Truth

You’re Not Imagining It! Gaslighting in Relationships and Power

January 28, 2026 By Shauna

Hello, I’m Shauna Hoffman and Welcome back to A Journey to Awareness. The podcast where we slow things down, get curious, and learn how to see ourselves—and the world—more clearly.

I had taken a hiatus to rethink what my next season would be, and wanted to give you a little preview of what will be airing, starting late Spring.

I have so many people struggling right now both in their personal relationships and with what is happening in our country. And I have realized that it is actually the same psychological phenomenon that’s triggering them.

This deeply damaging phenomenon is called **gaslighting**.

You’ve probably heard it in conversations about relationships, families, workplaces—and now increasingly, in politics. But what is gaslighting really?

Listen in to find out!

SHOWNOTES

Hello, I’m Shauna Hoffman and Welcome back to *A Journey to Awareness*. The podcast where we slow things down, get curious, and learn how to see ourselves—and the world—more clearly.

I had taken a hiatus to rethink what my next season would be. But I have so many people struggling right now both in their personal relationships and with what is happening in our country.

And I have realized that it is actually the same psychological phenomenon that’s triggering them.

This deeply damaging phenomenon is called **gaslighting**.

You’ve probably heard it in conversations about relationships, families, workplaces—and now increasingly, in politics. But what *is* gaslighting really?

Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation where someone causes you to **doubt your own reality**.

Not just your opinions—but your *memory of a situation*, your *perception* of a situation, what you see with your very own eyes, and eventually your *judgment*.

Here is an example. You bring up a scenario you need to discuss with someone, usually a partner and they say to you..

“That never happened.”
“You’re remembering it wrong, I never said or did that..

* “Oh give me a break, You’re too sensitive.”

“Come on.. stop overreacting.
“There is something wrong with you if you are even believing that”

Here is what is so scary, their goal isn’t just to win the argument,

Their goal is to have power over you.

When someone successfully gaslights you, you start asking yourself:

* *Am I crazy?*

* *Wait. Did I imagine that?*

* *I guess…maybe… it really was my fault.*

When clients first describe these discussions in their relationship they rarely use the word gaslighting. They say things like, “I don’t trust myself anymore,” or “I just feel so confused all the time.”

That confusion is often my clue to dig in to see if I can find the truth for them when they can no longer find it for themselves. You see truths are facts. But when you get gaslit enough you start to lose track of the truth and you start to see the world through their false reality. And when the goal of their reality is one to overpower you, or weaken you… I need to help you find your way back home again.

It’s interesting. Gaslighting often happens slowly. Quietly. It’s rarely one big moment. It’s a pattern—small enough to dismiss at the beginning, frequent enough to erode all the trust you have in yourself.

And here’s the key thing to understand:

Gaslighting only works when the gaslighter positions themselves as the authority on reality.

Gaslighting shows up most often in close relationships—most often with romantic partners. Because proximity creates influence and authority. But it is now happening in our country when we see a clip on the news and then we are told we are not seeing what we know we just watched.

Ok, let’s first talk about Gaslighting in Couples…but feel free to see if it is happening in any other relationship you have, family, a boss, or as I said…with what’s going on in the US right now.

Here are some common examples in relationships:

You discover flirtatious texts or DMs and hear, “You’re imagining things. What are you doing looking at my private texts? You’re always so paranoid.”

It could be a forgotten promise they made to you which becomes, “I never said that—you just assumed. God, you’re so selfish.”
You may express a hurt and then you’re told, “You’re too sensitive. Anyone else would be fine with this. But you have to make everything about yourself don’t you?”
You try to set a boundary and you get labeled “controlling” or I love this one…“dramatic.”.

You feel uneasy about repeated behavior and bring it up. They say things like “That’s your anxiety talking, not reality. You’re crazy. This is a you problem, not my problem”*

The most frustrating is when you’re having a fight, they say something to you and you react to it and they insist they never said….what you just heard! You are like… OK What is going on? Is this the twilight zone? Am I losing my mind?

Over time, the focus shifts away from their behavior and onto your reaction. You start monitoring your tone, your words, your emotions—while the original issue goes untouched.

