Working On Me

A Journey to Self Awareness with Shauna Hoffman

React or Respond, It’s Your Choice

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I have said in many a podcast that we really are programmed. It’s as if our brain or our heart has been programmed by our past successes, our past experiences, our past communications and our past hurts. And along with all of that comes defense mechanisms. So what is a defense mechanism? It’s what REACTIONS we have created and even nurtured to defend ourselves against harm.

For instance, if someone had an abusive parent that never listened to them their usual REACTION may be to keep quiet so as not to get hurt, or leave the situation. Defending against harm. So this reaction as an adult may be to just get quiet in a fight, shutting down, shutting off or to and leave and escape the confrontation. That is not communicating or “responding” to the situation. It is reacting.

Join me today as we explore React or Respond, It’s Your Choice. Ready?

SHOWNOTES:

Hello and Welcome, I’m Shauna Hoffman. I hope you have all had a wonderful week. I have this lovely friend that was telling me about an interaction she had with a young, very reactive associate. As I listened to her I was completely in awe of her amazing communication skills. Specifically, how calm she stayed, how she listened and was not reactive. How she stated her own side of the issue with logic and not emotion. And she did it while still being true to herself and her needs. WOW! I’m not even sure I could have dealt with it the way she did. When I said that to her she said she has been working on a very important human communication skill. Responding versus reacting. Then she went on to say that this ability is what separates humans from animals. And in that moment this podcast episode was born!!

If I could help every couple get to the place where each of them could respond versus react, their relationship would change! If I could get every mother and daughter, father and son, parent and teen to do this I would happily be out of business.

So what’s the difference? Reacting is usually a more instinctive response to any situation, good or bad. There is an immediacy about it. Almost automatic. And almost always it is driven by old defense mechanisms, ingrained habits and definitely emotions. Its usually a very quick response that comes flying out of us and usually does not involve much conscious thought. It is ruled by emotion. In other words no critical thinking and definitely no self awareness.

I have said in many a podcast that we really are programmed. It’s as if our brain or our heart has been programmed by our past successes, our past experiences, our past communications and our past hurts. And along with all of that comes defense mechanisms.

So what is a defense mechanism? It’s what REACTIONS we have created and even nurtured to defend ourselves against harm.

For instance, if someone had an abusive parent that never listened to them their usual REACTION may be to keep quiet so as not to get hurt, or leave the situation. Defending against harm. So this reaction as an adult may be to just get quiet in a fight, shutting down, shutting off or to and leave and escape the confrontation. That is not communicating or “responding” to the situation. It is reacting.

Another scenario. If you had a parent that never let you win an argument, that always made you fight harder, scream louder and longer to be heard than chances are that is the defense mechanism you bring into adulthood and any argument you are having with a spouse or friend or neighbor…or or or…. in the present. That auto response to conflict is fight like hard to be heard and WIN! And that usually means you are not listening to the other person. You are afraid if you do you will never be acknowledged as right in the fight. You are reacting and not responding to every thing that is being said.

Now let’s say your defense mechanisms are not from childhood, but actually from the result of a previous bad relationship. Let’s say that you were the quiet one as a child, example one. And you married example two, the fighter and yeller who had to win. Chances are that if you finally get out of that possibly abusive relationship you become the screamer yeller for fear of ever going back to being the quiet one! You swear you will never be harmed again. So, your defense mechanism changes. Often the new mate has to look at these partners and say, “I am not him. I actually hear you, you can talk to me and share your feelings and I will hear you”.

Another scenario, the two screamers and fighters. It is like a perfect storm. A hurricane that can’t be stopped. And the hurtful things that are said cannot be taken back. Again, both are reacting and not responding. And so often when I ask them how they feel afterwards they hate the person that they become in those situations. It’s as if afterwards the awareness finally touches them. They look at themselves and don’t like what they see.

So what is the answer that will change every interaction you have? You learn to respond and nor react.

Let me be clear. I am not saying that we do not have feelings, or that we are not hurt. It is that we learn how to respond in a healthy way so as to actually protect ourselves with wisdom and not arrows.

There is a beautiful Buddhist wisdom called the Second Arrow Of Suffering. It’s a parable that teaches that being struck by the first arrow is painful. Let’s say that is the arrow that someone is throwing at you. But it’s the second arrow that is even more painful. That is the arrow that you launch that is really striking you.

