Relationships — Page 2

React or Respond, It’s Your Choice

May 8, 2024 By Shauna

I have said in many a podcast that we really are programmed. It’s as if our brain or our heart has been programmed by our past successes, our past experiences, our past communications and our past hurts. And along with all of that comes defense mechanisms. So what is a defense mechanism? It’s what REACTIONS we have created and even nurtured to defend ourselves against harm.

For instance, if someone had an abusive parent that never listened to them their usual REACTION may be to keep quiet so as not to get hurt, or leave the situation. Defending against harm. So this reaction as an adult may be to just get quiet in a fight, shutting down, shutting off or to and leave and escape the confrontation. That is not communicating or “responding” to the situation. It is reacting.

Join me today as we explore React or Respond, It’s Your Choice. Ready?

SHOWNOTES:

Hello and Welcome, I’m Shauna Hoffman. I hope you have all had a wonderful week. I have this lovely friend that was telling me about an interaction she had with a young, very reactive associate. As I listened to her I was completely in awe of her amazing communication skills. Specifically, how calm she stayed, how she listened and was not reactive. How she stated her own side of the issue with logic and not emotion. And she did it while still being true to herself and her needs. WOW! I’m not even sure I could have dealt with it the way she did. When I said that to her she said she has been working on a very important human communication skill. Responding versus reacting. Then she went on to say that this ability is what separates humans from animals. And in that moment this podcast episode was born!!

If I could help every couple get to the place where each of them could respond versus react, their relationship would change! If I could get every mother and daughter, father and son, parent and teen to do this I would happily be out of business.

So what’s the difference? Reacting is usually a more instinctive response to any situation, good or bad. There is an immediacy about it. Almost automatic. And almost always it is driven by old defense mechanisms, ingrained habits and definitely emotions. Its usually a very quick response that comes flying out of us and usually does not involve much conscious thought. It is ruled by emotion. In other words no critical thinking and definitely no self awareness.

So what is a defense mechanism? It’s what REACTIONS we have created and even nurtured to defend ourselves against harm.

Another scenario. If you had a parent that never let you win an argument, that always made you fight harder, scream louder and longer to be heard than chances are that is the defense mechanism you bring into adulthood and any argument you are having with a spouse or friend or neighbor…or or or…. in the present. That auto response to conflict is fight like hard to be heard and WIN! And that usually means you are not listening to the other person. You are afraid if you do you will never be acknowledged as right in the fight. You are reacting and not responding to every thing that is being said.

Now let’s say your defense mechanisms are not from childhood, but actually from the result of a previous bad relationship. Let’s say that you were the quiet one as a child, example one. And you married example two, the fighter and yeller who had to win. Chances are that if you finally get out of that possibly abusive relationship you become the screamer yeller for fear of ever going back to being the quiet one! You swear you will never be harmed again. So, your defense mechanism changes. Often the new mate has to look at these partners and say, “I am not him. I actually hear you, you can talk to me and share your feelings and I will hear you”.

Another scenario, the two screamers and fighters. It is like a perfect storm. A hurricane that can’t be stopped. And the hurtful things that are said cannot be taken back. Again, both are reacting and not responding. And so often when I ask them how they feel afterwards they hate the person that they become in those situations. It’s as if afterwards the awareness finally touches them. They look at themselves and don’t like what they see.

So what is the answer that will change every interaction you have? You learn to respond and nor react.

Let me be clear. I am not saying that we do not have feelings, or that we are not hurt. It is that we learn how to respond in a healthy way so as to actually protect ourselves with wisdom and not arrows.

There is a beautiful Buddhist wisdom called the Second Arrow Of Suffering. It’s a parable that teaches that being struck by the first arrow is painful. Let’s say that is the arrow that someone is throwing at you. But it’s the second arrow that is even more painful. That is the arrow that you launch that is really striking you.

Buddha says,

“In Life, we can’t always control the first arrow. However the second arrow is OUR REACTION to the first. The second arrow is optional.

Wow. The second arrow is optional. That’s what’s in our control. Are we going to cast that second arrow knowing that it is not hurting our opponent, but only hurting ourselves?

Responding and not reacting.

Take a deep breath and think about this. Responding usually involves a much more thoughtful and definitely deliberate approach. We stop. We don’t auto-respond, we stop to think and feel. We think about what we just heard, or witnessed. We become aware of how it makes us feel. Hurt. Angry. We check in with ourself. Don’t focus on them for just a second. Focus on yourself and STOP what is about to be an old defense mechanism and decide how you can RESPOND in a healthy way. Do not throw the second arrow.

It definitely takes a nice deep breath and true self awareness to see how you do want to respond and think about how you don’t want to respond. You STOP. You think about the situation. You consider what the other person is saying. In other words you HEAR THEM and then you decide how to respond. It doesn’t mean that you agree with them. It doesn’t mean that you don’t share your hurts, or your feelings, or your perception of the situation. It means you do it deliberately instead of as an auto response to what your psyche is perceiving as danger. Defending yourself against harm.