They have you trained!

It’s interesting. Gaslighting in relationships can hide behind humor, charm, or a false concern for you. It can sound loving on the surface while being deeply invalidating underneath. And that word is the one most important word in regard to a person’s self worth. You are Invalidated. You are not worthy. You and your needs become invisible.

In my work with couples, I often see one partner slowly stop bringing things up—not because the issue disappeared, but because it feels safer to stay quiet than to be told they’re wrong again. They are slowly shrinking.

Now, how does this manifest in your body? What does the Body Feel like When You’re Being Gaslit.

See the thing is, Gaslighting isn’t just psychological—it’s physiological.

Your body often knows before your mind does.

You may start to feel:

* Tightness in the chest or throat

* A knot in your stomach

* You Feel suddenly small or frozen (which by the way is exactly what they want you to feel)

You have increased anxiety before your conversations- Again, they want you to Fear them. It’s their way of having power over you

* You start having Brain fog or difficulty recalling details

* And you have an overall sense of dread anytime you have to bring something up

Next thing you find yourself:

* Over-explaining

Apologizing excessively
Replaying conversations in your mind to “get it right” before you speak about the issue.

* You start feeling confused but you don’t know why

This happens because gaslighting activates the nervous system.

When your reality is questioned, your body goes into **threat response**. Fight, flight or freeze. And when that threat is ongoing, the body stays in one of those three responses. And usually it’s FREEZE..

Please listen to me.

Confusion is not a personality flaw.

It’s often a trauma response to chronic invalidation.

Let me say that again…. Confusion is not a personality flaw.

It’s often a trauma response to chronic invalidation.

When someone shares these symptoms with me I listen closely. It almost always signals a person who doesn’t feel safe.

So, why is Gaslighting Is so effective?

Gaslighting works because human beings are wired for connection.

We want to believe the people we love.

We want harmony.

We want to belong.

And our brains don’t like uncertainty.

So when someone confidently insists that *your reality is wrong*, your nervous system often chooses safety over truth.

Now let’s widen the lens.

And let’s talk for a moment about what brought me to do this podcast at this moment in time and come out of my podcast break!

It is the Gaslighting that is happening to citizens in the U.S. today.

At this point in history, gaslighting isn’t just personal—it’s **systemic**.

In today’s news cycle, we’re seeing blatant gaslighting when:

Documented events are denied despite video or audio evidence! We are being told that what we are seeing with our own eyes is not true…or real.

Shifting narratives are presented as if they were always true, In other words the narrative of events keeps shifting as you are seeing facts that the politician doesn’t want you to believe. And then they try to make you believe that what they are telling you now was the “truth” all along! You just misinterpreted it.

Entire groups of people are being told their lived experiences are exaggerated or fake!

And this is Gaslighting at its most manipulative and most dangerous.

* People asking legitimate questions of our government are reframed as being disloyal or hysterical.

This underlying message is profound and very scary for our country:

*”Don’t trust what you see. Don’t trust what you feel. Don’t trust anyone but us.*

This is mass gaslighting.

What I am seeing with friends, clients and the citizens of this country on both sides of the aisle is that when reality is constantly being rewritten, people become exhausted, polarized, and emotionally flooded.

And here’s the dangerous part:

When reality feels unstable, people cling to certainty—even if it’s false. The Gaslighter wins.

Gaslighting in politics isn’t about persuasion.

It’s about **disorientation**.

A disoriented public is easier to control. Let me say that again. A disoriented public is easier to control.

So let’s be clear.

Gaslighting is gaslighting. Whether it is being done to you personally or you are seeing it en masse all around you.

So what do we do to remind ourselves of our own reality and our own truth? How do we break the spell?

We do it with AWARENESS. With anchoring back into reality.

Here are a few grounding principles:

Your feelings are data. TRUST THEM

Patterns matter more than isolated incidents. In other words be AWARE if there is a pattern of gaslighting from a certain person or entity.

Your Reality does not require someone else’s permission. You have a right to own your own perceptions and reality.

* Confusion is often a sign of manipulation—not weakness.