Buddha says,

“In Life, we can’t always control the first arrow. However the second arrow is OUR REACTION to the first. The second arrow is optional.

Wow. The second arrow is optional. That’s what’s in our control. Are we going to cast that second arrow knowing that it is not hurting our opponent, but only hurting ourselves?

Responding and not reacting.

Take a deep breath and think about this. Responding usually involves a much more thoughtful and definitely deliberate approach. We stop. We don’t auto-respond, we stop to think and feel. We think about what we just heard, or witnessed. We become aware of how it makes us feel. Hurt. Angry. We check in with ourself. Don’t focus on them for just a second. Focus on yourself and STOP what is about to be an old defense mechanism and decide how you can RESPOND in a healthy way. Do not throw the second arrow.

It definitely takes a nice deep breath and true self awareness to see how you do want to respond and think about how you don’t want to respond. You STOP. You think about the situation. You consider what the other person is saying. In other words you HEAR THEM and then you decide how to respond. It doesn’t mean that you agree with them. It doesn’t mean that you don’t share your hurts, or your feelings, or your perception of the situation. It means you do it deliberately instead of as an auto response to what your psyche is perceiving as danger. Defending yourself against harm.

I have another podcast episode, number 41, that’s titled “I don’t agree, but I’m listening”. Now there is a novel idea, to actually listen to the other person and still disagree without letting it trigger old communication styles, or defensiveness.

Self awareness, not reacting, still being true to yourself and your needs, breathing and thinking before your respond.

Don’t shoot the second arrow at yourself.

So how do you be true to yourself in responding?

You acknowledge your hurt, or your feelings to yourself first, and then to the other person. You explain how you perceived the situation in those fabulous I statements. “I saw it this way… I was hurt when you said… I am not feeling safe with you right now. I am sorry.”

Now just because you are responding in a healthy way, sadly does not necessarily mean the other person is. I like to share two analogies with my clients. The first is the wheel of suffering.

When someone is so upset and reacting in an argument they are what I call “on the wheel of suffering”. And usually they will do everything to get you to jump on it with them. Don’t. When you are taking time to respond versus react it is your way of staying off the wheel of suffering. You can’t pull them off of it. But you have the power, with true self awareness, to realize when you are about to jump on it. STOP.

The other is what I call an hallucination. Sometimes you are in a fight and the other person is so reactive and out of control, it’s as if they are hallucinating! Well, I guarantee you that there is no healing to take place when you join the hallucination with them. Stop. Breath, Assess and respond without reacting.

The truth is that you cannot always control the other person in a fight and hope they will respond instead of react. But you can possibly keep the tornado from getting bigger. And you can definitely stop shooting yourself with the second arrow. Self preservation. Sometimes that is all that you can do. But I promise you this, you will have reached a new level of self awareness and peace by doing so. And since this podcast is called A Journey To Awareness you have taken another step on your journey!

I want to leave you with the last piece of the second arrow parable. “Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.”

As this whole season is about changing up the music to our souls, this statement says it all. At the end of the fight, how much you let yourself suffer and replay it over and over is optional. It is your choice. If the disagreement has been resolved, or even if it hasn’t, stop your own suffering. Learn from it. Learn about yourself. Learn about your needs. Listen to your heart. and then let go.

Now imagine how your life would change if you could actually learn this amazing new communication tool, responding versus reacting. Imagine how it will change your relationships your communications, and most importantly how you feel about yourself.

I hope you all have jumped a few steps today on your journey to self awareness. I hope that this next week you become more and aware of your defense mechanisms. I hope you practice responding and not reacting. I hope you honor your truth and give yourself grace.

To my listeners today, I hope you take loving care of yourself. Drink lots of water, sleep peacefully and surround yourself with loving beings. Thank you for letting me into your lives this week and I look forward to popping back again next time!

Limitless Horizons! Your Future Unleashed

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Today we’re going to have the absolute pleasure and fun in designing your ideal future! Years ago, I did my thesis on something called the Idealized Systems Design. What it is is a system that helps you create an ideal future for yourself. And what ideal means is, it could be anything in the world you want! No conditions, no holds barred. Nothing that says you can’t do it!