I have another podcast episode, number 41, that’s titled “I don’t agree, but I’m listening”. Now there is a novel idea, to actually listen to the other person and still disagree without letting it trigger old communication styles, or defensiveness.

Self awareness, not reacting, still being true to yourself and your needs, breathing and thinking before your respond.

Don’t shoot the second arrow at yourself.

So how do you be true to yourself in responding?

You acknowledge your hurt, or your feelings to yourself first, and then to the other person. You explain how you perceived the situation in those fabulous I statements. “I saw it this way… I was hurt when you said… I am not feeling safe with you right now. I am sorry.”

Now just because you are responding in a healthy way, sadly does not necessarily mean the other person is. I like to share two analogies with my clients. The first is the wheel of suffering.

When someone is so upset and reacting in an argument they are what I call “on the wheel of suffering”. And usually they will do everything to get you to jump on it with them. Don’t. When you are taking time to respond versus react it is your way of staying off the wheel of suffering. You can’t pull them off of it. But you have the power, with true self awareness, to realize when you are about to jump on it. STOP.

The other is what I call an hallucination. Sometimes you are in a fight and the other person is so reactive and out of control, it’s as if they are hallucinating! Well, I guarantee you that there is no healing to take place when you join the hallucination with them. Stop. Breath, Assess and respond without reacting.

The truth is that you cannot always control the other person in a fight and hope they will respond instead of react. But you can possibly keep the tornado from getting bigger. And you can definitely stop shooting yourself with the second arrow. Self preservation. Sometimes that is all that you can do. But I promise you this, you will have reached a new level of self awareness and peace by doing so. And since this podcast is called A Journey To Awareness you have taken another step on your journey!

I want to leave you with the last piece of the second arrow parable. “Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.”

As this whole season is about changing up the music to our souls, this statement says it all. At the end of the fight, how much you let yourself suffer and replay it over and over is optional. It is your choice. If the disagreement has been resolved, or even if it hasn’t, stop your own suffering. Learn from it. Learn about yourself. Learn about your needs. Listen to your heart. and then let go.

Now imagine how your life would change if you could actually learn this amazing new communication tool, responding versus reacting. Imagine how it will change your relationships your communications, and most importantly how you feel about yourself.

I hope you all have jumped a few steps today on your journey to self awareness. I hope that this next week you become more and aware of your defense mechanisms. I hope you practice responding and not reacting. I hope you honor your truth and give yourself grace.

To my listeners today, I hope you take loving care of yourself. Drink lots of water, sleep peacefully and surround yourself with loving beings. Thank you for letting me into your lives this week and I look forward to popping back again next time!

56 Song Therapy From The Beatles

February 27, 2021 By Shauna

Hello and Welcome, I’m Shauna Hoffman

I talked a little bit about song therapy in a previous podcast. This week I was listening to the Beatles and soaking it up! There is something about singing songs that remind you of your youth. And you know every lyric and guitar riff, and throw away lyrics. The Beatles sang about every emotion I have ever felt! Starting with “She was just 17”. I met my husband Bert when I was 17. It’s like our theme song! My mom sat us in front of the TV to watch the Beatles on Ed Sullivan knowing it was going to be a night to remember!

So I decided that today we are going to have a little Beatles Music Therapy! Then when I’m all done recording this episode I am going to shut the door, turn off the lights, crank up some tunes and dance!

EPISODE NOTES:

So there is this thing happening to so many people right now from going on a year of Covid lock downs, and fear and confusion and total twilight zone living. They are calling it Motivation Paralysis. And boy have I felt it. I am usually so motivated for everything I do. And the last few weeks, BAM. Motivation Paralysis. Down to the smallest thing that I love to do which is make the meme’s for the podcast. I was like…eh.

So the one thing that always makes me move is music. Move physically and it wakes up my heart and my soul! I get excited. I want to dance. When I was a kid and I had a bad day I would turn off the lights and dance my heart out!

Now sadly because of music rights I can’t play any of the clips of the songs today. But with the Beatles I won’t have to. I know when I start the lyric the music will take over your mind!

There are some real obvious ones to start with. And since all I talk about over and over again is Loving yourself, staying in the moment and dealing with where you are at this instant I have the perfect song to kick this off. It was originally released as a single. Written by John, and eventually was added to the Sergeant Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band album. It also appeared in their movie The Yellow Submarine and on that soundtrack.

All You Need Is Love

My favorite claim and truth lines in this song are …

Nothing you can make that can’t be made

No one you can save that can’t be saved

Nothing you can do, but you can learn how to be you in time

It’s easy

All you need is love

All you need is love, love

Love is all you need

Nothing you can know that isn’t known. Nothing you can see that isn’t shown. Nothing you can be that isn’t where you’re meant to be…. It’s easy

All you need is love

Love is all you need

Truly!!! That kinda says it all!

