Ideal Life

React or Respond, It’s Your Choice

May 8, 2024 By Shauna

I have said in many a podcast that we really are programmed. It’s as if our brain or our heart has been programmed by our past successes, our past experiences, our past communications and our past hurts. And along with all of that comes defense mechanisms. So what is a defense mechanism? It’s what REACTIONS we have created and even nurtured to defend ourselves against harm.

For instance, if someone had an abusive parent that never listened to them their usual REACTION may be to keep quiet so as not to get hurt, or leave the situation. Defending against harm. So this reaction as an adult may be to just get quiet in a fight, shutting down, shutting off or to and leave and escape the confrontation. That is not communicating or “responding” to the situation. It is reacting.

Join me today as we explore React or Respond, It’s Your Choice. Ready?

SHOWNOTES:

Hello and Welcome, I’m Shauna Hoffman. I hope you have all had a wonderful week. I have this lovely friend that was telling me about an interaction she had with a young, very reactive associate. As I listened to her I was completely in awe of her amazing communication skills. Specifically, how calm she stayed, how she listened and was not reactive. How she stated her own side of the issue with logic and not emotion. And she did it while still being true to herself and her needs. WOW! I’m not even sure I could have dealt with it the way she did. When I said that to her she said she has been working on a very important human communication skill. Responding versus reacting. Then she went on to say that this ability is what separates humans from animals. And in that moment this podcast episode was born!!

If I could help every couple get to the place where each of them could respond versus react, their relationship would change! If I could get every mother and daughter, father and son, parent and teen to do this I would happily be out of business.

So what’s the difference? Reacting is usually a more instinctive response to any situation, good or bad. There is an immediacy about it. Almost automatic. And almost always it is driven by old defense mechanisms, ingrained habits and definitely emotions. Its usually a very quick response that comes flying out of us and usually does not involve much conscious thought. It is ruled by emotion. In other words no critical thinking and definitely no self awareness.

So what is a defense mechanism? It’s what REACTIONS we have created and even nurtured to defend ourselves against harm.

Another scenario. If you had a parent that never let you win an argument, that always made you fight harder, scream louder and longer to be heard than chances are that is the defense mechanism you bring into adulthood and any argument you are having with a spouse or friend or neighbor…or or or…. in the present. That auto response to conflict is fight like hard to be heard and WIN! And that usually means you are not listening to the other person. You are afraid if you do you will never be acknowledged as right in the fight. You are reacting and not responding to every thing that is being said.

Now let’s say your defense mechanisms are not from childhood, but actually from the result of a previous bad relationship. Let’s say that you were the quiet one as a child, example one. And you married example two, the fighter and yeller who had to win. Chances are that if you finally get out of that possibly abusive relationship you become the screamer yeller for fear of ever going back to being the quiet one! You swear you will never be harmed again. So, your defense mechanism changes. Often the new mate has to look at these partners and say, “I am not him. I actually hear you, you can talk to me and share your feelings and I will hear you”.

Another scenario, the two screamers and fighters. It is like a perfect storm. A hurricane that can’t be stopped. And the hurtful things that are said cannot be taken back. Again, both are reacting and not responding. And so often when I ask them how they feel afterwards they hate the person that they become in those situations. It’s as if afterwards the awareness finally touches them. They look at themselves and don’t like what they see.

So what is the answer that will change every interaction you have? You learn to respond and nor react.

Let me be clear. I am not saying that we do not have feelings, or that we are not hurt. It is that we learn how to respond in a healthy way so as to actually protect ourselves with wisdom and not arrows.

There is a beautiful Buddhist wisdom called the Second Arrow Of Suffering. It’s a parable that teaches that being struck by the first arrow is painful. Let’s say that is the arrow that someone is throwing at you. But it’s the second arrow that is even more painful. That is the arrow that you launch that is really striking you.

Buddha says,

“In Life, we can’t always control the first arrow. However the second arrow is OUR REACTION to the first. The second arrow is optional.

Wow. The second arrow is optional. That’s what’s in our control. Are we going to cast that second arrow knowing that it is not hurting our opponent, but only hurting ourselves?

Responding and not reacting.

