Relationships

You’re Not Imagining It! Gaslighting in Relationships and Power

January 28, 2026 By Shauna

Hello, I’m Shauna Hoffman and Welcome back to A Journey to Awareness. The podcast where we slow things down, get curious, and learn how to see ourselves—and the world—more clearly.

I had taken a hiatus to rethink what my next season would be, and wanted to give you a little preview of what will be airing, starting late Spring.

I have so many people struggling right now both in their personal relationships and with what is happening in our country. And I have realized that it is actually the same psychological phenomenon that’s triggering them.

This deeply damaging phenomenon is called **gaslighting**.

You’ve probably heard it in conversations about relationships, families, workplaces—and now increasingly, in politics. But what is gaslighting really?

Listen in to find out!

SHOWNOTES

Hello, I’m Shauna Hoffman and Welcome back to *A Journey to Awareness*. The podcast where we slow things down, get curious, and learn how to see ourselves—and the world—more clearly.

I had taken a hiatus to rethink what my next season would be. But I have so many people struggling right now both in their personal relationships and with what is happening in our country.

And I have realized that it is actually the same psychological phenomenon that’s triggering them.

This deeply damaging phenomenon is called **gaslighting**.

You’ve probably heard it in conversations about relationships, families, workplaces—and now increasingly, in politics. But what *is* gaslighting really?

Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation where someone causes you to **doubt your own reality**.

Not just your opinions—but your *memory of a situation*, your *perception* of a situation, what you see with your very own eyes, and eventually your *judgment*.

Here is an example. You bring up a scenario you need to discuss with someone, usually a partner and they say to you..

“That never happened.”
“You’re remembering it wrong, I never said or did that..

* “Oh give me a break, You’re too sensitive.”

“Come on.. stop overreacting.
“There is something wrong with you if you are even believing that”

Here is what is so scary, their goal isn’t just to win the argument,

Their goal is to have power over you.

When someone successfully gaslights you, you start asking yourself:

* *Am I crazy?*

* *Wait. Did I imagine that?*

* *I guess…maybe… it really was my fault.*

When clients first describe these discussions in their relationship they rarely use the word gaslighting. They say things like, “I don’t trust myself anymore,” or “I just feel so confused all the time.”

That confusion is often my clue to dig in to see if I can find the truth for them when they can no longer find it for themselves. You see truths are facts. But when you get gaslit enough you start to lose track of the truth and you start to see the world through their false reality. And when the goal of their reality is one to overpower you, or weaken you… I need to help you find your way back home again.

It’s interesting. Gaslighting often happens slowly. Quietly. It’s rarely one big moment. It’s a pattern—small enough to dismiss at the beginning, frequent enough to erode all the trust you have in yourself.

And here’s the key thing to understand:

Gaslighting only works when the gaslighter positions themselves as the authority on reality.

Gaslighting shows up most often in close relationships—most often with romantic partners. Because proximity creates influence and authority. But it is now happening in our country when we see a clip on the news and then we are told we are not seeing what we know we just watched.

Ok, let’s first talk about Gaslighting in Couples…but feel free to see if it is happening in any other relationship you have, family, a boss, or as I said…with what’s going on in the US right now.

Here are some common examples in relationships:

You discover flirtatious texts or DMs and hear, “You’re imagining things. What are you doing looking at my private texts? You’re always so paranoid.”

It could be a forgotten promise they made to you which becomes, “I never said that—you just assumed. God, you’re so selfish.”
You may express a hurt and then you’re told, “You’re too sensitive. Anyone else would be fine with this. But you have to make everything about yourself don’t you?”
You try to set a boundary and you get labeled “controlling” or I love this one…“dramatic.”.

You feel uneasy about repeated behavior and bring it up. They say things like “That’s your anxiety talking, not reality. You’re crazy. This is a you problem, not my problem”*

The most frustrating is when you’re having a fight, they say something to you and you react to it and they insist they never said….what you just heard! You are like… OK What is going on? Is this the twilight zone? Am I losing my mind?

Over time, the focus shifts away from their behavior and onto your reaction. You start monitoring your tone, your words, your emotions—while the original issue goes untouched.

They have you trained!

It’s interesting. Gaslighting in relationships can hide behind humor, charm, or a false concern for you. It can sound loving on the surface while being deeply invalidating underneath. And that word is the one most important word in regard to a person’s self worth. You are Invalidated. You are not worthy. You and your needs become invisible.

In my work with couples, I often see one partner slowly stop bringing things up—not because the issue disappeared, but because it feels safer to stay quiet than to be told they’re wrong again. They are slowly shrinking.

Now, how does this manifest in your body? What does the Body Feel like When You’re Being Gaslit.

See the thing is, Gaslighting isn’t just psychological—it’s physiological.

Your body often knows before your mind does.

You may start to feel:

* Tightness in the chest or throat

* A knot in your stomach

* You Feel suddenly small or frozen (which by the way is exactly what they want you to feel)

You have increased anxiety before your conversations- Again, they want you to Fear them. It’s their way of having power over you

* You start having Brain fog or difficulty recalling details

* And you have an overall sense of dread anytime you have to bring something up

Next thing you find yourself:

* Over-explaining

Apologizing excessively
Replaying conversations in your mind to “get it right” before you speak about the issue.

