Relationships

Magical Mornings

May 28, 2025 By Shauna

Today’s episode is to awaken your awareness of the world all around you, the world you are a part of. How do we do that? It’s all about crafting a magical, wonderful morning. Not just “I hit snooze five times and rolled out the door with mismatched socks” kind of morning – but the kind that makes you feel like a warm cup of joy with whipped cream and just a little sparkle of wonder on top.

Wonder of everything around you. Wonder of your life.

SHOWNOTES

Hello, beautiful humans! Welcome to A Journey to Awareness, I am Shauna Hoffman.

Whether you’re still snuggled under the covers or already sipping your favorite morning brew, or you’re listening to this in the afternoon or evening! I thought I would share my new morning rituals and see if you are ready to change up your life with your own morning splendidness that will ground you, wake up your senses and maybe even sprinkle a little magic on the rest of your day – one gentle laugh, one deep breath, one intentional thought at a time. This podcast is called a Journey to Awareness. So, today’s episode is to awaken your awareness of the world all around you, the world you are a part of.

How do we do that? It’s all about crafting a magical, wonderful morning. Not just “I hit snooze five times and rolled out the door with mismatched socks” kind of morning – but the kind that makes you feel like a warm cup of joy with whipped cream and just a little sparkle of wonder on top. Wonder of everything around you. Wonder of your life.

I started a new ritual a few weeks ago that has changed my day, my moods and my life. I decided that I would not wake up and look at my phone right away. As a matter of fact, I would put it away till after I enjoyed my new morning sunshine. OK, that wasn’t easy as that phone calls my name the minute, I open my eyes. But I decided to try something new. something out of the box for me. My own magic.

I decided I wanted to take my coffee outside and say good morning to the world! No matter how cold it was! I was going outside to start my day. I layer myself in clothes, beanie on my head, scarf around my neck and take my coffee and cookie outside to my patio to be greeted by everything I see and then greet it all back! Oh, if my neighbors could hear me, they would think I am crazy.

Good morning neighborhood. Good morning plants behind me. Good morning mountains, good morning bamboo. Good morning sliver of white moon still up in the sky. Good morning palm trees on the other side of the fence. Good morning magnificent date tree. Good morning magical mystery plant that we don’t know what you are. Good morning giant majestic towering tree in the distance. Good morning lovey doveys, (the two doves that visit me every morning.)

Next, I look at the Aloha sign we have on our fence and say to the world… “Aloha!”

Then I close my eyes, and I thank Gaia, Mother earth. All of a sudden, I feel a part of it. I don’t feel like I am this human on a mission to just be my lone human with human purposes all day. I feel like part of the world around me and I feel connected. Connected to something I didn’t even know I needed.

So today as I was staring at the sky, I said to myself, I want to share this with all of you! I love this line from the Rascals.

“It’s a beautiful morning… I think I’ll go outside for a while and just smile.”

Let’s play with a few ideas that might help you fall in love with mornings.

First, Morning Magic could Start the Night Before.
Okay, I know this is a bit of a cheat. But let’s be real – future you loves it when present you lays out your clothes, sets the coffee, or puts your journal by the bed. A little prep the night before is like giving your morning-self a warm hug. And who doesn’t like a good pre-wake up hug?

There is nothing that makes me smile more and makes it easier to get out of bed than knowing I already have my coffee ready to just turn on, brew and enjoy!

And can you Wake Up to Something Lovely?
Really, You don’t have to wake up to your phone blaring a techno remix of anxiety. Try waking up to a favorite song, or even better – a light that mimics a sunrise. Your body goes, “Ah yes. I am a plant. Thank you.”

Bonus points if the first thing you see is something that makes you smile. A picture, a quote, your dog’s face. Maybe your own sleepy face. It’s a good face! If you have a phone addiction and it’s right next to your pillow and you really have to look at it, then turn on the camera and look at your own face! Or have an app like the I AM affirmation app on it and soak up morning affirmations and nothing else! No news! No emails! Don’t start texting people or reading texts. I want you to ask yourself, is it really possible for you to honor yourself for maybe a half hour every morning to create wonder for yourself the rest of the day?

Or try this!
Before you scroll, before you open the floodgates of everyone else’s lives… jot down three things, or ask yourself these three things while your head is still on your pillow…

What is one thing I’m grateful for this morning?
What is one thing I’m looking forward to today?
I love this one… What is One thing I want to feel today?

It takes less than a minute, and suddenly you’re not just reacting to your day – you’re co-creating it. Like a life artist.

“Write it on your heart that every day is the best day in the year.” — Ralph Waldo Emerson

Oooh, This could be fun…Romanticize Your Coffee/Tea/Toast Routine.

This is your own rom-com moment. Make your coffee or tea like it’s a love letter. Add cinnamon. Froth the milk. What if you could stare wistfully out the window for at least 6 seconds? Or like me, take your coffee outside onto your patio, or sunroom, or room with a giant window, or your roof! Someplace that connects you to nature. The way you do small things tells your brain, “Hey, we matter. This day matters.”

