Love

They Cheated On Me, Should I Stay Or Should I Go?

April 30, 2025 By Shauna

Today we’re digging in on love, relationships, and all the beautiful and very often messy, messy things in between. Let’s talk infidelity. Yep, that gut-punch, world-turned-upside-down moment. You are in shock, you are hurt, you are angry, you feel terribly betrayed.

Would you believe me if I said – you can get through this betrayal, and yes, some couples even come out stronger?

Listen in and learn how!

SHOWNOTES

Hello and Welcome to A Journey to Awareness, I’m Shauna Hoffman.

Oh, today we are digging in on love, relationships, and all the beautiful and very often messy, messy things in between. I’m hoping this podcast will help you navigate the tough stuff with a little wisdom and a lot of heart.

Today’s topic? Oh boy, it’s a big one: infidelity. Yep, that gut-punch, world-turned-upside-down moment. You are in shock, you are hurt, you are angry, you feel terribly betrayed.

Would you believe me if I said – you can get through this betrayal, and yes, some couples even come out stronger?

Here is the gnawing question for most of you who are going through this right now. Should I stay or should I go? ‘Is my marriage or relationship over? Or, is there a path forward? Stick with me for just this podcast and let’s talk about how to heal, asking yourself can you rebuild trust? And in the end decide what’s best for you.

First there is the initial shock – I want you to Give Yourself Time from the minute you find out.

So, you just found out your partner cheated, you’re probably feeling everything at once. Rage. Hurt. Disbelief. Maybe even guilt. That’s normal.

Your brain is in survival mode, trying to make sense of something that makes no sense. It’s like there is a glitch in your heart. How can this be true? Here’s my first big piece of advice: Don’t rush into a decision.

Right now, you don’t need to know if you’re staying or leaving. You don’t need to explain yourself to anyone. Big one…you don’t owe your partner forgiveness, and you don’t owe anyone an answer. You just need space to feel and process.

But that question is nagging at you! Do I fight for this relationship, or do I flee and save myself while I can.

It’s typical fight or flight! FIGHT- Do you stay and work on your relationship? Or flight – do you walk away?

Here’s the truth – there is no one-size-fits-all answer. But I do have some questions to help you get clarity.

Let’s start with Reasons to Consider Leaving:

Is your partner remorseful – or defensive and dismissive? This will tell you so much about how he respects you. And also, what to expect moving forward, if you stay. Unless he has some level of remorse you have a long road ahead of you. One where you and your feelings will be dismissed. And sometimes that is a bigger hurt than the betrayal.

Next- Was this a one-time betrayal or part of a pattern of lies? If this is a pattern you can probably expect that it will never change unless they seek help. If they keep repeating the behavior with no consequences, they have no reason to change.

Ask yourself this. Do they take full responsibility, or are they blaming you? Oooh, blaming is truly the game of someone with Narcissistic tendencies. “I did this because of you. It’s your fault I cheated on you. You don’t take care of my needs.” Now. I will talk about your responsibility in a minute. But if your partner is ONLY blaming you without taking any responsibility it becomes almost abusive. And if you stay, I need you to look at yourself and your own codependent behavior.

Have they cut ties with the person they cheated on you with? If they don’t want to… there is a lot to ask him as to why. Maybe co-worker, family, friend; either way you need to find out whether they want to keep that person in both of your lives. This would be asking so much from you that I am not sure you would be able to navigate without more hurt. Many people find this to be the strongest reason to leave the betrayer.

Big one– Has there been any abuse – emotional or physical – in the relationship? If the answer is yes, HANDS DOWN LEAVE! This is a conversation for a whole nother podcast. But, I want you to immediately seek help to get away from any abusive relationship. And if you would stay I want you to have a good therapist, helping you understand why you accept ongoing abuse.

Now ask yourself… What does your gut tell you? Is your gut telling you, I will never feel safe with this person again? The deep work is to ask yourself why.

Big picture…

If your partner is unwilling to acknowledge the pain they caused, refuses to change, or keeps breaking trust – leaving might be your healthiest option. Because forgiveness is one thing, but trust? That’s beyond imperative in a relationship, it is sacred, and it is earned!

Now let’s talk about Reasons to Consider Staying and Rebuilding:

Is your partner deeply remorseful and transparent? I love this word. Transparent. Can they be truly transparent moving forward in the relationship? That means; transparent in where they are at given times, social media accounts, phones, etc. Where this becomes hard is that some people think transparency means they have to tell you all the gritty details of the betrayal. I am not one that thinks this is a good idea. In fact, it can be harmful because then you have images in your head you can’t get out. But if you DO want to know every detail just know that your healing is going to take longer because the wound is much deeper.