* You start feeling confused but you don’t know why

This happens because gaslighting activates the nervous system.

When your reality is questioned, your body goes into **threat response**. Fight, flight or freeze. And when that threat is ongoing, the body stays in one of those three responses. And usually it’s FREEZE..

Please listen to me.

Confusion is not a personality flaw.

It’s often a trauma response to chronic invalidation.

Let me say that again…. Confusion is not a personality flaw.

It’s often a trauma response to chronic invalidation.

When someone shares these symptoms with me I listen closely. It almost always signals a person who doesn’t feel safe.

So, why is Gaslighting Is so effective?

Gaslighting works because human beings are wired for connection.

We want to believe the people we love.

We want harmony.

We want to belong.

And our brains don’t like uncertainty.

So when someone confidently insists that *your reality is wrong*, your nervous system often chooses safety over truth.

Now let’s widen the lens.

And let’s talk for a moment about what brought me to do this podcast at this moment in time and come out of my podcast break!

It is the Gaslighting that is happening to citizens in the U.S. today.

At this point in history, gaslighting isn’t just personal—it’s **systemic**.

In today’s news cycle, we’re seeing blatant gaslighting when:

Documented events are denied despite video or audio evidence! We are being told that what we are seeing with our own eyes is not true…or real.

Shifting narratives are presented as if they were always true, In other words the narrative of events keeps shifting as you are seeing facts that the politician doesn’t want you to believe. And then they try to make you believe that what they are telling you now was the “truth” all along! You just misinterpreted it.

Entire groups of people are being told their lived experiences are exaggerated or fake!

And this is Gaslighting at its most manipulative and most dangerous.

* People asking legitimate questions of our government are reframed as being disloyal or hysterical.

This underlying message is profound and very scary for our country:

*”Don’t trust what you see. Don’t trust what you feel. Don’t trust anyone but us.*

This is mass gaslighting.

What I am seeing with friends, clients and the citizens of this country on both sides of the aisle is that when reality is constantly being rewritten, people become exhausted, polarized, and emotionally flooded.

And here’s the dangerous part:

When reality feels unstable, people cling to certainty—even if it’s false. The Gaslighter wins.

Gaslighting in politics isn’t about persuasion.

It’s about **disorientation**.

A disoriented public is easier to control. Let me say that again. A disoriented public is easier to control.

So let’s be clear.

Gaslighting is gaslighting. Whether it is being done to you personally or you are seeing it en masse all around you.

So what do we do to remind ourselves of our own reality and our own truth? How do we break the spell?

We do it with AWARENESS. With anchoring back into reality.

Here are a few grounding principles:

Your feelings are data. TRUST THEM

Patterns matter more than isolated incidents. In other words be AWARE if there is a pattern of gaslighting from a certain person or entity.

Your Reality does not require someone else’s permission. You have a right to own your own perceptions and reality.

* Confusion is often a sign of manipulation—not weakness.

“Awareness restores your agency” What does that means?

When you become aware of what’s actually happening—especially in situations like gaslighting—you regain the ability to choose instead of just react.

Gaslighting takes away your agency by making you doubt yourself.
*You stop trusting your memory.
*You second-guess your instincts.
*You look to someone else to tell you what’s real.

Awareness interrupts that.

When you can name, “This is gaslighting,” something shifts:

You realize the confusion isn’t because you’re broken.
You stop trying to convince the other person.
You start listening to your own internal signals again. You gain back your agency.

Agency is your capacity to think, feel, decide, and act on your own behalf.

Gaslighting—whether in a relationship or to a nation—disconnects us from ourselves.

And it is self awareness that reconnects us again.

Healing often begins the moment someone realizes, “It wasn’t that I was broken. It’s that my reality kept being challenged. And you know what? I’m not crazy!.”

You’re not broken for feeling confused.

You’re not weak for questioning.

And best of all reclaiming your sense of reality is the most powerful act you can do for your self worth, and your sanity.

I love this quote by Tracy Malone

“The healing doesn’t happen in the rewind. It happens in the pause. In the breath. In the moment you choose yourself again.”

Oh beautiful listeners. Thank you for listening today. Please be good to yourself. Honor your own reality over others. Stay true to your beliefs, your morals, ethics and values no matter who you are with or what you are being told. Honor your body! Drink lots of water, eat nourishing food and please surround yourself with loving beings.

Thank you for letting me into your lives this week. And I look forward to popping back in again next time.

It’s Not The Relationship. It’s The Missing Piece Inside Yourself

June 11, 2025 By Shauna

Today we’re gonna talk about something that is extremely common and also can be very enlightening. You are in a relationship and something in you feels off. You feel tired, you’re drained. You might have some level of depression. There is something that’s missing in you and you don’t know why. You might find yourself crying for no reason. You’re getting short with the person you’re supposed to love. And all of a sudden you begin to wonder, am I unhappy because of them? You start imagining leaving them. Maybe that will fix it. Maybe once you’re free of this person, once you are free of the weight of this relationship, then the sadness, and the emptiness will lift.

Well, what happens when you leave and the weight is still there? Guess what? It was never the person in the first place. It was the part of you that you’ve been ignoring! You weren’t sad because they weren’t enough. You were sad because you weren’t enough! You weren’t enough for yourself! Let me say that again… you weren’t sad because they weren’t enough. You were sad because you weren’t enough for yourself!