I personally start my day with Life Is Good Mugs! Nothing like drinking out of your favorite cup! I have 7 different Life Is Good mugs that I rotate out. Each is for a different day. My yoga one is for Sundays and meditation. My hanging in a lounge chair mug is for my Saturdays when my work week is over. My dog mug is for my dog rescue days. My sunshine one, or ladybug one, or daisy one is for all those days I am ready to embrace or maybe need some extra joy in my morning!

Oooh, I love this idea. Move Like You Love Yourself!
Stretch. Wiggle. Dance to one 90s song. I’m not saying you need to do a full cardio routine at 6 am, unless that’s your jam. But even five minutes of gentle movement can whisper to your nervous system: “All is well, gorgeous.” A little yoga! Go outside! Reach up to the sky and sun, stretch and salute the day.

Now I know – sometimes in our lives, it’s not so easy. When you’re walking through grief, anxiety, illness, burnout, or just the quiet weight of everything, the idea of a “magical morning” might feel… out of reach. And that’s okay. This isn’t about pretending things are perfect – it’s about creating small moments of care in the middle of the mess.

Let me repeat that. This isn’t about pretending things are perfect – it’s about creating small moments of care in the middle of the mess.

A gentle stretch, a warm mug, a sticky note with a kind word – these tiny rituals won’t erase the hard stuff, but they do help soften it. They give your nervous system something steady. They remind your heart that it’s still allowed to hope. And sometimes, that’s all it takes to begin again.

“When you arise in the morning, think of what a privilege it is to be alive, to think, to enjoy, to love.” — Marcus Aurelius

Whether you are going through struggles or not at this time in your life, what if you had a Dash of Whimsy all around you? Something to jumpstart a tiny smile or a huge one?

Fairy lights in the kitchen? Yes.
A shower playlist to greet your day?” I mean, why not?
A note on the bathroom mirror that says “You’re doing amaaaaazing.” Hell yes.
An aloha sign! A hummingbird bird feeder outside your window. A dream catcher.
Sometimes the tiniest things are the sparkliest.
Say hello to it all!

Now let’s think about this for a moment. The truth is, “magical” doesn’t mean perfect. A magical morning can still include spilled milk, mismatched socks, or forgetting what day it is. But it’s magical because you showed up. With curiosity. With heart. With the intention to treat yourself gently. That’s where the magic lives.

Doing these small things in the morning doesn’t just make your morning better, it shifts your whole day. You’re calmer in traffic. You smile at strangers. You answer that email with a little more grace. You’re not pouring from an empty cup – you’ve already filled it a little. And people feel that. You feel that.

Suddenly your productivity doesn’t come from pressure, it comes from peace.
Your mood? Brighter.
Your posture? Taller.
Your relationships? A little warmer.
And your smile? Oh, it sticks around longer.

That one magical morning moment can be the domino that topples the whole day into goodness.

My granddaughter said to us at 3 years old, “It’s going to be a great day today, Gigi!” Out of the mouths of babes. So now my husband and I turn to each other when we wake up and say, “It’s going to be a great day today!”

Buddha says,
“Each morning we are born again. What we do today is what matters most.” — Buddha

Oh, beautiful listeners, I hope you got a lot to think about from this podcast. And if you know anyone who would benefit from hearing it please share.

I hope that you take loving care of yourself. Wake up gently! See the beauty all around you. Connect with Gaia, mother nature.

I hope you see the beauty in yourself both inside and out. I hope you drink lots of water, eat nourishing foods, have lots of fun and surround yourself with loving beings.

Thank you for letting me in your life this week and I look forward to popping back in again next time.

They Cheated On Me, Should I Stay Or Should I Go?

April 30, 2025 By Shauna

Today we’re digging in on love, relationships, and all the beautiful and very often messy, messy things in between. Let’s talk infidelity. Yep, that gut-punch, world-turned-upside-down moment. You are in shock, you are hurt, you are angry, you feel terribly betrayed.

Would you believe me if I said – you can get through this betrayal, and yes, some couples even come out stronger?

Listen in and learn how!

SHOWNOTES

Hello and Welcome to A Journey to Awareness, I’m Shauna Hoffman.

Oh, today we are digging in on love, relationships, and all the beautiful and very often messy, messy things in between. I’m hoping this podcast will help you navigate the tough stuff with a little wisdom and a lot of heart.

Today’s topic? Oh boy, it’s a big one: infidelity. Yep, that gut-punch, world-turned-upside-down moment. You are in shock, you are hurt, you are angry, you feel terribly betrayed.

Would you believe me if I said – you can get through this betrayal, and yes, some couples even come out stronger?

Here is the gnawing question for most of you who are going through this right now. Should I stay or should I go? ‘Is my marriage or relationship over? Or, is there a path forward? Stick with me for just this podcast and let’s talk about how to heal, asking yourself can you rebuild trust? And in the end decide what’s best for you.