We are all part of systems. We’re part of a family system. We’re part of a community system. You may be part of a work system, or a creative system, or a charity system. We live in a world built of systems. And in truth you are a system your self! Your system is made up of your body, your health, your habits, your dreams. All of this creates the life you are experiencing. So part of the fun of creating an idealized systems design is looking at the system you are in and seeing what you need to change in order to reach your ideal future.

SHOWNOTES:

Hello and welcome, I’m Shauna Hoffman. Today we’re going to have the absolute pleasure and fun in designing your ideal future! Years ago, I did my thesis on something called the Idealized Systems Design. What it is is a system that helps you create an ideal future for yourself. And what ideal means is, it could be anything in the world you want! No conditions, no holds barred. Nothing that says you can’t do it! That concept in itself is something that creates so much anxiety within us. Because we believe that there are restrictions to anything we can truly have in our future. “Oh, I will never have that kind of job, or partner, or money, or home. That will never happen”. So when we talk today, we are going to talk about creating your IDEAL future! No holds barred!

The other word that I love in idealized systems design is the word systems. We are all part of systems. We’re part of a family system. We’re part of a community system. You may be part of a work system, or a creative system, or a charity system. We live in a world built of systems. And in truth you are a system your self! Your system is made up of your body, your health, your habits, your dreams. All of this creates the life you are experiencing. So part of the fun of creating an idealized systems design is looking at the system you are in and seeing what you need to change in order to reach your ideal future.

The amazing actress Lupita Nyongo says, “Dreaming is a glimpse of the thing you want to do that would make you feel most alive. A dream is a portal to your purpose.”

Wow wow wow! I love that so much because so often we don’t feel like we have found our purpose. I know we spoke about this in another podcast. So let’s say that if we do some ideal future dreaming today, perhaps it will guide you to your purpose in life.

An ideal future is a highly subjective concept. It varies greatly from person to person based on your individual values, your aspirations, and of course your current circumstances. The best part of today’s podcast is we’re going to actually use your presence circumstances to catapult you into the future of your dreams.

So let’s talk about that for a second. So many people look at the future and see it as something totally different from the present that they are living in. What we’re going to do today is look at every part of your present system, your present life, your present knowledge, your present support system, and we’re going to see how all of that can be used to create your ideal future. We are not going to judge your present life. We are going to help you embrace it, and dissect it to see what you want to change and manifest moving forward.

OK, this is a short podcast. And normally when I do this with my clients, it’s an eight week process of exploration, introspection and excitement. So we’re gonna try to do that in the next 10 minutes.

Consider this a jumping off point. Then over the next few days or weeks you can use this as a workshop to create your dream life.

Let me first reflect back on the last five episodes of this season, which is all about changing up the rhythm of your life. I hope that by now you have realized that you don’t need to stay stuck in whatever your current life situation is if you’re willing to change it up, look at yourself, and realize you deserve it.

The amazing Maya Angelou says, “If one is lucky, a solitary fantasy can totally transform 1 million realities!”

So let’s do this! Get out some paper and pencil or pen, or a giant chalkboard and make a circle on the far left of your page. In that circle I want you to list your present life. How old are you where do you live, are you in a relationship, what is your health like, Where are you working if you’re working? Do you volunteer? Do you have animals? Are you a caretaker for anyone? Then start listing all of the personality traits that you love and are confident about in your present life. I’m adventurous, I am creative, I’m a deep thinker, I’m playful, I get stuck in the past, I am spiritual, I’m not spiritual, I am a conservative thinker, I like to think outside the box, I am a liberal or conservative or not political at all. I want you to list all that you possibly can about yourself today. I have back problems, I am really healthy, I love doing yoga, I hate exercise, I am a triathlon athlete, I love to travel, I have five children, I have no children, I own a house, I live in an apartment, I have an old beat up Volkswagen, I drive a Lexus, I drive a bus.

Normally for this part alone I have my client think about it for an entire week. You can see that it takes time to actually look at your life today and see who you are what you believe in, how you live, what you feel, what your support system is what your successes are.

So you can see this podcast is going to be merely a model for what I want you to work on for as long as you are willing to.

Now before we move on to the next part, which is your ideal future, I want you to think about this. An ideal future is a vision that encompasses various aspects of life, where an individual feels a sense of balance, purpose, and joy. It’s a future where one’s values, passions, and aspirations come together to create a life that feels meaningful and fulfilling.