SHOWNOTES

Hello and welcome, I’m Shauna Hoffman. Today we’re gonna talk about something that is extremely common and also can be very enlightening. You are in a relationship and something in you feels off. You feel tired, you’re drained. You might have some level of depression. There is something that’s missing in you and you don’t know why. You might find yourself crying for no reason. You’re getting short with the person you’re supposed to love. And all of a sudden you begin to wonder, am I unhappy because of them? You start imagining leaving them. Maybe that will fix it. Maybe once you’re free of this person, once you are free of the weight of this relationship, then the sadness, and the emptiness will lift.

Could it be that when you entered into this relationship you stopped chasing your dream! You buried your ambition in the soft comfort of the relationship and then you got mad at the other person when it didn’t fill the hole in your soul? Maybe your dream was music or writing, starting that nonprofit, going back to school, traveling, opening that amazing bookstore that you always talked about. For whatever reason you didn’t follow that dream and now you think what is missing is in the relationship when what is really missing is a longing deep within you.

Wow this realization can hit like a wave. You’re not heartbroken because the relationship is wrong. You’re restless because you’re off course. Here is a fact! Your soul doesn’t care who’s next to you in bed If you’re not waking up to something that lights your own fire. When we don’t find what sparks us, we project our disappointment on the people closest to us. And often it’s our partners that bear the weight.

So what now? You don’t have to blow up your relationship. You don’t need to walk out. But you do need to walk toward something! Pick up that dream and dust it off. Look your partner in the eye and say I have been thinking about the fact that I’ve blamed you for something that’s actually about me. I wanna find my spark again. I need to find my spark again and I hope you’ll support me! And if they are the right person they will. Because it was never about escaping them, it was about returning to you.

One of my clients asked me how do we do that if we don’t know what our passion is. We don’t know what our spark is. We have been so involved in being a mom or a dad, paying the bills or filling the roles that other people want that we really have no idea what little message is gnawing at us wanting to be brought to life.

It’s perfectly normal to be unsure. I’ll give you a personal example. Before I became a therapist. I had a thriving cruise business, theater company, happy marriage. But then all of a sudden I felt like something was missing. I started to blame everything around me for my unhappiness instead of realizing that there was a piece inside me that I wasn’t listening to.

First of all, I’m going to say that I think there are so many sides of our personality, our dreams. I loved owning my own business, working for myself. I loved to travel. I had fulfilled that by starting a theater company that I could actually take on cruise ships because I love the ocean. I love being on the water. But then I realized that everything was about me and I needed a way to give back. At that point I was producing videos on A Course in Miracles with Marianne Williamson, so spirituality and spiritual psychotherapy was fascinating to me. But I still wasn’t giving back one on one. So I searched and searched for a place to volunteer and decided to start tutoring children struggling to learn how to read.

Then one day I was tutoring this 12 year old boy and I realized that I was working really hard to get him to believe in himself. We were spending time in front of a mirror saying, Repeat after me. I’m smart. I’m smart. I’m smart. I can do this. His parents were very cruel and put this little boy down so much that he had no belief in himself. And all of a sudden I realized I wasn’t tutoring him, I was doing therapy with him! And that’s when it hit me. I think I wanna become a therapist. So owning a business, having a life filled with husband and animals, travel and acting, writing, directing, and everything that I was doing I still decided to go back and get my master’s degree. I knew it was going to be a long haul and I hadn’t been back in school in 12 years, but I did it anyway. I decided to take it day by day and see if this would fulfill my soul. And now here I am… it did.

Now I have so many different businesses it’s ridiculous. I have a Therapy business. I have a podcast. I have a travel business. I have a speaker trainer business, I have a theater company, I rescue collies and I love all of it and now every piece of me is being honored.

Ok, enough about me…the point is you might not know where your passion is leading you or what your passion even is!

But I’m gonna tell you this. You’re not behind! You’re on a path! Each step that I took, each revelation that I had, brought me to a different experience. And each different experience helped me realize what my heart was longing for. And in the end, it was never about being happy with my relationship, my home, the town I lived in. There was nothing I needed to escape from. What I needed to do was go towards something! Not leave anything behind, but move towards something on a path that would bring me happiness.

I know there are many of you that have no idea what your passion or purpose is. First of all, I’m gonna say your purpose and your passion might not be the same thing. And because of that, it’s a whole ‘nother podcast and subject to delve into. So for now I wanna bring it all back to what we started to talk about. And that is, that often times when we feel like something is missing in our relationship. It might not be the relationship. It’s something that’s missing inside of you.

Ask yourself… What piece of me feels empty? Am I sharing myself with the world in ways that bring me joy? Is there something about myself that I am longing for? Something to learn? Something to do? Something to share? Then sit back and listen! Listen to your heart! Journal about what you dreamt of as a child? Look around you and see what makes you happy! Do you want to go back to school? Write a novel? Or just learn how to grow roses? I love this idea…Go to a bookstore and peruse the magazine section and see which one you want to pick up! Photography? Gardening! Astronomy? Hiking? A magazine on reptiles or dogs or llamas!