“Awareness restores your agency” What does that means?

When you become aware of what’s actually happening—especially in situations like gaslighting—you regain the ability to choose instead of just react.

Gaslighting takes away your agency by making you doubt yourself.
*You stop trusting your memory.
*You second-guess your instincts.
*You look to someone else to tell you what’s real.

Awareness interrupts that.

When you can name, “This is gaslighting,” something shifts:

You realize the confusion isn’t because you’re broken.
You stop trying to convince the other person.
You start listening to your own internal signals again. You gain back your agency.

Agency is your capacity to think, feel, decide, and act on your own behalf.

Gaslighting—whether in a relationship or to a nation—disconnects us from ourselves.

And it is self awareness that reconnects us again.

Healing often begins the moment someone realizes, “It wasn’t that I was broken. It’s that my reality kept being challenged. And you know what? I’m not crazy!.”

You’re not broken for feeling confused.

You’re not weak for questioning.

And best of all reclaiming your sense of reality is the most powerful act you can do for your self worth, and your sanity.

I love this quote by Tracy Malone

“The healing doesn’t happen in the rewind. It happens in the pause. In the breath. In the moment you choose yourself again.”

Oh beautiful listeners. Thank you for listening today. Please be good to yourself. Honor your own reality over others. Stay true to your beliefs, your morals, ethics and values no matter who you are with or what you are being told. Honor your body! Drink lots of water, eat nourishing food and please surround yourself with loving beings.

Thank you for letting me into your lives this week. And I look forward to popping back in again next time.

React or Respond, It’s Your Choice

May 8, 2024 By Shauna

I have said in many a podcast that we really are programmed. It’s as if our brain or our heart has been programmed by our past successes, our past experiences, our past communications and our past hurts. And along with all of that comes defense mechanisms. So what is a defense mechanism? It’s what REACTIONS we have created and even nurtured to defend ourselves against harm.

For instance, if someone had an abusive parent that never listened to them their usual REACTION may be to keep quiet so as not to get hurt, or leave the situation. Defending against harm. So this reaction as an adult may be to just get quiet in a fight, shutting down, shutting off or to and leave and escape the confrontation. That is not communicating or “responding” to the situation. It is reacting.

Join me today as we explore React or Respond, It’s Your Choice. Ready?

SHOWNOTES:

Hello and Welcome, I’m Shauna Hoffman. I hope you have all had a wonderful week. I have this lovely friend that was telling me about an interaction she had with a young, very reactive associate. As I listened to her I was completely in awe of her amazing communication skills. Specifically, how calm she stayed, how she listened and was not reactive. How she stated her own side of the issue with logic and not emotion. And she did it while still being true to herself and her needs. WOW! I’m not even sure I could have dealt with it the way she did. When I said that to her she said she has been working on a very important human communication skill. Responding versus reacting. Then she went on to say that this ability is what separates humans from animals. And in that moment this podcast episode was born!!

If I could help every couple get to the place where each of them could respond versus react, their relationship would change! If I could get every mother and daughter, father and son, parent and teen to do this I would happily be out of business.

So what’s the difference? Reacting is usually a more instinctive response to any situation, good or bad. There is an immediacy about it. Almost automatic. And almost always it is driven by old defense mechanisms, ingrained habits and definitely emotions. Its usually a very quick response that comes flying out of us and usually does not involve much conscious thought. It is ruled by emotion. In other words no critical thinking and definitely no self awareness.

So what is a defense mechanism? It’s what REACTIONS we have created and even nurtured to defend ourselves against harm.

Another scenario. If you had a parent that never let you win an argument, that always made you fight harder, scream louder and longer to be heard than chances are that is the defense mechanism you bring into adulthood and any argument you are having with a spouse or friend or neighbor…or or or…. in the present. That auto response to conflict is fight like hard to be heard and WIN! And that usually means you are not listening to the other person. You are afraid if you do you will never be acknowledged as right in the fight. You are reacting and not responding to every thing that is being said.