When I decided to start putting together this podcast I did an internet deep dive into the Beatles most uplifting or meaningful songs. And there isn’t a question that this next one was on every list or even at the top of every list. “Hey Jude”. It was interesting to find out it was originally written as “Hey Jules” by Paul for John’s son Julian when his parents were getting divorced. Though Julian was only 5, the lyrics have touched the soul of so many of us and given us hope for years.

The lyrics that get me every time are these.

And when the broken-hearted people Living in the world agree There will be an answer: Let it be…

Here are all the lyrics. Let your mind sing them!

Hey Jude, don’t make it bad.

Take a sad song and make it better.

Remember to let her into your heart,

Then you can start to make it better.

Hey Jude, don’t be afraid.

You were made to go out and get her.

The minute you let her under your skin,

Then you begin to make it better.

These next lyrics are for all of you who are suffering through these times…

And anytime you feel the pain, hey Jude, refrain,

Don’t carry the world upon your shoulders.

For well you know that it’s a fool who plays it cool

By making his world a little colder.

Hey Jude, don’t let me down.

You have found her, now go and get her.

Remember to let her into your heart,

Then you can start to make it better.

Now wait! Listen to these next lyrics. If this doesn’t scream self love and YOU are all you need then nothing does!

So let it out and let it in, hey Jude, begin,

You’re waiting for someone to perform with.

And don’t you know that it’s just you, hey Jude, you’ll do,

The movement you need is on your shoulder.

Hey Jude, don’t make it bad.

Take a sad song and make it better.

Remember to let her under your skin,

Then you’ll begin to make it

Better better better better better better, oh.

Ok now I know you are all going…naaaa naa naa nanananaaaaa!

Next wisdom song..

I think the hardest part for so many of us during this last year is not being able to be with our friends. The healing of seeing your besties, hanging with them, laughing with them has started to take a toll on so many people. Zoom can only do so much when you’re craving a hug from your best friend. But you know… we need to take the moments we can get! Here are just some of the lyrics to one that was written by John and Paul and sung by Ringo!

WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM MY FRIENDS

What would you think if I sang out of tune?

Would you stand up and walk out on me?

Lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song

And I’ll try not to sing out of key

Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends

Mm, I get high with a little help from my friends

Mm, gonna try with a little help from my friends

What do I do when my love is away?

Does it worry you to be alone?

How do I feel by the end of the day?

Are you sad because you’re on your own?

No, I get by with a little help from my friends

Mm, get high with a little help from my friends

Mm, gonna try with a little help from my friends

OK I just love this song so much. It really says it all. And for me.. Singing out of tune is my life story. But my friends don’t walk out on me! Now that is true friendship!

There is one line from Blackbird that just resonates so much with me and for all of us during these times.

Blackbird singing in the dead of night

Take these broken wings and learn to fly

All your life

You were only waiting for this moment to arise

It was written by Paul originally to address the racial strife in the South in the 1960s. Paul said later, “This was really a song from me to a black woman, experiencing these problems in the States: ‘Let me encourage you to keep trying, to keep your faith; there is hope.”

This year has been a time for people of color to truly arise. To be heard, to be truly seen. This song resonates for so many of us on a different level. So many people around the world who feel that their wings have been broken through this last year. We all need to learn how to fly again!

This year has been the most trying one in a long time for our world! I started to list them but just stopped the recording and deleted all of them. Suffice it to say that we all have made it through! You are here listening to this podcast and I am here sharing it with you. Hallelujah! ,So I am going to end the Beatles’ wisdom song therapy with this one by George! Beautiful, soulful George Harrison.

Here Comes The Sun

Here comes the sun do, do, do

Here comes the sun

And I say it’s all right

Little darling, it’s been a long cold lonely winter

Little darling, it seems like years since it’s been here

Here comes the sun do, do, do

Here comes the sun

And I say it’s all right

Little darling, the smiles returning to the faces

Little darling, it feels like years since it’s been here

Here comes the sun do, do, do

Here comes the sun

And I say it’s all right

Little darling, I feel that ice is slowly melting

Little darling, it seems like years since it’s been clear

Here comes the sun do, do, do

Here comes the sun

And I say it’s all right

Here comes the sun do, do, do

Here comes the sun

And I say it’s all right

To all of you my amazing listeners I say… Here comes the sun. We will get through this. We will take our broken wings and learn to fly! We will take a sad song and make it better. All with a little help from our friends! Because you know…All you need is love! Share this episode with any of your friends that need a little music therapy!

Now take such good care of yourselves! Drink lots of water, eat nourishing foods and surround yourself with loving beings! And maybe make a song list that you can play for yourself as you close your door, turn off your lights and dance your heart out!

Thank you for letting me into your life this week! And I look forward to popping back in again, next week.