Follow Your Energy

As yourself: When do I feel most alive? What tasks feel like a “yes”?

2. Look Backward

Childhood clues — what did you love before people told you what you “should” do?

3. Explore Without Commitment

Try a class, volunteer, shadow someone, dabble.

4. Journal Prompts to Reflect On

What would I do if I knew I couldn’t fail?
What do people ask me for help with?
What have I always secretly wanted to try?
I like this one. What do you feel slightly jealous of that someone else is doing? This is a great clue as to what you long for in your life!

My friend Marianne Williamson says “When we are centered in joy, we attain our wisdom.”

And I want to take that a step further and say …when we are centered in the wisdom of our soul, we will find true joy.

Again…when we are centered in the wisdom of our soul, we will find true joy.

Oh beautiful listeners, take tiny steps to find what touches you deep inside! It will be your next step on your glorious journey to self awareness!

I hope this episode has sparked something in you that you didn’t know was missing, or was hiding in the deep spaces of your heart. I hope this helps you continue on your journey! I hope you do so with gentle kindness towards yourself!

Please take wonderful care of yourself! Eat nourishing foods, drink lots of water and surround yourself with loving beings.

Once again, thank you for letting me into your lives this week and I look forward to popping back in again…next time!

Magical Mornings

May 28, 2025 By Shauna

Today’s episode is to awaken your awareness of the world all around you, the world you are a part of. How do we do that? It’s all about crafting a magical, wonderful morning. Not just “I hit snooze five times and rolled out the door with mismatched socks” kind of morning – but the kind that makes you feel like a warm cup of joy with whipped cream and just a little sparkle of wonder on top.

Wonder of everything around you. Wonder of your life.

SHOWNOTES

Hello, beautiful humans! Welcome to A Journey to Awareness, I am Shauna Hoffman.

Whether you’re still snuggled under the covers or already sipping your favorite morning brew, or you’re listening to this in the afternoon or evening! I thought I would share my new morning rituals and see if you are ready to change up your life with your own morning splendidness that will ground you, wake up your senses and maybe even sprinkle a little magic on the rest of your day – one gentle laugh, one deep breath, one intentional thought at a time. This podcast is called a Journey to Awareness. So, today’s episode is to awaken your awareness of the world all around you, the world you are a part of.

How do we do that? It’s all about crafting a magical, wonderful morning. Not just “I hit snooze five times and rolled out the door with mismatched socks” kind of morning – but the kind that makes you feel like a warm cup of joy with whipped cream and just a little sparkle of wonder on top. Wonder of everything around you. Wonder of your life.

I started a new ritual a few weeks ago that has changed my day, my moods and my life. I decided that I would not wake up and look at my phone right away. As a matter of fact, I would put it away till after I enjoyed my new morning sunshine. OK, that wasn’t easy as that phone calls my name the minute, I open my eyes. But I decided to try something new. something out of the box for me. My own magic.

I decided I wanted to take my coffee outside and say good morning to the world! No matter how cold it was! I was going outside to start my day. I layer myself in clothes, beanie on my head, scarf around my neck and take my coffee and cookie outside to my patio to be greeted by everything I see and then greet it all back! Oh, if my neighbors could hear me, they would think I am crazy.

Good morning neighborhood. Good morning plants behind me. Good morning mountains, good morning bamboo. Good morning sliver of white moon still up in the sky. Good morning palm trees on the other side of the fence. Good morning magnificent date tree. Good morning magical mystery plant that we don’t know what you are. Good morning giant majestic towering tree in the distance. Good morning lovey doveys, (the two doves that visit me every morning.)

Next, I look at the Aloha sign we have on our fence and say to the world… “Aloha!”

Then I close my eyes, and I thank Gaia, Mother earth. All of a sudden, I feel a part of it. I don’t feel like I am this human on a mission to just be my lone human with human purposes all day. I feel like part of the world around me and I feel connected. Connected to something I didn’t even know I needed.

So today as I was staring at the sky, I said to myself, I want to share this with all of you! I love this line from the Rascals.

“It’s a beautiful morning… I think I’ll go outside for a while and just smile.”

Let’s play with a few ideas that might help you fall in love with mornings.

First, Morning Magic could Start the Night Before.
Okay, I know this is a bit of a cheat. But let’s be real – future you loves it when present you lays out your clothes, sets the coffee, or puts your journal by the bed. A little prep the night before is like giving your morning-self a warm hug. And who doesn’t like a good pre-wake up hug?

There is nothing that makes me smile more and makes it easier to get out of bed than knowing I already have my coffee ready to just turn on, brew and enjoy!

And can you Wake Up to Something Lovely?
Really, You don’t have to wake up to your phone blaring a techno remix of anxiety. Try waking up to a favorite song, or even better – a light that mimics a sunrise. Your body goes, “Ah yes. I am a plant. Thank you.”

Bonus points if the first thing you see is something that makes you smile. A picture, a quote, your dog’s face. Maybe your own sleepy face. It’s a good face! If you have a phone addiction and it’s right next to your pillow and you really have to look at it, then turn on the camera and look at your own face! Or have an app like the I AM affirmation app on it and soak up morning affirmations and nothing else! No news! No emails! Don’t start texting people or reading texts. I want you to ask yourself, is it really possible for you to honor yourself for maybe a half hour every morning to create wonder for yourself the rest of the day?