First there is the initial shock – I want you to Give Yourself Time from the minute you find out.

So, you just found out your partner cheated, you’re probably feeling everything at once. Rage. Hurt. Disbelief. Maybe even guilt. That’s normal.

Your brain is in survival mode, trying to make sense of something that makes no sense. It’s like there is a glitch in your heart. How can this be true? Here’s my first big piece of advice: Don’t rush into a decision.

Right now, you don’t need to know if you’re staying or leaving. You don’t need to explain yourself to anyone. Big one…you don’t owe your partner forgiveness, and you don’t owe anyone an answer. You just need space to feel and process.

But that question is nagging at you! Do I fight for this relationship, or do I flee and save myself while I can.

It’s typical fight or flight! FIGHT- Do you stay and work on your relationship? Or flight – do you walk away?

Here’s the truth – there is no one-size-fits-all answer. But I do have some questions to help you get clarity.

Let’s start with Reasons to Consider Leaving:

Is your partner remorseful – or defensive and dismissive? This will tell you so much about how he respects you. And also, what to expect moving forward, if you stay. Unless he has some level of remorse you have a long road ahead of you. One where you and your feelings will be dismissed. And sometimes that is a bigger hurt than the betrayal.

Next- Was this a one-time betrayal or part of a pattern of lies? If this is a pattern you can probably expect that it will never change unless they seek help. If they keep repeating the behavior with no consequences, they have no reason to change.

Ask yourself this. Do they take full responsibility, or are they blaming you? Oooh, blaming is truly the game of someone with Narcissistic tendencies. “I did this because of you. It’s your fault I cheated on you. You don’t take care of my needs.” Now. I will talk about your responsibility in a minute. But if your partner is ONLY blaming you without taking any responsibility it becomes almost abusive. And if you stay, I need you to look at yourself and your own codependent behavior.

Have they cut ties with the person they cheated on you with? If they don’t want to… there is a lot to ask him as to why. Maybe co-worker, family, friend; either way you need to find out whether they want to keep that person in both of your lives. This would be asking so much from you that I am not sure you would be able to navigate without more hurt. Many people find this to be the strongest reason to leave the betrayer.

Big one– Has there been any abuse – emotional or physical – in the relationship? If the answer is yes, HANDS DOWN LEAVE! This is a conversation for a whole nother podcast. But, I want you to immediately seek help to get away from any abusive relationship. And if you would stay I want you to have a good therapist, helping you understand why you accept ongoing abuse.

Now ask yourself… What does your gut tell you? Is your gut telling you, I will never feel safe with this person again? The deep work is to ask yourself why.

Big picture…

If your partner is unwilling to acknowledge the pain they caused, refuses to change, or keeps breaking trust – leaving might be your healthiest option. Because forgiveness is one thing, but trust? That’s beyond imperative in a relationship, it is sacred, and it is earned!

Now let’s talk about Reasons to Consider Staying and Rebuilding:

Is your partner deeply remorseful and transparent? I love this word. Transparent. Can they be truly transparent moving forward in the relationship? That means; transparent in where they are at given times, social media accounts, phones, etc. Where this becomes hard is that some people think transparency means they have to tell you all the gritty details of the betrayal. I am not one that thinks this is a good idea. In fact, it can be harmful because then you have images in your head you can’t get out. But if you DO want to know every detail just know that your healing is going to take longer because the wound is much deeper.

Another thing to ask yourself if you are considering staying is…

Was this out of character…something they regret and are committed to fixing? To me this is the crux of the reason to hope. People make really bad decisions sometimes. If it is not usually in their character to cheat, then they need to get into a therapist and work on themselves. Then you can work together on fixing it all.

Were there underlying relationship issues that need healing, and are you both willing to do the work? This is when I want you to look at the challenges that were showing in the relationship BEFORE the betrayal. I call every relationship a co-created relationship. Not that you would ever condone infidelity, but what got you both to this moment in time? Is there work that needs to be done to make sure that the relationship is so strong, honest and real that no one feels the need to look outside to fill a need ever again.

Oh, here is a telltale question…

Do you still feel love and connection beyond the pain? This is when I need you to take some time and not make any decisions. When you’re first hurt you likely don’t feel love. You are angry and wish you didn’t have to look in their eyes, hear their voice, or see their face! Remember… anger covers hurt, hurt covers sadness and sadness covers love. You have to see if under the hurt there is still love.

And lastly,

Can you envision a future where trust is rebuilt?

If your partner is taking full accountability, showing up differently, and willing to do the hard work – then staying and rebuilding is absolutely possible! There is hope!

So, let’s say you decide to stay. Can trust be rebuilt? The answer is Yes. But it’s not about slapping on a ‘forgiveness’ sticker and moving on. Trust is earned over time through consistent, transparent, and patient effort.

Here’s what real trust-building looks like:

*No more secrets. Full transparency – no hiding, no defensiveness.

*Access to devices, locations, or social media (if that helps you feel safe).