Take a deep breath and think about this. Responding usually involves a much more thoughtful and definitely deliberate approach. We stop. We don’t auto-respond, we stop to think and feel. We think about what we just heard, or witnessed. We become aware of how it makes us feel. Hurt. Angry. We check in with ourself. Don’t focus on them for just a second. Focus on yourself and STOP what is about to be an old defense mechanism and decide how you can RESPOND in a healthy way. Do not throw the second arrow.

It definitely takes a nice deep breath and true self awareness to see how you do want to respond and think about how you don’t want to respond. You STOP. You think about the situation. You consider what the other person is saying. In other words you HEAR THEM and then you decide how to respond. It doesn’t mean that you agree with them. It doesn’t mean that you don’t share your hurts, or your feelings, or your perception of the situation. It means you do it deliberately instead of as an auto response to what your psyche is perceiving as danger. Defending yourself against harm.

I have another podcast episode, number 41, that’s titled “I don’t agree, but I’m listening”. Now there is a novel idea, to actually listen to the other person and still disagree without letting it trigger old communication styles, or defensiveness.

Self awareness, not reacting, still being true to yourself and your needs, breathing and thinking before your respond.

Don’t shoot the second arrow at yourself.

So how do you be true to yourself in responding?

You acknowledge your hurt, or your feelings to yourself first, and then to the other person. You explain how you perceived the situation in those fabulous I statements. “I saw it this way… I was hurt when you said… I am not feeling safe with you right now. I am sorry.”

Now just because you are responding in a healthy way, sadly does not necessarily mean the other person is. I like to share two analogies with my clients. The first is the wheel of suffering.

When someone is so upset and reacting in an argument they are what I call “on the wheel of suffering”. And usually they will do everything to get you to jump on it with them. Don’t. When you are taking time to respond versus react it is your way of staying off the wheel of suffering. You can’t pull them off of it. But you have the power, with true self awareness, to realize when you are about to jump on it. STOP.

The other is what I call an hallucination. Sometimes you are in a fight and the other person is so reactive and out of control, it’s as if they are hallucinating! Well, I guarantee you that there is no healing to take place when you join the hallucination with them. Stop. Breath, Assess and respond without reacting.

The truth is that you cannot always control the other person in a fight and hope they will respond instead of react. But you can possibly keep the tornado from getting bigger. And you can definitely stop shooting yourself with the second arrow. Self preservation. Sometimes that is all that you can do. But I promise you this, you will have reached a new level of self awareness and peace by doing so. And since this podcast is called A Journey To Awareness you have taken another step on your journey!

I want to leave you with the last piece of the second arrow parable. “Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.”

As this whole season is about changing up the music to our souls, this statement says it all. At the end of the fight, how much you let yourself suffer and replay it over and over is optional. It is your choice. If the disagreement has been resolved, or even if it hasn’t, stop your own suffering. Learn from it. Learn about yourself. Learn about your needs. Listen to your heart. and then let go.

Now imagine how your life would change if you could actually learn this amazing new communication tool, responding versus reacting. Imagine how it will change your relationships your communications, and most importantly how you feel about yourself.

I hope you all have jumped a few steps today on your journey to self awareness. I hope that this next week you become more and aware of your defense mechanisms. I hope you practice responding and not reacting. I hope you honor your truth and give yourself grace.

To my listeners today, I hope you take loving care of yourself. Drink lots of water, sleep peacefully and surround yourself with loving beings. Thank you for letting me into your lives this week and I look forward to popping back again next time!

Limitless Horizons! Your Future Unleashed

April 17, 2024 By Shauna

Today we’re going to have the absolute pleasure and fun in designing your ideal future! Years ago, I did my thesis on something called the Idealized Systems Design. What it is is a system that helps you create an ideal future for yourself. And what ideal means is, it could be anything in the world you want! No conditions, no holds barred. Nothing that says you can’t do it!

We are all part of systems. We’re part of a family system. We’re part of a community system. You may be part of a work system, or a creative system, or a charity system. We live in a world built of systems. And in truth you are a system your self! Your system is made up of your body, your health, your habits, your dreams. All of this creates the life you are experiencing. So part of the fun of creating an idealized systems design is looking at the system you are in and seeing what you need to change in order to reach your ideal future.