Or try this!
Before you scroll, before you open the floodgates of everyone else’s lives… jot down three things, or ask yourself these three things while your head is still on your pillow…

What is one thing I’m grateful for this morning?
What is one thing I’m looking forward to today?
I love this one… What is One thing I want to feel today?

It takes less than a minute, and suddenly you’re not just reacting to your day – you’re co-creating it. Like a life artist.

“Write it on your heart that every day is the best day in the year.” — Ralph Waldo Emerson

Oooh, This could be fun…Romanticize Your Coffee/Tea/Toast Routine.

This is your own rom-com moment. Make your coffee or tea like it’s a love letter. Add cinnamon. Froth the milk. What if you could stare wistfully out the window for at least 6 seconds? Or like me, take your coffee outside onto your patio, or sunroom, or room with a giant window, or your roof! Someplace that connects you to nature. The way you do small things tells your brain, “Hey, we matter. This day matters.”

I personally start my day with Life Is Good Mugs! Nothing like drinking out of your favorite cup! I have 7 different Life Is Good mugs that I rotate out. Each is for a different day. My yoga one is for Sundays and meditation. My hanging in a lounge chair mug is for my Saturdays when my work week is over. My dog mug is for my dog rescue days. My sunshine one, or ladybug one, or daisy one is for all those days I am ready to embrace or maybe need some extra joy in my morning!

Oooh, I love this idea. Move Like You Love Yourself!
Stretch. Wiggle. Dance to one 90s song. I’m not saying you need to do a full cardio routine at 6 am, unless that’s your jam. But even five minutes of gentle movement can whisper to your nervous system: “All is well, gorgeous.” A little yoga! Go outside! Reach up to the sky and sun, stretch and salute the day.

Now I know – sometimes in our lives, it’s not so easy. When you’re walking through grief, anxiety, illness, burnout, or just the quiet weight of everything, the idea of a “magical morning” might feel… out of reach. And that’s okay. This isn’t about pretending things are perfect – it’s about creating small moments of care in the middle of the mess.

Let me repeat that. This isn’t about pretending things are perfect – it’s about creating small moments of care in the middle of the mess.

A gentle stretch, a warm mug, a sticky note with a kind word – these tiny rituals won’t erase the hard stuff, but they do help soften it. They give your nervous system something steady. They remind your heart that it’s still allowed to hope. And sometimes, that’s all it takes to begin again.

“When you arise in the morning, think of what a privilege it is to be alive, to think, to enjoy, to love.” — Marcus Aurelius

Whether you are going through struggles or not at this time in your life, what if you had a Dash of Whimsy all around you? Something to jumpstart a tiny smile or a huge one?

Fairy lights in the kitchen? Yes.
A shower playlist to greet your day?” I mean, why not?
A note on the bathroom mirror that says “You’re doing amaaaaazing.” Hell yes.
An aloha sign! A hummingbird bird feeder outside your window. A dream catcher.
Sometimes the tiniest things are the sparkliest.
Say hello to it all!

Now let’s think about this for a moment. The truth is, “magical” doesn’t mean perfect. A magical morning can still include spilled milk, mismatched socks, or forgetting what day it is. But it’s magical because you showed up. With curiosity. With heart. With the intention to treat yourself gently. That’s where the magic lives.

Doing these small things in the morning doesn’t just make your morning better, it shifts your whole day. You’re calmer in traffic. You smile at strangers. You answer that email with a little more grace. You’re not pouring from an empty cup – you’ve already filled it a little. And people feel that. You feel that.

Suddenly your productivity doesn’t come from pressure, it comes from peace.
Your mood? Brighter.
Your posture? Taller.
Your relationships? A little warmer.
And your smile? Oh, it sticks around longer.

That one magical morning moment can be the domino that topples the whole day into goodness.

My granddaughter said to us at 3 years old, “It’s going to be a great day today, Gigi!” Out of the mouths of babes. So now my husband and I turn to each other when we wake up and say, “It’s going to be a great day today!”

Buddha says,
“Each morning we are born again. What we do today is what matters most.” — Buddha

Oh, beautiful listeners, I hope you got a lot to think about from this podcast. And if you know anyone who would benefit from hearing it please share.

I hope that you take loving care of yourself. Wake up gently! See the beauty all around you. Connect with Gaia, mother nature.

I hope you see the beauty in yourself both inside and out. I hope you drink lots of water, eat nourishing foods, have lots of fun and surround yourself with loving beings.

Thank you for letting me in your life this week and I look forward to popping back in again next time.

They Cheated On Me, Should I Stay Or Should I Go?

April 30, 2025 By Shauna

Today we’re digging in on love, relationships, and all the beautiful and very often messy, messy things in between. Let’s talk infidelity. Yep, that gut-punch, world-turned-upside-down moment. You are in shock, you are hurt, you are angry, you feel terribly betrayed.

Would you believe me if I said – you can get through this betrayal, and yes, some couples even come out stronger?

Listen in and learn how!

SHOWNOTES

Hello and Welcome to A Journey to Awareness, I’m Shauna Hoffman.