What you’re going to find is some of these you already have! And some of these you need to put as goals in your ideal future in order to truly be happy.

OK, the next part normally takes one week, two weeks, three weeks to do. I want you to draw on that same piece of paper all the way on the right hand side, another circle, and in that circle I want you to list all that you dream of in your future. If you want, you can make it one year from now or two years from now or five years from now. But I want you to look at where you are now and write down what you want in your future.

I want to live on an island in the Caribbean. I want to own a ski lodge in Colorado. I want to be retired living in my current house and volunteering to rescue animals. I want to buy a farm and grow fresh vegetables. I want my company to be a $1 million company. I want to be in a healthy relationship. I want to have healed a hurt from my past. I want my body to be healthy again. I want to speak three languages. I want to work for myself. I don’t want to work anymore at all! I want to become a vegetarian. I want to become a professional salsa dancer. I want to go back to school and get my masters degree or PhD or bachelors or high school diploma! I want to publish my book, or my screenplay or start a whole new business involving something that I’m passionate about.

The trick to this circle is to have so much fun, no holds barred writing absolutely anything and everything that you want! No limitations in your thought. Forgetting anything anyone ever told could or could not happen in your life.

If you have resistance here, it’s understandable. It’s all of those voices in your head, saying you can’t. It’s not possible.

But for this exercise, see if you can push all of those boundaries away, quiet that voice and dream! Again now you can see why normally this takes a couple of weeks to really delve into. So take all the time that you need.

Next. I want you to make a circle on the top of the page. And in that circle I want you to start listing all of the things you have achieved in your life, or have in your resources already to help go after this dream of your ideal future.

I have money put away so that I can go back to school for a year. I have a supportive partner who will stand by my side while I try something new. I have a family that wants me to be happy and will support my dream. I have a degree in, etc. etc. etc. that will help me reach my goal. I have experience in dot dot dot That gives me the confidence to jump outside of my comfort zone and try this. I have faith in myself! I have an adventurous spirit. I have connections of so-and-so and so-and-so that will help me meet the right people to be successful. I have time to work on this dream.

I really want you to take some time in this circle because I want you to think through all the things that you already have in your pocket, in your resources, in your experience, that will help you get from your present state, that circle on the left, to the future circle you dream of on the right.

Now make a circle on the bottom of the page. This circle is going to be all of the things that you need to learn, accomplish, experience, etc., in order to get to that circle on the right, your ideal dream.

I need to finish those three courses so that I get my degree. I need to work more so that I build my client base to be successful. I need to go to therapy and get rid of my negative thoughts about myself.

I need to do some deep self awareness work to let go of all of my fears. I need to learn how to shut off the negative voices of those around me who don’t believe in me. I need to get my body healthy so that I can go after that dream. I need to join a club. I need to do yoga. I need to stop spending so much money on frivolous things. I need to limit my social media time. I need to get off my computer and go for a walk and think. I need to research beach houses in the Caribbean! I need to quit my job, or ask for a raise. I need to leave an unhealthy non-supportive relationship.

Do you see where I’m going with this? Begin listing all of the things that you need to acquire or learn to get to the magnificent circle on the right hand side, your ideal future.

Then the process is jumping from your present state into your knowledge state, into the future, jumping down into what you need to acquire, then adding that to your knowledge state and your present state and repeating this over and over and over until you get to the future ideal dream.

So my amazing listeners as Kaplan Charla says, “A path from dreams to success does exist. May you have the vision to find it the courage to get onto it and the perseverance to follow it.”

Take some time to really work on this. Really dig into the bottom circle of what you need to acquire or learn on this path to your future. Then once you get it, move it up to that top circle of all of the things you already have! Then add that to your present state! And as often as you can erase something in your present state that you no longer need or want or have, then feel free to jump into your future state and change something else. Our life is a work in progress. But look around you, anything is possible! I always love to remember the idea that when you plant a bulb in the ground it eventually sprouts into a beautiful flower. But you have to plant the bulb in the first place.

I do hope that today’s podcast has given you a path to your dreams. Or a way to dream in the first place. A way to kick off your own adventure to your ideal future.

Remember the word ideal means no holds barred! Again, may you have the vision to find it, the courage to get onto it and the perseverance to follow it.