LEARN MORE ABOUT THE CONTENT DISCUSSED…

• A Journey to Awareness Podcast: All Episodes
• Shauna’s website: https://www.workingonme.com

WHEN DOES IT AIR…
February 27, 2021

55 Fear or Anxiety? Just Yell Stop!

February 20, 2021 By Shauna

Hello and Welcome, I’m Shauna Hoffman,

“When I dare to be powerful, to use my strength in the service of my vision, then it becomes less and less important whether I am afraid.” ~Audrey Lorde

If you have ever gotten an email from me you will see that this is the sign-off quote I use.

Today we’re going to talk about fighting through your fears. Sometimes they are real life fears…survival, illness, money, job loss. And sometimes they are perceived fears of the unknown. Like fear of change or all the “what if’s” that we tend to obsess on. Or the big emotional ones like, “what if they don’t love me anymore. I’m not sure I can survive alone”. The word fear is sooooo big and so misunderstood and so confused with other emotions that often finding the tools to fight it off, or handle it or even recognize it becomes such a challenge. So we are going to knock the hell out of what fears look like and how to control it on today’s podcast.

Let’s talk first about the fact that sometimes it is not fear you are experiencing. But Anxiety! You see, both of them have the same physical response in your body. The Fight or flight syndrome. Let’s go back to the caveman days and what our body did when a mammoth was coming at us. We would either fight it or run like hell from it. Fight or flight. In order to do that your body kicked in to help. You breathe shallower to send the oxygen to the brain, the blood leaves your stomach and abdomen and is sent to your heart to beat faster. It’s then sent to your extremities to fight or run. It’s sent to your brain to think fast. And then your sympathetic nervous system kicks in and chemicals go raging through your body to help! Hormones, Adrenaline, Noradrenaline and a whole lotta other chemicals with really long names. The big picture is that you are ready to fight back or run!

So it makes total sense that we get confused between real fears and what is really anxiety. After all, our body can’t tell the difference. Except for this… with real fears, like a mammoth coming after you, once you are safe you go into what is called recovery mode. Well with today’s fears and anxiety it seems that the mammoth is never gone. It’s still stalking us. So we never recover. And our body, mind and spirit suffer. Exhaustion, depression, ulcers, stomach problems, headaches, body aches. And those just add to the fear and anxiety you already have!

What the hell!!!

So the first thing I want to help you do is differentiate if you are anxious or truly fearful. That means that you need to look at the facts! God I love that word! Facts! When we get anxiety or fear we tend to go into what I like to call a hallucination. We build on the facts of what we know and start to imagine all the worst that can come of it. So the very first thing you need to do is STOP! Stop and look at the facts about what you are afraid of. IN THE MOMENT! Not what could happen next. This means that you really need to see if the facts are valid and true for where you are and what you are experiencing. Or are you looking into an imaginary crystal ball and trying to tell your future. For instance.. valid fear.. I lost my job… valid fear… I need to see how to pay my bills. Invalid fear and future telling… Oh my God, I will never get another job like this one. Who’s going to hire me? I am going to lose my house. Oh gees, my girlfriend will leave me now for sure!

OK seriously? Do you see what I am talking about with future telling? All this person knew is that they lost their job. Who’s to say if they won’t get an even better one? Who’s to say that they won’t end up getting paid twice as much and loving it even more? But the fear cycled into dread and a huge wheel of suffering.I love to say to my clients, ”Wow, if you have a crystal ball and can tell the future you really can make a fortune! What are you afraid of?”

Now why is it that when fear overtakes us we tend to cycle into more and more fear? My best answer is because you have not yet trained your defense mechanisms into positive thinking. Yup. The old…the glass is half full versus half empty. After all, if you really don’t know the future why would you constantly choose the worst case scenario? Because you are allowing the fear to snowball out of control!

STOP! Then look at the facts and only the facts! Stick with the evidence that you have before you. And that may mean that you only have today to look at!

Today! Now that brings me to your NEXT TIP!! Stay in the present! What are the facts today? What are the good things you know today that can help you navigate the fear? Look at your support system; human, financial and otherwise! Look at the people who are there for you! Then put a plan into action. Fear will freeze you from action. Don’t let it. Come up with a plan! Look at how many times you have survived a challenge in the past! How have you gotten through it before?

But most importantly, look at you and all you have to offer the world. When fear or anxiety overtakes us the worst part about it is that we lose track of all that is true about who we are and all that we have to offer those around us and the world. Fear becomes this black curtain that stops us from seeing reality. And the worst part is that the reality that gets lost is who we are. All of the beauty that is us. All of our past learning lessons and our massive moments of growth. When we are in fear we forget. We forget the beauty and the strength that got us to today in the first place.

So the first thing to do is reach out to someone who remembers. Someone you trust who knows you. It can be hard at first because oftentimes have you been in fear and tried to explain it to someone and they jump back with all of this positive stuff that they can see but you can’t? And usually it just pisses you off.