Oh, today we are digging in on love, relationships, and all the beautiful and very often messy, messy things in between. I’m hoping this podcast will help you navigate the tough stuff with a little wisdom and a lot of heart.

Today’s topic? Oh boy, it’s a big one: infidelity. Yep, that gut-punch, world-turned-upside-down moment. You are in shock, you are hurt, you are angry, you feel terribly betrayed.

Would you believe me if I said – you can get through this betrayal, and yes, some couples even come out stronger?

Here is the gnawing question for most of you who are going through this right now. Should I stay or should I go? ‘Is my marriage or relationship over? Or, is there a path forward? Stick with me for just this podcast and let’s talk about how to heal, asking yourself can you rebuild trust? And in the end decide what’s best for you.

First there is the initial shock – I want you to Give Yourself Time from the minute you find out.

So, you just found out your partner cheated, you’re probably feeling everything at once. Rage. Hurt. Disbelief. Maybe even guilt. That’s normal.

Your brain is in survival mode, trying to make sense of something that makes no sense. It’s like there is a glitch in your heart. How can this be true? Here’s my first big piece of advice: Don’t rush into a decision.

Right now, you don’t need to know if you’re staying or leaving. You don’t need to explain yourself to anyone. Big one…you don’t owe your partner forgiveness, and you don’t owe anyone an answer. You just need space to feel and process.

But that question is nagging at you! Do I fight for this relationship, or do I flee and save myself while I can.

It’s typical fight or flight! FIGHT- Do you stay and work on your relationship? Or flight – do you walk away?

Here’s the truth – there is no one-size-fits-all answer. But I do have some questions to help you get clarity.

Let’s start with Reasons to Consider Leaving:

Is your partner remorseful – or defensive and dismissive? This will tell you so much about how he respects you. And also, what to expect moving forward, if you stay. Unless he has some level of remorse you have a long road ahead of you. One where you and your feelings will be dismissed. And sometimes that is a bigger hurt than the betrayal.

Next- Was this a one-time betrayal or part of a pattern of lies? If this is a pattern you can probably expect that it will never change unless they seek help. If they keep repeating the behavior with no consequences, they have no reason to change.

Ask yourself this. Do they take full responsibility, or are they blaming you? Oooh, blaming is truly the game of someone with Narcissistic tendencies. “I did this because of you. It’s your fault I cheated on you. You don’t take care of my needs.” Now. I will talk about your responsibility in a minute. But if your partner is ONLY blaming you without taking any responsibility it becomes almost abusive. And if you stay, I need you to look at yourself and your own codependent behavior.

Have they cut ties with the person they cheated on you with? If they don’t want to… there is a lot to ask him as to why. Maybe co-worker, family, friend; either way you need to find out whether they want to keep that person in both of your lives. This would be asking so much from you that I am not sure you would be able to navigate without more hurt. Many people find this to be the strongest reason to leave the betrayer.

Big one– Has there been any abuse – emotional or physical – in the relationship? If the answer is yes, HANDS DOWN LEAVE! This is a conversation for a whole nother podcast. But, I want you to immediately seek help to get away from any abusive relationship. And if you would stay I want you to have a good therapist, helping you understand why you accept ongoing abuse.

Now ask yourself… What does your gut tell you? Is your gut telling you, I will never feel safe with this person again? The deep work is to ask yourself why.

Big picture…

If your partner is unwilling to acknowledge the pain they caused, refuses to change, or keeps breaking trust – leaving might be your healthiest option. Because forgiveness is one thing, but trust? That’s beyond imperative in a relationship, it is sacred, and it is earned!

Now let’s talk about Reasons to Consider Staying and Rebuilding:

Is your partner deeply remorseful and transparent? I love this word. Transparent. Can they be truly transparent moving forward in the relationship? That means; transparent in where they are at given times, social media accounts, phones, etc. Where this becomes hard is that some people think transparency means they have to tell you all the gritty details of the betrayal. I am not one that thinks this is a good idea. In fact, it can be harmful because then you have images in your head you can’t get out. But if you DO want to know every detail just know that your healing is going to take longer because the wound is much deeper.

Another thing to ask yourself if you are considering staying is…

Was this out of character…something they regret and are committed to fixing? To me this is the crux of the reason to hope. People make really bad decisions sometimes. If it is not usually in their character to cheat, then they need to get into a therapist and work on themselves. Then you can work together on fixing it all.

Were there underlying relationship issues that need healing, and are you both willing to do the work? This is when I want you to look at the challenges that were showing in the relationship BEFORE the betrayal. I call every relationship a co-created relationship. Not that you would ever condone infidelity, but what got you both to this moment in time? Is there work that needs to be done to make sure that the relationship is so strong, honest and real that no one feels the need to look outside to fill a need ever again.

Oh, here is a telltale question…

Do you still feel love and connection beyond the pain? This is when I need you to take some time and not make any decisions. When you’re first hurt you likely don’t feel love. You are angry and wish you didn’t have to look in their eyes, hear their voice, or see their face! Remember… anger covers hurt, hurt covers sadness and sadness covers love. You have to see if under the hurt there is still love.

And lastly,

Can you envision a future where trust is rebuilt?

If your partner is taking full accountability, showing up differently, and willing to do the hard work – then staying and rebuilding is absolutely possible! There is hope!