Now let’s say your defense mechanisms are not from childhood, but actually from the result of a previous bad relationship. Let’s say that you were the quiet one as a child, example one. And you married example two, the fighter and yeller who had to win. Chances are that if you finally get out of that possibly abusive relationship you become the screamer yeller for fear of ever going back to being the quiet one! You swear you will never be harmed again. So, your defense mechanism changes. Often the new mate has to look at these partners and say, “I am not him. I actually hear you, you can talk to me and share your feelings and I will hear you”.

Another scenario, the two screamers and fighters. It is like a perfect storm. A hurricane that can’t be stopped. And the hurtful things that are said cannot be taken back. Again, both are reacting and not responding. And so often when I ask them how they feel afterwards they hate the person that they become in those situations. It’s as if afterwards the awareness finally touches them. They look at themselves and don’t like what they see.

So what is the answer that will change every interaction you have? You learn to respond and nor react.

Let me be clear. I am not saying that we do not have feelings, or that we are not hurt. It is that we learn how to respond in a healthy way so as to actually protect ourselves with wisdom and not arrows.

There is a beautiful Buddhist wisdom called the Second Arrow Of Suffering. It’s a parable that teaches that being struck by the first arrow is painful. Let’s say that is the arrow that someone is throwing at you. But it’s the second arrow that is even more painful. That is the arrow that you launch that is really striking you.

Buddha says,

“In Life, we can’t always control the first arrow. However the second arrow is OUR REACTION to the first. The second arrow is optional.

Wow. The second arrow is optional. That’s what’s in our control. Are we going to cast that second arrow knowing that it is not hurting our opponent, but only hurting ourselves?

Responding and not reacting.

Take a deep breath and think about this. Responding usually involves a much more thoughtful and definitely deliberate approach. We stop. We don’t auto-respond, we stop to think and feel. We think about what we just heard, or witnessed. We become aware of how it makes us feel. Hurt. Angry. We check in with ourself. Don’t focus on them for just a second. Focus on yourself and STOP what is about to be an old defense mechanism and decide how you can RESPOND in a healthy way. Do not throw the second arrow.

It definitely takes a nice deep breath and true self awareness to see how you do want to respond and think about how you don’t want to respond. You STOP. You think about the situation. You consider what the other person is saying. In other words you HEAR THEM and then you decide how to respond. It doesn’t mean that you agree with them. It doesn’t mean that you don’t share your hurts, or your feelings, or your perception of the situation. It means you do it deliberately instead of as an auto response to what your psyche is perceiving as danger. Defending yourself against harm.

I have another podcast episode, number 41, that’s titled “I don’t agree, but I’m listening”. Now there is a novel idea, to actually listen to the other person and still disagree without letting it trigger old communication styles, or defensiveness.

Self awareness, not reacting, still being true to yourself and your needs, breathing and thinking before your respond.

Don’t shoot the second arrow at yourself.

So how do you be true to yourself in responding?

You acknowledge your hurt, or your feelings to yourself first, and then to the other person. You explain how you perceived the situation in those fabulous I statements. “I saw it this way… I was hurt when you said… I am not feeling safe with you right now. I am sorry.”

Now just because you are responding in a healthy way, sadly does not necessarily mean the other person is. I like to share two analogies with my clients. The first is the wheel of suffering.

When someone is so upset and reacting in an argument they are what I call “on the wheel of suffering”. And usually they will do everything to get you to jump on it with them. Don’t. When you are taking time to respond versus react it is your way of staying off the wheel of suffering. You can’t pull them off of it. But you have the power, with true self awareness, to realize when you are about to jump on it. STOP.

The other is what I call an hallucination. Sometimes you are in a fight and the other person is so reactive and out of control, it’s as if they are hallucinating! Well, I guarantee you that there is no healing to take place when you join the hallucination with them. Stop. Breath, Assess and respond without reacting.

The truth is that you cannot always control the other person in a fight and hope they will respond instead of react. But you can possibly keep the tornado from getting bigger. And you can definitely stop shooting yourself with the second arrow. Self preservation. Sometimes that is all that you can do. But I promise you this, you will have reached a new level of self awareness and peace by doing so. And since this podcast is called A Journey To Awareness you have taken another step on your journey!