Thank you for listening to this podcast this week. May you surround yourself with loving beings who believe in all of your dreams. May you drink lots of water and get lots of sleep and read wonderful books and quotes and get kisses from lots of children and puppies! May you believe in yourself and do the work to bring you into the life that you dream of.

Thank you for letting me into your life this week, and I look forward to popping back in again next time.

Comparison is the Thief of Joy

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I heard this quote by Teddy Roosevelt and I knew it was going to be the next topic for us to delve into this season. “Comparison is the thief of joy.” What an unbelievably profound statement that is. In truth, how can we even compare ourselves to anyone else on the planet? Every single one of us has different talents, history, different upbringing, education, intelligence, different dreams, different relationships and different families! How can we possibly compare ourselves to someone else when all of those things make us who we are? Listen in and let’s discover the answer together. Ready? Let’s go…

SHOWNOTES:

Hello and welcome to A Journey To Awareness. I’m Shauna Hoffman. I heard this quote by Teddy Roosevelt and I knew it was going to be the next topic for us to delve into this season. “Comparison is the thief of joy.”  What an unbelievably profound statement that is. In truth, how can we even compare ourselves to anyone else on the planet? Every single one of us has different talents, history, different upbringing, education, intelligence, different dreams, different relationships and different families! How can we possibly compare ourselves to someone else when all of those things make us who we are?

So I thought a lot about that statement. “Comparison is the thief of joy.” When we compare ourselves to someone else, we usually only have two outcomes. One we either feel drastically better than another human being, or two, we feel less than. There’s definitely a level of arrogance when we think that we are better than anyone else. And deciding on the other end, that we are not as good as someone else, well it can only affect our self worth, self image and our self-esteem. So this became a really interesting topic to dig into on today’s podcast.

Obviously, there are lots of places in our society where we are compared to other people. We have to be compared to others when we’re up for the same job, or if we are trying out for a team or a play. Of course we will be compared to other people. But there’s a difference when other people compare us then when we compare ourselves.

Actually its not if we compare ourselves to others. It’s how we compare ourselves to others. It’s the things we believe about ourselves, the things we say about ourselves that steal our joy. This is what I believe is the crux of that statement, “comparison is the thief of joy.” If we are comparing ourselves to others and it brings us unhappiness then we need to look deeper at why.

The more I thought about it the more I realized in order to find happiness in comparisons it’s not others that we should be comparing ourselves with, but we should be comparing ourselves to the person that we want to be.

When we compare ourselves to others, we often focus on what we don’t have or what we haven’t achieved. This can create a feeling of lack or inadequacy, even if we’re successful in our own right. And the worst part is you are taking away all of your focus on getting better, or learning about the thing you want to achieve. Remember, no two people are the same. Each person’s journey is unique and how you got to this place in life is never the same as how someone else got there. Your skills and someone else’s skills and your experience, and someone else’s experience are never ever going to match. So to judge yourself, or make a comparison like that, it’s not only illogical, but it can only create unhappiness.

Why? It diminishes our Self-Worth. Constant comparison can erode our self-esteem. When we’re always measuring ourselves against others, it’s typical that we overlook our own strengths and accomplishments. And the worst part about this is that self worth and self esteem are the two things you need to become better at anything!

So it’s this nightmare catch 22.

Think about all those movies where the underdog wins in the end.  Inevitably there was a coach, or parent or teacher or neighbor that helped them believe in themselves. So what if that voice is your own telling yourself how amazing you are and you can do anything?

Comparison limits our gratitude! Let’s talk about keeping up with the Joneses. It’s when we compare what we have in life to what someone else has. Comparison of things and accomplishments shifts our focus to what we lack rather than what we have. What we can’t do as opposed to what we can. It definitely steals our ability to feel grateful for the blessings and achievements we do possess.

This next idea is what I consider one of the most detrimental affects comparisons have on our happiness.

Comparing ourselves to others is huge fuel for envy and jealousy. And wow, that eats away at our souls. Instead of celebrating others’ successes, some people choose to feel resentful or bitter. Well, there is no way that this is conducive to a happy mindset.

So that brings me to this. Some people would rather use other people’s success as fuel for their own unhappiness or failures then to take a look at themselves and see what they need to do to change, or what they need to learn, or what they need to let go of, in order to finally succeed. Playing the martyr is easier for them than doing the work it takes to look deep within and make changes to bring happiness to their lives!