So, let’s say you decide to stay. Can trust be rebuilt? The answer is Yes. But it’s not about slapping on a ‘forgiveness’ sticker and moving on. Trust is earned over time through consistent, transparent, and patient effort.

Here’s what real trust-building looks like:

*No more secrets. Full transparency – no hiding, no defensiveness.

*Access to devices, locations, or social media (if that helps you feel safe).

*Open communication about triggers – because you will have them. For instance, if you see a movie where someone cheats, can you talk about it. If you go someplace where the betrayer took the other person you will need to talk about it. Love letters or cards you got from your mate that you saved and now you question the truth in them! So many triggers. What are you both ok talking about to get through these? You WILL be triggered!

*Commitment to therapy. Individual or couples therapy can be a game-changer. Everyone deserves to share their voice. With a good therapist you have hope.

*Time. Healing doesn’t happen on a deadline. Your emotions will have ups and downs, and that’s okay. So, let me be clear – if your partner is pressuring you to ‘just move on’ or getting frustrated with your healing process? That’s a red flag. True healing happens on your timeline, not theirs.

Now let’s talk about Setting Boundaries for Healing

Regardless of whether you stay or go, boundaries are essential. Why? Because boundaries protect your peace and allow you to heal. These are YOUR boundaries to consider…

Emotional Boundaries: What conversations are off-limits?
Physical Boundaries: Do you need space in the house? Do you need time alone?
Digital Boundaries: Will your partner check in more, or be more transparent online?
Social Boundaries: Do you need to avoid certain places or people?

And listen – your boundaries aren’t ‘too much.’ They’re about safety. If your partner truly wants to rebuild trust, they’ll respect them.

That was all if you stayed. Now What If You Choose to Leave?

Let’s say you realize this relationship is not for you anymore. That’s okay. That’s more than okay – it’s brave.

Leaving a marriage or long-term relationship is not a failure. Sometimes the healthiest thing you can do is choose yourself. If staying would mean constant fear, anxiety, or self-doubt, then walking away is not giving up. It’s choosing peace.

If you do leave, here is a recipe for happiness.

Surround yourself with:

Support. Friends, family, therapy – lean on people who love you.

Self-care. Rediscover who you are outside of the relationship.

Forgiveness (for yourself). You are not to blame for someone else’s betrayal. Repeat that! You are not to blame for someone else’s betrayal.

The healing process will have highs and lows, but I promise – you will not always feel this way.

So, I want to leave you with some Closing Thoughts:

There are No Wrong Choices, Only Your Choice!

Should you stay or should you go? The answer isn’t in this podcast – it’s in you.

If you’re staying, make sure it’s because you believe in your partner’s actions, not just their words. If you’re leaving, know that you are walking toward healing, not just away from pain.

No matter what, you are stronger than you think. You deserve love, honesty, and peace. And whether you’re staying, leaving, or still figuring it out – you will be okay. I believe in you!

Oh, beautiful listeners, please take care of yourselves this week. Drink lots of water, get lots of rest and have lots of fun! Surround yourself with loving beings and most importantly, love yourself!

Thank you for letting me into your lives this week and I look forward to popping back in again next time.

When Your Grown Up Kids Take And Don’t Give Back

April 16, 2025 By Shauna

Today we’re talking about something that’s not just frustrating—it’s exhausting. What happens when your adult child keeps taking and taking from you, with total expectations that that’s what parents should do…continuously give with no expectations of receiving anything back. If you’ve ever felt drained from constantly giving but nervous about what might happen if you say “no,” then this episode is for you.

SHOWNOTES

Hello and welcome to A Journey to Awareness. I’m Shauna Hoffman. Today we’re talking about something that’s not just frustrating—it’s exhausting. What happens when your adult child keeps taking and taking from you, with total expectations that that’s what parents should do…continuously give with no expectations of receiving anything back. If you’ve ever felt drained from constantly giving but nervous about what might happen if you say “no,” then this episode is for you.

Oh and for the record…sometimes it’s not your own children, but you are watching your friend or family member in one of these unbelievably codependent relationships and it hurts you.

So let’s start with the idea that there are Givers and Takers

You’ve raised them, loved them, and probably made more sacrifices than you can count. But now, your adult children are still calling for help—money, time, a place to stay, a listening ear—yet when you need something, it’s radio silence.

Parenting doesn’t come with an expiration date, but at some point, the dynamic needs to shift. Ideally, the relationship evolves into mutual respect and appreciation. But if you’re stuck in a cycle where you’re always giving, and they’re always taking, we need to take a closer look.

Why Does This Happen?

There are a few reasons adult kids might not be giving back:
1 They assume you’ve got it all together. After all, you were the one who handled everything growing up. Why would you need help now?
2 They’re in survival mode. The economy, job stress, and life pressures can make them feel like they barely have enough for themselves.
3 Learned behavior. If they’ve always been rescued, they may not even realize they should be returning the favor.
4 Emotional distance. Sometimes, as kids grow up they pull away emotionally and stop considering their parents’ needs, whether it’s from busyness, guilt, or just plain forgetfulness. Yet when they need you it is of course their instinct to reach out.

But how Do You Change the Pattern so you don’t feel used? So you feel seen by them? So you don’t get caught up in an unhealthy give and take relationship where the help you are giving them hurts more than saying no? WHAT? NO???