*Open communication about triggers – because you will have them. For instance, if you see a movie where someone cheats, can you talk about it. If you go someplace where the betrayer took the other person you will need to talk about it. Love letters or cards you got from your mate that you saved and now you question the truth in them! So many triggers. What are you both ok talking about to get through these? You WILL be triggered!

*Commitment to therapy. Individual or couples therapy can be a game-changer. Everyone deserves to share their voice. With a good therapist you have hope.

*Time. Healing doesn’t happen on a deadline. Your emotions will have ups and downs, and that’s okay. So, let me be clear – if your partner is pressuring you to ‘just move on’ or getting frustrated with your healing process? That’s a red flag. True healing happens on your timeline, not theirs.

Now let’s talk about Setting Boundaries for Healing

Regardless of whether you stay or go, boundaries are essential. Why? Because boundaries protect your peace and allow you to heal. These are YOUR boundaries to consider…

Emotional Boundaries: What conversations are off-limits?
Physical Boundaries: Do you need space in the house? Do you need time alone?
Digital Boundaries: Will your partner check in more, or be more transparent online?
Social Boundaries: Do you need to avoid certain places or people?

And listen – your boundaries aren’t ‘too much.’ They’re about safety. If your partner truly wants to rebuild trust, they’ll respect them.

That was all if you stayed. Now What If You Choose to Leave?

Let’s say you realize this relationship is not for you anymore. That’s okay. That’s more than okay – it’s brave.

Leaving a marriage or long-term relationship is not a failure. Sometimes the healthiest thing you can do is choose yourself. If staying would mean constant fear, anxiety, or self-doubt, then walking away is not giving up. It’s choosing peace.

If you do leave, here is a recipe for happiness.

Surround yourself with:

Support. Friends, family, therapy – lean on people who love you.

Self-care. Rediscover who you are outside of the relationship.

Forgiveness (for yourself). You are not to blame for someone else’s betrayal. Repeat that! You are not to blame for someone else’s betrayal.

The healing process will have highs and lows, but I promise – you will not always feel this way.

So, I want to leave you with some Closing Thoughts:

There are No Wrong Choices, Only Your Choice!

Should you stay or should you go? The answer isn’t in this podcast – it’s in you.

If you’re staying, make sure it’s because you believe in your partner’s actions, not just their words. If you’re leaving, know that you are walking toward healing, not just away from pain.

No matter what, you are stronger than you think. You deserve love, honesty, and peace. And whether you’re staying, leaving, or still figuring it out – you will be okay. I believe in you!

Oh, beautiful listeners, please take care of yourselves this week. Drink lots of water, get lots of rest and have lots of fun! Surround yourself with loving beings and most importantly, love yourself!

Thank you for letting me into your lives this week and I look forward to popping back in again next time.

When Your Grown Up Kids Take And Don’t Give Back

April 16, 2025 By Shauna

Today we’re talking about something that’s not just frustrating—it’s exhausting. What happens when your adult child keeps taking and taking from you, with total expectations that that’s what parents should do…continuously give with no expectations of receiving anything back. If you’ve ever felt drained from constantly giving but nervous about what might happen if you say “no,” then this episode is for you.

SHOWNOTES

Hello and welcome to A Journey to Awareness. I’m Shauna Hoffman. Today we’re talking about something that’s not just frustrating—it’s exhausting. What happens when your adult child keeps taking and taking from you, with total expectations that that’s what parents should do…continuously give with no expectations of receiving anything back. If you’ve ever felt drained from constantly giving but nervous about what might happen if you say “no,” then this episode is for you.

Oh and for the record…sometimes it’s not your own children, but you are watching your friend or family member in one of these unbelievably codependent relationships and it hurts you.

So let’s start with the idea that there are Givers and Takers

You’ve raised them, loved them, and probably made more sacrifices than you can count. But now, your adult children are still calling for help—money, time, a place to stay, a listening ear—yet when you need something, it’s radio silence.

Parenting doesn’t come with an expiration date, but at some point, the dynamic needs to shift. Ideally, the relationship evolves into mutual respect and appreciation. But if you’re stuck in a cycle where you’re always giving, and they’re always taking, we need to take a closer look.

Why Does This Happen?

There are a few reasons adult kids might not be giving back:
1 They assume you’ve got it all together. After all, you were the one who handled everything growing up. Why would you need help now?
2 They’re in survival mode. The economy, job stress, and life pressures can make them feel like they barely have enough for themselves.
3 Learned behavior. If they’ve always been rescued, they may not even realize they should be returning the favor.
4 Emotional distance. Sometimes, as kids grow up they pull away emotionally and stop considering their parents’ needs, whether it’s from busyness, guilt, or just plain forgetfulness. Yet when they need you it is of course their instinct to reach out.

But how Do You Change the Pattern so you don’t feel used? So you feel seen by them? So you don’t get caught up in an unhealthy give and take relationship where the help you are giving them hurts more than saying no? WHAT? NO???