There is a spiritual belief that if you wish someone else lack or failure you are actually claiming that you shouldn’t have that success either. The truth is there’s always someone richer, smarter, or more successful than you. If you can see their success as a goal for yourself and proof that it can happen, then That will bring you more energy towards your own success then envy ever will!

So, now let’s talk about some of the wonderful ways and reasons to compare ourselves with others. There is a beautiful thing called healthy competition. That’s when your desire to succeed is matched by the joy that you get from seeing others succeed. It’s not about winning in the end. So often it’s about gaining other things like learning more about something, or attaining better skills at what you want to do. Basically, it’s a mindset that’s focused on growing and not just winning, but becoming better at something! And there’s no question that this kind of good sportsmanship breeds joy, excitement, and happiness.

I have found that in all truth, this has become even more difficult in this day and age, because we are living in a world of social media where we can see every single thing that someone else achieves, or buys or travels to, or does with their life. But if we could look at each of those things and see them as proof that we can do the same then that’s what will bring us hope for our own success.

So, I want you to think about the following the next time you’re in competition with someone for something. Regardless of what you get in the end, try practicing gratitude. Focus on what you’re grateful for no matter what happens. This will shift your perspective from lack to abundance!

I always like to celebrate the win and loss of any competition that I may find myself in. The first way I do that is realizing that if I’m even in the place that I’m at, competing with someone for a better job or position, it must mean that I’m pretty damn successful myself. If not, I wouldn’t even be considered in the first place.

I think one of my favorite parts about realizing that I don’t want to compare myself to others is the joy of celebrating my own individuality. It’s the joy of recognizing everything that makes me different from anyone else. It’s the joy of understanding that in each moment I can choose to embrace everything positive about myself, and I can embrace everything I might need to change or learn, in order to become better at something, or just a better, happier human. It’s the understanding that just because someone else has something, in truth, I might not really want it in the first place! If I take myself out of competition with others, then the only thing I have to bring me joy is my own self growth, my own learning experiences, and my own successes.

Well, ain’t that one way to take back control of your life!

So here’s a list of wonderful ways to change the channel in the music of your soul if you are feeling all of the unhappiness around comparing yourself to someone else.

First of all practice gratitude. Focus on what you’re grateful for in your life and be grateful for all of the things that you have achieved in life.

If you are one of the people who find unhappiness by too much social media use, then limit it! Don’t allow yourself to compare your life to people you are reading about online. I want you to set your own personal goals. I don’t want you to define your measure of success based on anyone else’s. Base your success on your own values, your own interest and your own aspirations.

Celebrate your differences! Realize that every person has their own journey and there’s absolutely no point to comparing your journey to theirs.

Most importantly, cultivate self compassion! Treat yourself with so much kindness, and even more understanding! Choose the words you say about yourself very carefully. Choose loving kindness towards yourself!

I came up with this topic this weekend because I watched a movie on Netflix called “The Beautiful Game.” It was about the international homeless soccer competition. It was such a beautiful story that exemplified absolutely everything I talked about on this podcast. This is actually a true competition that takes place every year. The star soccer player in the film had to fight all of his own demons around comparing himself to others, whether in life or on the field. He was one that was taking the arrogant way of looking at himself in competition with others. He was better than everyone else. As you can guess the story all came back to what he really felt about himself!  I don’t want to tell you the end of the movie because I hope you watch it yourself. But, suffice it to say that it showed everything about the beauty of healthy competition and how it can change your soul.. if you let it.

Thank you, Teddy Roosevelt, for the quote “Comparison is the thief of joy”. I hope each of us can look deeply at ourselves and realize this profound truth and that we have the power to change the rhythm in our souls.

To all my beautiful listeners, please be gentle on yourselves surround yourselves with loving beings… who believe in you. Look in the mirror and see everything about yourself that is grand, successful, and glorious! Thank you for letting me into your life this week, and I look forward to popping back in again next time.