This is the moment that we have to trust those that we love more than we trust ourselves. Listen to the people that you trust to help you get off of the wheel of suffering. Now the FACT here is that it needs to be someone who is being compassionate about your fear, not judging you, but who you trust enough to help you see through the darkness and the fear. Someone who loves you and sees all of you.

HA! And someone with really good communication skills! Because sadly when we are in fear our communication skills go haywire. And on that note I want to remind you of one big pitfall. Often when we become afraid we don’t see those around us the way they truly are. We become harsher on those we love who love us. When you are anxious or afraid, one of your biggest challenges will be to NOT throw all of your negativity onto those around you. Now let me be clear! That doesn’t mean that you don’t turn to them for help! It means you don;t turn ON them when they do. They are not the mammoth chasing you. Try and remember that.

Big picture with all of these hints is that I want you to find some way to actually become aware of the fight or flight syndrome you are experiencing and control it so it does not control you. You have to get back into recovery mode. In recovery mode you will think clearer, problem solve better and your entire mood and body will change because of it. So reach out to someone who can help you do that. A friend, a therapist or counselor. Sometimes even your dog or cat will be the one to sit next to you and drag you back to the moment! Listen again to podcast episode 50. An animal can heal your soul. The thing about our animals is that they only see you and all of your love. And sometimes that’s all it takes!

Probably one of the best books ever written is The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. I am going to let a passage of his wrap up everything I just said and then some. Enjoy!

“IF YOUR OVERALL SITUATION IS UNSATISFACTORY or unpleasant, separate out this instant and surrender to what is. That’s the flashlight cutting through the fog. Your state of consciousness then ceases to be controlled by external conditions. You are no longer coming from reaction and resistance. Then look at the specifics of the situation. Ask yourself, “Is there anything I can do to change the situation, improve it, or remove myself from it?” If so, take appropriate action. Focus not on the hundred things that you will or may have to do at some future time but on the one thing that you can do now. This doesn’t mean you should not do any planning. It may well be that planning is the one thing you can do now. But make sure you don’t keep running “mental movies” that continually project yourself into the future, and so lose the Now. Any action you take may not bear fruit immediately. Until it does — do not resist what is.”

Be good to yourself this week! Drink lotsa water, eat nourishing foods and surround yourself with loving beings. Thank you for letting me into your life this week. And I look forward to popping back in again next week.

LEARN MORE ABOUT THE CONTENT DISCUSSED…

• A Journey to Awareness Podcast: All Episodes
• Shauna’s website: https://www.workingonme.com

WHEN DOES IT AIR…
February 20, 2021

51 Sail Above The Clouds With Carole Fontaine

January 23, 2021 By Shauna

WHAT THIS EPISODE IS ABOUT…

Hello everyone. I’m Shauna Hoffman. I am so excited to have this amazing guest on our show today. You all know how passionate I am as a sailor and how I use sailing analogies in my podcasts all the time. So you can imagine how thrilled I was to lock in Carole Fontaine as the guest. Known to some as the sailing, Yogi. Carole Fontaine teaches by sharing stories of her 20 years of living aboard a sailboat to illustrate the life lessons and challenges. A successful professional graphic designer, she left the world of design after her health failed and started on a 10 year journey to search for answers and heal from chronic disease. In that time, she found her voice, took control of her health, and discovered her passion for forgiveness and strength. All while sailing the ocean, diving in caves, swimming with sharks, surviving hurricanes, waking up in a sinking boat and maneuvering in a meager 41 feet of living space with an unconventional husband. And of course a dog. Do you all see why I had to have her on the show? Carole’s a certified life coach, author, meditative writing, Shakti dance, yoga Reiki, master teacher, and she loves to share the stories of being a co-captain of her boat,The Windsong. I can’t wait to talk to her today about her book, Sail Above The Clouds. Now listen to this sail… S A I L, simplify, align, integrate and let go so you can live an extraordinary life. Welcome Carole.

Carole (01:43):
Thank you for this beautiful introduction. Yes. May we all sail above the clouds!

Shauna (01:50):
Every day and always. I’m so excited to have you on the show. I really, really am. I’ve been reading the book. All of you have to get this book. We’ll give you links later as to where you can find out more information about Carole, but Carole, I thought we would start by you sharing this amazing journey from hippie biker.

Carole (02:13):
Yeah, absolutely. Well, I was very in touch with my rebellious child when I was younger. So I was a young woman in college. I was into bikers and motorcycles and I bought my first Harley. I met my husband who was also a biker and of course we fell deeply in love. And we in Canada, I’m from originally from Canada. So over there in the winter it snows. So we ended up moving to Florida on our motorcycles. When we ended up there, we realized it was way too hot to ride a motorcycle, a motor in your legs and 90 degree weather. So we turned to the ocean, we ended up, I mean, it wasn’t instant. The first few years we wrote a lot and we ended up to a lot of parties and we went to the biker scene, but I really was not satisfied with that.