1. Check Your Boundaries. If you always say “yes,” they will always ask. You have set up the rules. They are just playing the game. What if I say it’s okay to say no. Repeat after me: “I love you, but I can’t right now.” I understand you need help. I believe in you and know you can figure this out without me.

2. Next let’s look at the probable scenario that you don’t Ask For What You Need. We set up this identity as parents that we are the caretakers and we don’t want them to know when we are vulnerable. Well that made sense when they were children because that made them feel safe. But now that they are adults it’s time to change that behavior. Your kids are not mind-readers! Let them know when you need a favor, whether it’s help with something around the house or just a check-in phone call.

3. What if you actually switched it up and tried to teach them Reciprocity. No matter what age they are or you are, this is possible! If they’re always hitting you up for money or help, flip the script: “I’d be happy to help, but could you take care of [small task] for me first?”. And what if you ask for this help at times they have not asked you for anything? We need to change our mindset that we can’t let our children know we need things. That we are vulnerable at times. You would be surprised when you find out that your children love to help you or do things for you but you never gave them the space to do it.

4. Ok next let’s talk about you Encouraging their Independence. It’s hard, but sometimes the best thing we can do is step back and let them figure things out without us as the safety net. I love to tell parents that you can’t take your kids’ lessons away from them. And you shouldn’t! If they are overspending and you bail them out all the time you are their partner in crime in their never becoming independent.

5. Ahhh. here is a big one… You need to Recognize Your Own Patterns. If giving has been your love language, it can be tough to stop. But love isn’t just about giving—it’s about balance. And parenting is not about saving them, it’s about helping them to grow up and live their own best selves….without you. Ah that is what sometimes is hard! Many parents want their kids to need them. They are afraid if they don’t then they will lose them. Let me just say that need is not love. If you are one of these kinds of parents I want you to do some journaling on what love is.

Now, let’s talk about a common reaction—anger.

When you start setting boundaries, your adult child might not take it well. Why? Because if they’re used to you always saying yes, your “no” feels like rejection.

How Do You Handle Their Anger?
1. Stay Calm. Their anger is about them, not you. You are not responsible for managing their emotions. Again, they are not toddlers anymore.

2. Repeat Your Boundary. “I understand you’re upset, but this is what I need to do for myself. I love you, but I won’t be treated this way. I don’t deserve that anger towards me”

3. Give Them Space. Sometimes, a little distance is the best way for them to process. If they lash out, don’t engage in a back-and-forth.

4. Don’t Feel Guilty. HARDEST PART FOR CODEPENDENT PARENTS! Setting a boundary doesn’t mean you don’t love them—it means you love yourself enough to say enough is enough. Remember, their anger doesn’t mean you did something wrong. It means you’re doing something different.

When Grandkids Enter the Picture

Now, let’s talk about a next-level challenge—when your adult child uses your grandkids against you. Maybe they limit visits when they don’t get their way, withhold time if you don’t give them what they want, or make you feel like seeing your grandkids is a privilege instead of a natural family bond. Or they turn your grandkids against you.

Nothing cuts deeper than being shut out from your grandchildren, especially when it feels like punishment for something you didn’t even do. And when an adult child holds your grandkids over your head—whether it’s to get money, control the relationship, or just out of spite—it can feel like a whole new level of betrayal.

How Do You Handle This?

1. Refuse to Play Their Game. If they’re demanding money, gifts, or favors in exchange for time with your grandkids, shut it down. You are a grandparent, not a vending machine. Think about these statements.

“I love my grandkids, but I won’t buy my way into their lives.”
“I’m happy to help when I can, but my relationship with my grandkids shouldn’t depend on that.”

2. Set Firm Boundaries.
“I’d love to spend time with the kids, but I won’t be manipulated.”
“If we have an issue, let’s talk about it like adults—don’t use the kids to punish me.”

3. Be the Safe, Steady Presence. Even if they’re limiting your time, make sure that when you do see your grandkids, it’s positive and loving. Never badmouth their parents in front of them—just be the safe, steady presence they’ll always remember.

4. Seek Mediation If Necessary. If the situation is serious and you’re being completely shut out, consider family counseling or mediation. In some cases, grandparent rights might be an option, but that depends on where you live and the circumstances.

The Hardest Truth of All

Sometimes, all of this boils down to one thing: an ungrateful adult child.
Not all adult kids are like this, but when they are, it stings. If your child takes you for granted, refuses to acknowledge all you’ve done, and gets upset when you stop enabling them… that’s emotional manipulation. And at some point, you have to protect yourself.

You are more than what you give. You deserve respect, appreciation, and a relationship that isn’t based on conditions or transactions.  You cannot control other people’s behavior. You can only control your own.

Let’s write these two statements down!
I am more than what I give!
I cannot control other people’s behavior.

If this resonated with you, share it with someone else who needs to hear it. And remember—setting boundaries isn’t mean, it’s necessary. Your love is valuable. You are valuable.

Oh beautiful listeners, please take care of yourselves this week. Drink lots of water, get lots of rest and have lots of fun! Surround yourself with loving beings and most importantly, love yourself!