68 Kick it Up, Or Take a Break, What’s Your Me Time?

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Hello and Welcome back to a Journey To Awareness, I’m your host Shauna Hoffman. Thanks for joining me today! As many of you know, cruises, sailing, or being anywhere near or on the water is my happy place…my home away from home. I swear I was a mermaid in a past life. Or who knows! Maybe I was the Captain of a tall ship or a brilliant female pirate, like Anne Bonny. Whatever got me addicted to the water I am grateful. This got me thinking about what draws us to places to just getaway.  And what kind of getaway do people crave? I ask you… Kick it up or take a break? What’s your ME time?

Ready? Let’s go…

SHOWNOTES:

Hello and Welcome, I’m Shauna Hoffman.

So first let’s break down ME TIME! because I know so many of my listeners struggle to honor themselves and take the breaks that they need to recoup, replenish, revive themselves, and breathe.

And for some of them, it’s not the “quiet time” they need. Its playtime! Remember what it means to play? That’s having fun! Being Creative! Letting loose! Kicking up your heels! Laughing! Socializing! Dancing! Believe me, playtime is just as reviving to your soul as sleeping on a beach or gazing into the waves on the ocean, or reading a book in bed.

In my two businesses, therapy and my travel biz I love to explore what my clients need to be at peace and happy. I have women who spend their days taking so much care of others that they have not even realized how exhausted or on empty they are. And yet, those same women have not had any time for fun in their lives other than playing with their kids.  I have couples whose fun revolves around their kids and have not been on a vacation of their own in years. They have lost touch with all the fun they used to have before their kids were born. I have businesswomen who take their work with them on every vacation they take! They swear they couldn’t get away without their laptop or tablet. God knows what would happen if they missed an email or a call.

How is that downtime?

“DOWNTIME”…. time when you have no responsibility to anyone or anything except yourself. Let me repeat that.

DOWNTIME…. is when you have no responsibility to anyone or anything except yourself.

I love that when I looked up this phrase the Oxford dictionary says “it’s a time during which a machine, especially a computer, is out of action or unavailable for use.”

So what does this mean for you? When are you out of action or unavailable for use by others? And how much guilt would you have if you decided that you deserve that ME time?

My goal for all of you is that you answer “None! I would have no guilt!”

During what my hubby calls “The Cove Times…during the height of covid lockdown….. people experienced what they thought was downtime. Some were forced into less activity. Yet, so many others had their responsibilities doubled! Taking care of a family, home, and animals and doing this working from home! Not to mention all the stress and fear that surrounded us about staying safe and healthy. What for some was a break… for others was their own tiny hell! Downtime during “the cove times” was not downtime.

So I ask you when was the last time you made a point to have ME time? Time for just ME? When was the last time you chose yourself over everyone else?

I can almost hear the rumblings through the airwaves. “I can’t take time for myself. No one can cover for me.”

Or… “I can take the time but I won’t because people will think I’m selfish.” Really what people? If they love you they would want you to recoup.  Besides, you know my saying… just tell them, “What you think of me is none of my business.” Usually, when my clients tell me this I remind them that no one else can make them feel anything. YOU are the one who is not standing up for yourself and choosing to feel guilty. You are the one choosing to not put yourself first.

ME TIME! Making a moment about just me!

Now back to my first question…  Kick it up or take a break? What’s your ME time? And do you even know?  When I help my clients both in travel and in therapy plan their ME time I help them look for balance.  If they are going going going, physically active, then I help them see if they need time for their body and mind to relax. And what would that look like for them? A beach? A Cabin in the woods? A balcony on a cruise looking out over the ocean?

Or if they are in a world that keeps them sedentary, behind a desk, or these days on zoom calls all day do they need action, to move, to have fun, high energy to recoup the life in their life? Do they need to dance, or run, or go skiing or sailing!

I have told this story before. But when I was in the last month of getting my Master’s Degree I truly was on empty! A year and a half of school with no breaks, homework late into the night, and writing my thesis paper. Studying for my finals had taken its toll on me. It’s funny, here I was studying to be a psychotherapist and I had lost myself.  Then one day I decided to practice what I was learning.  Check-in… self-awareness… being aware of SELF!

It hit me. I needed to be outside! I had been indoors glued to computers for almost 2 years and I didn’t feel human anymore. So, I asked my friend to take me for a hike in the California mountains. I knew I had so much studying to do. But I also knew that if I didn’t I would not have the bandwidth to do everything I needed to do to graduate.