Another thing to ask yourself if you are considering staying is…

Was this out of character…something they regret and are committed to fixing? To me this is the crux of the reason to hope. People make really bad decisions sometimes. If it is not usually in their character to cheat, then they need to get into a therapist and work on themselves. Then you can work together on fixing it all.

Were there underlying relationship issues that need healing, and are you both willing to do the work? This is when I want you to look at the challenges that were showing in the relationship BEFORE the betrayal. I call every relationship a co-created relationship. Not that you would ever condone infidelity, but what got you both to this moment in time? Is there work that needs to be done to make sure that the relationship is so strong, honest and real that no one feels the need to look outside to fill a need ever again.

Oh, here is a telltale question…

Do you still feel love and connection beyond the pain? This is when I need you to take some time and not make any decisions. When you’re first hurt you likely don’t feel love. You are angry and wish you didn’t have to look in their eyes, hear their voice, or see their face! Remember… anger covers hurt, hurt covers sadness and sadness covers love. You have to see if under the hurt there is still love.

And lastly,

Can you envision a future where trust is rebuilt?

If your partner is taking full accountability, showing up differently, and willing to do the hard work – then staying and rebuilding is absolutely possible! There is hope!

So, let’s say you decide to stay. Can trust be rebuilt? The answer is Yes. But it’s not about slapping on a ‘forgiveness’ sticker and moving on. Trust is earned over time through consistent, transparent, and patient effort.

Here’s what real trust-building looks like:

*No more secrets. Full transparency – no hiding, no defensiveness.

*Access to devices, locations, or social media (if that helps you feel safe).

*Open communication about triggers – because you will have them. For instance, if you see a movie where someone cheats, can you talk about it. If you go someplace where the betrayer took the other person you will need to talk about it. Love letters or cards you got from your mate that you saved and now you question the truth in them! So many triggers. What are you both ok talking about to get through these? You WILL be triggered!

*Commitment to therapy. Individual or couples therapy can be a game-changer. Everyone deserves to share their voice. With a good therapist you have hope.

*Time. Healing doesn’t happen on a deadline. Your emotions will have ups and downs, and that’s okay. So, let me be clear – if your partner is pressuring you to ‘just move on’ or getting frustrated with your healing process? That’s a red flag. True healing happens on your timeline, not theirs.

Now let’s talk about Setting Boundaries for Healing

Regardless of whether you stay or go, boundaries are essential. Why? Because boundaries protect your peace and allow you to heal. These are YOUR boundaries to consider…

Emotional Boundaries: What conversations are off-limits?
Physical Boundaries: Do you need space in the house? Do you need time alone?
Digital Boundaries: Will your partner check in more, or be more transparent online?
Social Boundaries: Do you need to avoid certain places or people?

And listen – your boundaries aren’t ‘too much.’ They’re about safety. If your partner truly wants to rebuild trust, they’ll respect them.

That was all if you stayed. Now What If You Choose to Leave?

Let’s say you realize this relationship is not for you anymore. That’s okay. That’s more than okay – it’s brave.

Leaving a marriage or long-term relationship is not a failure. Sometimes the healthiest thing you can do is choose yourself. If staying would mean constant fear, anxiety, or self-doubt, then walking away is not giving up. It’s choosing peace.

If you do leave, here is a recipe for happiness.

Surround yourself with:

Support. Friends, family, therapy – lean on people who love you.

Self-care. Rediscover who you are outside of the relationship.

Forgiveness (for yourself). You are not to blame for someone else’s betrayal. Repeat that! You are not to blame for someone else’s betrayal.

The healing process will have highs and lows, but I promise – you will not always feel this way.

So, I want to leave you with some Closing Thoughts:

There are No Wrong Choices, Only Your Choice!

Should you stay or should you go? The answer isn’t in this podcast – it’s in you.

If you’re staying, make sure it’s because you believe in your partner’s actions, not just their words. If you’re leaving, know that you are walking toward healing, not just away from pain.

No matter what, you are stronger than you think. You deserve love, honesty, and peace. And whether you’re staying, leaving, or still figuring it out – you will be okay. I believe in you!

Oh, beautiful listeners, please take care of yourselves this week. Drink lots of water, get lots of rest and have lots of fun! Surround yourself with loving beings and most importantly, love yourself!

Thank you for letting me into your lives this week and I look forward to popping back in again next time.