Carole (03:15):
I became very disillusioned, disheartened, and I wasn’t fulfilled in Florida. And the big dream, the American dream on the beach just wasn’t what I had expected. And I remember being on the beach with my husband and looking out to sea and seeing these boats up there. And I was like, wow, this is the dream. This is the summer of freedom. And we ended up living on the boat, buying a boat from there, living on the boat for 20 years.

Shauna
Had you ever sailed before?

Carole
I had not. I had zero experience in sailing. I think I went on a boat when I was a child once on a vacation, a family vacation. Cause I didn’t even remember if I was seasick or not. My husband had done a tiny little bit of boating on the Lake, but not sailing.

Shauna (04:14):
We talked so much on the show about reinventing our lives and talk about reinventing. Yes, that is a massive reinvention. Then what happened? What were those 20 years like?

Carole (04:28):
Well, we ended up moving on the boat. We needed to reinvent ourselves. We needed to simplify our life. It had become just a, a never ending party. And we needed to get out of this party scene and get in touch with each other and with life and what we want and what our dreams are, what pushed us to move thousands of miles away. We know what had brought us there. So the boat represented that, that dream, what we’re looking for. So the first few years we grew ourselves into learning everything about sailing. We took courses, we, we tried it out. We went cruising. We went to The Bahamas, we made mistakes, but thank goodness, the Morgans are tough boats. But we learned. We learned, we had fun. We enjoyed ourselves. We were young, carefree. It was amazing. It was amazing life. And then eventually we fell back into that mode.

Carole (05:28):
We had, we were back into the party scene, but with the boating crowds. So we had just simply changed a scenery around an underlying dissatisfaction, this satisfaction. We had not addressed what was going on in our hearts and our relationship, what we’re looking for. I was still unaware back then of, I wasn’t really listening to, how am I happy? Are, you know, is everything that I’m doing fulfilling me. Of course I did live in paradise. Some of the places we’ve been, ah, yum, amazing. You know, sailing is just absolutely, but it’s not always idyllic because happiness comes from within.

Shauna
Oh, that is so well said. So how did you start to find that happiness?

Carole
I had five years. I would call my dark night of the soul where after maybe 10 or 12 years on the boat, I became very ill physically ill.

Carole (06:29):
And I ended up seeing many doctors. I was swollen. I had inflammation, a lot of pain. I ended up having a hysterectomy. I had lesions on my liver had skin problems. I had, I could not eat without getting sick and I was getting anemic. So there was a lot of things going on and the doctors weren’t communicating with each other. And I thought I fell into this, the Western medicine cycle of having 10 different doctors that don’t talk to each other. And I became depressed. Of course, at that point, my husband really came through for me and said, this is not working. You need to look at what’s going on and he called my mom from Canada. She came in to the rescue. He really took a look at what was happening. And I fired my doctors. I went the holistic route.

Carole (07:31):
I started searching for answers for myself. I took responsibility for my health. I took risk. And when I did that, I realized that I was very unhappy and that unhappiness might have simmered there for so long. That the only way that my body had been able to have me listen to it is scream loudly and make me sick. And this is when I finally stopped and say, Whoa, hold on. What’s going on here? Something deeper is happening. And I reinvented myself completely. I fired my doctor. I fired my boss, quit my job. I even fired one of my best friends. That was a toxic relationship. I reevaluated my relationship and I realized that my husband and I were really having a lot of problems and we needed to face them.

Shauna
How did you do that?

Carole
We talked. Communication first. There’s always a period when we become aware where we’re not quite certain, what’s going on, we’re like, Oh, we know something’s wrong, but we’re not quite sure what it is. And so we asked questions and I had a friend that was adamant on me getting a journal and write in it. You got to write. And I’m like, what? How is writing gonna fix it?

Carole (08:54):
But I did. And that really was the best remedy because writing opened up a whole world of wisdom and awareness, self awareness.

Shauna (09:07):
I love that. I so often give that to my clients to do. And we talk about it here in an every workshop. One of the things that I say over and over and my listeners hear it over and over is when we make the subconscious conscious, it can go away. And when you journal, even when you start the page, if you start journaling … “I’m so angry” and you’re writing and all of a sudden four pages later, you have gotten underneath why you’re angry or hurt or sad or lonely. But until you get it from your head out and a lot of people can do it with meditation. But journaling I find is one of the most positive and productive forms of self-awareness because you’re getting it out of your brain. Then when you talk about the fact that we have talked about it with the connection of mind, body is the fact that we, when we have so much unhappiness and dis ease, it has to, you’re absolutely right. It has to go to someplace in your body. And that’s where so much illness comes from. Deepak Chopra talks about it all the time. Being able to get the disease out of your mind, get in touch with your emotions, your feelings, your fears. Then you can start releasing them and letting them go.