Thank you for letting me into your lives this week and I look forward to popping back in again next time.

React or Respond, It’s Your Choice

May 8, 2024 By Shauna

I have said in many a podcast that we really are programmed. It’s as if our brain or our heart has been programmed by our past successes, our past experiences, our past communications and our past hurts. And along with all of that comes defense mechanisms. So what is a defense mechanism? It’s what REACTIONS we have created and even nurtured to defend ourselves against harm.

For instance, if someone had an abusive parent that never listened to them their usual REACTION may be to keep quiet so as not to get hurt, or leave the situation. Defending against harm. So this reaction as an adult may be to just get quiet in a fight, shutting down, shutting off or to and leave and escape the confrontation. That is not communicating or “responding” to the situation. It is reacting.

Join me today as we explore React or Respond, It’s Your Choice. Ready?

SHOWNOTES:

Hello and Welcome, I’m Shauna Hoffman. I hope you have all had a wonderful week. I have this lovely friend that was telling me about an interaction she had with a young, very reactive associate. As I listened to her I was completely in awe of her amazing communication skills. Specifically, how calm she stayed, how she listened and was not reactive. How she stated her own side of the issue with logic and not emotion. And she did it while still being true to herself and her needs. WOW! I’m not even sure I could have dealt with it the way she did. When I said that to her she said she has been working on a very important human communication skill. Responding versus reacting. Then she went on to say that this ability is what separates humans from animals. And in that moment this podcast episode was born!!

If I could help every couple get to the place where each of them could respond versus react, their relationship would change! If I could get every mother and daughter, father and son, parent and teen to do this I would happily be out of business.

So what’s the difference? Reacting is usually a more instinctive response to any situation, good or bad. There is an immediacy about it. Almost automatic. And almost always it is driven by old defense mechanisms, ingrained habits and definitely emotions. Its usually a very quick response that comes flying out of us and usually does not involve much conscious thought. It is ruled by emotion. In other words no critical thinking and definitely no self awareness.

So what is a defense mechanism? It’s what REACTIONS we have created and even nurtured to defend ourselves against harm.

Another scenario. If you had a parent that never let you win an argument, that always made you fight harder, scream louder and longer to be heard than chances are that is the defense mechanism you bring into adulthood and any argument you are having with a spouse or friend or neighbor…or or or…. in the present. That auto response to conflict is fight like hard to be heard and WIN! And that usually means you are not listening to the other person. You are afraid if you do you will never be acknowledged as right in the fight. You are reacting and not responding to every thing that is being said.

Now let’s say your defense mechanisms are not from childhood, but actually from the result of a previous bad relationship. Let’s say that you were the quiet one as a child, example one. And you married example two, the fighter and yeller who had to win. Chances are that if you finally get out of that possibly abusive relationship you become the screamer yeller for fear of ever going back to being the quiet one! You swear you will never be harmed again. So, your defense mechanism changes. Often the new mate has to look at these partners and say, “I am not him. I actually hear you, you can talk to me and share your feelings and I will hear you”.

Another scenario, the two screamers and fighters. It is like a perfect storm. A hurricane that can’t be stopped. And the hurtful things that are said cannot be taken back. Again, both are reacting and not responding. And so often when I ask them how they feel afterwards they hate the person that they become in those situations. It’s as if afterwards the awareness finally touches them. They look at themselves and don’t like what they see.

So what is the answer that will change every interaction you have? You learn to respond and nor react.

Let me be clear. I am not saying that we do not have feelings, or that we are not hurt. It is that we learn how to respond in a healthy way so as to actually protect ourselves with wisdom and not arrows.

There is a beautiful Buddhist wisdom called the Second Arrow Of Suffering. It’s a parable that teaches that being struck by the first arrow is painful. Let’s say that is the arrow that someone is throwing at you. But it’s the second arrow that is even more painful. That is the arrow that you launch that is really striking you.

Buddha says,

“In Life, we can’t always control the first arrow. However the second arrow is OUR REACTION to the first. The second arrow is optional.

Wow. The second arrow is optional. That’s what’s in our control. Are we going to cast that second arrow knowing that it is not hurting our opponent, but only hurting ourselves?

Responding and not reacting.

Take a deep breath and think about this. Responding usually involves a much more thoughtful and definitely deliberate approach. We stop. We don’t auto-respond, we stop to think and feel. We think about what we just heard, or witnessed. We become aware of how it makes us feel. Hurt. Angry. We check in with ourself. Don’t focus on them for just a second. Focus on yourself and STOP what is about to be an old defense mechanism and decide how you can RESPOND in a healthy way. Do not throw the second arrow.

It definitely takes a nice deep breath and true self awareness to see how you do want to respond and think about how you don’t want to respond. You STOP. You think about the situation. You consider what the other person is saying. In other words you HEAR THEM and then you decide how to respond. It doesn’t mean that you agree with them. It doesn’t mean that you don’t share your hurts, or your feelings, or your perception of the situation. It means you do it deliberately instead of as an auto response to what your psyche is perceiving as danger. Defending yourself against harm.