68 Kick it Up, Or Take a Break, What’s Your Me Time?

April 30, 2022 By Shauna

Hello and Welcome back to a Journey To Awareness, I’m your host Shauna Hoffman. Thanks for joining me today! As many of you know, cruises, sailing, or being anywhere near or on the water is my happy place…my home away from home. I swear I was a mermaid in a past life. Or who knows! Maybe I was the Captain of a tall ship or a brilliant female pirate, like Anne Bonny. Whatever got me addicted to the water I am grateful. This got me thinking about what draws us to places to just getaway. And what kind of getaway do people crave? I ask you… Kick it up or take a break? What’s your ME time?

Ready? Let’s go…

SHOWNOTES:

Hello and Welcome, I’m Shauna Hoffman.

So first let’s break down ME TIME! because I know so many of my listeners struggle to honor themselves and take the breaks that they need to recoup, replenish, revive themselves, and breathe.

And for some of them, it’s not the “quiet time” they need. Its playtime! Remember what it means to play? That’s having fun! Being Creative! Letting loose! Kicking up your heels! Laughing! Socializing! Dancing! Believe me, playtime is just as reviving to your soul as sleeping on a beach or gazing into the waves on the ocean, or reading a book in bed.

In my two businesses, therapy and my travel biz I love to explore what my clients need to be at peace and happy. I have women who spend their days taking so much care of others that they have not even realized how exhausted or on empty they are. And yet, those same women have not had any time for fun in their lives other than playing with their kids. I have couples whose fun revolves around their kids and have not been on a vacation of their own in years. They have lost touch with all the fun they used to have before their kids were born. I have businesswomen who take their work with them on every vacation they take! They swear they couldn’t get away without their laptop or tablet. God knows what would happen if they missed an email or a call.

How is that downtime?

“DOWNTIME”…. time when you have no responsibility to anyone or anything except yourself. Let me repeat that.

DOWNTIME…. is when you have no responsibility to anyone or anything except yourself.

I love that when I looked up this phrase the Oxford dictionary says “it’s a time during which a machine, especially a computer, is out of action or unavailable for use.”

So what does this mean for you? When are you out of action or unavailable for use by others? And how much guilt would you have if you decided that you deserve that ME time?

My goal for all of you is that you answer “None! I would have no guilt!”

During what my hubby calls “The Cove Times…during the height of covid lockdown….. people experienced what they thought was downtime. Some were forced into less activity. Yet, so many others had their responsibilities doubled! Taking care of a family, home, and animals and doing this working from home! Not to mention all the stress and fear that surrounded us about staying safe and healthy. What for some was a break… for others was their own tiny hell! Downtime during “the cove times” was not downtime.

So I ask you when was the last time you made a point to have ME time? Time for just ME? When was the last time you chose yourself over everyone else?

I can almost hear the rumblings through the airwaves. “I can’t take time for myself. No one can cover for me.”

Or… “I can take the time but I won’t because people will think I’m selfish.” Really what people? If they love you they would want you to recoup. Besides, you know my saying… just tell them, “What you think of me is none of my business.” Usually, when my clients tell me this I remind them that no one else can make them feel anything. YOU are the one who is not standing up for yourself and choosing to feel guilty. You are the one choosing to not put yourself first.

ME TIME! Making a moment about just me!

Now back to my first question… Kick it up or take a break? What’s your ME time? And do you even know? When I help my clients both in travel and in therapy plan their ME time I help them look for balance. If they are going going going, physically active, then I help them see if they need time for their body and mind to relax. And what would that look like for them? A beach? A Cabin in the woods? A balcony on a cruise looking out over the ocean?

Or if they are in a world that keeps them sedentary, behind a desk, or these days on zoom calls all day do they need action, to move, to have fun, high energy to recoup the life in their life? Do they need to dance, or run, or go skiing or sailing!

I have told this story before. But when I was in the last month of getting my Master’s Degree I truly was on empty! A year and a half of school with no breaks, homework late into the night, and writing my thesis paper. Studying for my finals had taken its toll on me. It’s funny, here I was studying to be a psychotherapist and I had lost myself. Then one day I decided to practice what I was learning. Check-in… self-awareness… being aware of SELF!

It hit me. I needed to be outside! I had been indoors glued to computers for almost 2 years and I didn’t feel human anymore. So, I asked my friend to take me for a hike in the California mountains. I knew I had so much studying to do. But I also knew that if I didn’t I would not have the bandwidth to do everything I needed to do to graduate.

Se we packed up our water bottles and sandwiches and headed to the mountains. I can’t even tell you what that day was like for me. The memory of it is like a dream. I think I floated down every path, touched every leaf of every tree, listened for birds singing and stared at the blue blue sky. When we got to a trickling river I just sat there in silence. The power of mother earth to heal. The sound of water calming my soul.