Carole(10:34):
Absolutely. It’s like doing a cleanup of your mind. It’s decluttering your mind. I talk a lot about how to simplify your life in my book, because it sailing above the clouds, how to simplify your life. It’s, it’s more than just simplifying your physical space. It’s simplifying your emotional, your spiritual, your mental space. We carry so much stuff and we don’t ever clean it up. We don’t look at it and writing helps that. And for me, writing, help me get clear on what was going on because I knew there was a dis ease in my life. I did not felt that things were right. I was happy, but it was surface happy. I wasn’t joyful in my heart. And writing helped me get to that space. It helped me uncover all the murkiness. It helped me declutter, all that was taking up rent in my space. I evicted everything that was, that was renting space and say, and once that was done Once you simplify and you clear out the clutter, then you can clearly see what’s left and what you want to keep and what you want to pursue and support and nurture and what you definitely don’t want back in your space.

Shauna (11:59):
None of you can see we’re recording this live so I can see Carol, as she speaks in my head is just sitting here, shaking my head. Yes, yes, yes, yes. I love decluttering our mind. I love that so much. You just nailed it. So in your book, it’s SAIL, simplify, align, integrate, and let go. Speak to those four.

Carole (12:23):
How, when you simplify, just address that when you simplify your life, your life, you, the pattern becomes clear, whatever is left after you simplify, Oh my goodness, it’s clear what you, you want to pursue or what you, you, what brings you joy? What brings you passion? What’s your purpose is because you’ve gotten rid of everything that was making your life busy, but not necessarily passionate. And once you’ve simplified, now that you are clear on your goals, how can you align your life with those goals? So the second book, all the stories and the lessons and the exercise going to be, how to align your goals with your purpose and then integrate. How do you integrate these tools that we have in our life around that are so many amazing tools and exercises and coaches out there that shares things that we can do in our life.

Carole (13:21):
But how do we apply them? We take so many, we take courses and we’re like, Oh yeah, this is really good. This is really good. 30 days later, we sign up for another course and on and on and on. Where does it stop? It stops when we integrate certain practices and we commit to certain things in our life daily life that will really affect our success. When we integrate these into our morning routine, our work routine, our schedules, et cetera. And when we have all that in play, we’re, we’re now aligned. We’re clear on what we want. We have tools to support us. We can take actions into the world that are very aligned, but then we have to let go. We have to trust because once we’ve taken, we’ve done everything that we can. We’re aligned in our heart. Our actions are aligned with our purpose. We need to trust. We need to trust the universe that we need to trust that the universe has our back. And the last book, that’s a tough one. The letting go,

Shauna (14:27):
The letting go. I think also trusting ourselves that we have gotten to that fourth step because we have been genuine to ourselves because we have looked within because we have become truly self-aware. And then if you don’t let go, the things that we don’t let go of, and we hold onto that we know are unhealthy for us. There is much discontent in knowing that we’re holding onto that. I think that ends up being the motivator to finally let go.

Carole (15:01):
Yes, for me, it’s a big it’s a big step that letting go. And I always ask myself, how deeper can I let go? Because there’s always different levels because we’re just, when you think you let go, quite enough, you move thousands of miles again, and you start over again. I had a sailing injury a few years ago, so I could not teach. I couldn’t. I had to move off the boat in a town that I did not know by myself with my dog, while my husband’s sailed away with the boat, because my back was so hurt. I could not be on the boat anymore. I really reassessed myself in that. Oh my God, what’s my identity? Letting go, moving off the boat. I can’t teach anymore. I’m not a teacher anymore. Letting go of all these things. Oh my goodness. It was one of the greatest acts of letting go. My life, that to trust that all will be well. And letting go also means letting go of trying to be perfect of controlling everything expectations and really trusting that you’ve done all that you can, and that whatever’s going to come to. You may not be what you want exactly, but they will be what you need. And from that, you can grow.

Shauna (16:26):
What I love about this process is I don’t think you can get there until you’re aligned. Once you’re aligned and you know, your purpose and you know, you’re aligned with your dreams. You’re aligned with your goals. You’re aligned with your genuine self. Then the letting go can happen. People I think do it backwards. I think they think, Oh, I’m just going to get rid of this relationship. Or I’m going to change my job because I’m not happy in my job, but they haven’t really aligned their spirit. They haven’t simplified their life. I love this so much. They haven’t really done the work. And like you said, you ended up going, you’ll go for one place to the next place with the exact same lessons

Carole (17:15):
You do. That’s what happens. We just, you can move to as many places and change as many jobs, but it’s like when you have a relationship, a lot of women say, I always end up with the same types of relationship. When you see repeating situations in your life, you really want to stop and ask yourself, what’s the lesson it’s disguised somewhere. And once you really noticed this, Oh my goodness. You know, you declutter everything around and get to really, to the bottom of it. And then when you’re clear about it, you want to sure does this align with what I want in my life? And if it doesn’t then it needs to go,

Shauna (17:54):
I have a word that I talk about. And I think I did a podcast. I’ll have to go back and look which one, and it’s on willingness. You have to have willingness to look at yourself. That’s the biggest for me. If you can throw in another word for wind or willingness, sail with the wind, the willingness to look at yourself. If you don’t have the willingness to take that first step, you can’t get there.