SHOWNOTES:

Hello and welcome, I’m Shauna Hoffman. Today we’re going to have the absolute pleasure and fun in designing your ideal future! Years ago, I did my thesis on something called the Idealized Systems Design. What it is is a system that helps you create an ideal future for yourself. And what ideal means is, it could be anything in the world you want! No conditions, no holds barred. Nothing that says you can’t do it! That concept in itself is something that creates so much anxiety within us. Because we believe that there are restrictions to anything we can truly have in our future. “Oh, I will never have that kind of job, or partner, or money, or home. That will never happen”. So when we talk today, we are going to talk about creating your IDEAL future! No holds barred!

The other word that I love in idealized systems design is the word systems. We are all part of systems. We’re part of a family system. We’re part of a community system. You may be part of a work system, or a creative system, or a charity system. We live in a world built of systems. And in truth you are a system your self! Your system is made up of your body, your health, your habits, your dreams. All of this creates the life you are experiencing. So part of the fun of creating an idealized systems design is looking at the system you are in and seeing what you need to change in order to reach your ideal future.

The amazing actress Lupita Nyongo says, “Dreaming is a glimpse of the thing you want to do that would make you feel most alive. A dream is a portal to your purpose.”

Wow wow wow! I love that so much because so often we don’t feel like we have found our purpose. I know we spoke about this in another podcast. So let’s say that if we do some ideal future dreaming today, perhaps it will guide you to your purpose in life.

An ideal future is a highly subjective concept. It varies greatly from person to person based on your individual values, your aspirations, and of course your current circumstances. The best part of today’s podcast is we’re going to actually use your presence circumstances to catapult you into the future of your dreams.

So let’s talk about that for a second. So many people look at the future and see it as something totally different from the present that they are living in. What we’re going to do today is look at every part of your present system, your present life, your present knowledge, your present support system, and we’re going to see how all of that can be used to create your ideal future. We are not going to judge your present life. We are going to help you embrace it, and dissect it to see what you want to change and manifest moving forward.

OK, this is a short podcast. And normally when I do this with my clients, it’s an eight week process of exploration, introspection and excitement. So we’re gonna try to do that in the next 10 minutes.

Consider this a jumping off point. Then over the next few days or weeks you can use this as a workshop to create your dream life.

Let me first reflect back on the last five episodes of this season, which is all about changing up the rhythm of your life. I hope that by now you have realized that you don’t need to stay stuck in whatever your current life situation is if you’re willing to change it up, look at yourself, and realize you deserve it.

The amazing Maya Angelou says, “If one is lucky, a solitary fantasy can totally transform 1 million realities!”

So let’s do this! Get out some paper and pencil or pen, or a giant chalkboard and make a circle on the far left of your page. In that circle I want you to list your present life. How old are you where do you live, are you in a relationship, what is your health like, Where are you working if you’re working? Do you volunteer? Do you have animals? Are you a caretaker for anyone? Then start listing all of the personality traits that you love and are confident about in your present life. I’m adventurous, I am creative, I’m a deep thinker, I’m playful, I get stuck in the past, I am spiritual, I’m not spiritual, I am a conservative thinker, I like to think outside the box, I am a liberal or conservative or not political at all. I want you to list all that you possibly can about yourself today. I have back problems, I am really healthy, I love doing yoga, I hate exercise, I am a triathlon athlete, I love to travel, I have five children, I have no children, I own a house, I live in an apartment, I have an old beat up Volkswagen, I drive a Lexus, I drive a bus.

Normally for this part alone I have my client think about it for an entire week. You can see that it takes time to actually look at your life today and see who you are what you believe in, how you live, what you feel, what your support system is what your successes are.

So you can see this podcast is going to be merely a model for what I want you to work on for as long as you are willing to.

Now before we move on to the next part, which is your ideal future, I want you to think about this. An ideal future is a vision that encompasses various aspects of life, where an individual feels a sense of balance, purpose, and joy. It’s a future where one’s values, passions, and aspirations come together to create a life that feels meaningful and fulfilling.

What you’re going to find is some of these you already have! And some of these you need to put as goals in your ideal future in order to truly be happy.

OK, the next part normally takes one week, two weeks, three weeks to do. I want you to draw on that same piece of paper all the way on the right hand side, another circle, and in that circle I want you to list all that you dream of in your future. If you want, you can make it one year from now or two years from now or five years from now. But I want you to look at where you are now and write down what you want in your future.