I reflect on that day so often in my life when I feel out of balance. I ask myself what I need right now to feel balanced. And more than that, what I need right now to feel happy!

There’s a concept! Doing things that make us happy! Make US happy! Not others! What makes YOU happy?

So let’s do a little check-in…. every listener will answer these questions differently.

When was the last time you spent time in nature?

When was the last time you put down your phone or computer and got off all electronics?

When was the last time you talked for an hour face to face with a good friend or your sister, or mom or your partner?

That question is so important. Human contact is what so many of us lost during The Cove Times. Do you crave to be around people right now? To laugh with someone, share your spirit with someone willing to share theirs with you?

Now the opposite!

When was the last time you were by yourself? Sitting in silence with your own thoughts?

If you have been alone…when was the last time you actually listened to your SELF, checked in with your SELF instead of filling your alone time with stuff…. social media, Wordle, and Candy crush?

Now do a body check!

When was the last time you took a nice long walk, or got on a bike, or did yoga or danced? Or hiked and touched every leaf as you walked by it? Is your body craving action?

Now your mind! When was the last time you actually gave your racing mind a break? Meditated? Put down your to do list. Or just stopped adding to it? Breathed? Silence?

Or on another note…for those who have not had time to stimulate their minds, when was the last time you learned something new? Or began to write that book you have been dreaming of writing? When was the last time you touched your creativity?

All of this is the answer to balance! All of this is the question I ask my clients when we are trying to find their next ME time vacation! Are they going to Italy and learning Italian along the way? Are they going on a sail to the Caribbean and lying in the sun with a book in hand? Are they going on a writer’s retreat and kicking up their dreams? Are they off on a cruise that has it all? Food, balconies to watch the water, dancing all night, ports of calls to meet new people? Ok, truly this is why I love cruising! It has it all for whatever mood I’m in. I recently counted up how many days I have been at sea…and I realized I have now spent three years of my life onboard cruise ships. It’s my home away from home. Put this mermaid on the water and I am happy. I am at peace.

Where do you feel at home when you are not at home? What place in the world feels like you just belong?

Here is a quote I love from Oprah…

“Alone Time is when I distance myself from the voices of the world so I can hear my own”.

Everyone’s ME time is going to be different. And each of your me time needs will change moment by moment, day by day, year by year. The answer to all of the knowingness around your needs is back to the point of this podcast. Self-awareness. Checking in with self, taking your SELF off of remote control. Listening to your heart, your mind, your soul….even your own breath.

I am excited to share that I will be doing a retreat with another amazing woman, Molly Lyda on the Navigator of the Seas for three nights of ME TIME! When we came up with our dream around what this weekend would look like it all came back to the idea that sometimes we just need to say… It’s My Turn!” So that is what this weekend cruise will all be about. We will be helping each of the mermaids sailing with us to choose to look within. Choose ME.

As Molly says, “Nurturing ourselves with a get-away like this brings SO much possibility into our life! When we take the time to reflect, relax and explore on the inside, we gain clarity around our true desires and we invite more abundance in on the outside.”

I love that. We all know that when we recoup, bring balance back into our lives, and honor ourselves, then we make space for our own dreams to come true.

If you want to join us it is October 7-10, 2022 out of Los Angeles. You can read about it on my website blueoceanretreats.com. I do hope you join us.

I do hope this episode has brought you the desire to ask yourself… ‘What is it that I NEED RIGHT NOW TO make me happy? “

Kick it up or take a break? What’s your ME time?

I hope that between now and the next time we meet on the airwaves or on the high seas you honor your SELF. You nurture your SELF! You listen to your SELF! You CHOOSE “ME!”

Thank you for letting me into your lives this week and I look forward to popping back in again next time!

56 Song Therapy From The Beatles

February 27, 2021 By Shauna

Hello and Welcome, I’m Shauna Hoffman

I talked a little bit about song therapy in a previous podcast. This week I was listening to the Beatles and soaking it up! There is something about singing songs that remind you of your youth. And you know every lyric and guitar riff, and throw away lyrics. The Beatles sang about every emotion I have ever felt! Starting with “She was just 17”. I met my husband Bert when I was 17. It’s like our theme song! My mom sat us in front of the TV to watch the Beatles on Ed Sullivan knowing it was going to be a night to remember!

So I decided that today we are going to have a little Beatles Music Therapy! Then when I’m all done recording this episode I am going to shut the door, turn off the lights, crank up some tunes and dance!

EPISODE NOTES:

So there is this thing happening to so many people right now from going on a year of Covid lock downs, and fear and confusion and total twilight zone living. They are calling it Motivation Paralysis. And boy have I felt it. I am usually so motivated for everything I do. And the last few weeks, BAM. Motivation Paralysis. Down to the smallest thing that I love to do which is make the meme’s for the podcast. I was like…eh.