Carole (18:28):
Yes. Yes. It gets, it gets scary. It’s scary to look at ourselves this closely, because it’s not always a fun process. There’s a lot of things that were scaring me. I was, I was refusing to look at this. I did not want to look at my relationship and my job. It’s such a ride. I lived in paradise. I lived on the South or, and people, you know, if it would be back down, it was, you know, I’ve been on a boat for 20 years. So back then it wasn’t social media, the way it is now. But if you would looked at my page, it would have looked. Ideally, people are like, Oh my goodness, Carol, how beautiful your life is. But it’s an illusion.

Shauna (19:13):
Which is so funny. Cause that’s the name of my boat, the illusion.

Carole (19:17):
I love it, my, the illusion.

Shauna(19:23):
And it is, it is. And we live in this illusion all of the time and we have to see what is true to ourselves and genuine to ourselves. Yeah. I, I could talk with you forever and I know I’m going to already want you back on another episode. How can people get your book? How can they read? Do you have any workshops coming up? Do you have anything? Where can my listeners find you?

Carole (19:49):
Yes. The easiest way is to go to my site that sailabovetheclouds.com. So sail above the clouds that come from there, you can get the book. You can connect with me. I don’t have a workshop plan, right? It’s the dates not set yet, but I do have one coming up in February. Most likely about meditative writing, some simplifying your life. I teach on zooms. I have different kinds of classes and I love to connect with your listeners and see, you know, how I can support them and inspiring their life and helping their lives. And there’s a free excerpt on there so they can read the first two chapters.

Shauna (20:30):
And what’s wonderful. Everyone she gives great fun examples of what’s happened in her life. And then she gives you exercises in the book for you to work on for yourself. And maybe if the winds are in our favor, we do a workshop together.

Carole (20:50):
Love to love to collaborate with you. Let’s talk more about that. Absolutely.

Shauna (20:58):
We’re all hearing it right here right now, everyone. Thank you so much, Carol. We wish you fair winds and calming seas!

Shauna (21:09):
Everyone, I wish for you fair winds and calming seas. May you be so good to yourself in the next week. Please take wonderful care of yourself. Eat nourishing foods, get lots of sleep. Surround yourself with loving beings. Thank you for letting me into your life this week. And I look forward to popping back in again next week.

LEARN MORE ABOUT THE CONTENT DISCUSSED…

• A Journey to Awareness Podcast: All Episodes
• Shauna’s website: https://www.workingonme.com

WHEN DOES IT AIR…
January 23, 2021

47 Stop Texting, Just Call Me!

December 5, 2020 By Shauna

WHAT THIS EPISODES ABOUT…

Hello and Welcome I’m Shauna Hoffman,

OK, the A to Z of self-awareness. we have done A- Awareness, B- Boundaries today let’s tackle C- Communication! I gotta tell you in this day and age that word has so many meanings. First is how we communicate with others. The messages we send to them. Is it healthy? Is it aggressive or needy or convoluted, or manipulating or joyful, logical, emotional! Ohhhhh so many things to talk about there. I touched on much of that in the podcast called The Art Of Healthy Fighting. But there is another discussion around communication that has come up over and over with my clients lately that I think it’s time to dissect! The WAY we communicate in covid times. Do we text, or call?

With Covid, we can’t just show up for a little visit for some old-fashioned coffee talk. “Hey, I’m in the neighborhood and thought I’d stop by.” Now it’s texting or zoom, facebook, facetime, and posting on Social Media. All of a sudden communication between people seems to all involve technology. So I thought for today we would talk about how to navigate this crazy world. How to make sure that we are reaching the people we want to have in our lives. And if we are doing it in a way that is healthy and honoring our relationship with them. And more importantly, are we actually communicating with them or just sending up smoke signals and hoping they know what we are feeling?

I want you to think for a minute about the important people in your life right now. Go through them in your mind. Your immediate family… your kids, parents, siblings. When was the last time you communicated with them and how did you do that? Is it a text hello? Did you pick up a phone and call them? Did you post something to them on one of the gazillion social media apps? Did you actually get a reply? Then did you respond back? And here is a big thought for you to consider. Was it trivial? What did you cook for dinner? What your dog or cat did that day? OK, that stuff is not trivial to you. But it does not engage your emotions with that of another person.

And THAT is what good communication does. We share our feelings with another being. We allow a connection that goes deeper than a picture or a like or a meme reply. We become vulnerable with another person.

[Read more…]

FOR APPOINTMENTS