I want to live on an island in the Caribbean. I want to own a ski lodge in Colorado. I want to be retired living in my current house and volunteering to rescue animals. I want to buy a farm and grow fresh vegetables. I want my company to be a $1 million company. I want to be in a healthy relationship. I want to have healed a hurt from my past. I want my body to be healthy again. I want to speak three languages. I want to work for myself. I don’t want to work anymore at all! I want to become a vegetarian. I want to become a professional salsa dancer. I want to go back to school and get my masters degree or PhD or bachelors or high school diploma! I want to publish my book, or my screenplay or start a whole new business involving something that I’m passionate about.

The trick to this circle is to have so much fun, no holds barred writing absolutely anything and everything that you want! No limitations in your thought. Forgetting anything anyone ever told could or could not happen in your life.

If you have resistance here, it’s understandable. It’s all of those voices in your head, saying you can’t. It’s not possible.

But for this exercise, see if you can push all of those boundaries away, quiet that voice and dream! Again now you can see why normally this takes a couple of weeks to really delve into. So take all the time that you need.

Next. I want you to make a circle on the top of the page. And in that circle I want you to start listing all of the things you have achieved in your life, or have in your resources already to help go after this dream of your ideal future.

I have money put away so that I can go back to school for a year. I have a supportive partner who will stand by my side while I try something new. I have a family that wants me to be happy and will support my dream. I have a degree in, etc. etc. etc. that will help me reach my goal. I have experience in dot dot dot That gives me the confidence to jump outside of my comfort zone and try this. I have faith in myself! I have an adventurous spirit. I have connections of so-and-so and so-and-so that will help me meet the right people to be successful. I have time to work on this dream.

I really want you to take some time in this circle because I want you to think through all the things that you already have in your pocket, in your resources, in your experience, that will help you get from your present state, that circle on the left, to the future circle you dream of on the right.

Now make a circle on the bottom of the page. This circle is going to be all of the things that you need to learn, accomplish, experience, etc., in order to get to that circle on the right, your ideal dream.

I need to finish those three courses so that I get my degree. I need to work more so that I build my client base to be successful. I need to go to therapy and get rid of my negative thoughts about myself.

I need to do some deep self awareness work to let go of all of my fears. I need to learn how to shut off the negative voices of those around me who don’t believe in me. I need to get my body healthy so that I can go after that dream. I need to join a club. I need to do yoga. I need to stop spending so much money on frivolous things. I need to limit my social media time. I need to get off my computer and go for a walk and think. I need to research beach houses in the Caribbean! I need to quit my job, or ask for a raise. I need to leave an unhealthy non-supportive relationship.

Do you see where I’m going with this? Begin listing all of the things that you need to acquire or learn to get to the magnificent circle on the right hand side, your ideal future.

Then the process is jumping from your present state into your knowledge state, into the future, jumping down into what you need to acquire, then adding that to your knowledge state and your present state and repeating this over and over and over until you get to the future ideal dream.

So my amazing listeners as Kaplan Charla says, “A path from dreams to success does exist. May you have the vision to find it the courage to get onto it and the perseverance to follow it.”

Take some time to really work on this. Really dig into the bottom circle of what you need to acquire or learn on this path to your future. Then once you get it, move it up to that top circle of all of the things you already have! Then add that to your present state! And as often as you can erase something in your present state that you no longer need or want or have, then feel free to jump into your future state and change something else. Our life is a work in progress. But look around you, anything is possible! I always love to remember the idea that when you plant a bulb in the ground it eventually sprouts into a beautiful flower. But you have to plant the bulb in the first place.

I do hope that today’s podcast has given you a path to your dreams. Or a way to dream in the first place. A way to kick off your own adventure to your ideal future.

Remember the word ideal means no holds barred! Again, may you have the vision to find it, the courage to get onto it and the perseverance to follow it.

Thank you for listening to this podcast this week. May you surround yourself with loving beings who believe in all of your dreams. May you drink lots of water and get lots of sleep and read wonderful books and quotes and get kisses from lots of children and puppies! May you believe in yourself and do the work to bring you into the life that you dream of.

Thank you for letting me into your life this week, and I look forward to popping back in again next time.

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