1. Check Your Boundaries. If you always say “yes,” they will always ask. You have set up the rules. They are just playing the game. What if I say it’s okay to say no. Repeat after me: “I love you, but I can’t right now.” I understand you need help. I believe in you and know you can figure this out without me.

2. Next let’s look at the probable scenario that you don’t Ask For What You Need. We set up this identity as parents that we are the caretakers and we don’t want them to know when we are vulnerable. Well that made sense when they were children because that made them feel safe. But now that they are adults it’s time to change that behavior. Your kids are not mind-readers! Let them know when you need a favor, whether it’s help with something around the house or just a check-in phone call.

3. What if you actually switched it up and tried to teach them Reciprocity. No matter what age they are or you are, this is possible! If they’re always hitting you up for money or help, flip the script: “I’d be happy to help, but could you take care of [small task] for me first?”. And what if you ask for this help at times they have not asked you for anything? We need to change our mindset that we can’t let our children know we need things. That we are vulnerable at times. You would be surprised when you find out that your children love to help you or do things for you but you never gave them the space to do it.

4. Ok next let’s talk about you Encouraging their Independence. It’s hard, but sometimes the best thing we can do is step back and let them figure things out without us as the safety net. I love to tell parents that you can’t take your kids’ lessons away from them. And you shouldn’t! If they are overspending and you bail them out all the time you are their partner in crime in their never becoming independent.

5. Ahhh. here is a big one… You need to Recognize Your Own Patterns. If giving has been your love language, it can be tough to stop. But love isn’t just about giving—it’s about balance. And parenting is not about saving them, it’s about helping them to grow up and live their own best selves….without you. Ah that is what sometimes is hard! Many parents want their kids to need them. They are afraid if they don’t then they will lose them. Let me just say that need is not love. If you are one of these kinds of parents I want you to do some journaling on what love is.

Now, let’s talk about a common reaction—anger.

When you start setting boundaries, your adult child might not take it well. Why? Because if they’re used to you always saying yes, your “no” feels like rejection.

How Do You Handle Their Anger?
1. Stay Calm. Their anger is about them, not you. You are not responsible for managing their emotions. Again, they are not toddlers anymore.

2. Repeat Your Boundary. “I understand you’re upset, but this is what I need to do for myself. I love you, but I won’t be treated this way. I don’t deserve that anger towards me”

3. Give Them Space. Sometimes, a little distance is the best way for them to process. If they lash out, don’t engage in a back-and-forth.

4. Don’t Feel Guilty. HARDEST PART FOR CODEPENDENT PARENTS! Setting a boundary doesn’t mean you don’t love them—it means you love yourself enough to say enough is enough. Remember, their anger doesn’t mean you did something wrong. It means you’re doing something different.

When Grandkids Enter the Picture

Now, let’s talk about a next-level challenge—when your adult child uses your grandkids against you. Maybe they limit visits when they don’t get their way, withhold time if you don’t give them what they want, or make you feel like seeing your grandkids is a privilege instead of a natural family bond. Or they turn your grandkids against you.

Nothing cuts deeper than being shut out from your grandchildren, especially when it feels like punishment for something you didn’t even do. And when an adult child holds your grandkids over your head—whether it’s to get money, control the relationship, or just out of spite—it can feel like a whole new level of betrayal.

How Do You Handle This?

1. Refuse to Play Their Game. If they’re demanding money, gifts, or favors in exchange for time with your grandkids, shut it down. You are a grandparent, not a vending machine. Think about these statements.

“I love my grandkids, but I won’t buy my way into their lives.”
“I’m happy to help when I can, but my relationship with my grandkids shouldn’t depend on that.”

2. Set Firm Boundaries.
“I’d love to spend time with the kids, but I won’t be manipulated.”
“If we have an issue, let’s talk about it like adults—don’t use the kids to punish me.”

3. Be the Safe, Steady Presence. Even if they’re limiting your time, make sure that when you do see your grandkids, it’s positive and loving. Never badmouth their parents in front of them—just be the safe, steady presence they’ll always remember.

4. Seek Mediation If Necessary. If the situation is serious and you’re being completely shut out, consider family counseling or mediation. In some cases, grandparent rights might be an option, but that depends on where you live and the circumstances.

The Hardest Truth of All

Sometimes, all of this boils down to one thing: an ungrateful adult child.
Not all adult kids are like this, but when they are, it stings. If your child takes you for granted, refuses to acknowledge all you’ve done, and gets upset when you stop enabling them… that’s emotional manipulation. And at some point, you have to protect yourself.

You are more than what you give. You deserve respect, appreciation, and a relationship that isn’t based on conditions or transactions.  You cannot control other people’s behavior. You can only control your own.

Let’s write these two statements down!
I am more than what I give!
I cannot control other people’s behavior.

If this resonated with you, share it with someone else who needs to hear it. And remember—setting boundaries isn’t mean, it’s necessary. Your love is valuable. You are valuable.

Oh beautiful listeners, please take care of yourselves this week. Drink lots of water, get lots of rest and have lots of fun! Surround yourself with loving beings and most importantly, love yourself!

Thank you for letting me into your lives this week and I look forward to popping back in again next time.

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