So the one thing that always makes me move is music. Move physically and it wakes up my heart and my soul! I get excited. I want to dance. When I was a kid and I had a bad day I would turn off the lights and dance my heart out!

Now sadly because of music rights I can’t play any of the clips of the songs today. But with the Beatles I won’t have to. I know when I start the lyric the music will take over your mind!

There are some real obvious ones to start with. And since all I talk about over and over again is Loving yourself, staying in the moment and dealing with where you are at this instant I have the perfect song to kick this off. It was originally released as a single. Written by John, and eventually was added to the Sergeant Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band album. It also appeared in their movie The Yellow Submarine and on that soundtrack.

All You Need Is Love

My favorite claim and truth lines in this song are …

Nothing you can make that can’t be made

No one you can save that can’t be saved

Nothing you can do, but you can learn how to be you in time

It’s easy

All you need is love

All you need is love, love

Love is all you need

Nothing you can know that isn’t known. Nothing you can see that isn’t shown. Nothing you can be that isn’t where you’re meant to be…. It’s easy

All you need is love

Love is all you need

Truly!!! That kinda says it all!

When I decided to start putting together this podcast I did an internet deep dive into the Beatles most uplifting or meaningful songs. And there isn’t a question that this next one was on every list or even at the top of every list. “Hey Jude”. It was interesting to find out it was originally written as “Hey Jules” by Paul for John’s son Julian when his parents were getting divorced. Though Julian was only 5, the lyrics have touched the soul of so many of us and given us hope for years.

The lyrics that get me every time are these.

And when the broken-hearted people Living in the world agree There will be an answer: Let it be…

Here are all the lyrics. Let your mind sing them!

Hey Jude, don’t make it bad.

Take a sad song and make it better.

Remember to let her into your heart,

Then you can start to make it better.

Hey Jude, don’t be afraid.

You were made to go out and get her.

The minute you let her under your skin,

Then you begin to make it better.

These next lyrics are for all of you who are suffering through these times…

And anytime you feel the pain, hey Jude, refrain,

Don’t carry the world upon your shoulders.

For well you know that it’s a fool who plays it cool

By making his world a little colder.

Hey Jude, don’t let me down.

You have found her, now go and get her.

Remember to let her into your heart,

Then you can start to make it better.

Now wait! Listen to these next lyrics. If this doesn’t scream self love and YOU are all you need then nothing does!

So let it out and let it in, hey Jude, begin,

You’re waiting for someone to perform with.

And don’t you know that it’s just you, hey Jude, you’ll do,

The movement you need is on your shoulder.

Hey Jude, don’t make it bad.

Take a sad song and make it better.

Remember to let her under your skin,

Then you’ll begin to make it

Better better better better better better, oh.

Ok now I know you are all going…naaaa naa naa nanananaaaaa!

Next wisdom song..

I think the hardest part for so many of us during this last year is not being able to be with our friends. The healing of seeing your besties, hanging with them, laughing with them has started to take a toll on so many people. Zoom can only do so much when you’re craving a hug from your best friend. But you know… we need to take the moments we can get! Here are just some of the lyrics to one that was written by John and Paul and sung by Ringo!

WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM MY FRIENDS

What would you think if I sang out of tune?

Would you stand up and walk out on me?

Lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song

And I’ll try not to sing out of key

Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends

Mm, I get high with a little help from my friends

Mm, gonna try with a little help from my friends

What do I do when my love is away?

Does it worry you to be alone?

How do I feel by the end of the day?

Are you sad because you’re on your own?

No, I get by with a little help from my friends

Mm, get high with a little help from my friends

Mm, gonna try with a little help from my friends

OK I just love this song so much. It really says it all. And for me.. Singing out of tune is my life story. But my friends don’t walk out on me! Now that is true friendship!

There is one line from Blackbird that just resonates so much with me and for all of us during these times.

Blackbird singing in the dead of night

Take these broken wings and learn to fly

All your life

You were only waiting for this moment to arise

It was written by Paul originally to address the racial strife in the South in the 1960s. Paul said later, “This was really a song from me to a black woman, experiencing these problems in the States: ‘Let me encourage you to keep trying, to keep your faith; there is hope.”

This year has been a time for people of color to truly arise. To be heard, to be truly seen. This song resonates for so many of us on a different level. So many people around the world who feel that their wings have been broken through this last year. We all need to learn how to fly again!