I want to leave you with the last piece of the second arrow parable. “Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.”

As this whole season is about changing up the music to our souls, this statement says it all. At the end of the fight, how much you let yourself suffer and replay it over and over is optional. It is your choice. If the disagreement has been resolved, or even if it hasn’t, stop your own suffering. Learn from it. Learn about yourself. Learn about your needs. Listen to your heart. and then let go.

Now imagine how your life would change if you could actually learn this amazing new communication tool, responding versus reacting. Imagine how it will change your relationships your communications, and most importantly how you feel about yourself.

I hope you all have jumped a few steps today on your journey to self awareness. I hope that this next week you become more and aware of your defense mechanisms. I hope you practice responding and not reacting. I hope you honor your truth and give yourself grace.

To my listeners today, I hope you take loving care of yourself. Drink lots of water, sleep peacefully and surround yourself with loving beings. Thank you for letting me into your lives this week and I look forward to popping back again next time!

Expect The Unexpected

May 1, 2024 By Shauna

Expect the unexpected is a way to encourage staying adaptable or flexible in any situation. The first step in staying flexible is to have an open mind! I like to point to a painting in my office and tell my clients not to frame the painting yet! Keep painting! Life is not static. It is also about embracing spontaneity!

Think about it. Expectations are static. But life is far from static. Having an open mind, being flexible is how you use your creativity, your problem-solving skills and your instincts in any situation that arrives to take the next step. Good or bad!

Are you ready for the unexpected? Listen in…

SHOWNOTES

Hello and welcome, I’m Shauna Hoffman. Many of you know this, and some of you don’t know. I own another business called Whodunit. It started as a mystery theater company turned into a mystery cruise company, turned into a giant event cruising business. I have been lucky enough to cruise over 200 times in my life, all over the world. And our Whodunit motto is, “expect the unexpected”! So I thought, what a perfectly fun motto and life hack I have been living for the last 40 years to talk about today.

To expect the unexpected can be anything! The unexpected could be some amazing gift that you receive, or a relationship you never expected to have, or you win the lottery! Or the unexpected could be a glitch in your life, or something went wrong in your day. The unexpected can either be looked at as a good thing or a challenge. Well, I want to kind of look at it today just as the unexpected. Neither good nor bad!

OK, this motto goes right along with living in the present. It means that you stay exactly where you are and expect that you never know what’s gonna happen next. I guess it could also be, expect nothing and see what comes. Or, expect that you will be able to handle whatever comes. Good, bad, challenging, fun, crazy, miraculous.

So how do you take the next step and stay flexible? First you breathe. Then you assess. Then you have to gather all of your mind skills and awareness of the situation to look forward, not back, to change or adjust your plan. Even the best, unexpected events still need us to adjust our day or our thoughts or our emotions or our future.

There is a skill, or perception or attitude that I try to embrace in these moments. It’s maintaining a positive attitude. If I can do this even in the worst circumstances I can remember that I am a resilient person. I always get back up.

This is not so easy for everyone.

OK, this is going out to my listeners who may have depression or anxiety or be Type A personality, who feel more comfortable when they can control a situation. Embracing expect the unexpected will be most difficult for you. Anxiety comes from the inability to control the situation in your mind. And in order to stay open enough to expect the unexpected and be resilient you have to let go of the idea that you can control everything in your life. And for so many of you, this is the biggest challenge. The hardest part for this kind of personality is keeping a positive mindset. And how the heck do you do that if a new situation is making you feel fearful or nervous or anxious?

The first thing you have to do is let go of the idea and expectations that you had of the situation in the first place That situation has changed or it can change at a drop of the hat and there is no going back. While you’re in the situation and trying to manage it, you can’t start playing over all the things you did wrong. Instead you face forward and you open your mind to use all of that creativity and insight we talked about. Stay in the moment you are in and figure out how to take just one step. One step towards handling the situation.