I have another podcast episode, number 41, that’s titled “I don’t agree, but I’m listening”. Now there is a novel idea, to actually listen to the other person and still disagree without letting it trigger old communication styles, or defensiveness.

Self awareness, not reacting, still being true to yourself and your needs, breathing and thinking before your respond.

Don’t shoot the second arrow at yourself.

So how do you be true to yourself in responding?

You acknowledge your hurt, or your feelings to yourself first, and then to the other person. You explain how you perceived the situation in those fabulous I statements. “I saw it this way… I was hurt when you said… I am not feeling safe with you right now. I am sorry.”

Now just because you are responding in a healthy way, sadly does not necessarily mean the other person is. I like to share two analogies with my clients. The first is the wheel of suffering.

When someone is so upset and reacting in an argument they are what I call “on the wheel of suffering”. And usually they will do everything to get you to jump on it with them. Don’t. When you are taking time to respond versus react it is your way of staying off the wheel of suffering. You can’t pull them off of it. But you have the power, with true self awareness, to realize when you are about to jump on it. STOP.

The other is what I call an hallucination. Sometimes you are in a fight and the other person is so reactive and out of control, it’s as if they are hallucinating! Well, I guarantee you that there is no healing to take place when you join the hallucination with them. Stop. Breath, Assess and respond without reacting.

The truth is that you cannot always control the other person in a fight and hope they will respond instead of react. But you can possibly keep the tornado from getting bigger. And you can definitely stop shooting yourself with the second arrow. Self preservation. Sometimes that is all that you can do. But I promise you this, you will have reached a new level of self awareness and peace by doing so. And since this podcast is called A Journey To Awareness you have taken another step on your journey!

I want to leave you with the last piece of the second arrow parable. “Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.”

As this whole season is about changing up the music to our souls, this statement says it all. At the end of the fight, how much you let yourself suffer and replay it over and over is optional. It is your choice. If the disagreement has been resolved, or even if it hasn’t, stop your own suffering. Learn from it. Learn about yourself. Learn about your needs. Listen to your heart. and then let go.

Now imagine how your life would change if you could actually learn this amazing new communication tool, responding versus reacting. Imagine how it will change your relationships your communications, and most importantly how you feel about yourself.

I hope you all have jumped a few steps today on your journey to self awareness. I hope that this next week you become more and aware of your defense mechanisms. I hope you practice responding and not reacting. I hope you honor your truth and give yourself grace.

To my listeners today, I hope you take loving care of yourself. Drink lots of water, sleep peacefully and surround yourself with loving beings. Thank you for letting me into your lives this week and I look forward to popping back again next time!

56 Song Therapy From The Beatles

February 27, 2021 By Shauna

Hello and Welcome, I’m Shauna Hoffman

I talked a little bit about song therapy in a previous podcast. This week I was listening to the Beatles and soaking it up! There is something about singing songs that remind you of your youth. And you know every lyric and guitar riff, and throw away lyrics. The Beatles sang about every emotion I have ever felt! Starting with “She was just 17”. I met my husband Bert when I was 17. It’s like our theme song! My mom sat us in front of the TV to watch the Beatles on Ed Sullivan knowing it was going to be a night to remember!

So I decided that today we are going to have a little Beatles Music Therapy! Then when I’m all done recording this episode I am going to shut the door, turn off the lights, crank up some tunes and dance!

EPISODE NOTES:

So there is this thing happening to so many people right now from going on a year of Covid lock downs, and fear and confusion and total twilight zone living. They are calling it Motivation Paralysis. And boy have I felt it. I am usually so motivated for everything I do. And the last few weeks, BAM. Motivation Paralysis. Down to the smallest thing that I love to do which is make the meme’s for the podcast. I was like…eh.

So the one thing that always makes me move is music. Move physically and it wakes up my heart and my soul! I get excited. I want to dance. When I was a kid and I had a bad day I would turn off the lights and dance my heart out!

Now sadly because of music rights I can’t play any of the clips of the songs today. But with the Beatles I won’t have to. I know when I start the lyric the music will take over your mind!

There are some real obvious ones to start with. And since all I talk about over and over again is Loving yourself, staying in the moment and dealing with where you are at this instant I have the perfect song to kick this off. It was originally released as a single. Written by John, and eventually was added to the Sergeant Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band album. It also appeared in their movie The Yellow Submarine and on that soundtrack.

All You Need Is Love

My favorite claim and truth lines in this song are …

Nothing you can make that can’t be made

No one you can save that can’t be saved

Nothing you can do, but you can learn how to be you in time

It’s easy

All you need is love

All you need is love, love

Love is all you need

Nothing you can know that isn’t known. Nothing you can see that isn’t shown. Nothing you can be that isn’t where you’re meant to be…. It’s easy

All you need is love

Love is all you need

Truly!!! That kinda says it all!