This year has been the most trying one in a long time for our world! I started to list them but just stopped the recording and deleted all of them. Suffice it to say that we all have made it through! You are here listening to this podcast and I am here sharing it with you. Hallelujah! ,So I am going to end the Beatles’ wisdom song therapy with this one by George! Beautiful, soulful George Harrison.

Here Comes The Sun

Here comes the sun do, do, do

Here comes the sun

And I say it’s all right

Little darling, it’s been a long cold lonely winter

Little darling, it seems like years since it’s been here

Here comes the sun do, do, do

Here comes the sun

And I say it’s all right

Little darling, the smiles returning to the faces

Little darling, it feels like years since it’s been here

Here comes the sun do, do, do

Here comes the sun

And I say it’s all right

Little darling, I feel that ice is slowly melting

Little darling, it seems like years since it’s been clear

Here comes the sun do, do, do

Here comes the sun

And I say it’s all right

Here comes the sun do, do, do

Here comes the sun

And I say it’s all right

To all of you my amazing listeners I say… Here comes the sun. We will get through this. We will take our broken wings and learn to fly! We will take a sad song and make it better. All with a little help from our friends! Because you know…All you need is love! Share this episode with any of your friends that need a little music therapy!

Now take such good care of yourselves! Drink lots of water, eat nourishing foods and surround yourself with loving beings! And maybe make a song list that you can play for yourself as you close your door, turn off your lights and dance your heart out!

Thank you for letting me into your life this week! And I look forward to popping back in again, next week.

LEARN MORE ABOUT THE CONTENT DISCUSSED…

• A Journey to Awareness Podcast: All Episodes
• Shauna’s website: https://www.workingonme.com

WHEN DOES IT AIR…
February 27, 2021

55 Fear or Anxiety? Just Yell Stop!

February 20, 2021 By Shauna

Hello and Welcome, I’m Shauna Hoffman,

“When I dare to be powerful, to use my strength in the service of my vision, then it becomes less and less important whether I am afraid.” ~Audrey Lorde

If you have ever gotten an email from me you will see that this is the sign-off quote I use.

Today we’re going to talk about fighting through your fears. Sometimes they are real life fears…survival, illness, money, job loss. And sometimes they are perceived fears of the unknown. Like fear of change or all the “what if’s” that we tend to obsess on. Or the big emotional ones like, “what if they don’t love me anymore. I’m not sure I can survive alone”. The word fear is sooooo big and so misunderstood and so confused with other emotions that often finding the tools to fight it off, or handle it or even recognize it becomes such a challenge. So we are going to knock the hell out of what fears look like and how to control it on today’s podcast.

Let’s talk first about the fact that sometimes it is not fear you are experiencing. But Anxiety! You see, both of them have the same physical response in your body. The Fight or flight syndrome. Let’s go back to the caveman days and what our body did when a mammoth was coming at us. We would either fight it or run like hell from it. Fight or flight. In order to do that your body kicked in to help. You breathe shallower to send the oxygen to the brain, the blood leaves your stomach and abdomen and is sent to your heart to beat faster. It’s then sent to your extremities to fight or run. It’s sent to your brain to think fast. And then your sympathetic nervous system kicks in and chemicals go raging through your body to help! Hormones, Adrenaline, Noradrenaline and a whole lotta other chemicals with really long names. The big picture is that you are ready to fight back or run!

So it makes total sense that we get confused between real fears and what is really anxiety. After all, our body can’t tell the difference. Except for this… with real fears, like a mammoth coming after you, once you are safe you go into what is called recovery mode. Well with today’s fears and anxiety it seems that the mammoth is never gone. It’s still stalking us. So we never recover. And our body, mind and spirit suffer. Exhaustion, depression, ulcers, stomach problems, headaches, body aches. And those just add to the fear and anxiety you already have!

What the hell!!!

So the first thing I want to help you do is differentiate if you are anxious or truly fearful. That means that you need to look at the facts! God I love that word! Facts! When we get anxiety or fear we tend to go into what I like to call a hallucination. We build on the facts of what we know and start to imagine all the worst that can come of it. So the very first thing you need to do is STOP! Stop and look at the facts about what you are afraid of. IN THE MOMENT! Not what could happen next. This means that you really need to see if the facts are valid and true for where you are and what you are experiencing. Or are you looking into an imaginary crystal ball and trying to tell your future. For instance.. valid fear.. I lost my job… valid fear… I need to see how to pay my bills. Invalid fear and future telling… Oh my God, I will never get another job like this one. Who’s going to hire me? I am going to lose my house. Oh gees, my girlfriend will leave me now for sure!

