. Unless he has some level of remorse you have a long road ahead of you. One where you and your feelings will be dismissed. And sometimes that is a bigger hurt than the betrayal.

Next- Was this a one-time betrayal or part of a pattern of lies? If this is a pattern you can probably expect that it will never change unless they seek help. If they keep repeating the behavior with no consequences, they have no reason to change.

Ask yourself this. Do they take full responsibility, or are they blaming you? Oooh, blaming is truly the game of someone with Narcissistic tendencies. “I did this because of you. It’s your fault I cheated on you. You don’t take care of my needs.” Now. I will talk about your responsibility in a minute. But if your partner is ONLY blaming you without taking any responsibility it becomes almost abusive. And if you stay, I need you to look at yourself and your own codependent behavior.

Have they cut ties with the person they cheated on you with? If they don’t want to… there is a lot to ask him as to why. Maybe co-worker, family, friend; either way you need to find out whether they want to keep that person in both of your lives. This would be asking so much from you that I am not sure you would be able to navigate without more hurt. Many people find this to be the strongest reason to leave the betrayer.

Big one– Has there been any abuse – emotional or physical – in the relationship? If the answer is yes, HANDS DOWN LEAVE! This is a conversation for a whole nother podcast. But, I want you to immediately seek help to get away from any abusive relationship. And if you would stay I want you to have a good therapist, helping you understand why you accept ongoing abuse.

Now ask yourself… What does your gut tell you? Is your gut telling you, I will never feel safe with this person again? The deep work is to ask yourself why.

Big picture…

If your partner is unwilling to acknowledge the pain they caused, refuses to change, or keeps breaking trust – leaving might be your healthiest option. Because forgiveness is one thing, but trust? That’s beyond imperative in a relationship, it is sacred, and it is earned!

Now let’s talk about Reasons to Consider Staying and Rebuilding:

Is your partner deeply remorseful and transparent? I love this word. Transparent. Can they be truly transparent moving forward in the relationship? That means; transparent in where they are at given times, social media accounts, phones, etc. Where this becomes hard is that some people think transparency means they have to tell you all the gritty details of the betrayal. I am not one that thinks this is a good idea. In fact, it can be harmful because then you have images in your head you can’t get out. But if you DO want to know every detail just know that your healing is going to take longer because the wound is much deeper.

Another thing to ask yourself if you are considering staying is…

Was this out of character…something they regret and are committed to fixing? To me this is the crux of the reason to hope. People make really bad decisions sometimes. If it is not usually in their character to cheat, then they need to get into a therapist and work on themselves. Then you can work together on fixing it all.

Were there underlying relationship issues that need healing, and are you both willing to do the work? This is when I want you to look at the challenges that were showing in the relationship BEFORE the betrayal. I call every relationship a co-created relationship. Not that you would ever condone infidelity, but what got you both to this moment in time? Is there work that needs to be done to make sure that the relationship is so strong, honest and real that no one feels the need to look outside to fill a need ever again.

Oh, here is a telltale question…

Do you still feel love and connection beyond the pain? This is when I need you to take some time and not make any decisions. When you’re first hurt you likely don’t feel love. You are angry and wish you didn’t have to look in their eyes, hear their voice, or see their face! Remember… anger covers hurt, hurt covers sadness and sadness covers love. You have to see if under the hurt there is still love.

And lastly,

Can you envision a future where trust is rebuilt?

If your partner is taking full accountability, showing up differently, and willing to do the hard work – then staying and rebuilding is absolutely possible! There is hope!

So, let’s say you decide to stay. Can trust be rebuilt? The answer is Yes. But it’s not about slapping on a ‘forgiveness’ sticker and moving on. Trust is earned over time through consistent, transparent, and patient effort.

Here’s what real trust-building looks like:

*No more secrets. Full transparency – no hiding, no defensiveness.

*Access to devices, locations, or social media (if that helps you feel safe).

*Open communication about triggers – because you will have them. For instance, if you see a movie where someone cheats, can you talk about it. If you go someplace where the betrayer took the other person you will need to talk about it. Love letters or cards you got from your mate that you saved and now you question the truth in them! So many triggers. What are you both ok talking about to get through these? You WILL be triggered!

*Commitment to therapy. Individual or couples therapy can be a game-changer. Everyone deserves to share their voice. With a good therapist you have hope.

*Time. Healing doesn’t happen on a deadline. Your emotions will have ups and downs, and that’s okay. So, let me be clear – if your partner is pressuring you to ‘just move on’ or getting frustrated with your healing process? That’s a red flag. True healing happens on your timeline, not theirs.

Now let’s talk about Setting Boundaries for Healing

Regardless of whether you stay or go, boundaries are essential. Why? Because boundaries protect your peace and allow you to heal. These are YOUR boundaries to consider…

Emotional Boundaries: What conversations are off-limits?
Physical Boundaries: Do you need space in the house? Do you need time alone?
Digital Boundaries: Will your partner check in more, or be more transparent online?
Social Boundaries: Do you need to avoid certain places or people?

And listen – your boundaries aren’t ‘too much.’ They’re about safety. If your partner truly wants to rebuild trust, they’ll respect them.

That was all if you stayed. Now What If You Choose to Leave?

Let’s say you realize this relationship is not for you anymore. That’s okay. That’s more than okay – it’s brave.

Leaving a marriage or long-term relationship is not a failure. Sometimes the healthiest thing you can do is choose yourself. If staying would mean constant fear, anxiety, or self-doubt, then walking away is not giving up. It’s choosing peace.

If you do leave, here is a recipe for happiness.

Surround yourself with:

Support. Friends, family, therapy – lean on people who love you.

Self-care. Rediscover who you are outside of the relationship.

Forgiveness (for yourself). You are not to blame for someone else’s betrayal. Repeat that! You are not to blame for someone else’s betrayal.

The healing process will have highs and lows, but I promise – you will not always feel this way.

So, I want to leave you with some Closing Thoughts:

There are No Wrong Choices, Only Your Choice!

Should you stay or should you go? The answer isn’t in this podcast – it’s in you.

If you’re staying, make sure it’s because you believe in your partner’s actions, not just their words. If you’re leaving, know that you are walking toward healing, not just away from pain.

No matter what, you are stronger than you think. You deserve love, honesty, and peace. And whether you’re staying, leaving, or still figuring it out – you will be okay. I believe in you!

Oh, beautiful listeners, please take care of yourselves this week. Drink lots of water, get lots of rest and have lots of fun! Surround yourself with loving beings and most importantly, love yourself!

Thank you for letting me into your lives this week and I look forward to popping back in again next time.

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Shauna Hoffman is a Marriage Family Therapist and Speaker in private Practice in Santa Clarita, CA. She gives workshops and seminars in Newhall, Valencia and all of Southern CA.

FOR APPOINTMENTS

Appointments may be made by calling (661) 714-5137 or emailing Shauna@workingonme.com