When I decided to start putting together this podcast I did an internet deep dive into the Beatles most uplifting or meaningful songs. And there isn’t a question that this next one was on every list or even at the top of every list. “Hey Jude”. It was interesting to find out it was originally written as “Hey Jules” by Paul for John’s son Julian when his parents were getting divorced. Though Julian was only 5, the lyrics have touched the soul of so many of us and given us hope for years.

The lyrics that get me every time are these.

And when the broken-hearted people Living in the world agree There will be an answer: Let it be…

Here are all the lyrics. Let your mind sing them!

Hey Jude, don’t make it bad.

Take a sad song and make it better.

Remember to let her into your heart,

Then you can start to make it better.

Hey Jude, don’t be afraid.

You were made to go out and get her.

The minute you let her under your skin,

Then you begin to make it better.

These next lyrics are for all of you who are suffering through these times…

And anytime you feel the pain, hey Jude, refrain,

Don’t carry the world upon your shoulders.

For well you know that it’s a fool who plays it cool

By making his world a little colder.

Hey Jude, don’t let me down.

You have found her, now go and get her.

Remember to let her into your heart,

Then you can start to make it better.

Now wait! Listen to these next lyrics. If this doesn’t scream self love and YOU are all you need then nothing does!

So let it out and let it in, hey Jude, begin,

You’re waiting for someone to perform with.

And don’t you know that it’s just you, hey Jude, you’ll do,

The movement you need is on your shoulder.

Hey Jude, don’t make it bad.

Take a sad song and make it better.

Remember to let her under your skin,

Then you’ll begin to make it

Better better better better better better, oh.

Ok now I know you are all going…naaaa naa naa nanananaaaaa!

Next wisdom song..

I think the hardest part for so many of us during this last year is not being able to be with our friends. The healing of seeing your besties, hanging with them, laughing with them has started to take a toll on so many people. Zoom can only do so much when you’re craving a hug from your best friend. But you know… we need to take the moments we can get! Here are just some of the lyrics to one that was written by John and Paul and sung by Ringo!

WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM MY FRIENDS

What would you think if I sang out of tune?

Would you stand up and walk out on me?

Lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song

And I’ll try not to sing out of key

Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends

Mm, I get high with a little help from my friends

Mm, gonna try with a little help from my friends

What do I do when my love is away?

Does it worry you to be alone?

How do I feel by the end of the day?

Are you sad because you’re on your own?

No, I get by with a little help from my friends

Mm, get high with a little help from my friends

Mm, gonna try with a little help from my friends

OK I just love this song so much. It really says it all. And for me.. Singing out of tune is my life story. But my friends don’t walk out on me! Now that is true friendship!

There is one line from Blackbird that just resonates so much with me and for all of us during these times.

Blackbird singing in the dead of night

Take these broken wings and learn to fly

All your life

You were only waiting for this moment to arise

It was written by Paul originally to address the racial strife in the South in the 1960s. Paul said later, “This was really a song from me to a black woman, experiencing these problems in the States: ‘Let me encourage you to keep trying, to keep your faith; there is hope.”

This year has been a time for people of color to truly arise. To be heard, to be truly seen. This song resonates for so many of us on a different level. So many people around the world who feel that their wings have been broken through this last year. We all need to learn how to fly again!

This year has been the most trying one in a long time for our world! I started to list them but just stopped the recording and deleted all of them. Suffice it to say that we all have made it through! You are here listening to this podcast and I am here sharing it with you. Hallelujah! ,So I am going to end the Beatles’ wisdom song therapy with this one by George! Beautiful, soulful George Harrison.

Here Comes The Sun

Here comes the sun do, do, do

Here comes the sun

And I say it’s all right

Little darling, it’s been a long cold lonely winter

Little darling, it seems like years since it’s been here

Here comes the sun do, do, do

Here comes the sun

And I say it’s all right

Little darling, the smiles returning to the faces

Little darling, it feels like years since it’s been here

Here comes the sun do, do, do

Here comes the sun

And I say it’s all right

Little darling, I feel that ice is slowly melting

Little darling, it seems like years since it’s been clear

Here comes the sun do, do, do

Here comes the sun

And I say it’s all right

Here comes the sun do, do, do

Here comes the sun

And I say it’s all right

To all of you my amazing listeners I say… Here comes the sun. We will get through this. We will take our broken wings and learn to fly! We will take a sad song and make it better. All with a little help from our friends! Because you know…All you need is love! Share this episode with any of your friends that need a little music therapy!

Now take such good care of yourselves! Drink lots of water, eat nourishing foods and surround yourself with loving beings! And maybe make a song list that you can play for yourself as you close your door, turn off your lights and dance your heart out!

Thank you for letting me into your life this week! And I look forward to popping back in again, next week.

LEARN MORE ABOUT THE CONTENT DISCUSSED…

• A Journey to Awareness Podcast: All Episodes
• Shauna’s website: https://www.workingonme.com

WHEN DOES IT AIR…
February 27, 2021

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