OK seriously? Do you see what I am talking about with future telling? All this person knew is that they lost their job. Who’s to say if they won’t get an even better one? Who’s to say that they won’t end up getting paid twice as much and loving it even more? But the fear cycled into dread and a huge wheel of suffering.I love to say to my clients, ”Wow, if you have a crystal ball and can tell the future you really can make a fortune! What are you afraid of?”

Now why is it that when fear overtakes us we tend to cycle into more and more fear? My best answer is because you have not yet trained your defense mechanisms into positive thinking. Yup. The old…the glass is half full versus half empty. After all, if you really don’t know the future why would you constantly choose the worst case scenario? Because you are allowing the fear to snowball out of control!

STOP! Then look at the facts and only the facts! Stick with the evidence that you have before you. And that may mean that you only have today to look at!

Today! Now that brings me to your NEXT TIP!! Stay in the present! What are the facts today? What are the good things you know today that can help you navigate the fear? Look at your support system; human, financial and otherwise! Look at the people who are there for you! Then put a plan into action. Fear will freeze you from action. Don’t let it. Come up with a plan! Look at how many times you have survived a challenge in the past! How have you gotten through it before?

But most importantly, look at you and all you have to offer the world. When fear or anxiety overtakes us the worst part about it is that we lose track of all that is true about who we are and all that we have to offer those around us and the world. Fear becomes this black curtain that stops us from seeing reality. And the worst part is that the reality that gets lost is who we are. All of the beauty that is us. All of our past learning lessons and our massive moments of growth. When we are in fear we forget. We forget the beauty and the strength that got us to today in the first place.

So the first thing to do is reach out to someone who remembers. Someone you trust who knows you. It can be hard at first because oftentimes have you been in fear and tried to explain it to someone and they jump back with all of this positive stuff that they can see but you can’t? And usually it just pisses you off.

This is the moment that we have to trust those that we love more than we trust ourselves. Listen to the people that you trust to help you get off of the wheel of suffering. Now the FACT here is that it needs to be someone who is being compassionate about your fear, not judging you, but who you trust enough to help you see through the darkness and the fear. Someone who loves you and sees all of you.

HA! And someone with really good communication skills! Because sadly when we are in fear our communication skills go haywire. And on that note I want to remind you of one big pitfall. Often when we become afraid we don’t see those around us the way they truly are. We become harsher on those we love who love us. When you are anxious or afraid, one of your biggest challenges will be to NOT throw all of your negativity onto those around you. Now let me be clear! That doesn’t mean that you don’t turn to them for help! It means you don;t turn ON them when they do. They are not the mammoth chasing you. Try and remember that.

Big picture with all of these hints is that I want you to find some way to actually become aware of the fight or flight syndrome you are experiencing and control it so it does not control you. You have to get back into recovery mode. In recovery mode you will think clearer, problem solve better and your entire mood and body will change because of it. So reach out to someone who can help you do that. A friend, a therapist or counselor. Sometimes even your dog or cat will be the one to sit next to you and drag you back to the moment! Listen again to podcast episode 50. An animal can heal your soul. The thing about our animals is that they only see you and all of your love. And sometimes that’s all it takes!

Probably one of the best books ever written is The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. I am going to let a passage of his wrap up everything I just said and then some. Enjoy!

“IF YOUR OVERALL SITUATION IS UNSATISFACTORY or unpleasant, separate out this instant and surrender to what is. That’s the flashlight cutting through the fog. Your state of consciousness then ceases to be controlled by external conditions. You are no longer coming from reaction and resistance. Then look at the specifics of the situation. Ask yourself, “Is there anything I can do to change the situation, improve it, or remove myself from it?” If so, take appropriate action. Focus not on the hundred things that you will or may have to do at some future time but on the one thing that you can do now. This doesn’t mean you should not do any planning. It may well be that planning is the one thing you can do now. But make sure you don’t keep running “mental movies” that continually project yourself into the future, and so lose the Now. Any action you take may not bear fruit immediately. Until it does — do not resist what is.”

Be good to yourself this week! Drink lotsa water, eat nourishing foods and surround yourself with loving beings. Thank you for letting me into your life this week. And I look forward to popping back in again next week.

LEARN MORE ABOUT THE CONTENT DISCUSSED…

• A Journey to Awareness Podcast: All Episodes
• Shauna’s website: https://www.workingonme.com

WHEN DOES IT AIR…
February 20, 2021

53 True Bravery is Honoring the Moment You’re in

February 7, 2021 By Shauna

Hello and welcome, I’m Shauna Hoffman.