Se we packed up our water bottles and sandwiches and headed to the mountains. I can’t even tell you what that day was like for me.  The memory of it is like a dream. I think I floated down every path, touched every leaf of every tree, listened for birds singing and stared at the blue blue sky.  When we got to a trickling river I just sat there in silence. The power of mother earth to heal. The sound of water calming my soul.

I reflect on that day so often in my life when I feel out of balance. I ask myself what I need right now to feel balanced. And more than that, what I need right now to feel happy!

There’s a concept! Doing things that make us happy! Make US happy! Not others! What makes YOU happy?

So let’s do a little check-in…. every listener will answer these questions differently.

When was the last time you spent time in nature?

When was the last time you put down your phone or computer and got off all electronics?

When was the last time you talked for an hour face to face with a good friend or your sister, or mom or your partner?

That question is so important. Human contact is what so many of us lost during The Cove Times. Do you crave to be around people right now? To laugh with someone, share your spirit with someone willing to share theirs with you?

Now the opposite!

When was the last time you were by yourself? Sitting in silence with your own thoughts?

If you have been alone…when was the last time you actually listened to your SELF, checked in with your SELF instead of filling your alone time with stuff…. social media, Wordle, and Candy crush?

Now do a body check!

When was the last time you took a nice long walk, or got on a bike, or did yoga or danced?  Or hiked and touched every leaf as you walked by it? Is your body craving action?

Now your mind! When was the last time you actually gave your racing mind a break? Meditated? Put down your to do list. Or just stopped adding to it? Breathed? Silence?

Or on another note…for those who have not had time to stimulate their minds, when was the last time you learned something new? Or began to write that book you have been dreaming of writing? When was the last time you touched your creativity?

All of this is the answer to balance!  All of this is the question I ask my clients when we are trying to find their next ME time vacation! Are they going to Italy and learning Italian along the way? Are they going on a sail to the Caribbean and lying in the sun with a book in hand? Are they going on a writer’s retreat and kicking up their dreams? Are they off on a cruise that has it all? Food, balconies to watch the water, dancing all night, ports of calls to meet new people?  Ok, truly this is why I love cruising! It has it all for whatever mood I’m in. I recently counted up how many days I have been at sea…and I realized I have now spent three years of my life onboard cruise ships. It’s my home away from home. Put this mermaid on the water and I am happy. I am at peace.

Where do you feel at home when you are not at home? What place in the world feels like you just belong?

Here is a quote I love from Oprah…

“Alone Time is when I distance myself from the voices of the world so I can hear my own”.

Everyone’s ME time is going to be different.  And each of your me time needs will change moment by moment, day by day, year by year.  The answer to all of the knowingness around your needs is back to the point of this podcast. Self-awareness. Checking in with self, taking your SELF off of remote control. Listening to your heart, your mind, your soul….even your own breath.

I am excited to share that I will be doing a retreat with another amazing woman, Molly Lyda on the Navigator of the Seas for three nights of ME TIME! When we came up with our dream around what this weekend would look like it all came back to the idea that sometimes we just need to say… It’s My Turn!”   So that is what this weekend cruise will all be about. We will be helping each of the mermaids sailing with us to choose to look within. Choose ME.

As Molly says, “Nurturing ourselves with a get-away like this brings SO much possibility into our life! When we take the time to reflect, relax and explore on the inside, we gain clarity around our true desires and we invite more abundance in on the outside.”

I love that. We all know that when we recoup, bring balance back into our lives, and honor ourselves, then we make space for our own dreams to come true.

If you want to join us it is October 7-10, 2022 out of Los Angeles. You can read about it on my website blueoceanretreats.com.  I do hope you join us.

I do hope this episode has brought you the desire to ask yourself… ‘What is it that I NEED RIGHT NOW TO make me happy? “

Kick it up or take a break? What’s your ME time?

I hope that between now and the next time we meet on the airwaves or on the high seas you honor your SELF. You nurture your SELF! You listen to your SELF!  You CHOOSE “ME!”

Thank you for letting me into your lives this week and I look forward to popping back in again next time!

Privacy Policy/Disclosure

Shauna Hoffman is a Marriage Family Therapist and Speaker in private Practice in Santa Clarita, CA. She gives workshops and seminars in Newhall, Valencia and all of Southern CA.

FOR APPOINTMENTS

Appointments may be made by calling (661) 714-5137 or emailing Shauna@workingonme.com