Now here is a whole ‘nother way to think about expecting the unexpected. I always thought my husband worried too much about some thing that was going to happen while we made plans. His answer to me was, a “I’m not worrying. I am preparing for anything that could happen in this situation.” Well that made a lot of sense and I understood that his emotions weren’t wrapped up in preparing for it. He really wasn’t worrying. He was just preparing. So check yourself and see if you’re worried about something that is coming up in your life? Or are you preparing for it? And then be ready to throw everything out the window. Because if you have prepared for it, then it is not unexpected! And this whole episode is expect the unexpected!

Obviously, there are going to be times when the unexpected is something really difficult or heartbreaking, a loss of someone or something profound. Those are probably some of the most unexpected things that happen in our life. So for those situations keeping a positive mindset is very difficult. And I wouldn’t expect it of you. But the tools that you have in that situation are the ones that will help you get through. First you get support from everyone in your life that can be there for you. Next you prioritize your own self-care and mental well-being as you try to navigate this unexpected event. Being adaptable! Realizing that as a human, you really are adaptable even when you feel like you cannot move. Remembering that you have the power and eventually the strength to move forward with the support of your friends and family or professionals and do it with self-care. Eventually, you will have a change in perspective. A Course in Miracles is a spiritual book of psychology and it says that a miracle is a change in perception. You might not have that as you are in the situation but eventually your peace will come from a change in perspective and perception around the unexpected that happened in your life. In times like this, because I study the course, I just sit down and close my eyes and ask for a miracle. I am asking for a change in perception. One that will bring me just a little bit of peace.

OK now let’s have some fun and talk about the mindset behind expecting the unexpected and being ready for wonderful, amazing, miraculous, fun, wildly entertaining things to show up in your life. Things that you never expected. This is the mentality that people have when we say that they look at life with their glass half full instead of glass half empty. Admittedly, I am one of those people. I am always waiting for the miraculous to show up in my life each day. I wake up in the morning and I think to myself what is today going to bring me? I know what I have planned for the day, but the universe works in mysterious ways and my motto is expect the unexpected. So what is the unexpected gonna bring me today? Try it right now! You know what the rest of your day is supposed to be. Now say to yourself, “I expect the unexpected! I can’t wait to see what today will bring me!!”

Our minds are programmed! And believe me when I say that you can reprogram them! You can reprogram yourself to think positively instead of negatively. You can ask yourself how thinking negatively is helping you in your life and instead you can say, I choose another way. And then start practicing, practicing, practicing every day to look at the world with your glass half full. Then wait for that thing that is going to fill it all the way up!

My mom was a holocaust survivor. She was in Auschwitz from the age of 11 to 13, after her family was all killed. Yet my mom was one of the most joyous and positive people I have ever known. I used to say, “Mom you wear rose colored glasses”. And her answer to me was, “I know, I put them on.” Wow,v that said it all! She could’ve looked at her life as a glass half empty. Instead, she not only looked at it as half full, she looked at it as overflowing.

And thankfully, that is what she taught me!

I think for my mom it came from one word. Gratitude. She had so much gratitude for her life and that she survived, that it kept her looking forward in her life instead of looking back. It kept her staying in the moment instead of living in the past. And it kept her appreciating everything in her life instead of seeing what she no longer had.

To expect the unexpected means that you look for the silver lining in everything that happens in your life. It is also looking towards each moment in your life and knowing that you deserve wonderful things to happen to you.

Wow! Let me say that again! It is looking at each moment in your life and knowing that you deserve wonderful things to happen to you! I love the words, I deserve!

Right now, I want you to say this to yourself, I deserve wonderful things in my life.

I deserve magical things to happen to me today.

I deserve happiness, joy, fun, and miracles!

Then, after you turn off this podcast today, I want you to write a full page of everything that you deserve in life! And remember, you may not believe it yet, but this will be the beginning of reprogramming your mind and putting on your rose colored glasses!

I love this quote by Rhonda Byrne
There is a truth, deep down inside of you that has been waiting for you to discover it, and that truth is this… you deserve all good things life has to offer.

So today if you are going to expect the unexpected, I hope you expect all good things that life has to offer.

My beautiful listeners, please be good to yourself, drink, lots of water, surround yourself with loving beings, get lots of rest, go out and have fun, and expect the unexpected!

Thank you for letting me into your life this week and I look forward to popping back in again next time

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