It’s funny. In the last episode I talked about inspiration and motivation. Well hell. I am staring at my microphone not sure what I want to talk about today! I am motivated! I’m sitting here ready to go…head set on… dogs and cats locked away… but the inspiration of what to talk about today is just not sparking! So I am going to try what I told all of you to do in the last podcast. Just start! Then let’s see what happens! See if by sitting here I can brilliantly come up with the topic for today! Funny. I talk about being our genuine selves. Yet on my podcast for 51 weeks I have NOT allowed my listeners to see me scratching for inspiration! Searching for my own answers. Next week is one year since I launched the first version of this podcast. And it’s hysterical that here I am on my last week and I cannot pull a topic out of my brain.

So, do you know what I’m going to do today? I’m allowing for the possibility that no inspiration may come! Now there is a novel idea! For me it’s been a crazy month between the holidays, inauguration, trying to stay covid safe, seeing clients virtually, recording podcasts, creating memes, getting my travel business up to speed again. Oh and that emotional last week of bringing in rescued collies from China. Maybe just maybe I need a break from thinking!

Hmmmm…..So here is what I think I’m going to do! Once in a while you have to just break the mold and try something new to find inspiration. Normally for my podcasts I would always pick a topic I wanted to share…look up quotes I wanted to add and then go for it. Well, today I’m just going to break my format! I’m going to start with quotes and see where they take me… I have a list of quotes that I have been saving. So I am just going with the flow and going to talk about a few of them!

OK. This is one from Brene Brown:
“I now see how owning our own story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing that we will ever do.”

Wait…What? How perfect is this for this moment! I swear I just looked at my quotes and this is the first one on the list . This is exactly where I am today.

OWNING my own story! I say so often that we show different sides of ourselves to different people. In a professional world we show one side of ourselves. With our family and friends we show another. We wear different masks for different people and places! It’s normal. In one way it is how we conform to certain social norms. But have you ever asked yourself if there is a piece of you that you are not showing… that you want to show? Like right now I am sharing with my clients who listen and my podcast listeners that I am always not so profound! I don’t always have the answer.

Of course don’t tell my husband that I said that.

So let’s go back to that Brene Brown Quote again.
“I now see how owning our own story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing that we will ever do.”

Can you ask yourself right now is there a part of your story just for today, or this week or your life that you have not yet owned? A mask you want to take off? Are you even aware of it? Think for a moment. Is there any part of you that you are pushing down just to get through the day, week or year?

A place where you are not being genuine to yourself?

Remember for me… it was that I was trying to ignore my total inability to be inspired today. And to keep up the mask to all of you that I am such a profound healer with so much wisdom to share. Ha Busted!

Here is another quote, This one by Rita Mae Brown. Gotta love those Brown women!
I think the reward for conformity is that everyone likes you except yourself.

Now your turn. Think for a moment. But more importantly… feel. What feelings may you have that you are not honoring. And can you be brave enough to honor them? And what would happen if you did?

The most important part of this quote are the words loving yourself through that process. The truth is that we cannot be genuine to our selves…or our STORY if we don’t see ourselves with loving eyes.

It’s by looking at ourselves with loving eyes and a loving heart that we empower ourselves to do what we have to do for our true happiness. Whether it is a small thing we are doing or a large one, It is through the love for ourselves that we become strong enough… brave enough to make those changes. When we love ourselves enough to take off the masks and show the gorgeous being underneath it.

So…what in this moment…or in your life… would honor “your story” if you were brave enough to let it? Yours may be small. Or it may be large and profound. But I want you to think about it for a moment. Check in with yourself… take a moment of self awareness and think about it…

Well here we are now and I have been talking away. When I thought I had no inspiration. It’s funny because this episode kind of touched on a few things I have spoken about in so many of the episodes this year. Just last week’s episode on creativity and motivation that said motivation comes from action. And that’s what happened. I just started this podcast and the rest flowed. Then I shared my love of quotes to inspire me! I hope when I share them they inspire you. Then there is my favorite topic of all, genuine self! And lastly the most important thing of all in the journey to self awareness. SELF LOVE.

“Find the love you seek, by first finding the love within yourself. Learn to rest in that place within you that is your true home.” – Sri Sri Ravi Shankar.

Your story… your true home. Wonderful images of all that I dream of for my listeners. To share with the world your story and rest in so much peace and happiness in your home within.

Oh I hope this episode brought you permission to NOT try to be perfect in every moment.

I hope you have the most wonderful week! Drink lots of water, eat nourishing foods, surround yourself with loving beings. Ones that love you when the mask is off!

Thank you for letting me into your life this week and I look forward to popping back in again…next week!

LEARN MORE ABOUT THE CONTENT DISCUSSED…

• A Journey to Awareness Podcast: All Episodes
• Shauna’s website: https://www.workingonme.com

WHEN DOES IT AIR…
February 30, 2021

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